little light bulbs…

As a human BEING…….we have 2 choices that I can see with these old eyes. We can just exist, waking…sleeping…eating…loving…losing….fearing….hating…crying….screaming….living. OR….we can do like the yogi’s do. The Buddha’s, the monks, the Ascended Masters. The first choice, is living as life lives itself. I did it that way for 38 years. Perhaps longer even, but the 38 is when I got new spiritual eyes to see with. Oh….maybe my 3rd eye has been open since then and here I been just a beggin fool….haha. I bet it has….and I fell for the calcified theory!!! The on purpose method, that I choose, is co-creation of life living itself. Doesn’t sound like that much difference but I assure you, there is. I call it….asleep and awake. The people letting life live them…like I did for 38 years…..are asleep, in my scenario. I, living this chosen deliberate way, am awake. Not enlightened….but being enlightened. Enlightenment is not a landing pad you arrive at, where you are then whisked off to the land of ascension. Nah. In fact….there is NOT a state of enlightenment, cuz the moment you are enlightened…….you can then be enlightened about something else. Little light bulbs, lighting up in your mind…..or technically, your heart. The heart is by far the biggest most fantastical item in the body. It is like the brain……but bigger, faster, better….like the bionic man. Yup…..we all have bionic hearts and most of us don’t even know. Google it. Oh…, heart as a brain. That should get you the knowledge. Really fascinating stuff they don’t teach you in school. Come to think of it….what DO they teach us at school that we actually use in life?

Because I co-create my life, that means I get to give Input. I get to fill my shopping cart up with all I want out of life……..the more I want something, the more I’m going to add more of it to my cart. My life is like a perpetual shopping mall. When sufficient emotions have arrived with sufficient amounts of the product in my cart……..when I have matched its energy, with my purchases(thoughts), then it will arrive. I will find myself suddenly within and already experiencing such a wish. Manifesting. There are so so so many ways to do it. Imagination is the key. Hey…..that means you’ve got a key!!! I have a key….everybody has a key! Well……I’m going to tell you a thing now. Ready? Imagination. That stuff they say is for kids? HAHA……..they are robbing you. Image-a-nation, is THE tool of life. It is NOT something relegated to kindergarten or Hollywood. They wish. I heard someone say the other day that they’d had a couple synchronicities! WOW. Yay! Great! Now….come on over to my side……and you will not even react when that happens. It will be so commonplace, that there will be no mystery or magic to it. It’s ok. There’s plenty of other places where mystery and magic prevail.

Seems only a blink ago that this topic would have labeled me crazy. Now I’m wondering why I’m bothering. Don’t most people know about this these days? Alas, the answer to that is…..yup….keep writing it….keep waking them, till a tipping point is reached. So much hype that we had reached that tipping point and that on 9/28, we’d all start to ascend and finish it out within the year. Getting tired of the malarkey. Speaking of malarkey, trying to make sense of whether I have a gift or….the gift of malarkey. Today a friend had to put her precious little dog to sleep. I can often see into fresh death, so I checked in. Saw the lil dog but then tried to go further cuz my friend was really hurting. Then it began to not make sense. Trying too hard. It occurred to me that I should practice this gift, cuz it is indeed a gift. (it requires a death though!!!) It requires faith ……and speaking what I see and hear….no matter how silly. I felt silly today as I tried to go too far……but if I don’t push the lines, I won’t know where they are. It’s something that was revealed to me in the last few days of spiritual transformation…….to revisit my skills and talents and turn them a different way. So, I’m trying that. I want to provide financial abundance for myself and I’m tallying my skills. Actually, I got some!!! So, I’m working on manifesting some help with lining bucks up…..I mean, ducks up.

I’ve been doing some really hard hard inner work regarding timelines and karma and lineages. Man, that stuff is rough. Rhonda is helping me soooo soooo much. You can hear her on Violet Flame Saturdays to get a feel for her if you’d like. Summer and I have been helping call decrees during the broadcast. Oh man. She’s considering leaving for awhile. Ah gee. Just sadded all over myself. Ok. Later. Signing off in Costa Rica. And wouldn’t it be nice if I knew who my audience was nowadays? Haha…… was for those who don’t think in terms of spiritual and chakras and light. Okie dok. Lovelove. PS……So much has happened you don’t know about! The dove, the eardrum, the star blinks, the muscle disease pain is back, falling in the river, the dead butterfly, the grasshoppers, the Supermoon…not much to say….I did my world prayers as usual with the added word….ascension, lol. Seriously man…….what a fun way to script things…..c’mon already! PSS!!! …….turns out I was right on all counts with little Bella!!! Yay! I’m a communicator!!!! Knew it but not the parameters….testing time!!!


