spoiled gringo girl….!

I didn’t realeyes how spoiled I was. I had AM, but need to shift it. Don’t wanna be a spoiled gringo. Haha….I am reacting to the un-airconditioned hotel we are in for tonight and maybe tomorrow. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that the retreat has none either. I cannot let discomfort rule me. During the trip….I was reading. Spiritual reading. It was unexpectedly explained to me that the reason we are here….on planet earth, is to experience being US. Kinda knew that…but not the twist I just got. Experience US, without wanting to change us. Just learn to be Sheri, with all her quirks and misgivings, fears, jealousies and just plain ole lack of drive. Not try to better myself???? I thought that was a very strange thing…..but what they’re saying is that if I can live that way……learning and liking Sheri in all her idiosyncrasies. All her/my Imperfections. Well, then change would naturally occur and I would indeed be bettering myself!!! Well…….I need to work on this spoiledness. Blonde. I feel like a blonde. Haha. You wouldn’t know it….but I am a blonde. Was my entire life until old age took the light right out of my hair and turned it brown. Musta been the heart shift, eh? My heart was turning to the light…..haha….ya I’m goooofy.

It was quite a trip…all of it. Apparently 2 hippytype women, with all their multitudes of luggage, and layers of clothing……well, let’s just say I was a prime suspect. Both times…..they ran stuff over my hands looking for residues. Haha….what, I look like I cook meth or something? Had plenty of ganja particles on me though…..but I cleared both times. We should’ve taken photos. I had a very large purple case, a medium purple case full of fiber and herbs, a small carry on purple case, a basket which had my purse inside and a small foam and small amount of fiber, lol, ya right, stuffed large ziplock is more honest. Then………a twin blanket, my pillow, with 12×20 or so piece of felting foam, a shawl and a cape. I was wearing a complete set of longjohns too. Let’s just say I not only looked quite ridiculous, but movements were not easy and I got way overheated many times. The Orlando stop was 12 hours long…wow. Yuk. Our choice of spots to Live In for the night….while somewhat secluded, was bright light. And the dang message to not bring liquids, gels or aerosols into the airport….on repeat play….every 15 minutes, loud. Let’s just say I didn’t sleep. No pot, no sleepytea. I did get a half hour or hour today on the flight here though. Summer kinda scared me at the last minute with all her sketchy warnings of discomfort during immigration…..but it was no biggie. Then we were met by the shuttle driver for the 3 hour plus drive, due to landslide reroute traffic. 





Ok. So. We are here. In the hot hotel. Got wifi…..but don’t know how much I’ll have it once we get to Awakening Soul. Thinkin they have it…..but there are rules. Ha. Lady here at the hotel desk said she once had a lady show up with plans to spend 4 months there….and called after 2 days wanting out. Too scheduly. Crap. Someone shoulda told me that. I don’t do schedules. I also am an artist, who stays up late and wakes up late and wish to remain SO! Oh Lordie……what have I gotten myself into??? I shall endeavor to be brave and open. Expansive even. Running on no sleep for 32 and more hours cuz I didn’t sleep well before I left. Praying and ya…..come on Sheri…..we got this!

How much have I told you about my reticence? If I’m stuck with the depressed mind, I’d rather not extend this life then. Also, do I really want to stay…..if I gotta have a bad experience? Ya, food…..or meds. Like for example……Summer squirted this new oil she was told to get a lot of for us to bring for us to take……..flax. A whole bunch and it tasted awful. Really? See, I’m not a happy player most of the time, earth player that is…….and food has a role with me. Food that I cannot stand the taste of though………that’s my meals now? Nah. I’ve told you guys. My life has been hard enough…it doesn’t need to be super extended long, like a battery. I dunno. These are my thoughts today. They may change next week….or they may not. There is an ALSO. ALSO….my daughter likes to do things her way and I wanna know when we swap? Like right now…..it’s 4:30 and it gets dark around 6. I wanna go now….to walk and find food. She has been stalling and stalling and now wants 20 more minutes. This type thing. Why does it matter? Dark. Strange country. Strange city. 2 women. Hmmmmm…..does that tell on me? Doesn’t even occur to her to be back before dark. She must not have had my past. I know I know……God is my companion traveler this time…..should be able to take care of things….but. BUT. 

