Tag Archive | Love

Grieving in Paradise…

There has been a suicide on the edges of my world. It’s certainly not the first, but it has affected me the hardest. Like a knife to the heart. It has torn through all my defenses and whisked me back into my old self…..my old world….my old pain. During this time in the history of this planet, we are being taken back into our pasts to wrap up any loose ends….to heal any old wounds still hovering. I guess you could say I have an old wound. I’ve done inner work about my mother issues, my family issues, being beaten; cheated on; told to die by my ex issues……but I forgot to deal with one teeny tiny little thing. My lack of commitment to LIFE. My TO LIVE OR NOT TO LIVE issues. I recently had a healing experience from a Grandmother Shaman. She said I had not yet committed to life. That made my head turn. A new perspective. Whammo…..she was right. I attempted suicide the first time at the ripe OLD age of 13. It was a few years earlier though, that I really checked out on myself. Just flew away. Threw all my spiritual gifts as far as I could fling them, and placed myself in purgatory. It was a world of depression, sadness, aching, need, despair and confusion. THAT…was my life.


Funny how life saying…ok…you wanna die? Die then!  ……..can change all that. I came to paradise to heal….with the hopes of healing my sadnesses as well. I’ve had success like a yoyo in that regard. The death thing is fine now….but the mind thing…..yimmy yammy of hell. In fact, I am about to do another jungle medicine to clear more muck from my mind. Actually, it’s not a new one…it’s just understood better. Jesus. People shouldn’t mess around with this stuff if they don’t know!!! Turns out……the KAMBO frog medicine…is more intricate than thought. Also….more capable!!! I witnessed the results of having kambo medicine done in a good way…with a shaman. I witnessed something so profound. I was in the presence of a woman…..and I felt….literally felt that she was different. Clean and shiny. I had spoken to her for ten minutes when suddenly….my spirit recognized it. So I thought yes…maybe the kambo can take away my sadness…..AND keep me alive against viruses and plagues. I was feeling the spirit of the chicken though…..fear was gripping me. After all….the chicken does get its head cut off. Real fear…..and this is a poisonous frog that has no predators!!!! And then……tragedy rippled all the way to Costa Rica. A young teen took her life. A friends daughter. I didn’t know her know her….but in a small way, I was in her world or she in mine. I saw her art. The occasional drawing she allowed her mother to post….all so deep….so so deep. The word reached me and it just hit me like a mountain. I thought of all the typical thoughts….oh God, you were so young! So beautiful!! So much talent! So deep….and as I was saying these things to this sweet dead young girl….I realized I could say them to myself too. I’m worthy to live too! So, I was catapulted down the rabbithole to find out if I did or did not want to live. I am still down here. Deciding. And deciding about the Kambo. It will be different this time. More. At least 3 times….in 3 days. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever CHOSEN to do……and I’m considering more?


I grieved hard again today, only to discover more death. So tragic. So many precious babies never took a breath lately here. Arms ready to hold after the long long wait…are empty. All these deaths are catapulting people into their new lives. Forever different. Death is a wisdom. A teacher. Grief is a teacher as well, without death.  I think that’s what we sads suffer from….grief. We are needing something in ourselves, and not finding it. Or, we had it and it was killed off. Even when we like ourselves every now and then, it’s like a façade. We wait for the better Me to arrive. It’s more painful than most physical pains, the pain of wanting to die. You see, it goes against life. Think about it. The body is built with an instinct to live. To survive. Our minds however, can override the autopilot.  If you get on a ride at a fair….you can’t get off till it’s done. If all you can think of is, I want off, get me off….it lasts so much longer, or seems to. Life: the teacher. I’m learning that if you Don’t want something real bad….you’ll get it. If you Really want something bad, you won’t get it. It’s about attachment. The need for desire. Take my bugs. The more I want a butterfly to come to me….the more it stays away. I am projecting need energy at the butterfly. It won’t want to come.  To get it to come…I need to match its energy. And that my friends, is a matter of deciding NOT to let it matter. Just let things be. Saying it and living it….sometimes not so easy.


