Jiggity jig….and who wants goats?

Ok. I have GOT to learn how to make EACH moment ok. Not just the ones to come. The ones of the future which there is none of. They are all Now’s! My mood has fallen. Many reasons why, and no it’s not my choice in food. It’s life. So….I’m sitting here in this lovely airport and I get more n more irritated so I catch it and say to myself….it’s ok. But you’ve got to calm this when you get home. NO! I need to learn to calm it now. I feel this is urgent. The energy in this airport is awful which means it’s the people, the people’s thoughts. Had an issue at home too that blindsided me and hurt like hell too. Why did I come back? Oh ya. Tooth. Dunno, I lived many years without teeth…maybe it wasn’t a sign to leave. Or maybe it was. I was doubting my interpretation of the signs when a friend sent me a photo of a blue morph butterfly. So sacred to me. I saw it moments after my first aya ceremony. It was a gift from Great Spirit along with the blue heron flying literally right above my head. Haha, she was just sailing down the river at high speeds banking left and right and whoa…human!!! Ahhh, but this human is glowing!!!! This human is with Grandmother!!!! Ha! Lol but that then brings me back to the question ….was it a goodbye sign or a stay sign? I’m here. It’s too expensive to go back So…must mean go. Thank you sweet Laura. Lol, was just reminded of doing ayahuasca. I do my aya like I used to do my tequila….take it like a man and show no reaction. Hahaaaaa!!!! Some of the men showed their reaction!!!! Grandmother is still with me…even as I leave the rain forest. 
I realized yesterday that inbetween the sadness….since aya….I wanna have fun. I see most things as fun. I told you I giggle like crazy, alone….or in front of others. I care not. My joy at the irony of, the excitement of, the confusion of, the artist appreciation of, the society of….life. If I catch myself feeling grim, I smile. Works! Oh ya!!!! I also realized a few more aspects of my depressive states. It’s when I’m alone!!!! I used to be a hermit. A loner. Maybe it doesn’t fit me anymore. I need people now. Can’t remember the other. Also, the envy factor I noticed I’m carrying. I’m working hard. When I catch myself, I then think…,oh yay!!!! They did good! And sometimes I take it further to….oh yay, they did good and they is me. Lol. Saw a post on FB. If you’re always racing to the next moment…what happens to this one? Brains a lil scattered. So much news coming from Texas. Go forth my dear Crone and discover your next moments. And their purpose? That….would be your PURPOSE. Perhaps your purpose is in the moments, not a one size fits all purpose. Right now, my job is to be sandwiched between people in this ever shrinking airline seat space. Learning to maintain my, well, my me-ness. Just breathe. Put on more shield payers. Put different shield layers. Illness barrier shield is ON…bigtime. Feeling squished. Tiny bit claustrophobic so I get window seat. Lady canceling Summers ticket didn’t give me the 2nd window. Oh!!!! Before I forget! Carol…..if you’re reading this…I’ve got someone interested in buying the property. Need your email. ;=)))))). If it sells, realtors usually take 3%……I’ll take some of that! Not letting myself get excited yet. Too hard on the self. I’ve discovered that I’m a bit different than most folks, lol, Ya think? I have stronger emotion I believe. Deeper, stronger, more. If I think of my Blue…and then me going back, no. Too hard. 

   
     
MY BED……..has all my fiber on it! What a joy to return to. Still haven’t uncovered everything…still looking for my Natlalie curls. Stuff she has sent me….that is most likely now what she is using for her Sunday events. Good for her…..sad for me….lol. She used to consider them useless, therefore she sent them to me! More power to her….I wish her new adventure all the success in the world. I also lost my ability to drive 30 min thru the country and go to Lisa Shell’s house(Kai Mohair) and go through her dyed curl bins. She is moving. She asked if she could borrow the trailer…and we woulda, but in the end she bought one. Easier I suppose, don’t have to drive it back to Texas. But there went my ready access to color. Dyed color that is. The gallery has been closed…packed up and sitting. A fun little run in my life that was part good and part sad….definitely a mellow adventure though. A sad ending. Maybe one day people will want to buy soft and beautiful wall art. I’m glad to have had the experience though. It was nice to at least hear that they liked what I created. One day soon though…people will buy. And…..I would love to acknowledge the people who did buy my chairs. I hesitate to name names, but you all know who you are. I am so forever grateful. Your faith in me was very cathartic. Very meaningful for me. Love….it felt like love…and I thank you.

   

               The aya in me is telling me about the foods I eat. She didn’t like the juices….fake. But…we got used to them already. Amazing how fast that happens. Same with the yogurt…well, not that it was fake…but it made my body feel funny. Today…no problem. It’s like I get a tiny whispered glimpse into whats not good….and its then up to me to eat it again…or do it again…whatever the case may be. The cookie was AWESOME!!!……HOWEVER, I now know to cut the amount in half. The tv was boring and I kept wishing for better internet so I could watch Netflix….lollll….while the whole time in Costa Rica….I wanted the tv. Man….I already feel like a PRE—aya person. Babylon. Not good for the soul. This feels boring. Costa Rica….take me away!!! Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. 3:02p = 5 = change. Ps….Hello Singapore!!!  Pss….who wants to buy the rest of the goats? Or some. Psss……Lordie! This is my most scattered blog ever! Not my true writing style. Please, if you’re reading…..randomly select another and see that I’m actually a good writer!   Lol