 Ok……it was fine. Haha. I freak so easily. Scared of my own shadow practically……possibly brought on by a mean punching ex husband, but nonetheless, I gots fears. Ok….escalated by, not brought on. Can’t blame it all on him….had plenty of unrealistic fears before I met him. So……….we went walking. Then Summer asked a man where we might find frijoles and rice. Lol. Right across the street, the lil lady cooked what we wanted with what she had. I had beans and rice, scrambled eggs and salad. FOOD!!!! Yay! A young man sat down and ended up being our translator and teacher. The shuttle driver did some teachin too. But young dude….said he could help with anything we might need….so of course I said…mota? Lol….yes….he can help me find mota and would have taken us to his friends to smoke right then if I wasn’t a chicken about it being dark in a minute. Ha. So. Should be able to find some rather easily from what I googled. I’ve always found some when I go places. Jamaica, Puerto Rico and now….Costa! So silly. Scared of the dark in a new city….but not scared to ask for illegal mota! Go figure. Oh ya. NEED! Speaking of need……….whoa…lots of pain on the plane and airport and again here. Barometric pressure. MOTA! Hopefully tomorrow. Sleep may or may not come tonight. We shall see. This is all a highwire act for me. I’m keepin my balance so far! Later chickies! And Cameron! Signing off at Rudy’s Hotel, San Isidro, Costa Rica.

me and GOD…

I remember sitting at that empty gas station, broken down as all get out. (that’s a Texas phrase) I was away from home, I was on the side of the freeway, there were no food places. I had no control. It was the most trapped I’ve felt in a long time. I used to feel trapped a lot. In fact, I don’t sleep well with another because if a leg goes over mine….I get trapped. These days I’d probably make a big ta do over it and get that leg the heck off of me. Haha…now that I think on it…..that’s what I did back when. Made a ruckus. WoW……I seem to be all Texan today as I type. Haha….tryin to label myself as I shift right on outta here and into Spanish speaking Costa Rica, I guess! Ya, and that was only 7 hours from home. In the United States. But I think………I really think I might be able to make it now. I think I’ve solved the fear aspect of this trip that was haunting me. Last night as I lay me down to sleep, I thought about my husband not going. I was talking to GOD. Then I asked if HE would go with me instead. Then I decided and asked if HE would be my escort, HE go with me to Costa Rica. Yes, God. Not as my copilot, but as my companion. I’ll share my seat with HIM on the plane!

Here’s how things go here. Summer gifted me with a few skirts and tops she no longer wanted and she knew I’d like, but one, a pinkish skirt I decided not to take. A bit later, I’m going through drawers and pull out a golden top I haven’t seen in awhile. Summer says oooh, take it, in fact, put it on. She wanted me out of my tshirt and khacki flannel pants. I did put it on. Next thing I know, she’s asking me to put on that pink skirt. Oh…it matches the gold top! We are talking about white items, lack of……and I show her a new sweater from Christmas. On it goes. Then the gold sweater she recently gifted me that I used to envy. And wala…….my travel outfit was born….not yet complete however, until as well goes……..well, it’ll be really cold still here so long johns and flannel pants, an alpaca throw and a purple cape. The cape will double as a 2nd blanket. Yes, lots of layers. Haha….I’ll be wearing half my wardrobe! HEHEHE….jk….but a lot!

My hubby left in the wee hours of the morning on an adventure of his own. CHINA! I hate that once again though, he has almost no time to see the place he will be traveling so long, so far…to be in. He’ll have a few hours one afternoon…that’s it. Crappy. He could’ve stayed I guess but since I wasn’t going, nah. The puppy is being boarded and is being FIXED at the same time. At the last minute, I let Blue stay here. Carried that goat and the baggie of diarrhea to the vet. Barberpole. Criminy! By their standards, I should cull her. AKA kill her. I’ve tried so many wormers on her and she’s still got worms. SO…….we tried one more last time. And, Jesse will continue with redcell and probiotics. She may make it, I dunno. If she’s immune to all the wormers, I don’t know what can be done for her but we’ll keep trying. She’s still walking. She’s still eating and sweet as sugar. She’s one of Wywy’s and I’ve lost so many. When hubby was helping me count out the dosage of what they wanted me to give…ya, Cydectin. I told them the story. Finally I said ok fine. Whats the correct dose? So they told me 1 cc for every 5 lbs. So, hubby was counting and said 8. 8 cc’s whereas my vets instructions had been 3cc. As we all know….do NOT underdose a goat. I need to let them know what they’ve done to me….to my herd, and to all my dead animals since that prescription 2 years ago = 5cc big goat, 3cc small goat. (she would be Small goat, at 3….but correct dose is 8….well, lol, not, according to this vet anyways!!! Who knows what other dosages are given. So many precious babies gone due to Dr error. But….she’s alive right now. I petted her today and she discovered it didn’t hurt! That’s always a good thing.