love is the weapon to kill the DEAD…

Suicide. Awareness. Hmmm, there’s a month dedicated to both! I really don’t know why. What is the point of suicide awareness? Really? Are there people that do NOT know that people commit suicide? Nah. We all know. In fact, it’s becoming apparent to me that we all feel it at least once. So ya….we are all aware. What we may not be aware of however, is the numbers. And no, I don’t got em…..anyone can google it if’n they need to. It probably won’t surprise you to hear that the people who produce our technologies…..they….kill themselves. Regularly. Slaves really, but with a different label. So many that they put in nets….to keep the jumpers alive and producing more more more. For us us us. All for the future. The size 29 gal who MAY buy this particular dress……so we HAVE to make it in case she does want it. Ok fine….i offended. Then instead, it’s a size 54 gal. All I’m sayin is let her order it. Let us all order it!!! Same with the food. The stores are filled………….for what the people MIGHT buy. This system is stupid and wasteful and so friggin broken…..which creates broken people, who feel no way out, other than to jump to their deaths…….to prevent the slavery of their soul. This is why…..I am not opposed to Mother Earth doing some rockin and rollin. A new start is needed. Uncluttered by what USED to work.

I’m not yakkin at ya from a typewriter of notes…I come to ya from a well of deep and hysterical sadness. Remember those 38 years I was suicidal? And the 16 years since that  I’ve only let the thought pass through my brain, but no longer allowing it to stay the night? Well………….I recently experienced a reminder. A sadness so profound, that I would have completed the task in a heartbeat………………if I could have. But I couldn’t. I owed someone… life. It was a debt I was absolutely not willing to re-nig on…………… matter how deep the wound. I didn’t say a word. We all have our time and place to die. Some days the wait is too long, the skies in our mind too cloudy. Hmmm, that analogy sucked. The feelings going on in the body when one is contemplating ending the breath and heartbeat………..are so huge that only hurricanes, cyclones and  typhoons can be used in the analogy. The other weather events are not nearly extreme enough, harmful enough, deadly enough. Besides, we survive weather all the time. No, this is more like…………………being lost in the woods……and nobody knows you’re even missing…..the temps are dropping and hypothermia is about to set in. You say goodbye….you BEG goodbye. It is a conversation with God. Please God….take me home. I just want to be with you, please take me home. I cannot stay. Come for me. Ok….I’ll come to you. Because we are already dead. Herein lies the crux. The corner. What’s around that corner? Can’t see. It could be a…….waterfall, partner, wish, dream, far fetched dream, prize or a gift from your creator.
What is the largest classification of people who make this choice these days? Do you know? Do you know who feels so alone….so worthless………so useless……….that they choose that cliff……….DAILY???????? I don’t want to tell you. I want you to tell me. I want to know how bad the problem is. How many know. How many humans know which humans are so sad they want to leave. But….alas………………I rarely get responses so……………… is the answer. The natives. Yes, the Native Americans….whose land the whitey’s stole………..are so downtrodden……have been so thoroughly disavowed, disallowed, dislocated, disassociated… thoroughly DISSED…………that they die. By their own hand. This sadness can only be droughted……if the people know. If YOU know. But it’s not just a people. Or a personality, or a mental illness. It’s here. It is so really really here that it’s scary. A few weeks ago, a FB friend posted that they were considering suicide. As I clicked inside the post, expecting to see the traditional I’m sorry’s, buck up, you’ll be ok, call me, I love you’s….etc……..I discovered the opposite. Instead……………….I found………………….yup, me too girl……..oh, I know……….life is too hard………….I’m thinkin on it too, etc. WHAT???? Instead of helping the girl……all the people were responding that they too….wanted to die. WOW. 54 years and never ever expected or wanted to witness that. What’s a wayshower to do about that? A lightworker holding light for eight to ten people, all wanting to die? I’m not that powerful. I need more light. I need help…..bringing light!!! Come on people….how do you bring light???? So many ways. Step up!!! A smile! A wink. An offer. A prayer. A needed help. A loan. A ride. A hope. A full belly in a life of hunger.  A way. A reason. A dollar or two. A hug. A gift. A fancy meal. A dress! Buying their chairs.(their art, passion). A listening ear. A way to step up and out of the sadness that has them in a visegrip of hellfire.

But people are so offended though, by the act, that they only see the act. They see the selfishness of it, the longevity of it, the finality. They see their loss. Not the offenders pain. Like everything, suicide is about perspective. His, theirs, yours, ours. But in the end…..all it really comes down to….is……lack of love. I can feel the defensive hairs raising on your necks……it doesn’t mean there is no love……….it means………………it is not received with a good connection. Like say electricity. If the plug is in the wall outlet, it all looks good, yes? But what if… was loose at the other end??? Say, at the end where you put your appliance, not the wall end. Ooooh, a lightbulb click! So if you’re a mother and you shower your sad gothic child with all the love you can conjur……………..and they still………leave the planet……..please know that it was a faulty plug….at their end…..not yours. And I’m not even sure that faulty is the correct word. Because life can happen with faulty wires…love can happen……birth can happen. Some of the most beautiful things in life….are the broken ones….the challenged ones…..the faulty ones. What if….the wire was fried……cuz of love for God. What if…..we inwardly remember, and we yearn for that connection and we cannot find it here on earth so we step off the cliff….looking for it on the way down. Always searching for the connection that seals the current. That hand to hold, those arms around you, those tears wiped away by a finger, that voice in the night that says…’s ok, you’re ok. Does God do stuff like that? 