Orlando…

YO….Costa Rica…..You need to hire me! I’m a multitasker. I’ll paint your beautiful landscapes and flora and fauna with my beautiful soft wools and silks, I’ll tell the world about you too….right here in this blog. I’ll do what I always do. Tell the truth. The good and the bad and believe me….people appreciate getting a heads up so they can make a smart choice in life. I’m also a good writer. I’ll be your spokeswoman. And I’ll learn Spanish soon. Lo siento yo no habla Espanola ahora. Not bad for 3 months, eh? I can even be an advisor. The first thing I would suggest is to bring some capital to your country. Legalize cannabis and ayahuasca. There….gave you a free sample. Your people deserve more than 2 dollars an hour. I love these people. Very forgiving of ignorance and a great sense of humor….that and hard work ethics. Thank you for listening.

Haha. Fun. What is not fun however….is the rain right now in Texas. I looked at the forecast…a 10 day forecast…..rain. God did say my place was the Ark. Guess He wants me there when it rises. I’ll have to use a goose or a guinea to search for dry land instead of a dove. Well….I guess if the taxi driver shows up in the morning…..Merlin…..Love ya…..then that will be my sign I’m supposed to go. Merlin speaks quite a bit of English and stops for tourist photos for you. I’ll give ya his number if ya need it…just holler. Or…if ya need one to Mt Chirripo….Chus is your guy, he didn’t let us fall to our deaths, yay! These are San Isidro drivers, but see, like I’m gonna call Merlin when I get back …..on Skype….and he’ll come to the airport and get me. Or…shoot…I could message him on Facebook. Oh ok crap. This is ridiculous. I just saw a video of Austin flooding! Austin! Austin doesn’t flood! I don’t wanna go! Haha…I asked aya to turn my hair silver early….now I see it’s a trend. Yikes. And I really wanted it. Either that or rainbow hair! I didn’t tell ya. As we were driving down the muddy mountain roads on the way out today, a blue morpho butterfly flew in front of us…towards us. I took it as an acknowledgment that I was leaving…a goodbye… A friend asked….are you sure it’s not a …stop don’t go? No. I’m not. I’m still asking for signs and trying to direct them, like saying…..ok…anything I deem a sign from now on, goes in the GO category. Ok….night night. 10:46pm = 11 = Master number!

   
     What a day!!! Merlin arrived early!!! It was a fast rush out then and a long 3 hour drive. Great conversation the whole way, Merlin….the best taxi guy in CR!!!! Then….a 3 hour wait. But I had the most fun!!!! Wish there was a photo cuz maybe I do like attention after all. I was sitting against a large pillar, doin my art, when I realized that the group of 2-5 people watching me had grown! 20? Wow!!! That was too cool! One Tico said….you’re really an artist!! Lol that’s never happened and lemme just say…ya. I didn’t have change so I trusted Merlin for a future ride!!! Oh ya, that reminds me. If you should EVER COME TO COSTA RICA…..DO NOT……..bring anything but pristinely perfect money bills!!!!! They reject em and you’re out money. As for traveling….A lot easier when you have no luggage!! And what an odd travel day. No checks if my bags, no making me dump my water outtA water bottle, no making sure I wore seatbelt and no making tray table up. Weird. Went straight for my Chilis cookie but not on the menu!!!! Panda Express instead and now I’m sleepy. 17 hours to go. Gonna lay down now…sorta. Signing off from Orlando airport…quiet wing. 

   
 
Ps…..on the way to Costa Rica, I thought he was real and I wanted to go in the box.  Lol

Rainy season…….here AND in Texas

Funny. When I quit drinking 11 or so months ago, I was so worried about sleeping. Sleep was a childhood issue for me that kept me in a late night daze my whole life. Sleep….it’s pretty key. It’s probably the answers we seek……while our suits are recharging their batteries, our beings go on about their business. Just a guess. Anyway….I so carefully switched from beer to chamomile tea. Loyally drank that tea and slept. Arrived in Costa Rica and suddenly didn’t need the tea. 3 months now, no tea…just cannabis. Till last night. Last night…upon excitement and fear of the choice to return to Texas now….I tossed and turned. My first real time. Amazing. God is indeed good. A year…my God! July 7th it will be! 5 more weeks. Two days ago my mind had me in such a stranglehold that I thought I’d return to Texas and start the beer and cigarettes again….speed things up. Then the tooth broke and it seems to have shifted things. Had a text conversation with hubby that has me scratching my head and even a few scraps of hope. I wish God would give me a manual on that man. OR….maybe he just likes the house to himself….well, cept Jesse who rarely comes downstairs. I have to be honest. I seem to be buying into the energy that says something is gonna happen. Something big and something soon. Since I can’t decide where I’d wanna be for such a thing….I’ve decided to just leave it in Gods hands…since that is His suggestion for me right now after all……flow with the flow……follow the signs…..the breadcrumbs. The reason I’m thinking on it tonight is the weather there. Rain. Tons and tons of rain in Texas. All those earthquakes. I’m silly. Not connected yet…..maybe they are…..it’s one ball…..one planet perhaps….who is scratching maybe AND sneezing! And belching to boot. One busy mother nature, yes? Wonder how that Japanese radiation is doing? Where has it reached? The whole globe? Just a lil scared of I don’t know what. Haha…it’s still raining in Texas….and flooding. Uggh!!! (Update about loss of sleep…spoke with landlord and she didn’t either nor did her friend…same night. Interesting.)