So…..I’ve given control over. To my other companion. I’m not really having plans while there….just things I want to do…like the Medicines from the Edge….I really wanna go….and the aya…well, if I don’t do that, I don’t know if I’ll forgive myself so hopefully it is indeed meant to be…….to help me….and it shall. The reset button. I like that. Always felt like something wasn’t quite right about my arrival on planet….so perhaps a reset button is all that’s needed! Ok….gonna watch The Good Witch. Wish it was still a movie…but oh well. And they swapped girls, but I like this one too so ok. Alright. Nerves……in high gear. Check. Faith…….in high gear. Check. Brain switch to FUN MODE…..switched ON! fear……….in the backseat with the seatbelt on. Later gators. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch…..for tonight and tomorrow night….then…….!!!!!! PS…..trip donations always welcome. Paypal…. sherilee@wildblue.net https://www.paypal.com/webapps/mpp/paypal-payments-standard

oh crap…storm in the brain!!!

I’m realizing too much. I’m realizing that I begged God for a brother….for a magical brother who would appear, but magically he was older than me, so he could protect me. It had become obvious to me that nobody else was protecting me. My sisters weren’t and my parents weren’t. I don’t know what they didn’t protect me from…..but it obviously was big. I’m realizing that I’ve learned in life that the ONLY human I can count on…..and completely trust….is ME. All others have let me down. Problem is…..so has ME. Reality for me……there is nobody. There is nothing. Nothing can be done. Doomed. Doomed.

This plan has been too long in the works. Too long for me to think on it. Too long to fret on it. As the miles click by and my daughter gets closer with each minute….panic sets in deeper, harder, thicker. Pure fear. Pure racing thoughts. I feel ill. If I don’t go….I will not be able to forgive it. I will just wither. If I do go….I don’t trust myself to not do something stupid, like run off into the jungle in a fit of depression. I can’t go and I can’t not go. I don’t trust my daughter to understand my needs. She certainly didn’t in Virginia last summer, and this is ANOTHER COUNTRY! That fact terrifies me. I’ll be in another country!

Some think I need a relationship with God, that perhaps I’ve stepped too far away from HIM. Kinda hard to step away from someone who is inside you. I already have a relationship with my Creator and it is beyond me how it could be deeper. I simply am not hearing HIM speak on this matter of Costa Rica. He usually lets me know what to do and I don’t feel that He has. Oh wait. That priest said God was feminine. She. Hmmm, but I asked by what name did He want to be called, by me…..and He answered….Father. So, to me, that implies a male energy. Anyway, Father is, by lack of speaking on the matter…..either……telling me it’s a mistake, don’t go…………..or…………He wants me to decide, since it is my evolution, my enlightenment, my life and my death. I only really have experience with the former, so what makes me think it’s the latter is beyond me….hope I suppose. I am a jumble of contradictions. So scared. So noble. So courageous(the one who will arise within while there). So ignorant. So stuck. Stuck with me and no amount of ayahuasca will change that. And…..if there is this much fear now….how smart is doing it in the first place?????? What would the fear level be like at the time and how stupid would I be to do it? Or to not do it?

Stuff goin on with the goats. I shoulda just taken them all. Peaches is losing her coat, from fever. I could strip her entire back end if I wanted, painlessly, it would come off in my hands….but then she would be naked, in February. I panicked and called Lisa. Nah, she had been doing well, it must be from the previous illness. Then there’s Rosie. Too sick to go, so I kept her and her mom. Yesterday I tried Prohibit. My last resort. Today I couldn’t even get a fecal, she is straight diarrhea. Tail is tucked and looks like she’s been starved to death…like all the babies who have died. All the food she needs, yet is skin and bones. Mineral blocks. Actually, they are the only real thing different here. Thor……well, he’s still the fastest crab with hooves I’ve ever seen, but he too is losing his coat….and what coat he has is coarse. He is a friggin baby! They have been treated for cocci. And barberpole. And other worms. I’m out of ideas…..and no…I will not go back to Texas A&M. I did collect that bit of diarrhea and will get more tomorrow and will take fecals of her and Peaches to the new vet I found. Although…she told me today on the phone about the worm recommendations for texas. Worm only the sick, and keep track of who is sick. After a time……cull the ones who got sick repeatedly, cuz they are the part of the herd with worms. Something like 90% of worms are in 10% of herd. So you just keep culling them out. GOD……………………I need out of the animal world, this is insane. But this has been going on for so long. Oh….and I do take a part of the responsibility for the loss of so many. Ya, the vets screwed up royally, and that cascaded over the past 2 years….but my part, well, I should have started trying to figure it out before I did. Maybe if I’d carried Flutterbug in, but in reality….here we are so many months later and do we have an exact diagnosis? No. Thor is alive, and Peaches. They were both treated for cocci. But so was Rosie. And Moonbaby, but Moonbaby was compromised by Texas A&M’s asinine 3 liters of cow rumen. You will never convince me otherwise. But no….because I don’t fit the mold of the friggin world, I won’t do a thing about it. They’ll just taint me, cuz I am tainted, I am different….not realizing that taint….is just as needed as clean. I probably shouldn’t be blogging. I probably shouldn’t post this. I probably shouldn’t go. I probably shouldn’t stay. I probably should shut up. Shutting up at YeeHaw Ranch.