With suicide…the need is not balanced, and outweighs all other desires. The fires of the mind…..burn hotter than the naysayers….or the love. The love is heated and turns to liquid under duress….evaporating. So what you have, is a burning withered dry empty seeking shell, ………..looking for its SELF…………..and when the torture of this search reveals an empty path…….they fly away……still looking. If you were strapped to a bonfire……………wouldn’t you do the I Dream of Jeannie head bop…..and poof yourself outta there? Ya….so give them a break. Please. Finally already.  Please. We need to shift from the old ways of thinking. We need to let these people know….me included………..that there is a place for them. There IS love for them. IS hope for them. IS a NEED for them. IS a need for their gift. Every single Native American alive today……………………………..know this. You are loved. No matter what you’ve done. EVER. I love you. I will always love you. This same love………….goes to you……you who are from Russia, or Syria, Iraq, America, or France. I don’t care where…….or what. You are loved. No matter what outside horror……….inside….you deserve love. (I was actually thinking of ISIS when I wrote that last line) Love is the weapon to kill the dead. Please….use it responsibly. Signing off in Costa Rica……….cured? Dunno….alive? Yup.


…when everything is a GIFT

Today, I did things a little differently. Instead of just arriving outside and informing Mother that I am there and am comin in……haha…to her world of nature, that is……this time, I stopped and stood still as I asked. I said I came seeking mushrooms and anything they wanted me to see, to experience. I wondered aloud as I walked….where are all the mushrooms? I actually asked!!! See, usually I’m so excited to be out there, that  I announce my arrival and dive in. No. No mushrooms. When I got to the place I was soooooo hoping to find a gift I’d forgotten to take yesterday…… was gone. Even though I go by the premise of….if it’s still there, it’s meant for me to have it, I couldn’t help my disappointment. It was a butterfly, dead, and separated. As a couple tears made their way down my cheek against my wishes, Spirit gave me a different gift. A butterfly whose wings looked like water colors in the rain……allowed me to lift her up. She then rode on my finger throughout a portion of my shrooming. Last night, I did the same with a small moth, who stayed with me at least half an hour!!! As I mumbled and groaned about the carelessly broken shrub branches, I realeyes’d that these shrubs were a playground for the neighborhood insects.

So……….haha…..ya. I switched from looking down….to looking up. Which is exactly what happened yesterday which caused me to see….but forget my wing gift. It was up high, where I rarely see things. Like the day I saw the clear gel mushroom in the shrub on the branch….one of my all time favorite mushies and photo. It was unusual. Most mushrooms are either on log or a tree or the ground. This one was just sitting on a branch….mid height. Haha….like he had him a highrise!!! Ya… was his highrise that the gardener knocked off, among many many other really neat childlike cooooool places that I was watching and charting. Gone. Like those log shrooms with the crystal balls covering it, that might have been zombie ants……ya. Dead. A tiny hole, that I was watching closely to see who lived in it……..damaged beyond repair. For me, it’s like walking into a warzone after the dude leaves. Don’t laugh!!! It breaks my heart!!! :=)) I nearly left because of it…..felt like a sign. Oh, but speaking of sign……, also in a highrise position……in one of those same shrubs, was a good size chunk of snake skin. Oh Lordie! Yes. So I asked if it was meant for me and got a hefty yes….after all, I am lassoing up some courage to hold some snakes to confront my fear. Soon. Those snakes are in the valley which requires a bus or taxi and pretty much a days time. But ya….I remind myself every day that the snakes could be up above me….tree snakes! So now that I’m looking places other than down… odds of seeing them, go up…..but my God is an Awesome GOD. When it’s time is when I will see, and not one second before.


 Theoretically, I can die now. I have birthed and held 2 living children, and loved them through the decades, I have held 2 hummingbirds(one I killed, one I saved) and now I have held 2 butterflies. Yes. I don’t know how God would top these. I’ve experienced the best that this world has to offer, and now all else will pale. Ahhhh, but I do so love pale as well. In fact, pale pink…….the palest of pale……is my favorite color of all time….but nobody knew this until today. It’s a tiny little rose. Haha….I am a rose. You got a problem with that? Take it up with God. He made me a Rose. But I am not red. I usually don’t bother telling people, hubby included, because the color is so precise, that I highly doubt he or anyone but me, would know it from the thousand other pinks. Parrots! Parrots are flying over! They never fly alone and it’s always a very loud event. Have yet to see it here, but know the sound. I’d love it if they stop and hang out in these trees sometimes. Yesterday I was in the thicket by the cabin and I heard noises above my head….on the banana leaves….so I ran out…………to find a long tailed kinkajou(I think) running off the huge leaf and onto the wires. Minutes later, I surprised a squirrel who was sitting on a tree trunk about to eat a hard earned avocado. We surprised each other cuz he was only like 3 ft away before we saw each other. Hilarious. That’s about it for exotic animal encounters so far in Costa Rica. I get most of my Exotic fix, with the mushrooms and the insects. The birds are really cool too but none beat the hummingbird for me. Over 50 varieties, did ya know? The teeniest are so cool!!! Here at the cabina, we get the hummers, the tanagers so vivid red it drips, and a mid size brown bird. That’s all. But we more than make up for it with the mushrooms!!! Oh, and right here as well, I’d say, oh………..maybe 15-20 butterfly species. There are way more down in the valley. Saw the morpho today! Fast lil bugger.