   
       
Well, finally got the taxi straightened out. My taxi guy doesn’t have 4×4 so I had to do the google translate thing and go back and forth with that. In the end….I’ll use their taxi guy. Helluva hill…dangerous is an understatement…..didn’t wanna take a chance. I didn’t wake up crying in fear today so maybe that’s a good sign. Lol…have since the tooth broke and I knew I was going back. And I’m talking 4am, 5am, 6am….wakeup….oh shit…tears….pull the covers up. K……back in a bit. WOWZA. He got to the part where he opens the gate and drives down the tiny dirt road hanging off the edge of the mountain and decided he shouldn’t go. I would have to walk. Carrying a suitcase and 2 bags. I got angry and then began to cry said…no, get in. So, he drove me in…we had to back up several times to try to get up the mud hill…but eventually we made it without slipping off the edge of the world. He no speaky English so he walked to the place with me and someone helped translate…..no, he would not come all the way back…only to the gate…..SO……I asked him to wait. We had one hour together. I kept getting emotional. I will miss my Little Feathers. Got a fresh new round of skeeter bites while I was there….wouldn’t wanna come home without any would I? Hell yes. On the way home…..as we reached the lil city, I saw a motorcycle laying in the road. One with the big case on back…a delivery guy. I saw another, that guy was standing and talking…where is the other guy? Oh heck….he’s directly across from us. A few feet away…laying there moaning. A car 2 feet from him. I prayed then wondered….how long will he lay there before an ambulance comes? This country is not as quick moving. Scared me. Never seen an accident before. Poor broken guy. Ha….turns out my landlord is reading my blog! So she knew I was leaving. Here I was trying to be sneaky so she wouldn’t try to talk me out of it or something, lol. Nah….she was sweet. Made me a smoothie!

   
  

    Was explaining something to Summer about my thoughts. She said…..you don’t want thoughts…or something along those lines…which they say is the goal……I however had to tell her that I was not in that space…nope…..the ayahuasca has me in an enthralled space. I am stunningly fascinated with the way my mind now works, so I do NOT wanna shut it down. Too much fun sorting through it these days. It’s like finding pearls and diamonds and crystals…..in a mud swine bog. OH MY GOD………………..I’ve just realized another aya change!!! I was thinking about the topic of putting down goats…as in ending their life…..i’ve done it and I don’t like the methods available to me. Point is….while I was thinkin on it….my mind was rather matter of fact like……me, I’m usually very emotional and lovey…..but my mind went to a very sharp knife and learning from a hunter, how to slit the throat the right way. Holy bejeezers batman!!! So ya…..I’d say the times….they are a changin. So….why is God sending me out in this Texas storm? If I don’t go…I basically lose the ticket…all but 97 dollars…big whoop. That’s how much it cost to change a flight. TOO MUCH. Ok….I just made a rainbow in my hands and threw it to Texas. Catch! 3 months later….I will be entering my home with the very same lung inhaler I left with that usually needs to be replaced every 15 days. I will miss breathing. Ok ok…..i will miss breathing well….until I return to the clean clean fresh healing Costa Rican air. But lemme tell ya. I am getting so excited tonight at the prospect of real food that it’s starting to tingle. My daughter had cut me off of meat and dairy. I refused to cut the sugar too. Now….although I intend to eat GMO free whenever possible…and eat organic veggies…..I will eat…..whatever I want. If it causes digestion issues, I’ll take note. This is life. My life. I want to live it while I’m still alive. So many things can kill me…the air, they pollute the air….the milk, so juiced up with antibiotics its oozing gross……the radiation from Fukashima, the earthquakes and volcanos, which incidentally I have no way of knowing if one is going off here….there be loud noises!!! It’s canyons and they reverberate man. We’re already dead the minute we’re and born….there’s just time in between. Here’s to the food in the INBETWEEN. Seriously…..once in a great while……bacon cheeseburger….come to MAMA! That’s if I can stand the guilt…….and the memory of Aya, and God saying….now what am I supposed to do with this dead chicken? LOLLLLLL Yes, I had eaten chicken before a ceremony while at the beach. So sue me. Haha. I actually think it might have been a joke….God, joking with me. Ya….we close. On the other hand….trust is the order of the day right now. I gotta leave outta here at 7:30am for a 3-4 hr drive to San Jose…long stop in Orlando and into the deluge going on in Texas. So far downed trees are the only harm….which then rendered one luckily empty pen…now useless. No shade. Pretty shaky now with nerves. How much pot does one woman need for one night? Haha…we shall see if I saved myself enough. Ok….time to watch a movie to distract myself, ya right. Not taking any bags, just a backpack…the tourist kind. Solo traveler…….here I go!!! Holy cow! Signing off……………from Costa Rica….Quebradas, Las Tombas Valley, Mt Chirripo andSan Isidro……for now. LOVE LOVE Costa RICA!!!!!!!!! Back in a few! Texas…..babies…..Mama’s comin home!

