I think whats happening is I’ve realized how many times, how many doses it may be required to get my depression in hand. It may be a great medicine but if you don’t take enough….it won’t work. Won’t finish the job. Dear God. It just never occurred to me that I’d have to do this more than a few times. I’ve already done it 4 times beyond that! I was brave. I did the deed. I should be done, according to the beliefs I went into this with. The realeyesation that I am not cured as I’d thought…..and that I will need to continue swallowing that beautiful nasty brew for a loooooooong time……is throwing me for a loop. I watched a documentary the other day. Don’t get me wrong. I researched this for over a year. In this new documentary, which seemed to have been taken from a conference…..the lady had depression. She had a shipibo healer, which means she had icaros sung for her,……songs created just for her and her healing……..and possibly had them temp tatoo’d on her as well or drawn……very personal. Very intimate. So…this lady with all that……………………..says it took her over 80 ceremonies before she was well. 80!!!!! And that’s with a healer concentrating on HER!!! God bless it!!! Aya! I wanna scream it. Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Please…..I wanna say, I’m special….treat me special…….heal me now!!! Haha………..don’t ya love the I’m special part!!! I can be a bit grandiose! Or….I could be normal and society has convinced me I’m grandiose. Nothing special. Just a quick note before sleep to let you know I worked tonight. Haha….I remind myself of some of those Rennaisance artists….ha…..maybe we’re all bipolar….and we paint when we go up…or we paint to go up. Night 12;23am = 8 = infinity
My daughter is here. For a minute I had hope again, as we were discussing Iboga….Good Lord, yes, I’m back to that. The Scariest psychedelic of all. They say it’s 100 times more powerful than Ayahuasca. And I’m scared to do AYA alone!!! But, as it’s 100 times more powerful, it’s also reputed to be….one 3 day dose, is equal to 100 aya ceremonies. So. Once again, a possible cure for my depression…..requires scary scary medicines. Not only that……this is the same medicine that I checked into before coming here. There is a place here, called the Iboga House….that I sent in a questionnaire about my health…….came back saying I needed 3 sessions…..at a cost of $7,000. I remember being horrified at the price until one of you reminded me that typical healthcare costs are high….that the cost of a broken arm or leg, she had, cost like $80,000….insurance, ye know. Imagine that. Eighty grand for a broken limb. The world has gone nuts. So….while knowing that 7 grand is extremely less than 80 grand…..the bottom line is…..I don’t have either amount. My hope is flying. Flying all around. Who knows if it will land and settle anywhere near me. The scary thing is…..I don’t even seem to care. I’m thinkin I’d best get that spoon a day goin pretty damn quick. Although, its not no 80 ceremonies!!! I know, I know…I’m supposed to be grateful. But…80 ceremonies??? Will I even live that long? And at $100 a pop? Hmmm….not much more than the Iboga. Lol. Guess they do equal out.
Sometimes I’m ok with writing about myself and other times I get so dang embarrassed. Just wanna throw a coat over my head and hide. But I don’t. I speak….so others can relate, see that there is hope….GOD…..have I screwed that up? By removing my hope….have I removed yours? Kill me now. You see, this is why I’ve been blogging so seldom lately. Not due to technology shortage or internet or even sadness or embarrassment. No….it’s cuz I started this journey here to heal myself. While doing so, I thought I could show a way. Perhaps give hope or a solution to others. When the depression began to creep back after taking the ayahuasca, this is not what I wanted to report. So I tried avoiding it. Avoiding you. I don’t know people. Maybe I can’t carry you after all. Maybe it’s too heavy. Oh God. If I have removed hope from anyone…..please forgive my soul. And no….that doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I’m a fighter.
Last night there were fireflies IN THE CABINA!!! What a treat. At bedtime, I had a question so I asked it silently……and that if it was something I should consider, then have the fireflies flash…in my face I said….and ya know, they basically did! So….I put it out there once again. Not sure however that it’s a true want. I need to ponder this. It could be a childhood need expressing itself. I’m gonna stew on it. Speaking of stew, Summer cooks when she’s here. I think she really likes to cook and misses doing it. One of the few things she asked me to bring her was curry powder. Organic curry powder. Haha, fasting will do that. She goes all out with meals whereas I, do the quickest easiest meal I can make. Tonight she’s making quinoa cuz I splurged and bought some. Do you realize that the demand for quinoa has made it so expensive that the people where it originally grows…..can no longer afford to eat what they’ve eaten their whole lives. Demand. Demand….the I want it now. Demand is now causing the vicuna to be hunted and killed. The vicuna. An animal in South America whose fiber is so soft, it is the most expensive on the planet. Well……..some people have the I want it nows, and are killing them for their fur/fiber. Right. Now you create extinction. Jeeze imagine how much it would cost then? But why? Why are they doing this? Why are there now gangs killing whole herds of vicuna???? Cuz people want it. Right now, I’d lay odds it’s not the clothing manufacturers who want it….but the handspinners. The internet has spoiled us and we want it. And we want it now. Ahora. Haha…..Summer just installed a Spanish speaking software for me and we listened to 3 episodes. Pretty good stuff, wow. Way better than highschool lessons. We laughed a lot cuz the guy would really stress the syllables for pronunciation. Laughter is good. The most prevalent sound here, aside from the visiting Amma bashan music, is the twwwwrrrrrrdddd bbbbdddddddd of the hummingbird. LOL….dunno if its right, but its close. Hoping the fireflies visit again tonight. Signing off……….not alone tonight………..from Costa Rica. LOL….ya, don’t like alone. 6:22pm = 1 = Beginnings. Hey Rory! PS……..I have concerns…..suspicions….and I’m struggling with not worrying about todays monumental decision. The timing. See…..I think alot of false flag shit is goin on……..trying to incite us. Oh well…..don’t mind me.