I went out again. While there, once again, I was thinking about those wings I didn’t get. Another time I found a beautiful pristine white moth. I laid him aside, under a shrub and out of the way till I was done shrooming. When I came back….he was…..well, he was a moth cell here, a moth cell there. The jungle carried him away, like calgon but no return from the drain. Ya, I have a strange humor, wonder if anyone but me gets it. So…..where were we? Oh ya, I was being greedy again. Thinking about that missed chance at butterfly wings. (I have MANY), and another gift arrives!!! A stunning dragonfly. My relationship with God amazes me. He soothes me in so many ways. Like today, twice!!! So that makes me think. Why not on the times where I cry out….Help me God! Why do I not feel Him then? Perhaps the answer lies in the reason for the cry. Perhaps the reason is not real. Perhaps the sadness is created by ME, but not intended by GOD, therefore, it is my duty to see….and remove myself from that dimension. Hmmmm. Ooooooooh. Hmmmmm!!!!! Haha. Is it just me? Anyone else pondering right now??? Ok…late gator. Signing off in Costa Rica.


a FreeForm box…ish

I find myself in an odd shaped space. It’s a new size, weird dimensions. Not a box, but not anything in particular either. Just a floating freeform area for me to be. I can grow it or shrink it…..can twirl like a Dervish or cocoon in a spiral tuck. I hear the words I say to myself, as if from a cobblestone street in Sweden or Norway. They sound foreign, yet familiar. I still talk to myself in English, lol, no….it hasn’t gone that far, but it is still an oddity. Like me. Like my new space. I honestly do doubletakes… my own voice in my head. This astounding place I find myself in….where emotions are heightened to the Nth degree, LOVE is an entity and is giving me downloads(me!!!!! I get downloads!!! Go figure!) Where bravery is nothing more than breathing and my clothes change like new skin. Like a lizard suit, shedded and regrown again and again. Snake. Baby snake. Tiny tiny little snakes are coming into my view now. Kept away so many months, Mother Earth has guarded my heart and my mind, by controlling what I see. I wasn’t ready. To see snake, in this jungle place, would have frightened me so badly, I would have gone home. Run back to Texas with my lizard tail between my legs. Haha….I’m kidding right!!!!? I just have a thing for texture and the lizards and frogs, grasshoppers…….they wear clothing that excites me. My wants are changing with me.

My wants are still many, but have shifted some. Mushrooms, of course, to see as many as I possibly can before I die. National Geographic….you need to hire me. I gotta get the shots. It’s a compulsion. A need. I also want… hold those snakes. I take yesterdays words back. I sowwy. I don’t demand anything. I do ask kindly, please universe, may I experience holding that little boys skinny snakes? May I have that giant leap of growth? I think this is why all of a sudden, these tiny miniature snakes are showing up in my tiny mushroom closeups. It’s time. I want… continue my art and to continue to grow it as well. But the biggest thing that you guys really don’t have a clue about….is the clothing. In my mind…..that’s pretty much all I do these days. I design clothes. Just in my mind. I am searching still for a helper, that sews………it’s not going well. Perhaps I shall find myself a teacher instead because it is so very original……so very one of a kind. Ayahuasca gave me this passion that so far, has only seen the inside of my brain and a few pages of my journal. It’s like a volcano with holes. The lava keeps oozing out the holes……cuz I don’t have the supplies or the know how yet, to erupt!!! If anyone has any great fabric sources…holler at me, will ya? I almost went to see a gal in Guatemala that is creating clothing along the lines of what I intend……didn’t have the guts then…..when my badass self finishes transforming….perhaps then I will go. When I have my jaguar wings and owl talons.

All three of these wants require a trip to Texas. To get fabric, to get my Nikon camera for the mushrooms, and to get paintings to sell at a booth at the local markets and to place in Costa Rican galleries. We can’t just order from Amazon…or any internet place for that matter. No, it must be shipped somewhere else and repackaged…then sent here. This is an issue for a lot of us Gringos. I hear though, that there is a way. And because there is a way……oh man…..what I would really really love to do, is to ship my drum here. I would probably take it to Sound of Light, Florestral. It is a special drum that is needed now. It needs to be played and it needs to be played in ceremony. Ceremony. It has been missing from my life. I’m learning how to incorporate it into my life….all of my life. That’s not an easy thing for me, it’s so new. I have only a thing or two so far. The candles. Life has become so intense and so loved by me that I must light candles now. Prayers. All through the night, I try to keep at least one candle lit. Each night I probably have 5 or more going and each one is loaded with prayers. Some for people, some for world events or just known needs. For example……may all the people lost in the woods or the desert….find water, and if there is no water, may some bubble forth. Or, may all the orphaned children feel love. Stuff like that. Some are for people, like actual peoples names. Just big huge prayer energies…..held in the flames…..dispersed into the world.