God paused the Melancholy…

It’s really funny how we shift and show. As life dances with us….we exclaim it all. We shout the highs of joy with the utmost of excitement and integrity…..and we scream and whisper the anguish, the pain that is oozing out of us like lava. We have always done this before I would guess, it’s just that the playing field has grown exponentially. I can now screech my joy to close to 500 people and they will say ahhhhhhh, or oooooh! Our own lil fireworks shows! And for some of you reading my Costa Rica journey……you may be thinking it was a failure. Wrong. Very wrong. Both ladies from the Sound of Light suggested in different ways that I look at it in a different light. Not look at it as…oh no, the depression is returning. And upon reflection…they are right. Its a lot of things….and depressing is one….but depression….hmmmm. What it really is….is me…….being sad. Yes. I am sad. Here it is in a nutshell. I finally figured it out. (Oh, and then there’s the death thing….I sure don’t feel like I’m dyin)

My whole life I wanted to be an artist. When God finally granted me with that ability…..the people did not respond as I’d thought. It was shocking to my system. It has remained so. To have that gallery and watch day after day as the people looked then walked out…hurt like hell. Apparently I counted it as a measure of my worth. And then, when I tried to get extra cash in life to pay for my joy…..the art………I couldn’t get any. Nobody was buying. I just kept on buying the supplies and building the art….why????? I cannot stop, that’s why. It is a thing in my gut that drives me. But what if the God given skill you have….isn’t wanted? What then? Isn’t it the desire of every child ever born…..to have someone like what they did? In the movie Phenomenon, they called it….buying her chairs. Not enough people bought my chairs. It made me very sad. This, is my 2nd life depression, in a nutshell. I was watching a movie the other night while being so sad. I hear them say…..I’ve never seen anything like it in my life! Of course, my head riveted to those words since I heard them every single day in my art gallery……well, the thing on tv that was so new….was the TV. LOL……that finally took off, eh? So ya. My plan now is to sell during this festival for conscious people. If it still don’t sell….I’m out. Oh, I’ll probably still make em….just I’ll keep em and hide em. Gotta do what ya gotta do. If they don’t sell….I will give up. Not on life….just on that art. I’ll still be sad but maybe not as sad. I will be vending. If you have a product that you think would sell to either….Gringos(non costa Ricans who are desperate for something from the World) or for the Tico’s(locals who make $2 an hour and want something either pretty or useful but at way discounted prices) then send it my way for consignment. My new friend Elena…her whole booth is stuff other people make. Just gotta account for shipping. Kinda high….but UPS might be less….dunno yet.

   
      Taxi is arranged for a day with my daughter tomorrow morning…then we leave out Tuesday morning. I have nearly 24 full hours in Orlando…good grief….why?????? Alone. IN an airport. Ridiculous. Ok….back to what I was explaining. Every single day…..I notice something different in my thought patterns. I notice myself noticing things. I am evolving at a speed quite fast and jeesh……coming from a person who cried her whole life…ya…..probably to be expected. And speaking of that….whats wrong with crying all day? LOL…aside from getting nothing done…..it is a beautiful event. It feels sacred and looks sacred. Tears. The colors of our soul. There is something very elegant and powerful about watching someone cry. Or feeling yourself heave with the weight of it all. There is beauty there. I shall endeavor to love myself while I’m crying and remember that I am releasing……like dumping computer files. Room for more! Haha! But my mind is working out plans. I know….God laughs….but I think even God would approve of these. I have a few ideas of what would sell here and I plan to somehow invest in them to bring and sell…..but I’m also planning a small kickstarter. Very small. I need something in particular here in Costa Rica to do my work. $600 small. But necessary to thrive. Lol….if I tell ya now the whole world will be having a kickstarter to get one! Oh….and a sewing machine and magic sewing for dummies book. The feltloom would be great….one day. Haha. So technically…..I’m playing in a new sandbox thanks to the ayahuasca. Kinda glad I didn’t do it last night. I know the sadness just got swallowed up by change, so I’ll ride this wave while I process more and more of the DNA changes and mind freeing radicals. Hehehe. Oooooh….great line in a movie……”Why do I stand here with my hands in my metaphorical pockets…..chained to my comfortable spot of fear?” Ya!!! Love it. I’ve personally been trying to break outta fears. When I feel one now…post aya……I go into it and try to come through the other side….haha….except the loud noise outside thingy. I was frozen I tell you!!!