Suicide is happening a lot these days. I see that there’s a meditation planned…a fancy one….to raise awareness for suicide. Just stop already. Everyone is aware! Instead, use the money you raise, to do things for people! Start things….to allow folks to express themselves, or to vent, or to shout about their pain. People can’t even tell anyone they are in pain cuz they’re afraid of the consequences. Doctors, hospitals, mental stays. We can’t even talk about it. Not real helpful. The whole world needs to shift. This young girls choice has shifted me. I don’t want to make that choice. I will choose life. I CHOOSE LIFE. It took me 54 years to say that. Blessings to you sweet child. I am so so sorry for your pain.  I wish….  I want to say thank you for helping me want to live. Thank you for teaching me that I do. Thank you for your courage in expressing your pain through art. Thank you for reaching. Thank you for all the days you DID stay on the planet!!! I honor you sweet one…..AND…I honor your journey. All of it. Every breath you breathed. Every ache and scream of your heart…and every smile. Every giggle, every twinkle of your eyes. Every tear and every art that poured out of your hands like blood in your veins. I honor your spirit. I honor you.


And as for the tiny babes…I honor you and your energy. I honor the dream of you. I honor the life you had with your sweet mother. I honor the stillness of your breath. Thank you for coming precious wee souls. I saw you!!! You are beautiful! Every soul who knew of you…..honors you. Blessings.

Signing off in Costa Rica where the leaf litter mushrooms are finally arriving….in spits and spurts, I’ve saved some critters (2 just today)and lost some, and it’s sweater time in the evenings now cuz of the rains. PS…my friend, should you see this…my heart cries for you and if you should need insight into a brain that works in this manner….I’m here for you.



it’s gonna be ok…

Although I still play the game and I share and post things that look frightening or scary or things that outright piss me off, I’m actually seeing life now from a vantage point that most of you don’t have. I’m still human and I still interact and I still have emotional reactions………HOWEVER………I am no longer………just like you. Not that I ever really was with all my sadnesses and inadequacies and quirks and weirdnesses…! I can hear the world whispering from my shoulder saying……”you’re not special, whatever you’re about to say….remember, you’re not special. We are all alike”. Believe me I know. While I might not be special, I may know things others don’t. I may have experienced things others haven’t. Here’s the deal. Ever since I went to the 5th dimension the first time, I have a new view. An overhead view. Like when I was a CASA………………someone who looked at all the pieces and watched it as a whole, with no vested interest except that of keeping a child safe. And it’s not only that…I also have very diverse interests and a lot of stuff comes in front of my eyes and ears. Bottom line, I see things that maybe others don’t. The whole point to this is to tell you that I see light at the end of the tunnel. I see hope. But it’s bigger than that. What I see, is the whole. As a whole, it is the most beautiful beauty. It is the song of songs, the dance of dances, the light of lights. We are something so unbelievably special, something that is the utmost gift to all……all beings. All beings in all universes. We are a treasure. Unique. Precious. The frequency of all beings, doing what they are doing at any given second, combined with what they are thinkings frequency and the frequencies of all of the objects and the wifi’s and the tv’s and the crying and the dancing and the screaming and the raping and the beheadings and the earthquakes and the droughts and the trees and the bugs and the hot pavement. Everything has a frequency and vibrates at that sound. We don’t hear it….like the dog whistle. But it plays. It plays every second of every minute every day forever and ever. It plays the waltz, salsa, tango, shuffle, ballet, African, of life. We……………..are the song of this uni verse. We are also the dancers.


And now, I need to tell you about 4 hours with a butterfly. I was leaving the market yesterday when I saw the butterfly in the veggie aisle….sitting on the ground. I immediately scooped her up. Carried her in my left hand and went on with living. Porfi, my in town taxi driver, drove us and the veggies home and I put the groceries away, all while holding Beauty. Then we sat down to begin the evening together. I offered her sugarwater, nope. I offered her a leaf outside to step onto, nope. She wanted to be with me. I talked to her, and loved her. I sang to her and free went my esteem……I just sang and sang, hitting notes….not hitting notes, she didn’t care. I made up words about how much I loved her and I also sang old faithfuls, like amazing grace which I sang to my goats all the time and the lullabye words I made up for my own human kids to Over the Rainbow. I played Tinkerbelle on the laptop for her.  She reacted when I sang. She moved her antennas around or one of them. She would place one of her tiny white feet on my thumb and latch on. She liked to lay one of her antenna on my thumb as well, almost as a hug. She allowed me to touch her without even the slightest flinch. I cried with her. I told her I loved her. My darling. I sent her reiki. It was love. Then she was gone and the love went into us both and there it remains. Forever. It was the most exquisite love affair and it went into the collective unconscious as a gift. I woke to discover her broken body in pieces. One wing completely gone. The love was still here, in me and in her and it didn’t matter. Signing off in Costa Rica where the PESTICIDES gotta GO, the people love each other and hold hands and walk arm in arm and give kisses on the right cheek………in 3 weeks I will be here a year…..yesterday, I received a KISS on the cheek by the parking lot lady!!!! HOLY CANOLI”s!!!!….and, a valley sound has finally reached me….sounds like a high pitch whistle, and I don’t know if it’s a bug of a bird but yay, it soothes me, that jungle sound