Okay so last night was scary. All I could think of was that oh dear Lord this is the brain I’m taking into the Ayahuasca experience with me? this brain?  this brain is freaking out right now!!! this brain is terrified of every friggin thing that could possibly happen on this trip and this is the brain I’m taking into Ayahuasca with me? Aye yai yai yai yai!!!! But my little feathers arrived late last night and that was enough to shift the brain away from the chaos freak out stance it was in and I guess now were getting ready to go to coaster Rica yeah baby. I’m headed back home now after going to Austin to try and fix my phone. Turns out the only thing that needed fixed was my brain. I didn’t know how to work the darn thing!!!  I was able to solve the suitcase issue though. I found an off piece on sale at Sears and put it on hubby’s Sears card yay. The hardest part I believe will be packing the fiber! How’m I going to figure out which fiber to take? I mean seriously!!! I haven’t painted the pictures yet so I don’t know what colors I need and I don’t know what fiber type I need. Oh yeah I got my sign!!!! Last night I was very specific…I said I need the words coaster Rica to show up on Facebook tomorrow. This morning I woke up, went to Facebook and sure enough there was the word coaster Rica. Oh God and it does not make me feel good that the voice recognition system keeps saying coaster Rica instead of costa Rica. Coaster like a roller coaster ride….oh hell no I just want a nice soothing healing vacation!  Ok well, we be getting ready. Monday AWAY!!!! Haha….signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.

getting excited……still scared though

The brain is such a funny thing. I just caught mine saying……are you a failure? Haha! I answered it that no, I was not a failure because I always try things even when I’m scared. But seriously, why would the brain want to ask that of me? What does it care? Does it want me to be a failure? Is there a built in thing inside me that drives me to not exist that is at war with the thing I KNOW exists which is the desire to exist. Hahahaaa. Hmmm. Lets try that again. We all have the instinct to live. Perhaps us broken ones, perhaps we have a bad wire and we get both, will to live and will to die and they cross and shoot out electric currents all the time. Like a broken wire sparking. Interesting question really. Kinda just sprung itself in the moment but it does seem to have merit, eh? On the other hand…..all things still appear as if Meant to be. I was listening to one of those spiritual talks and the guy was talking about the brain as if it was a foreign entity with an agenda of its own. Probably Echart Tolle. Night night. 12:35am = 11 = Master number.

First day at the gallery in awhile. 4 new paintings were put on display. Only 2 or so people came in the doors, but the few who did, liked. I’ve come to a space within myself that it’s easier to accept the reaction to my art. I somehow……don’t take it personally. Or most of the time anyway. They like it. Everyone likes it. Well, actually not everyone. That is made readily apparent with the people who walk down the hall, glance at the art on the easel and in the door as they stride by and then stride by on their way back out of the building, without a 2nd glance. In a way, I like them better than the ones who love it. Oh my how they love it. 6 months. 6 months of no sales. Teeny tiny sales, but not really paintings. 6 months. That means it’s time for a sale. Hehe…..whoop! Funny…..I can feel the depression……gone for about 2 weeks now…..but it’s hovering. Like a bee. It’s just hovering. And it’s hovering reeeal close like tonight. Like a lover who’s been away. (Friday)

Sunday Night, midnight…..Summer is on the way! She has just encountered snow and is trying to decide whether to keep driving or pull over. Oi ve. It’s getting close. Next Tuesday!!! Hubby neglected to tell me that the suitcases were out of stock so damn good thing I asked. New set on the way and had to pay extra to get it here in time cuz he didn’t tell me. Men. They didn’t have jungle green, like I really wanted, to blend in. Nope….once again, purple. I put on my ballerina slippers to see if I could use them as sandals and nah. No way I could walk any distance in them. Oh God. What is in my future? How scary is this? How awesome is this? So many things about my world will change when I enter another country. I’m terrified, yet I’m anxious and excited. The time is now speeding by at lightning pace. Will I chicken out? Will I go? Which parts will I do? How long will I stay? I am stepping into absolute newness and no control. For a person like me……..oh man. I know, all control is illusion, but I really like that illusion.