There is something in me that just won’t let me do….whats popular. That, my friends, has sprouted a new thing……….if someone comes up with it, puts it out there and it is a success….there a many many who will come and duplicate that and make their money on your idea. Something won’t let me do that. It’s taking over the world though. How much original thought is actually goin on these days???/ huh, huh???? Maybe that’s my main problem…I should be afraid of failure….those people are so afraid of it, they only do successful things, no risks….so they succeed on someone elses back, but they succeed. However…..Fear of failure has never been my problem…I fail all the time. Nope…I fear success. I fear Making it! It’s that damn quote where we fear our own greatness. In my first rebirth…that God gave me….I woke to the curiosity of the natural world. In this rebirth….that God and ayahuasca gave me….I woke to the curiosity of me. Of the human. The human mind and most likely the path will steer me also to dissect aspects of the physical as well. How else will I learn what heals and what doesn’t? Haha…another reason for my pain….to benefit others when I figure the crap out. In the end, it doesn’t matter what excites me or saddens me…or us……cuz it will blow away like a leaf and be replaced. So many leaves will be blown in that soon, it’ll be covered and the original leaf will be compost….turned to dirt once again. WAIT>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Hold everything! Why would I give up if it doesn’t work this time? I only started it 3 years ago!!! If it doesn’t work….then by golly I should and maybe will…go on a world tour. LOL…figure it out somehow…sell em outta my bag. I betcha in the world there are people who would love to spend hard earned money on soft and beautiful. That’s my art. Soft and beautiful. Haha….I’ll ride through Prague and Greece with a fuzzy painting strapped to my bicycle basket! People will stop me and say….HO!!! Are you the famed fuzzy painting bicycle Lady? Can I buy a painting from you??? Lol…..I like being of cheerful mood. WOW….here’s a thought…..since you guys know my downside……how bout if the sadness changes my channel and won’t let me change it back……I just tell you guys??? Both on FB and here….you can lift my spirits and carry me through till smooth highways return. Whatdya think? We lift each other up. How can I, we…lift you? Anyone? Watchin the cutest movie about a guy who is about to kill himself when the phone rings and he learns his dad died and he has to go get the body. Life threw wires around and rerouts his life…or should I say, his death. Life does that. I feel like life is rerouting me. Signing off at Quebradas Costa Rica…plan is to taxi to Summer in the morning, spend day, come back here then taxi at 8am to San Jose for plane to Orlando with 24 hour layover to arrive home Wednesday afternoon. That’s my plan…lets see what God has to say. Love love PS…took the trash out and found some beauty.

         

following the signs…..

There are many things that make me different from the masses but here is one. I’ve been to a rainbow gathering and this is how it rubbed off on me. Upon discovering that an umbrella was a darnright must have utensil in a rain forest country, my mind simply would not rest until it had procured a fix for the conundrum of what to do with it when it was not raining….and you are not at home to lay it down. I knew the rainbow answer immediately but it took me a few weeks to both find, remember, and buy…ya that’s 3…..the material. I wanted a strip…..just a simple strip of cloth to tie onto the umbrella so it could then become a part of my wardrobe and be worn over my shoulder. Haven’t seen a single umbrella thus outfitted….so ya….I’m unique. Cuz honey…..ye don’t go nowhere in Costa Rica without one. Also…..I carry these twisty thingies wherever I go or use hooks. Anything to make life simpler. If I’m somewhere wearing a dress and it calls for pants or shorts….why, I’ll tie a knot somewhere and create just that. I keep hairties on my wrist for whenever they’re needed…say, for tying the hair braid up…..while doing ayahuasca so I don’t puke on my hair. Or if clothes are too big. Remember, I buy thrift store clothes. Haha….learning to use sage on them…saw Billy Graham is worried they could be haunted! LOL. LOL….but they could. So I sage. My daughter laughed at me bringing the twisties. I’ve used them plenty. Oh ya…also….my thief system. I have money in my waist pockets, and my leather purse. Not my purse. I strap the strap of the leather purse into the waist pocket closure, so they both have to come off to get one. Which one to try to steal? The pockets? The purse? The leather purse? Purse is easy to grab, not secured onto me. Of course, it’s got no money. Haha, my lil way. I was hanging the umbrella from the waist pocket but it wasn’t foolproof.

   
 Ok…so my tooth broke. What? Haha…..I worried so about the fake teeth and the aya…that I’d go so insane doing the aya that I would try to tear the teeth out with my nails…..so I cut my nails…..and here I am….I’ve don’t the aya safely…and wala…..the tooth breaks out. I created what I feared in a general way, not specific, which is usually how it works. I put all that worry energy of teeth being gone….into the energy field. So……since these are designer teeth…..I should tell you the story. Sorry if I repeat myself. Hubby and I went to Clear Choice Dental Implants anywhere from 5-10 yrs ago. We went in just to talk. My teeth were nothing but jagged shards on top. Bottom teeth not as bad. After an hour long spiel, they say the price…..TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. I cried and got up to leave very angry. Get my hopes up you piss ants. Lady says….but aren’t you worth it? Don’t you think you’re worth twenty five thousand dollars? That my friends was her sales pitch and she snagged her fish. My husband. He wanted me to feel worthy so he said yes. Not sure how he feels nowadays….but he got me the outrageously expensive teeth and we are probably still paying. I think though, that it was one price…..covers all in future. So…….one of the teeth has broken off of the bridge that is implanted with titanium screws. Not sure if one of the screws came out but don’t wanna risk the whole thing comin out cuz it’s all one piece and they shaved the bone down to nothing. Looks horrendous. I’m headed home. Looks like God answered the question of what next. Texas. But just to get my stuff. Then…..I texted with hubby and he asks if I’m comin back here. I say ya. Then I spell out my wish. To create art, sell it at beach during festival and live half and half here and there. He didn’t say no. Then he dropped outta conversation so later I said…are you done with this topic and he said….I’m helping Bryan. Lol. Ya, he was stressed about it. Haha. So, it’s possible folks!!! I might get what I think I want. We gotta be so very careful thinking we want something…we might get it! And it might and might not be good for us. I prefer Gods way…let him lead the waltz. I let him know what I preferred…..this is His response….so far. Oh…..the spider let me sleep without manhandling me….she didn’t move till morning….big ole girl…..but the invading bugs were mean. Got in my bed and when I brushed one off…he said something to the others and they went nutso!!! Freaked me out. I couldn’t brush them off fast enough it just made them more aggressive! I tried sage smoke…nope……..finally I turned bathroom light on….my light off and eventually they moved. Not fun one little bit. Not a pleasant night…lost the tooth, huge spider not leaving my space and the bugs. I survived though. So….I am all packed. Literally. My flight is Tuesday and it is Saturday at 3pm. Summer wants a hug and says she can’t leave there so I’ll probably have to spend the taxi money. Expensive hug little feathers! You’re worth it. She’s afraid I won’t make it back. Elena….it’s ok…..I know you’ll be worried too. I’ll hurry back. In fact……why don’t I leave my suitcase here. Hmmm. Ok…got some repacking and rearranging to do. What a great idea…thanks guys! This way I can bring even more fiber back. Ya, gonna have to rebuy suitcases….but if ya get a good deal its ok.