 oh…don’t go there

  • We can ignore it. We can dig a hole in the sand and stick our  heads in it. We can wear rose colored glasses or shades so dark and thick we can’t see nothin. We can swat it away like a fly, but negative energy is real and it’s out there. It’s in here too. What to do with it? The governments really are trying to kill us slowly. If we were all healthy and happy all the time, where would be the need for governance? If joy was the meal of the day our bodies and minds would thrive and rise and this would rise everything around it. The word economy would be eradicated.  E  con  o  my. Oh my is right. Everything is a con from the fabric to the rubber to the poison food. They poison us so we need doctors and they give us poison medicines to keep us needing the doctors. A circle. Sick. Who can fight when they’re sick? I can’t reiterate this enough. We are being poisoned via the sky(chemtrails), the ground, (GMO’s) the water (fluoride and who knows what) and the mind(tv). But that’s not enough, they also poison through the schools now too. Have you seen the commoncore? Ya, what’s common is it’s rotten to the core. They take a simple mathematical problem and send you to the moon and back for an answer when the answer is sitting right there. Why? Because the only thing real….the only thing that is absolute….absolute true…is math. Sacred Geometry. The ONLY truth. They desire dumb humans who won’t fight back. Who won’t care. Sluggish beings. Eh. No biggie. They feed us the word conspiracy theory as a means of playing the game of the peanut and the shell. Right now….there is the world series of….peanut and the shell. I got your fuckin peanut boys!!!


I am a human of high emotion. High ups and high downs….and high indignations as well. To me, life is one big huge indignation right now. I’m like this little bug trying to hold onto my rope and stuff….got a job to do….and the wind is blowing me….its whipping me…………..I can see the dudes face…huge……lips puckered……blowing lies and icks and pains….I’m trying to hang on, keep my rope and my tools AND reach the top. What good is it to reach the summit if I don’t have my tools still? That would leave me at the summit alone. The tools my friends, are so we can get you up that mountain too! So let’s get real here. Negative emotion. It ain’t just sadness folks. And it ain’t just fear of what the bad guys are doing or gonna do to us. Oh no. It’s evil. Evil lives inside us. That’s where the devil is. LIVED. DEVIL. LIVED. One of the greats in the plant kingdom taught me this lesson. Ayahuasca. Grandmother Aya taught me that my mind, and what I was allowing it to do….was worse than any abuser, terrorist, killer, wife beater…could ever be. Me and my shadow. My shadow is mean to me. Cruel beyond words. She used to slay me daily, then God would repaint me and I’d stand to be slain again. But it goes much further than that.


My shadow is jealous. My shadow sees another do what I’ve struggled to do for years…….and do so effortlessly and with panache and style….and she berates me. She squeezes precious tears from me until I…..I, can right myself and correct her. She wants to say…it’s not fair….like she’s done so many times throughout her life, but no…..wisdom is her friend and she reminds herself that life is not about fair. Life is about LIFE! COLOR! SPLASH! TOUCH! HEART! And mine is mine and theirs is theirs! Nothing wrong with mine. The more I like mine, the less I want theirs. The more joy I find with what I already have in my life….the less I need of what’s in others lives. I am fulfilled. I am infused with joy. An elixir of joy is inside each and every cell in my body and it’s also in the protons surrounding me. We, I walk in beauty. Do you see? Do you see that it is that 360 degree sphere perception that changes the reflection? Like a finger dipped into the pool of water. Over and over. Each dip of the finger, causes a ripple. How hard did the finger dip? How fast? What was the water doing when the finger dipped? All of these things affect the ripple size and depth and color and and and…..as well as…perspective and perception. Oh the lovely pers. Persnickety. Do you see that we can change our perspective in a nano second? I do it effortlessly now. Midstream in my thoughts or sentences and I know….I’ve put the sentence together wrong…………it will create negative. SHIFT. Switch.