I’m going to go into this trip, I hesitate to say adventure cuz those are usually best named after the fact……but I’m going in with flow. To the best of my ability, I intend to flow. Flow with the medicines, flow with the stalls and waits, flow with discomforts. Flow with the joys and not get too high and then drop too low. Every time I begin to get angry, or scared….I need to remind myself. Ok. Just put a hairtie on my right wrist, to pop myself and remember. Haha….or should I say, remember(to use it) and Pop myself, to stop the behavior. Nightie night. 1:02am = 3 = Trinity….yay, need all 3. :=))

Ha! Nearly a week all rolled into one! You guys probably hate that! It’s winter here. I hate winter, hate cold. My hands are cold right now laying across the keyboard. Summer has been in Flagstaff for 2 nights at a hotel and left today. As long as she gets past Albequerque before the next set of weather sets in, we’re good. There is a huge part of me, (scared sheri), who does not want me to go and will come up with anything she can to try and talk me out of going. Another part is very excited. The suitcases arrived. 5 piece set really should be 4 piece set. Thinkin it’ll work though. Well, 3 ½ to be more precise. We haven’t been able to sell the other 2 bulls yet though. It will in fact leave us BULLless….except for 2 babies. That’s not the issue. The issue is having people here…..at the same time…..and being able to lure the bulls a loooooong ways. Last time, they didn’t come. We are out of time though. I don’t know how to catch them otherwise. I need the money. Crap. Well…..I guess I’d best get this out late or not, otherwise it’ll go on forever. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. PS…..she is driving still. AND,,,,found out we leave a whole day before I thought!!!! Holy cow! It’s less than a week!!!

looking for signs…..

Weeks ago, I realeyes’d I wanted to read the Flower of Life book again. I don’t think I own it though and I was just not in a rush. Tonight, I was given a movie to watch by a friend and within it….they discuss and highlight, the flower of life. Of course. That is how my life works. This is the kind of sign I’m seeking regarding the trip. Oh. Wait. I just realized. This type of sign typically means I’m on target, going down the right path in life. Haha! Yay! It’s a sign!!! See, this is why I blog! Hahaaa…..nah, well, at least partly why! Oh goodness, time went by and now I’m too sleepy to write. My sleepy tea is working. Night night….12:54am = 3 = trinity.

I woke up thinking I didn’t go into enough detail about those signs. I guess in a way, there are some signs that are quite specific and readily easy to see and follow. Other times, it’s a general. In actuality, they are all general. They are all saying this one same thing…..you are doing well. You are on point. You are where you are supposed to be. Kind of like a stitch marker for knitting. Or the universe’s way of saying….good job….right on track. I also remembered that a week or so ago, I did this same thing….thinking there were no signs regarding costa rica. But I concluded that even though there were no CR specific signs, that the signs I was on track were aplenty. So…..add those to this one and ya…..I must be ok. I did go back and try to find a green set of suitcases so I wouldn’t be so dang flashy, what was I thinking???? But no, so purple it is. Look out Costa Rica….Mama is comin. I still need to find a driver to the airport though.

I miss Moonbaby. I would have gladly taken care of him forever. Would have cleaned his lil butt and rolled him around in that red wagon I would have bought. And would have spoiled him with peanuts and clover and sunflower seeds. Would have gladly and happily made jug after jug of the orange stuff or the brown stuff. Boy, he loved those. But mostly, he loved peanuts. And toward the end, due to proximity…..he loved me. When they are forced to have one on one time with me due to an illness or injury, they always discover that Mama isn’t so bad after all….in fact, she’s kinda cool. But no….the little tiny house is empty. Crystal is resting finally….forced to refrain from the endless loops around the pasture. Thor had an out….and didn’t take it. I felt bad that he wasn’t getting to hone his new walking skills but he didn’t walk out so in he stays. I could put Rosie there. She’s still not well. Trying probiotics for a few days first, in case her belly is just icky from all the chemicals. I did see a photo though of a goat that looked just like her….and a few of the others who died. White muscle. So….in case it’s that, I’ll try to find this BOSE that everyone talks about. IN the meantime, sunflower seeds have selenium…..and spinach but I only have seeds.