   
    Suitcases….fiber….goats. I really wanted to ship them here but it’s looking less likely. That’s a very long drive through several countries, and there’s no telling how they’d do with all this rain….worms and rain go together but they have other goats here. But…I’ll probably need to sell them. What’s left that is. 15 of my best or my favorite goats. I’ve got a few really special ones. I haven’t been paid yet for selling the 30 goats….but I really wanted them to go to one place so I was willing to do that. But I really need the money to kick things off when I get back here to costa Rica, so It would be nice to get actual cash. And…..the depression should be ok for now. Decided I’m a bit too stressed to do aya today, so I’m not. The change should be stimulus enough to affect the serotonin. Bluedog!!! My son!!! My puppy! My babies…my kitties…my puppies! Oh but it’s all so stressful. Will I make it back? How will I support myself? Will people buy my art? Will I find another way if they don’t? Big deep breath. Breathe. Signing off sitting on a bed with everything packed up all around me….in Quebradas……Costa Rica baby. My stomach hurts at the thought of leaving…..God, please get me back before all the earthquakes and volcanoes go. I wanna be here.

Beets……it’s what’s for dinner 

 

stripping myself of quiet lies….

If I’m ever done talking about ayahuasca and the changes it’s made in me……I’ll let ya know. In the meantime….it’s all I can think of. Sure, I’m not thrilled that I had to tell you that the depression was creeping back. I wanted you to have hope…like I did. I still do, which is why I’ve tried to word all this very carefully and even withholding blogs. I don’t know the fullness of the why, so I hesitate. The truth is…..it changed most of me. I think so differently now. Even in depression, the old ruts playing….i can hear the analysis in the background. It’s deeper than me pondering the whys of my emotions so I can learn from them. It’s a different cycle. Like a fresh laptop, yet the same old software running. Ya….thats me. I’m a new motherboard! LOLLLLLL. Mama is a motherboard. Haha, I guess my new layered thrift clothes are the shiny new case! Anyway…….I have a hard time now with life. Well, maybe hard is not the right word. Ye know when the dog looks confused and he cocks his head to say….huh? Ya. I feel that way about most of life now, post ayahuasca. I feel smart. Ridiculously smart, but in ways that some wouldn’t even count…yet I would count it wholely important. I feel a lot of that goin on. Like…..I feel I know things on an energetic level….hard to explain……and watching life go by….couples, tv shows, the people in town in shops or street,…….the conversations I overhear, body language I notice. It’s as if I know more and I giggle a lot. Some at the expense of the unknowers, I gotta admit. In fact, I’m realizing I’m not as pretty inside as I’d thought….or wanted to think. You see….the ayahuasca shows you everything. Not just at ceremony…but ever after I would imagine.

So, whats happening with the depression is…lots. Shahaf(from Sound of Light…ayahuasca place) today suggested that perhaps I not look at it as the depression returning, and more like….a new thing to look at. I can’t remember how she said it exactly. As I heard myself speak to others about it….things ticked. By evening I knew what was up. My depression, as I said yesterday, is broken. Wrong. False. Broke. No matter how I try to make sense of it, I fail. I gotta figure out a way to write it out, scientifically. Like pros and cons or something similar. :+)) And the spoonful of aya a day. I heard about that a month ago in the aya group on FB. I fully intend to check into it. I’d either have to order it illegally…..or move here. Or the Amazon. But you see…….it was like day and night. Today. At market. Talking to new friends, trying to make sense of it…how odd that I chose to do so for one thing…….the pieces of a puzzle came together for me….showing me….that my depression wasn’t right. It was flawed. Hmmm, that means I should be able to send it back. I’m sure it’s under warranty. I met an old man who was in the shrink business and I know how to get a hold of him. I know that God arranged for us to meet today so that I could explain what makes me sad….and he could help me put in in a pkg that I can handle….cuz this pkg is broke broke broke. Beyond that…..I believe that possibly the best plan for me is to take a spoon of aya each day. See if that keeps the serotonin levels on an even kilter. That’s what I wanna do….what makes sense. If I hadn’t met with Anat today though, I wouldn’t even have that thought in my head so I am very grateful to the players in todays God speaks to MamaSheri Sunshine. A lot of players today. Even Summer messaged me after complete silence since she left. Shit, even Agula was at market. And I met a man named Mike, who gets horny when he smokes pot….and Walter the 83 yr old shrink who lives in Columbia and here both each month, and Ralph and Barbara and and and. I met so many that I forgot all the names. My lil ole carver friend(carves art into a half round of some vegetable or something and charges like a dollar and holds up this little plastic bowl of coins and shakes it towards you, who has bonded with me and we did the Jesus and me pose, heads bent and touching……..who chatters away at me in some language, Vietnamese maybe and acts like I understand and I….who act like I understand.) Haha. He gave me a hug and kissed my cheek today.