Ok….well, I have barely covered a tiny bit of the word that is negativeEnergy. Ya….its thrown together so often it may as well be one word. Same for the positive. Hey, yo. Middle, middle right, middle left. Also viable and also useful. If you don’t know the depths of the pool…….you don’t know how far you can swim…or what’s down there hiding in a treasure chest tied with rusted chains!!! If you don’t know the tippy top of love……then you only know a crumb. Here’s another negative nancy for ya. The fear of not being enough. Enough for who? Enough for what? My shadow sees other peoples words these days and says to me………..see, those are good words. Worthy words. People read those words. Oh look, they are sharing the words as well…they really like them. Oh yes, they’re helping me too, those words, so yes…I’ll share them too! Oh goodness, the people really need to hear those words. Not my words. No. Mine are written differently, not in the right first person or right flow or right need for the people, because nobody reads mine. Should I stop? Should I bother? Am I making a difference? Am I helping? Should I stop? Should I stop? Signing off in Costa Rica where I am preparing my art for an event…yup I am…..where communities are springing up everywhere like daisies and the majority of HUman sounds are negative to my ears and Spirit sounds are positive. Ahhh, the battery of silence. Oh…and what to do with negativeEnergy? Reverse the poles if you can…if you can’t…MOVE! Oh, haha, and throw some violet flame on it to transform it!!!

PS….It’s a real question. Is there a point to these writings? Anyone getting some kinda help from them? If not, I’ll just stop. Free up my time. Tinker with a book. This is the little girl inside….asking you guys for your help…..what she’s really asking is……can I really sing or have people been lying to me my whole life? I am so strong now, and I can take the truth even if it comes as a punch. I want an honest answer please. Please. Do I help? Or are they pretty words…


a butterfly hurricane…

Man, I cannot tell you how weird this all is for me. I was leading a beautiful life and I still am, it’s just that it changed. Like, suddenly my focus is about girls. Women. Feminine. God. A year ago it was goats!!! Then it was God and mushrooms, then God, mushrooms, bugs and birds and now this. But this one feels like work. Like a debate topic I’ve been instructed to take on. You know, where you get told a topic and you have to give both sides, both arguments. Passion for it has overtaken me. I became interested in ’06 after the wintersolsticeexperience. Before that I was just your typical misfit female posterchild for abuse. A female victim. A child unloved. The combination was horrid. Because I was unloved, I became a victim….like a magnet draws what pulls toward it. And now look at me. Playing Jesus Mary and their mom! It’s just silly. I tell God all the time. This is so silly. Sure, I understand the premise…but I just don’t see what power I have. I can’t even get people to read this. I guess even if I can’t get any of the new earth ideas implemented, I have at least put a question on some minds. Maybe that’s enough. I’ve flapped my wings…have I flapped enough to cause a hurricane across the oceans? See, I’m trying to get out of it. Again! Nothing new. There’s too much angst with this drama. And drama is 3d. Ohhhhhhh. Ok. Ok jeeze.


If I were brave….truly brave, I’d have whipped myself up some unGodly outfit and flown to some drastic place and stood on a corner, spilling my truth. That’s brave. My real truth at the moment is that I’ve had a bit of fear come back into me lately. That snake incident, it shook me. Then I wanted to go to snakeland and hold some to get over it and I haven’t yet…all I know is, I’m not as brave. I won’t admit it to myself though. Yayaya, just did, I know. I’m calling it…”I’m obviously supposed to be thinking about the feminine instead of mushrooming”. Obviously. Chickenshit. Haha…..I’ll give myself a wee bit of slack though. I’ve got other angst’s goin. Lined up, ready to test my enlighten’dness. Which as I told you, is a yoyo….but hey…it’s a yoyo!!!!!! Yippeeeee!!!!! 16 years to get this far. Slow go but speeding up. And besides, going outside is not so fun a lot of the time. I am so connected to every piece of the land that it breaks my heart daily to see what has been destroyed. Simple raking or weedwhacking is devastating. It is truly as if there is a camera on me and all of my places, my favorite cool spots to take photos of either bugs or mushrooms, becomes a dumping ground for the gardener. Every one. Well, cept for the logs…..but he weedwhacks them till they hide nothing. Any other time and I would take it as a sign to leave. I’m holding out for my daughter. Plus I do love it here. Oh…I can yimmyyammy……I feel very alone here. I feel very alone there.