Speaking of flames…….i want to dance. Ecstatic dance. I’m feeling that call. TO move the body. To dislodge the mind from its resting place and send it on a journey. The journey in my mind is colors thrown wildly with exuberance………….or………….it’s a waterfall of greys, pouring down the cliff, the rush of pressure tumbling me about. Unless I’m sleepy, it’s usually one of those two….extremes. Ya. Right now, I’m sleepy, so my mind is a spiderweb, going from dot to dot to dot, touching each of the lines and connections, slowly running my finger along, to gauge the feel, the texture. I have to wait 3 months for the dance. Gosh. No. I don’t wanna wait that long. I still am looking for signs of when to run to Texas…..and I do mean run. The idea of staying gone more than a month is just heavy goo. Yuk. I cannot tell you enough how much I love this country. Everything. The people. The morals of the people. The personalities of the people……and it just grows more awesome from there!!! The adorable little markets with the adorable little people with their adorable little fruits and veggies……..the tiny little stores employing way too many people, but it gives them a job…..the flora, the fauna, the weather, the feel. The vibe. The feel in my heart. I giggle more here in 7 months than probably my whole life put together. Yesterday I even fulfilled a vision and did a little running dance along the way. Sorta like skipping.  Lol. Today was a banner mushroom day. One of my favorites, that I carried a dead version around to spread the spores…..popped up today in several places! Yay! And, I went into the forest floor again…..alone! At one point I was gonna wait for Summer to go in with me later…it was dark and creepy in there….shoot, I no longer need anyone to be brave with me, I said to myself as I hiked up my skirt and dove into the thicket….where the ants proceeded to bite my hoochie!!!! Ya…..pants are useful. Loving you as I sign off in CostaRica.


…otherwise known as healing

First of all, my apologies for yesterdays blog. It was me, being who I was guessing you wanted me to be. Trying to include you in the conversation in a bigger way than usual. Trying to make a blog someone wanted to read. I’m sorry. You are a someone. And you read it. Thankyou. Although, considering, maybe I wish you hadn’t. LOL. I’ve come up with an analogy for you that may give you a peek into what it feels like to feel like nobody wants to partake of your gift. I am a writer. God brought me into this world with that. He’s added others since, but a writer….yup. I AM. My audience is shifting……as I am shifting. Second…….I told you yesterday a tiny blippet about water drips. What? Half ass, jeeze. Here’s the dealio. All my life, if someone has water on their hands, I freak. Or if they touch me with water on their hands. Or if they touch something with water on their hands…..ya. Rather a big interference in life. Sometimes it sent me screaming …….away…..just anywhere but where those wet hands were. This has caused a lot of conflict. Most people don’t remember that it bothers me. In fact……………….Nobody remembers. Wow. What a realization. This hurts. I’ve just this second……..real eyes’d. Nobody…..ever. Nobody ever cared enough to remember that about me. A very painful realization. And it goes with the one from yesterday. Also painful. I’m wondering….can one be UNENLIGHTENED?

Yesterday I made a startling connection. When I went to speak to my quiet introspective daughter and she rolled her eyes, and did the heavy sigh and the uncomfortable shift of the body to look away…again…..suddenly……..a flash of insight. A flash of my ADHD son……hands flailing wildly as he looks left and right, his hands may even be doing a roll motion to speed things up, while he starts heavy breathing from having to wait, wait for the words to be formed and said. Next flash, my husband, who only responds to a question. He has no opinion about my art, he has NEVER read my blog and the word conversation, hmmmmmm NOT. Keep on moving, to my mother……..who has come right out and said. “your blog is too long, I don’t have time to read it”. If you’d like to take it further, I have 3 sisters. They don’t read my words either or call me to hear spoken ones. I met 25 new “sisters” last weekend. Only one has read (acknowledged she read) my blog……and I posted it all big and bold….twice. Not even the one about the SISTER gathering! In 3 years, the most blog readers I ever had was about 50 a day…..and that has dropped to about 10-20. Is anyone sensing a theme? I have come to earth……to experience…..not being heard.To experience, having no voice. Oh…a voice yes…..but no voice. Woulda been kinder to make me a mute, but I guess this was the plan. So now….like the other things I am now AWARE of…….I can now chunk it down to the pile labeled: STUFF I’M NO LONGER TRAUMATIZED BY……This shifting, enlightenment stuff is for the birds. I think I’m done. Let the owls do it. Ok….so, I’m not liking the new awarenesses. It was kinder when I just knew it happened a lot…….without connecting the dots. Screw the dots!!! Crap!!! What do I do with this knowledge? Become a bitter cave dweller. (she said that) She has a sense of humor. SHE is the me I am becoming. I’ve died a gazillion times. How many times must I crawl? Ya right. This one isn’t about to crawl. I can tell you that. She’s a tough spooky one. ME….you do realize I’m talking about me? I’m a weird little butterfly who has a quadruple gazillion life stages that she dies from and is reborn. UGH. I just want to scream! But I won’t. Oh no. My swallowing skills are in high demand….and you can’t scream and swallow at the same time. Bobby, are you laughing? This almost feels like these awarenesses were made, so that that other me will rise.