Y’all need to get to know the name of the lady who is the new owner of the goats. Candace. Candace has the goats. Well, Candace and her hubby taught us a few dog tricks. As I type, little Dolly puppy is tied to the door handle in my room. I was having problems potty training her so this is the remedy. Keep her tied up near me while she’s in the house, for the……don’t potty in your house theory. We are also switching her from harness to chain, for teaching purposes….lol, plus this pup chews through everything! I have her tied right now with a horse rope….so far, only thing she hasn’t chewed through……she even chews her harnesses off. Aside from that….she is very intelligent and if I wanted to , I could probably teach her to herd, but I’m thinkin a border collie would be best for that. Dunno. Depends how I feel when I get back….will I still want to do goat? Will I want to travel? Will I want to be a traveling art lady? Or will I stay here and concentrate on the fiber. Try a sheep or two again, haha but a quieter breed. Who knows. I cannot predict the future especially after I’ve been to another part of the planet. No tellin what these eyes will see, or this heart will feel. The goosebumps are starting to form. Haha….kinda wishin I had shoes other than rubber boots. Is ok though…….my fashion statement is………cover the body for ease of use and environmental challenges, IE……..cold or hot. It’s so funny. I get so many compliments on my clothing these days when honestly……HONESTLY…..I decide on a color….then grab everything I have in that color, print, pattern, solids……then I just layer them. Really fun and ooooooober me.

Haha….I’m watching EDtv. They should film me, I’m already telling all. :=)))) God this movie makes me LOL. Well sorta telling all. Ha. I have avoided telling you the full extent of my bad food choices. Yes, there are plenty of exceptions, but on average, my daily meals consist of organic blueberry yogurt(otherwise known as SUGAR) and chocolate chip cookies(6, stacked) with ice cream. Yup. That’s it. 2 processed foods. 2 sugars. And aside from sugar being the desired food of choice of HepC, it also has another side effect. I’m growing. I was approaching 80 pounds when my illness was discovered. Let’s just say I have proof that processed foods, sugar foods….add on tons of weight. So let’s just hope I get a will to live while I’m gone. I do feel the urge to eat better now. That’s something. It’s like I’m waiting for the trip to make the change….and in the meantime I’m eating my same ole same ole. And it’s not like I don’t KNOW how to eat right, the daughter taught me well. Ok. I’ve gone and overtalked. See ya! Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.

…did it drive me to drink?

As much as I miss those beautiful beings, there is a feeling of…a sigh of….relief. A large heavy weight has been lifted off of me. I never saw them as a weight before the Doc said those words though. Then it was like, no, I’m too busy thinking about the end of my life to shear them. Also, I was too tired. So tired. I was tired way before Doc said those words too. I knew months ago that I needed to grow a hard heart toward the goats. Well, in a miss them kind of way. I knew and have been working on myself for the past months, preparing myself to be ok without them. Everytime I would be out there with them, it would hit me that they were leaving and I couldn’t say their names anymore and I stopped taking photos. I did some, but not in my normal prolific way. I just couldn’t spend time with them cuz it hurt too bad. The day before they left, was finally the day I took out the fancy camera. Hadn’t used it in a year or so, due to the iphone and ease of use for the blog. Somehow that was the day. The last day with the goats. And when I went out, they were down by the pond, which we walked around so many times. It was fitting that that be the last photos of them here. (I don’t know if you can see the pond, but it was there!) I’m not freaking over Moonbaby anymore either. He hasn’t been buried yet. He’s still sitting out there all alone in his little pen….looking just like a goat. I guess I won’t need that little red wagon….which I just saw on tv.

On tv, I also just saw a scene of a school bus. Children were screaming and throwing things, bits of paper and such and it was a scene of pure chaos, which made my next thought be that of how wrong the school system is. To throw all those children together. Some are sensitive, some are bullies….I’m sure there are plenty of other examples, but so it just causes problems….sadness….chaos. Such long times, hours on end, day after day. There is no joy there. I so wish the schools were schools and not systems. Not industries. I wish the health industry wasn’t an industry. Hospitals, Doctors, diseases……all spiraling in the economy driven greed. The business of illness, injury and harm. It’s a real shame. Literally. Shame. Shame on us humans. I think all humans should take the oath….first do no harm. I also think humans should prepare to die….everyday. That way….we are reminded of the moment and not to miss it. Not to let your overwhelm go to complete meltdown….it is a MOMENT. It shall pass. Okie dokie. Night night all. 12:18am = 3 = Trinity.