If thine eye be single, the whole body will be full of light.(I just heard that phrase, I like it) Whatever name I use, the goal is the same. More light. More people with light. Less suffering. So….could it be that I am reaching Christ Consciousness and not at all a member of the Jesus family? Of course. I’m a human dissecting images and thoughts. It’s always possible that I’m interpreting the messages wrong. However, while I tell you that for your reassurance….. I yam what I yam. Go Popeye. Who knew? The simple act of wanting to help……is in itself, a desire. The illusion. Its two schools at war. End the illusion and rise above it with no thoughts and creating our universe with our thoughts.  See how complicated this is? And I haven’t even mentioned Catholicism or Christianity or any other religion. Just the simple act of thought. Ha, nothing simple about thought. It requires a college level though, so you best be enrolling soon.


Signing off at Quebradas Costa Rica where the church is pink, the sound of a fruit falling from a tree is thunderous and startling…and a hundred parrots come for afternoon tea. LoveLove PS…what do you call an oddity like me? Call me Mama, like always.

PSS….Tolstoy was wrong. He said no one does. Well, I do. He said everyone wants to change the world but no one wants to change themselves. I have so proven him wrong.

the Mary thing…

Where’s the reaction? I said I was Jesus!!! I said I was Mary! I said Jesus was a woman and that God was a Mother!!!  I guess people just think of me as that dumb old woman. Dumb old depressed woman…..don’t pay her no mind. Story of my life. It’s ok though, I am strong. Life built me like a candle, layer by layer, into the heat. Alone. People are Called to Duty all the time. Called to the Ministry. Called to be a Dr. Well, I was called to help the world. I wasn’t called alone, but I was called. I’m working like all others like me, in the dark with only my light or candlelight. I guess we’re like the janitor. Nobody pays him no mind, yet he’s always busy busy busy. Like I was saying, I’m not sure if there will be a big huge second coming with Jesus floating in on a cloud…..dunno. I kinda doubt it though folks. Not with the playing board all decked out like this. Makes no sense. We, these people, are here for a reason. Besides………..the message you’ve all missed……………they wanted us to miss……..is that Jesus was human. Just a man. Just a woman. Doesn’t matter. Flesh and blood. It was flesh and blood that did those miracles. Every single thing that is called a Miracle……….was done by a hu man. The message was that we can all live in that way……but the message was diverted. Changed into a sin death die for you thing where the people live in fear of a menacing scary god and fear the big bad hell. That pisses me off like you have no idea. I’ve been railing at the friggin Vatican for years and years. Get me in there!!!!!!!! Get me in there to see all the truth they stashed there so you, we, wouldn’t know. But see, they train us from birth, to not know. TO NOT know we can do things. We are shamed if we believe we are special or have special abilities. Ridiculed. How can miracles grow in that manure?????? Haha….like a rose! Or a whoopsyDaisy…some things just can…against all odds. Are you a miracle growin in the manure?