 Ok….back to the water drips. While my daughter was gone and I was going through a hell that isn’t spoken, I chose to fight one of my fears. I CHOSE to tackle that water drip. I was all alone. Just me and the water faucet. We both survived. 54 years. 54 years of terror. Oh….why, I guess you’re wondering. Well, best I got is….I went to Primal Therapy….where you are taken down in subconscious levels and you confront your past….and you do the PRIMAL SCREAM. Yes. I surely did do it. Completely shocked the shit outta me cuz at that time, I was too shy to scream. This therapy, 6 hours a day for 3 weeks……revealed that my birth father raped me, then used a very dripping wet wash cloth to clean my blood…..dripping on me as he cleaned. Nuff said. True? Dunno, it’s not a memory I remember, just a picture I saw from the ceiling in my mind during therapy and yes, I’m aware that the floating means it’s probably true. SO………………..YES!!! I just FACED a fear head on and stepped across that threshold. And NOW……I demand another. It is so necessary that I used that word demand. It just is so very important that I face this fear. It feels ultra important. Are you ready for this………..snakes!!!! I have a date……….to wrap a snake up each of my arms. And live to tell you about it. I’m tired of the fear. Exhausted by the fear, it weighs a ton. But know this folks……….this change, is certainly not cuz I’m tired. NO, I’m way way too fearful and lazy for that. No….this is part of my destiny. Things are speeding up so quickly that my head spins like the owls I love so dearly. I wish my wings were here and not in Texas. I would love to swoop them along my aura right now. I feel dirty by my enlightenments. (All that word really means is….shining so much light and learning on something that one can’t HELP but finally GET IT….haha, OR, it means…coming to understand) But here’s fair warning. It seems, that there is a tipping point. Where the enlightenments are so many and so swift, that the steamroller effect comes into play. I think it just caught my skirt and rolled me over.

I tried to quit the blog today. Life said no again. I guess it wants me to speak… matter how many listen. Haha….im a talker. OH….I forgot that analogy I promised, about the blog. It was the memory of highschool, gym class. Game time….the Captains have been picked and now…..they choose who they want on their team. Gee…….let’s guess where in the scheme of things I got picked???? Yup………….last. But high school is over. I guess I’m growing up now….or down. They do say, in order to get to heaven, you become as a little child. Well….just ask the mushrooms, they will vouch for me. I talk to each one I see. Well, me and my childlike self and my warriorcrone self are gonna say signing off now, in CostaRica. Be safe. And remember…..if it’s dark….I’ll hold a light for ya.


Lightworkers…..Beacons of LIGHT

If I am a beacon of light in a world of many dark shades, then why is my light so small? I guess I take responsibility….it is my life, my light, after all. In my meekness, I always relied on others to help me….to spread me around like peanut butter, or to at least drop me as breadcrumbs along the way. But that isn’t what happened. It is a very rare day or a very very rare blog, that is shared. I didn’t want to ask. It has always bothered me to ask for anything. In fact, it is so rare, that Spirit used that as a lesson for me while at the Sacred Feminine gathering. We were told to choose crystals out of a box, the ones that spoke to us, so to speak. Then…we were to ask the crystals why we needed them and what was the message we needed to hear? One of my crystals said it recognized the pain in my body. In my neck and shoulders. It wanted me to ask one of the ladies if she would massage me. Oh Lordie!!! Not easy at all for me…..but I DID IT!!! And top that off…..I asked the most powerful mammerjammer healer looking lady who was there!!! Yes, I did. She was most gracious and indeed gave my neck some love!!! And you can too! Just ask! What are the choices? Yes or no. You got 50% odds!!! What I’m getting at is this. I’ve been blogging for 3 years now. I’ve said a lot and helped a lot. You’ve told me so. So here is what I ask. Share me. Share my blog, oh, say, once a month….maybe somewhere where you think people might enjoy it. That’s all. Seriously. If I thought the blog sucked and I was not a really good writer….I’d just say sayonara baby!!!! People tell me all the time that I’m one of the rare blogs they read, cuz they love it. Wow….Thankyou!!! I think I lost all my goat friends when I sold the goats…..therefore half my readers. I need help building readership back up please……or I will feel too icky inside to continue. It’s simple. If you like it and it helps you…..share it. It’s not begging. It’s asking friends for help. Try it. So far it’s only halfway heavy in my gut. I’m givin it a go.