Yup, no question about it. Life was kind to me via making me very uncomfortable. All that happened….was perfectly designed to keep me from succumbing to a depression once again. The breakdown kept me from having my own breakdown about the goats leaving….and the is he dead is he alive thing….kept me from a breakdown about Moonbaby. You won’t convince me otherwise. I have no doubt that he died from the rumen fiasco. But dead he is. Bloating has begun but he is not stiff. His legs are bendable. He is now buried and lil Zeus came to say goodbye. Crystal is doing a LOT of laying down now that she’s trapped, which is good. I don’t know how to get accustomed to the tiny amount of goats. Technically, I would have put Crystal in the pen Moonbaby was in, so she had even less room to pace….but due to recent events….ie, the goats being loaded onto ta trailer and carted away…..I want them to be able to see her, so I put her in the L pen. She’s 3 years old and has always had her mommy…till now. Need to make sure she’s welcome. She used to be my friend, till I sold her twin Butters…..and she never forgave me.

Oh…..haha……stranded in Oklahoma, with no maryjane for either pain or sleep….and no sleepy tea……well, I did have a bit of a keif ball someone had gifted me with so after 2 stores, finally found a coke can and we went between 2 storage buildings at the hotel. AND, I had hubby get me some beer. BEER??????? You drank beer??????? Yup. 2. Worked too. I eventually did sleep. And so…………………………….after breaking my sobriety……………..haha………..did I buy beer at the grocery store when I got home? Was I now addicted again????? Nope. Not an issue, not one lil teeny tiny iota. Tasted horrible too.

I woke up in panic this morning. Honestly…..why won’t God give me a sign I’m supposed to go on the trip???? I just happen to be a sign person and here I am a few weeks away and nothing. Found myself a set of luggage….for 60 bucks and ordered it. Bright purple…..can’t lose it. I yimmy back and forth between being excited and scared to death. Oh ya…..I evolve. Speaking of death……on this trip, when we were in the hotel shuttle being driven to get the RV so we could try to race home…….the shuttle driver was rather suspect, so I was praying and I envisioned a crash….and wow…..I was ok with it! Then I pictured myself dying a whole bunch of different ways and wow…I was ok with all of them! Yeehaw! That’s one less fear! My mind kept sayin, to each….but what about injury? My answer to each was…..would be divine plan so ya. OK. Goodness….I am changing soooooo much soooooo fast. Haha…there is a kitty who rarely visits with me, who is cold. She came to my bed and jumped up….circled my lap then curled up. I could feel the shivers so I have her all covered up but isn’t that interesting that she knew how to get help? She came to me and I fixed her. Wish I could have fixed them all. I wonder how many of them would be alive had I been given the correct dosage by the animal DOCTORS. I dunno, surely I carry some responsibility in this but I really don’t know what. I did what they told me….thats where I went wrong…..instead of my own gut, which always steers me right. Chalk it up to life I guess….and the friend too, that was so mean and blaming. Obviously still bothers me. Oh well. It is what it is. I’m still catching up on loss of sleep. Went to bed early last night and today I’m still sleepy. The wrist issue is so bad. I need a nap. So…how many of you are amazed that I could drink those 2 beers with no need for more? I’m really connecting it to the use of the psycillicybin shrooms I used as learning tools at that time. Same time frame folks. Isn’t that fascinating? Mushrooms have so many powers and healing abilities and just plain abilities. Wow. And they’re so friggin cute! Haha…ok. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. I will get the photos back after the trip….unless anyone sends in the $20 with the express request to put toward photos. In case of that…….paypal is…… sherilee@wildblue.net Also, anyone wanting to just help with the trip can surely donate and I won’t mind a bit. Love.

mercy…..

We have made it home by the grace of God and helper people praying us all the way home. So grateful and happy to be here. So grateful for Candace taking these precious goats off my plate. It looks really funny out there now. Empty, it looks empty. I wanted to check Crystals leg this morning so I took peanuts and went to the L. How strange. Just a couple goats. They could come to have me feed them by hand and it wasn’t an issue. Well, little Peaches wanted to jump up but only her and she’s overly friendly now due to her illness. :=)))) I saw her limping so called and made an appointment for her, then we checked before we left and she was standing on it. I felt it and didn’t find a break and she was putting pressure on it, standing, so we decided it wasn’t broken. Ran to town for groceries before the bad weather arrives. Not sure how bad it’ll be here but think we get somethin, Damn propane tank is at 5%!!!!! Crapola. He’s coming! So, we put Crystal in a pen, then put Thor in with her so she’s not alone. He wasn’t too happy.