I’m a multipurpose woman. That’s why MY message is threefold. The Mary thing-.which is the feminine thing. The Jesus thing. And, the God woman Mother thing. Yup. 3. My life deals in 3’s. But seriously folks…….these 3 things could change everything. Change the world. Change YOUR world. If only there was a country in chaos, that would consent to try. If only. I saw the oddest thing today that just screamed at me. It was Taiwan. Apparently the women there aren’t going to church. So the government had a new church commissioned that is a giant shoe. That’s what women are about, right? Shoes? And then, they say they’ll mostly use it for weddings. Archaic male debt system that has either you or your parents strained and stressed. For what? One day? Jeeze!!! The solution is a $20 dress and buy an icecream cone. Save your money for life!!! Ok…anyway…so. Why aren’t the women going to church? Hmmm. Could it be they are dissatisfied with the male doctrine??? Could it be they are dissatisfied with the male church??? Could it be they seek real meaning in themselves and their families and lives? A purpose other than the 9-5 old traditional way of being???? People are seeking more. Demanding more. Tired of the shallow, we want deep roots. Not just that…but deep mother roots. If this weren’t true, AMMA wouldn’t be hugging 20,000-50,000 a day. People wouldn’t have that need. But they do. I don’t know that I’m here to be an Amma Hugger. I think I’m more of a talker. A voice. I was told today that my wisdom was like water for a thirst. Most people don’t bother to listen to the elderly, the ones who have all the experience. Nope….shut up in nursing homes. All that wisdom. And me personally? My life was a smorgasboard……….so I would have a gazillion pieces of knowledge and experience. Tiny pieces….but hey, tiny matters. You ever put salt in your tea? Signing off in Quebradas Costa Rica where the locals genuinely express, it hasn’t rained in days and the taxis are duking it out. Oh, and….nevermind.



don’t shoot the MESSENGER…Jesus is here

Ok folks. I’m tired of hiding in the bushes. Haha. You’ll get the joke in a minute. Life has been steering me in a strange direction. I knew as an itty bitty kid that I didn’t really want to do what was expected of me later in life. That I was here for a different reason than most humans. That I came for a specific reason and I didn’t think I was up to it so I covered myself in shame and unworthiness and walked with my head held down. I walked for most of my life this way. Staring at the ground. The concrete. Even likened my heart in a poem to concrete. Concrete Heart. I was the gift that nobody wanted….another poem. I knew this from a very young age and it directed my life. Now, I have reached the time that I feared. Now. Which now…that one? That one? Shit…I missed it again. I have had this information now for a few months. This haunting. Ya, I’m being haunted. No question. I am haunted by the Feminine. The loss of….the crushing of….the return of. I pray. I beg even. Please, please, tell me what to do. Am I to take this literally or as a statement? I Keep starting books, and websites….but none seem right. I research and research and my passion grows…..it hurts my belly so. My life is not what I thought it was. My life is more. I am more. But how much more is the question.

During my WinterSolsticeExperience2006, I didn’t tell you all of it. I told you I shifted the masculine to feminine that night, until the same date in 2011 when I was asked to shift it back. Now why….would God ask me to do that? Seriously, ME? I’ve often wondered. I understand now. Well, to a degree. In the Experience I told you that it was a lesson about the archetypes and how they come to earth. So….I was shown that the same soul comes again and again as the same entity but in different times and looks. I also have since learned that we each play all the archetypes as well. Well, I know now which archetype is mine. Only it’s not normal……..is anything ever normal with me????? So here’s the deal. My soul belongs to the entities known as Jesus, Mary, Isis, Sophia, Shekinah. What??????? Anyone do a doubletake? Yes, lil ole me is saying that. Wait…what? If you forget for a second that it’s me saying it…..look again. Jesus…what’s he doing in that list of women? WELL…………………………………. That my friends is where the oddity comes in. It is being shown to me, that Jesus was not a person. That Jesus is a made up name, for the human being known as Mary, the Mother. That the female was being removed from history as God. Replaced with another. So. For months now, I have been trying to sort. Am I Jesus incarnated? Am I Mary? Am I Sophia? All of these entities come repeatedly to earth. Jesus came as Buddha, Thoth, Horus, etc. Sophia came as Isis, Mary, etc. OR…..am I not an incarnation. Perhaps it’s more of a consciousness I am personifying. After the angst of months…..I came to the realization that it doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter if I am the real thing or Memorex. I was sent. I was sent as her. As him being her. As her being him. She. SHE. SHE whose womb the worlds are birthed. She who created the stars. She who lives now in the Tree of Life, after scorning the snakes attempt.