I’m learning so much about myself. Not all good. I’m envious. I hear someone has figured something out and has a great product…..my first response is…why couldn’t I? I’m embarrassed to feel that way, but it’s true. I feel like such a failure…and I guess envy goes with it like a ring and a finger. I jump between wanting to do something big…something really out there….to thinking I’m useless. Seems to be the word I use most often. Therein is where the conundrum lies. I’m not useless. I am that jack of all trades master of none yes, but that doesn’t make me useless. It just makes one think they’re not qualified to do any of their skills. Another conundrum….why does it matter? Why do I not just sit on my laurels and raise goats and knit scarves and hats? Sorry….no disrespect intended. Its good laurels. Uggh……my thoughts run so fast now that I can’t get them out fast enough or enough period. So many worthy thoughts. See what I mean? I giggle all the time when I’m not crying!!! Lol. Ok…I’m sleepy and not making sense and this is complicated enough. 12:04am =7 = Holy.

I had thought I’d do aya tonight but I had to argue via text all day to try to keep my iphone. Still not sure if I was successful. A day of severe stress……..why doesn’t he care??? I was too upset to think about aya. Maybe tomorrow. Pretty sure I need a fresh dip in humanitys ocean of wisdom and knowledge………maybe this time will help me understand why such depths of rending soul are needed. I saw a photo on FB of what fibromyalgia might look like if it were visible on the skin. It was a horrid picture of blue veins and bruises. Well….since I basically have that in my arms and legs….add the mind issues and….lets just paint me as a tall glass of bright red. I am a work of art in progress…….stay tuned for the completed vessel. Signing off from this beautiful dark day. Unpatiently waiting for my life to live.

hmmm…..

Back in Texas, I can’t even call it home anymore cuz what is a home? No clue. But back there, I lived in the country. I knew all the sounds. I was comforted by knowing all the critters, all the sounds. The humans were far enough away that we didn’t see them but we did hear people using the access road. No biggie, to be expected sounds. Enter Quebradas Costa Rica. This is a menagerie of mystery sounds and not so mystery sounds. Unbelievably large vehicles go up and down the hill 25 ft from my door….and it’s a bumpy road. Many many motorcycles go up this same road along with the hourly bus and every other car in Costa Rica. One of the neighbors has a teenage son who likes techo music loud when his mom leaves the house, the mystery chunk of glass that landed on the glass table made quite the sound, the big bangs that make no sense, the loud speaker announcing the wares, horns honking, kids crying, dogs barking, the jungle noises…some are awesomely pleasant….like being woke to the sound of many hummingbirds playing outside my window….lasted about half an hour and was not meant to be shared or the photos or video would have turned out. AND…..some are not so pleasant and the mystery animal sound scare I recently had. For several nights I was frozen in place…..terrified by the loud sounds coming from outside my door. I figured it was an animal after the fallen weird bananas and I was right apparently, since I finally got brave and tossed the banana bunches away from my porch. (Most likely it was the animal I seek to see…..the kinkajou, monkey looking critter…..but no, too fearful to look and see. Quite an eyeopener for me. To see, experience the extent of the fear I had. Literally couldn’t move. Keep thinking about the volcano burps and the earthquake……and the earthquakes everywhere else and all the other volcanos. Thinking….here I am…in a strange country….at what could be the end of the earth. I’m not home. Therein comes the issue for me. What is home? Where is my comfort? What is the point of life? Why are we here? Sometimes I get such a kick out of my new way of thinking….the ayahuasca changes…..it’s really fun. Not all moments are fun. Have I told you I’m smarter now? Yup.

