to sad or not to sad…

I’m feeling a disillusionment with myself and my accomplishments… I should’ve been further along by now. I should have more items created, more stuff sold. Once again, I’m back to thinkin my stuff isn’t as good as the other peoples stuff. I have such low esteem of my Self sometimes. I told Jesse, I think I feel a depression comin on, just letting you know. He went right into…you just need to sell some stuff. I think it’s deeper than that. Don’t worry. If I do slide on down…I get back up within 3 days, remember? A habit and a rule and a gift. I know…too many Ands there for proper English. HA! I care NOT! Of course I could fix it. But I like it. Now do you see a discrepancy there? Yes. My mood is volleying like a volleyball at the Olympics. I know not why. Yes, I did waste 4 months…cuz I was moonin over the impossible, but even still…..I should be further along. I should ….damn….. I’m supposed to be saying could. Life is hard sometimes.

Someone had asked about a specific baby awhile back and I told her tonight he was going to be for sale. She said she might…but that didn’t make me happy. Then I saw a gal asking where she could find cheap fiber to learn to spin with and I told her I could help. But that didn’t make me happy either. It’s not lack of sales. It can’t be lack of sales…I haven’t tried to sell, ANYthing. Like Picasso for example. Picasso is a brilliant white buck who has given me oodles and oodles of beautiful curls. He was my favorite fleece…till I got the pintos. He is for sale. Does anyone know that? No! He has wild, beautiful but wild horns….but is very gentle, and still has good fleece at age 5. And I bet he would produce awesome babies. I guarantee….he was sold as a wether due to his horns. Just a stunning goat….and here he sits, unused cuz I have so dang many bucks. Now that…..was promoting a goat. Never done it before.

Picasso when he was a baby

 

Ha…that was interesting, eh? Well, it is what it is. I just heard myself do a heavy sigh. Dang. Just feeling inadequate. You guys ever feel that way or is it just me? Course I just read on the good ole FB that high emotions mean I’m on the verge of my dream but since they’re negative emotions, that I’m fighting against it which will slow it’s arrival. Ha! Probably true. Oh well. While we were at the car place the other day, Terry is showing me my truck and how far it’s coming, when this other worker, Shane, …also working on my truck for 2 years…walks up with a large blue dream catcher. He keeps walking and hands it to me. I was dumbfounded. Wow. Stunned. Then Terry says…what, you’re not used to people giving you things? Jeeeeshhhhhh. So, wow. Truly cool, eh? I hung it in my room for when I eventually get there. Guess it’s nightie night folkies. On the morrow. 12:27am = 3 = holy trinity.

And I wake up to hubby needing me to go to town. There goes my get busy, get creative day. I’m determined to get something accomplished though. What? I’m still guessin. Well, I’m back home and it’s nearly 3. And yes, it seems I’ve lost my equilibrium. My, I’m on top of the world feeling is gone. I have to find it again. And I shall. I just hate these posts. I prefer Upbeat…happier blogs. Lol, I prefer. Ya, I prefer alright…but life has other plans. I get to wallow in the muck and you get to watch me. Yippee!!! Isn’t the first and won’t be the last. We get to visit Muckville!!! Muckville, for me, is words swirling….telling me what I’ve done wrong, telling me I’ve failed, telling me I’m a useless human. Of course, the other, not bothered side of me knows that I’m not useless…but she kinda agrees with the rest. Every day, I see so many people selling their fiber, selling their goats, selling their creations. What is wrong with me? Ahhh, don’t answer that. Ya…..yuk, I agree. See, I don’t really wanna put this blog up. I want you guys to think I’m on top of the world, as I said….but that’s a lie. I don’t lie…..well, 99% of the time I don’t. I can see me now. I’m up in heaven…(3 ft off the ground they say), and I discover that last life, this one, I had opted to go for a jack of all trades master of none life….having already done the learn one thing all the way life. I’d be standing there kicking myself for all the wasted woe.

Well, I went to sit under the tree with them and I did. I get a kick outta Milky. Nearly every time I see her, she’s staring at me and when she catches my eye…she looks up. So funny. I once again told Mimi to remember Milky and Maya, her daughters!!! She did look over at Milky, but that’s it. So strange. Tika and Khalifa have been hanging alone these days. At a different tree. Wonder what’s up with that. Speaking of that….Khalifa is now 4 months old. He should be moved….but I can’t see moving him by himself……either to a pen alone or to the big boy pen. It was too hot to stay for long today, although the occasional breeze was awesome. Ha….finally….got Billy and Violet in the same photo…twice! They look so much alike but never stand together, till today. They’ve got the same dad…my Angel, a red bottle baby buck. Funny, I used him cuz he was small, for Shortcake, and for Lily, to make brighter red….ha….Lily gave me a black/gray. Silly me was thinkin two reds would make red. But I forgot…his dad is silver. Oh well…back to stewin. (you don’t need to try to cheer me up…it’s just a phase) Later people. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. Ps. Jesse seemed to think I just needed to start another story….so I did, but I still feel the same.