IF I am an incarnation of Jesus….I know now that I am not alone in this. There are many. MANY!!! They write books! I know why too. I know why they are here…..and I know why I am here. I just don’t know how to go about it. They….the Jesus’s are here because of the messed up message the church did for gain. I, am here because of the messed up world we have all endured while having a Patriarchal society. Those can only be war societies. That’s how boys are made. How are girls made? Made to create. To carry the babies in the womb. To tend the gardens. To intuit. To nurture. To maintain compassion…..etc. Now…..which one might make a more pleasant society to live in??? Simple question…simple answer. So. Here I AM. Am I HER? Maybe I am. I do for sure represent her. I am the voice of SophiaMaryJesus. Not a damn thing I can do about it. We can only be who or what we are. SO……how best to utilize this? How to help the world knowing this? I am not the first to ponder this………..there is a wild blonde who came to say something feminine……not the same thing I say, but a message nonetheless….Madonna. Hers was more on the sensual spectrum of the color of woman, outwardly, but inwardly…I’m certain that she has experienced the full spectrum of womanhood……a rare thing. I think about it and think about it and I decide that while it is awesome to be outfitted with the fresh new Christ Consciousness….I know it’s more than that in my case. Have always known. I believe the answer is to be an icon. An icon for the Feminine. Sounds grandiose. Guess what….it is. It is Grand. And its oh so awesome. Of course it’s a woman. Women are the creators!!!! How did we get sideswiped about that???? The rose colored glasses were not rose…..they were grey and they were forced on!!! Men don’t create!!! They tear down!!! Yes, there are exceptions to every rule but the majority will follow their design. Nothing wrong with tearing down. Remaking. Rethinking. Sure. But as a home….a warmth….a feeling of safety and serenity, the earth needs nurturers. Simple solution. Join forces. Women design the ways of life….men help implement it and design the perfections.

Have I freaked you out? I’ve been pretty stressed about it. I was advised to be quiet. I pondered this too. I don’t need to know if I incarnated or not. All I need to know is what is needed. I know what is needed. How to go about it is the harder part. This should tell you that I speak my truth. That I can say with a straight face……….I know how to fix the world………gimme money, time…5, maybe 10 years, helpers and AUTHORITY and wham. OR….as I’ve been telling God/Spirit, gimme powers and ya…..I’ll fix it real quick. It’s really so simple. So simple. Let the RIGHT feminine run things awhile and soon…..things will shift to where it can change to a Jetriarchal society. Joint EFFORT Trilogy society. Feminine, Masculine and Holy Spirit. As it is now, they have Mary as the Holy Spirit, but only in some systems. But in the end……the bottom line of my job…..is to shed light. Light on the possibilities. To say…..it is not one way. It is many ways. All the Jesus incarnates have been writing books… titled The Way…..in some form. It is the way. But so is this. Or this. Everything is a bubble. Round. Can be seen 360 ways times what…..gosh I suck at math…..times, 360 times 360? Haha.. A lot of ways!!! A lot of perspectives. This water sphere of life…..creates so many facets, and add the light and shadow and jeeze. Life is so very intricate. In case I’m not being clear….I’m speaking of the water drop say, on a leaf. It reflects what is around it inside the drop….but depending on where you stand…you see something different. Life IS a water drop. Humans ARE a water drop. We reflect. In the end…..what I am here about, is to shake things up….and reinvigorate the TRUE RELIGION…LOVE. I’ll be speaking more about this, but it is the only religion we need. Not male female really, in the end…the message is LOVE. So….I think I need to become ME. What does that look like? We shall see. I’m learning who she is. Signing off in Quebradas, Costa Rica where weedwhackers, motorcycles and pa systems are the typical sounds, the river flow tries to cover the human sounds, and the butterflies flit and chase and dive and swirl and dance.



calling all LOST people…


It’s getting harder and harder to share these learnings. I seem to be speaking into a void. Where are all the people who are in pain? Where are all the people struggling….seeking answers? Where are all the depressed and sad people who need lifted? And then again….why are the sad ones who know of me…not coming? Why did that gal nearly commit suicide….when she knew darn well she had access to words of one who is on the path to overcome. She chose to not read. I cannot force anyone to hear my words. They are drops of water for a scorched earth….falling into the cracks and feeding from below. It’s not recognition I seek……….I have already received that. No….I seek to heal. More……I seek to create a better world. A kinder world. A gentler world. And I AM CREATING it…….even if I have to do it from the dirt. I am the dirt. You are the dirt. Ashes to ashes dust to dust. What are we growing? What does dust do in the light? It dances.