I left many things behind at Awakening Soul….my pillow, towel, blanket, meds, most of the fiber, my art foam, my dirty whites from ayahuasca including a sweater and a winter cape. My basket too lol. I brought a lot of fiber, which I don’t have(it’s at awakening soul)…..and not so many clothes, so I’ve been adding to my closet with thrift store finds. They call them Americana’s. I’m tellin ya….this new style I have…..it’s just adorable. It’s a thrifty style. Tonight when I got home with my pants soaked….I grabbed a new skirt from a few weeks back. It was one that I folded way over and over in the store to get it to work right but knew in the back of my head that it was most likely originally intended as a large persons tube top dress…not a skirt. Well….as I throw it on to get dry, I decide to see…..and pull it up and yup….it works as a tube dress but it’s too big. Hmmmm. Hair tie to the rescue and wala….I now have a really cute jigjaggy dress! Thought I was gonna have to cut and sew and buy a bit of navy fabric….but nope…hairtie. I love hairties. I’m falling in love with myself. Slowly. Amidst the pain and rutty grooves, I see me and see the Right about me more and more. Right wrong, good evil, big little, and the middle.
Once upon a time, I didn’t give a whits ass what I looked like….or if people liked what I looked like. I was free. Not entirely free by any means…but I was free from the things that go with looks……nails, hairdo’s, shopping, shoes, am I pretty, do I look good enough, is this outfit good enough, do I match well enough, God look at those wrinkles!!! Those things didn’t bother me. But I think they did bother someone. It was encouraged that I change the way I dress. So I did. Then, it was encouraged that I change the way I eat. So I did. My encourager left the photo, so I went back to eating the closest thing to comfort food I then knew…..other options had since been removed. For this trip, and for the healing….I went back to the bad food that I’m now supposed to consider good food. I’ve been reassessing. Processing. New perspectives, new eyes. Not likin some things I see. I’m done being the willy nilly child. Willy nilly child exits the building. Here’s the bottomline and I’m back to it…of course I am…it’s the bottom line. I am me. I trust me and I trust my inner voice…well, not the one that says I suck, the other one. The God one. The tiny voice. I hear it, I listen to it and I usually obey it but lately, there’s been an extra voice in my head. It cannot stay there. Love does not allow it. Back to the clothing……it brought back into my life….envy, pride, vanity, passion(in a celibate woman) and….it took money from me. Before this…..I wore mens sleep pants and Walmart $5 tshirts. Yes, dressing this way has been fun, way fun…..but dang. I evolved backwards!!! (and yes, the thrift store finds are only $4 or so too, but I now actively seek it out!!!)But did I say it’s been SO fun????? SO fun!!! (It woke the designer in me)

I have all this time alone here….to ponder. I used to ponder at home in my bed. Now I ponder in this home, in this bed. Ponder, sort, process. Angry with God. Prayed for 3 years for God to give me something I could make money with using my goats hair. He gave me a skill, an art….but people didn’t buy it. It occurred to me yesterday that it was Gods fault for giving me a crap skill. Ya…..I’m in a pickle. I’m in a bind, a twisted bind. When I arrived the very first day up on Chirripo mountain, I knew I had to stay. Of all the places here in Costa Rica, I could have stayed there and not worried about money and lived there happily my whole life as a community Grandmother. A wise elder. No. Not to be. Next place, not. Next, not. But since day one….I’ve been trying to find a way to support myself, so I could stay. I am a married woman and I do not need to find a way to support myself, yet this is what occupies my brain 24/7. This is what causes the depression. The I’m not good enough complex. This is what is trying to whoop Ayahuasca’s ass! And why? WHY? What is so great about this place? The mosquitos? The food? Ok….so there are only 2 downsides, but really? Still????? In Texas I’m only 3 hours from the beach…..here, 30 min, but 3 hours isn’t that bad. Will I see someone I know at that beach? No. Why does that appeal to me so much? Why is the fact that there are like minded people every where I show up……such a draw for me? At the end of the day, I really am a loner. So….what? What am I hanging on to? And why? Am I hanging onto my daughter? If so,, why……won’t she still love me tomorrow? Won’t she love me regardless? Not sure. Moms love their kids…..not sure the legalities on the reverse.

When I was first diagnosed, I cried and asked my daughter for help in staying alive. Now I want to change that. I don’t want help staying alive. I just want to be happy and I want my kids to be happy. Dying, that’s Gods business. I never paid attention to the human version of it anyway. How many times did Doc tell me I was dying when she first met me??? Three. I ignored them all. That was 13 years ago. (1st liver, 2nd thyroid disease, 3rd body in dying mode) Well all I can say is wow…..my body has been in dying mode for 10 years. A whole decade. For Gods sakes……no…for MY sake…….I’m just gonna live…until I die. But….as Sinatra the great would say….I’m gonna do it MY WAY. Love you all. Signing off from this introspection at 11:44pm……Quebradas Costa Rica. PS…..I feel like I’m now in one of those carnival funny rides thingies. Ye know with the funny mirrors and everything is distorted. Being me is not easy work. Oh….and about those noises…….how’s a gal to know if the world is coming to an end if she’s already used to shrugging off huge loud sounds as….normal??? Haha…..I did feel that earthquake tho….but not the volcano hiccups. Pss….oh great. There are already over 100,000 monks….they don’t need me. Psssss…sorry, know this is running way long. Just realized that my plane leaves in a week. I can fly it home or I can extend it and guess at a date….any date. So….where do I wanna be? Where would I wanna be if the world were ending? This is a couple days old…tomorrow is Market Day. Rained twice today. Hehe. Rainy season about to start!

PSSsssss. This is a week or so old. I kept thinking it was no good but what the heck. Today was market day and all I can say is…after talking with a few people today about my depression…….I’ve come to the conclusion that….my Depression is BROKEN. It is not correct. No matter how hard I analyze it, it never makes sense. I meet an 83 yr old shrink today. Think I’ll let him help me if he can. Also…..heard that I need may need the ayahuasca every 4-8 weeks to keep my seratonin levels up. Damn. Looking into it.