I touched on this a bit the other day, now let me caress it. Do any of you ever feel like there’s someone inside you….waiting to get out? A stronger, bolder you? A childhood feeling perhaps? Or possibly something causing an itch inside you now? I’ve known my whole life. I really truly knew that what was showing….walking around….was not me. There is a small bump on the back of the top of my head. I used to think that underneath it, was my zipper. If I could just find the zipper pull!!!! The interesting part is……I didn’t know what was inside. I KNEW…….the real me was inside…..but what I didn’t KNOW….was if it was a monster or a good thing. I’d say I was about 9 or 10 when I was playing around with this idea. I watched those women rise from their seated positions and start to dance wildly………in any way the body wanted to move. I was on the edge of my rump…….wiggling my toes in hopeful anticipation of my springing up and finding wild abandon. I felt the hint of a hint……of the me inside. The next morning, I knew that if only I had one more chance. I did. IT was only the splittest of seconds, but it was long enough. I saw it. I felt it. Deep within me, I felt it. Another time, another place, another me. Strong. Shaman or Priestess or Medicine Woman….not sure which. Doesn’t matter. What matters is that I felt her. If I felt her, I’ve been her. If I’ve been her…..I can be her again. I can step up to what is needed of me. So can you. I understand that people are being drawn to other parts of the world. Or are losing their jobs and finding work in another area. We are being positioned. Like a chess board. Where the light is needed. For some……..the light may be needed in a very dark area. Yikes, but hey….it’s dark and they need a light! Will you go? Will I? I already did. But what if this isn’t my final place? Will I go then? YOU BETcha. I saw a post on FB………the moment you found out earth needed your uniqueness…..and it shows a soul diving down to planet earth. Haha….ya. Lightworkers.

I would love to take a moment and recognize lightworkers. Right now, it looks like it’s the Nurses turn…….and rightfully so…..but there’s room on this planet for more than one recognition. Light Workers. What on earth IS a lightworker? It is a human who knows they came to planet earth to help, to assist, to achieve a heavenly goal. Most lightworkers do not get paid. It is a selfless duty. Some however, have found a way to rake it in. Money, I mean. I don’t think I could take money for a spiritual gift. A human talent gift, yes, sure……….but for me, to charge money to send healing or help……..hmmmm. No. My opinion, do what you will. It surely wasn’t like that in my childhood vision. Trade. All trade. Like reiki… is my feeling that it should NOT be done for $$$. Same with the cost of the certification to do reiki. Ridiculous. The silly argument that if you don’t pay enough for it….it’s not worth anything to you??? Like I said….ridiculous. Things can be worth the world to you……and they didn’t cost a penny. This is the general excuse for the high cost of reiki. Wool over my eyes????? HA… I spin wool. Controversial, yup. Just chatted with Rhonda, told her I needed to pay her something but it needed to be in trade. She said the universe pays her. Love that lady. Can’t believe none of my readers have realeyes’d that she could help them too. This lady has much to offer. She took on a ton of karma, and we don’t know how much longer she’ll be with us. In fact, it is a standing joke….you’re not in the hospital are you? She just informed me she fell and broke her wrist and leg……and….AND…….had to go to hospital to have kidney stones removed. Since last week folks. Ya. Soul work. That’s what Rhonda does.

Art…..does a body good. Got a pile of fluff on my bed and a rainbow in my heart. Fixin to combine the two. I did a visualization meditation today where I went to my garden. I did some spiritual work and let the two meet……the me…..and the me I’m becoming. We knew each other. That was unexpected. I thought these were my visualizations.  Haha. Thought I was doing the script writing within them. Very very interesting. While in the garden, it was interesting as well, that as I went to leave…..approaching the exit, the animals(my guides) asked me not to go just yet. They wanted to play!!! So, we flew!  Then, later, I was about to go again and no…..wait……you need to sit with us. WOWZA!!! Okie dok! So I sat with them and many laid in my lap and we ended up doing art… So, it’s a playin kinda day. In fact, while mushrooming in the thunder, I came back to ask Summer if she wanted to go swimming. She said how could she resist a request like that? Something so foreign to me. And tonight, I showed her something Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! While she was gone…..I did something. I healed something within me. Its been a secret. Water drips. Hands. Hands dripping water. Haha…..drip on me baby!!!!! I can do it now!!! No freak outs. I just ran my hands under the faucet, then on my face, my head, on her………she gave me a huge hug!!! Signing off in Costa Rica. LOVELOVE


baby steps……

Last night, as I was settling in to sleep, after the Womens Gathering, I was spreading my blanket back out on the bed. I had taken it with me. As I prepared to lay it down, I decided to see if the art was the same on the back. It had been a lion laying down, for all these months. I squealed as I could see that in fact, it was not the same on the back and I quickly flapped it in the air and as it floated down…..I could see that it was a POWERFUL LION. A much different look than the flip side. I woke up……the same. On the flip side. Powerful. I woke up as the baby of the Woman I shall be. Every moment I shall grow into her more and more and we shall remember and be. I was standing in front of the window drinking my morning tea, thinking about the hummingbird gift. Realeyesing that it was indeed a gift, a catalyst to show me….prove to me…..that I was who I thought I was. Sounds silly, but hey…..that hummingbird let me ….allowed me. Allowed my energy to come into his and save him. As that act shattered the mask I’d worn my whole life, I remembered the zipper I used to know I had…..unzip and peel the skin away and you get ME. A powerful being…..playing a game, in a human suit. So….as I’m thinking this…..a hummingbird….the exact same kind……came to my window. He wore the blues and had the curved beak, with the beautiful fan tail. He arrived………with my thought. He was an acknowledgement, that I was correct. I have woken. I may not have memories just yet….but I certainly saw it for a split second while dancing ecstatically like a Priestess from old. Then my ego jumped in and it was gone. But I saw it. OOOooooh, I saw it. Felt it.