I asked Jesus what am I doing wrong? What words should I be saying instead? Please, give me the right words. I feel an urgency to reach. Why? Why, if I already told you it didn’t matter……that all was perfect as it is? Cuz I have compassion. I want everyone to ascend. I want all to feel love….even the one who hates himself most…..who hurts others the most. I am a flame that calls the lost and points the way. I can only offer. And you can only react from where you are in this moment. Sometimes we need to step out of the feeling for a second. Then, first, ask…is this my pain? If the pain is yours, notice it…..then take it in your arms and love it. And tell it thankyou and tell it to go. When it returns….repeat…  It takes awhile to instill the changes in us. Repetition teaches our insides, our minds. Repetitions are the bricks that build our world.  And the more you add words to the Magic of IAM……..you create your world and who you are. As an example…….if you were to say I am an idiot. They say 6 times to ingrain something. Well, I know there are times when I say that idiot statement oh……6 times in one hour!!! What does this do? Well, words are tools. We have just taught ourselves that we are idiots. Congratulations……you win a prize. I’ll give you mine. I no longer need self hatred. Nope….giving it up for lent or lint or karma or love.
Instead, I choose now to experiment with the love aspect of self. So many layers, levels, pieces of this self, that have never experienced self love in any form. I’m going to show them. I am my teacher now. I am my mother now. I am my family now. I am my God now. I am a dot. A drop in an ocean. HOWEVER……….I am a very cool drop! I have an awesome imagination and I spread drops in the most unique of ways. No word required. It’s really kinda interesting. I always considered myself a gift. I didn’t understand why I thought that, except that I knew in my soul I was supposed to save the world. Then as I grew, the world said…we don’t need saving. The earth is just fine…..maybe a few changes perhaps. I’m still struggling to comprehend this attitude. Is every human on this planet feeling and knowing love? Every being??????? Do we ALL have love and consideration for the Least of these? The least of these can be something so tiny…….or something huge but with a perceived ugliness. Good grief!!! Step out! Step away! So many gifts on this planet for you………go….see them…feel them. 9-5. Starve until you make it out….but GET OUT!!! Passion your life and you will thrive. Earthschool. Mysteryschool…….is meant to be lived. Tasted. Smelled, chewed, swallowed and noticed….all the way down. When I said yesterday that we come again and again, to experience it all…..I didn’t just mean as huemans. No…..we experience the lowest of the low and the highest of the high….the meanest of the mean and the most sacred. We come as an ameba and we come as the smell of lasagna. Ok maybe we do!!! It’s a grand joyfilled experience so I can’t imagine anyone wanting to miss that one. OH….I really wonder if Spirit can do that. Imagine stepping into a large billow of SILK. Being the silk, wrapping around the peoples arms, shoulders, caressing their neck. Haha…well, if it wasn’t before, it’s happening now! Collective Unconscious has just been colored with that thought. Sometimes I try to hold onto certain thoughts….the inventive kind…but I now realize the perfectness of everything so I don’t restrain them anymore. I took the leashes off of my precious idea thoughts. Not advertising them either though…..but I did release them. I free them and if I can’t do them, kudos to who can.


I came to this planet with an agenda. It has taken this long, 54 years to figure it out this far….but apparently my soul knew and was working behind the scenes all my life. My agenda is change. BIG BIG FAT HUGE BIG change. In honor of this agenda…..I shall tell one thing I did in the dark. I did a test. A very long 6 ½ year test. An experiment. I did not release this test information as planned because I realized it could hurt the ones I love. I have proven for you…..that soap is unnecessary. Soap, unless particularly made…is chemical. Shampoo too. I now know the ins and outs of bathing. I know about stink. I know about NOT stinking. I know about skin layer buildup….and non buildup. 6 ½ years people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO BATH. NO SHOWER. NONE. I did take a shower in June of this year……….and I tasted the chemicals for 3 days. My point…..it’s all about the money. How many shampoos are there? Soaps? Showers? And antibacterial soap? NO!!!!! If you’re gonna do surgery…sure….otherwise we need those bacterias to keep us healthy. Cleanliness is next to godliness was wrong. Water has many purposes but scrubbing self off of self 2-3 times a day is certainly not one of them. Water is magic. Quit wasting it. Signing off in Quebradas Costa Rica where the sun cruises around town, the pineapples settle in for a long growth and transformation and butterflies dance and breed with wild abandon. LoveLove

PS….a spider parachuted down to see me this morning. Rather large. Beautiful. The bite on my head is healing now. She feels heaven sent.