I’m doing remarkably well considering. God is sooo good. Even though He knew for sure I’d throw a walleyed fit, He still did what He did, which was to distract me from the loss. He distracted me greatly….with the breakdown and the Moonbaby is he dead, is he alive ordeal. While we sat in that parking lot for hour upon hour, I repeatedly said…………..just drive us home. Just stop every 45 miles to check the status of the tranny oil and carry tons of oil with us and we can get home. BUT NOOOOO. In the end, that’s what we did EXACTLY!!!! Self righteous pissedoffedness!!! Ya think??? Jesse wanted to argue with me that there was indeed a difference between doing what I wanted….and what we did….difference was….we now KNOW he said, that it will probably be ok, cuz the guy had it on the machine. WELL folks……..it cost over $550 to KNOW. $350 to NOT fix the Rv, and $200 for hotel 2 nights. Ha….then we start driving and smell burning rubber smell. Call mechanic. Hmm….could be this or could be that or…..could be safe to drive home. So…in the end…after that $550…did we really know? Hell NO! I knew…cuz of the prayers. All my friends, plus I posted in Tootsie healing circle. There were well over a hundred people praying us home. Yay people!!!

Haha…my reaction this weekend is what makes me wonder what the heck I’m gonna do in Costa Rica! Nearly the whole trip to DC to see AMMA, I wanted to leave, to go home. Only gone a few days this time and I freaked…..and I’m gonna go to a different COUNTRY???? FOR a MONTH|???? Maybe more? Hahahaaaaaa! Who knows…..I may really like it. It’s approaching quickly! Goodness! I don’t even have suitcases! I don’t know if massages are included in the price, I doubt it, but I’m sure hoping somehow for that. Right now…..I even have my muscle disease pain. It’s the cold storm thingy and the temps are dropping and the barometric pressure is either rising quickly or too slowly…….or…….its dropping quickly or too slowly. Either of those = pain. Horrible pain not like any other pain ever. Been alive 53 years and it’s just different….just Godly different. So deep. So intense. I want to scrape it off me. These days it happens less, so I try not to complain at all. I mention occasionally but I don’t complain. It could and has been……beyond bearable…..so anything less than that is great! Haha…so basically, by my own rules…..I have to be happy about this pain just about every time it visits. Maybe I should name the pain. Hmmm. SQUINCHY. I shall call her Squinchy! Ya, it’s a girl. If it was a guy I wouldn’t have been so shocked when my husband kicked my ass. Anyway…..she now is named, so I can love her. I love you Squinch!!!

I have a feeling one of the biggest culture shocks of my trip….will be the loss of sugar. I like my sugar. Always have. My mom used to tell me I’d get diabetes cuz I used too much in my tea and on my cereals. I use 3 level tsp in my black tea, and 1 in my chamomile. Speaking of chamomile, I slept last night!!! Yayayayayyaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Sleep is good. Ya, it’s cookie time. Time to go turn the oven on. Still waiting on the propane guy. The puppy, Dolly, was a really good girl on the trip. She still won’t pee on command though, like my Blue dog. Wait….like Blue dog…remember, I need to stop labeling things as mine. It feels like it separates me from others, so I feel the need to stop it….although, I am still not really comfortable separating myself from my ganja medicine. I look at it as medicine, always have. It’s an herb, from the earth. Speaking of herb from the earth…..been reading some fascinating posts in the aya group. I’m beginning to connect the aya experience with the Egyptian death scenario…..or should I say AFTER death….and………with the Emerald Tablets of Thoth and the Halls of Amenti. Lordie. Lordie lordie. I must be hella brave. We shall see. I really wanted to do peyote first but I didn’t have an IN with the Native Americans. Peyote is gentler. I’ll be fine. I’ve gone places in my 3 bad acid trips so I know about mind games. I honor this feminine herb with my courage to taste her. Ha….I pray I have it at time to drink!!! Ok….later gater. Signing off gratefully and with heat for the night and month cuz I just paid the man…..from YeeHaw Ranch…yay!!! Goodbye my babies. Mama loves you. Are you having fun in the snow??? Love love.