The last night of the gathering, I heard an owl. I have only heard one owl in Costa Rica since I arrived 6 months ago. Owl is my main totem. This was a different owl. A different sound. I wanted to know what he looked like so I tried once again…to see with my 3rd eye. He posed for me. He posed in the form of a photo I would find the next day. This is what he showed me. So….my first…conscious……3rd eye SEE!!!!! Another thing. I was also able to root myself in a proper manner. I’ve been sending roots from my root chakra down into the earth and forming a tree for years and years. Yesterday, I finally rooted spiritually. It was a Grandmother Tree. Full of bumps and nobs. Like an ancient willow. I was once MamaWillow. Of course I was. Are we noticing a theme here? I surely am. Just a week ago….I was at a bitter brink. The greatest changes….come when we reach bottom. I was at a different kind of bottom than the alcoholics, but it was still a bottom. A serious low that I knew not, how to get up from. That I/She has slipped away. Goodbye sweet Sheri. I love you and Thank you for coming!!! It has been an honor. Your loyalty and love for all things…..was truly valiant. Aho.

I told the ladies at the Gathering that I was changing so fast I was meeting myself four and five times a day….sayin howdedo….then whamo….a new awareness and I am new again! While that is absolutely true and accurate…..there is a difference in the degree of change. The degree of New. How new? A crawling baby? Just born? Still in the womb? Or perhaps even, just conceived!!! Sure, they accumulate, but sometimes….it’s just BIGGER. This change is bigger. I have to keep hold of it though. Keep the blood surging through me. Keep it. This is my challenge….to hold onto and keep birthing forward….like the seeds I see here in the jungle. Bursting forth.

Oh! They laughed. Again! People laughed when I spoke after the ayahuasca too. Interesting that somehow I become humorous. I don’t recall being funny before in my life. I can’t wait to see what other new traits God has in store for me. Like little gifts. Today, when I woke up feeling all ancient and strong…..all woman…hear me roar….I was outside before a half hour had gone by. I’d been gone for several days and I needed to see the mushrooms! Oh my goodness……it was Christmas here in the yard! My spirit recognized it as a reward for hard work well done. The old stumps the gardener had weedwhacked….were suddenly shady….and revealing mushroom newness!!! Everyone was regrowing it seems!!! The burgundy ones who had been so ruthlessly chopped down in their old age….springing forth as babes in the woods. It was as if the butterflies and bugs were showing me ones I might miss. Just everywhere I ever look….mushrooms! I giggled. And when I wasn’t giggling, I was saying….I’m so tired. For nearly 3 hours I said, I’m so tired. I couldn’t stop. Too exciting…watching nature….life at its finest. Finally I rested. Like now. Night night!!! I shall wake up strong, vibrant, capable and secure. 12:16am=1=beginnings. Ya. Ps. She’s HOME!!! And yes, I now call this place home….as well as the Texas one. What did ya think of that gorgeous spider yesterday???? Night. Lovelove.

I wonder if it’s time to reconsider this blog? I began with half angora goat life and half my spiritual journey. Now, I’ve sold the goats and it has changed to… and healing and exotic plant medicines after being told I was dying…..which by nature, includes living in COSTA RICA and what that’s like….and of course….my spiritual journey. See, I want to help others where I can. If you can gain by what I’ve already gone through…great! You’re welcome! So, I guess I either need to retire my blog writing skills….or, figure out how and where to share it, to get exposure. Promoting myself was always a struggle….I need to fix that. Any ideas? I woke up today also feeling strong. I’ve decided that I really like ceremony and want to incorporate it into my daily life as much as possible. The candle lighting is no longer a night only thing and I will incorporate ceremony as I go. I’m still having flashbacks of the moment while dancing where I felt myself in another time and place. So friggin awesome. Today I’m having some strange and irritating ear vibrations and quivers. I just tried reiki, and while it did not help the ear….I don’t think it’s meant to……I felt the energy in a huge way today….rather like electricity! My hands were electric. Goodness. September is halfway over. The whispers, fears, the Pope saying Angelic beings(extraterrestrial) that wont interfere if conquering aliens arrive……….told him we got shit comin in the next couple weeks. Great. Trying to make decisions…..ha. Not possible. Perhaps on Oct 1, I may make a decision or two. If it hasn’t happened by the 29th……we be safe, eh? Lol. Oh…..and I don’t think my UFO photos are real. Saw another sun photo today….it also has the white ball….but it was in the trees. Highly doubt the UFO was in the trees. It was fun to think about for a bit. I didn’t share the photos here. Maybe I’ll show you one. Ok….signing off in Costa Rica baby!!! PS…………………..if you haven’t read yesterdays blog about the Sacred Feminine Gathering I was just at……GO! Read!!!  Love love. PSSS….frog came again.