Fireflies…..

I think whats happening is I’ve realized how many times, how many doses it may be required to get my depression in hand. It may be a great medicine but if you don’t take enough….it won’t work. Won’t finish the job. Dear God. It just never occurred to me that I’d have to do this more than a few times. I’ve already done it 4 times beyond that! I was brave. I did the deed. I should be done, according to the beliefs I went into this with. The realeyesation that I am not cured as I’d thought…..and that I will need to continue swallowing that beautiful nasty brew for a loooooooong time……is throwing me for a loop. I watched a documentary the other day. Don’t get me wrong. I researched this for over a year. In this new documentary, which seemed to have been taken from a conference…..the lady had depression. She had a shipibo healer, which means she had icaros sung for her,……songs created just for her and her healing……..and possibly had them temp tatoo’d on her as well or drawn……very personal. Very intimate. So…this lady with all that……………………..says it took her over 80 ceremonies before she was well. 80!!!!! And that’s with a healer concentrating on HER!!! God bless it!!! Aya! I wanna scream it. Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Please…..I wanna say, I’m special….treat me special…….heal me now!!! Haha………..don’t ya love the I’m special part!!! I can be a bit grandiose! Or….I could be normal and society has convinced me I’m grandiose. Nothing special. Just a quick note before sleep to let you know I worked tonight. Haha….I remind myself of some of those Rennaisance artists….ha…..maybe we’re all bipolar….and we paint when we go up…or we paint to go up. Night 12;23am = 8 = infinity

My daughter is here. For a minute I had hope again, as we were discussing Iboga….Good Lord, yes, I’m back to that. The Scariest psychedelic of all. They say it’s 100 times more powerful than Ayahuasca. And I’m scared to do AYA alone!!! But, as it’s 100 times more powerful, it’s also reputed to be….one 3 day dose, is equal to 100 aya ceremonies. So. Once again, a possible cure for my depression…..requires scary scary medicines. Not only that……this is the same medicine that I checked into before coming here. There is a place here, called the Iboga House….that I sent in a questionnaire about my health…….came back saying I needed 3 sessions…..at a cost of $7,000. I remember being horrified at the price until one of you reminded me that typical healthcare costs are high….that the cost of a broken arm or leg, she had, cost like $80,000….insurance, ye know. Imagine that. Eighty grand for a broken limb. The world has gone nuts. So….while knowing that 7 grand is extremely less than 80 grand…..the bottom line is…..I don’t have either amount. My hope is flying. Flying all around. Who knows if it will land and settle anywhere near me. The scary thing is…..I don’t even seem to care. I’m thinkin I’d best get that spoon a day goin pretty damn quick. Although, its not no 80 ceremonies!!! I know, I know…I’m supposed to be grateful. But…80 ceremonies??? Will I even live that long? And at $100 a pop? Hmmm….not much more than the Iboga. Lol. Guess they do equal out.

  
Sometimes I’m ok with writing about myself and other times I get so dang embarrassed. Just wanna throw a coat over my head and hide. But I don’t. I speak….so others can relate, see that there is hope….GOD…..have I screwed that up? By removing my hope….have I removed yours? Kill me now. You see, this is why I’ve been blogging so seldom lately. Not due to technology shortage or internet or even sadness or embarrassment. No….it’s cuz I started this journey here to heal myself. While doing so, I thought I could show a way. Perhaps give hope or a solution to others. When the depression began to creep back after taking the ayahuasca, this is not what I wanted to report. So I tried avoiding it. Avoiding you. I don’t know people. Maybe I can’t carry you after all. Maybe it’s too heavy. Oh God. If I have removed hope from anyone…..please forgive my soul. And no….that doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I’m a fighter.

Last night there were fireflies IN THE CABINA!!! What a treat. At bedtime, I had a question so I asked it silently……and that if it was something I should consider, then have the fireflies flash…in my face I said….and ya know, they basically did! So….I put it out there once again. Not sure however that it’s a true want. I need to ponder this. It could be a childhood need expressing itself. I’m gonna stew on it. Speaking of stew, Summer cooks when she’s here. I think she really likes to cook and misses doing it. One of the few things she asked me to bring her was curry powder. Organic curry powder. Haha, fasting will do that. She goes all out with meals whereas I, do the quickest easiest meal I can make. Tonight she’s making quinoa cuz I splurged and bought some. Do you realize that the demand for quinoa has made it so expensive that the people where it originally grows…..can no longer afford to eat what they’ve eaten their whole lives. Demand. Demand….the I want it now. Demand is now causing the vicuna to be hunted and killed. The vicuna. An animal in South America whose fiber is so soft, it is the most expensive on the planet. Well……..some people have the I want it nows, and are killing them for their fur/fiber. Right. Now you create extinction. Jeeze imagine how much it would cost then? But why? Why are they doing this? Why are there now gangs killing whole herds of vicuna???? Cuz people want it. Right now, I’d lay odds it’s not the clothing manufacturers who want it….but the handspinners. The internet has spoiled us and we want it. And we want it now. Ahora. Haha…..Summer just installed a Spanish speaking software for me and we listened to 3 episodes. Pretty good stuff, wow. Way better than highschool lessons. We laughed a lot cuz the guy would really stress the syllables for pronunciation. Laughter is good. The most prevalent sound here, aside from the visiting Amma bashan music, is the twwwwrrrrrrdddd bbbbdddddddd of the hummingbird. LOL….dunno if its right, but its close. Hoping the fireflies visit again tonight. Signing off……….not alone tonight………..from Costa Rica. LOL….ya, don’t like alone. 6:22pm = 1 = Beginnings. Hey Rory! PS……..I have concerns…..suspicions….and I’m struggling with not worrying about todays monumental decision. The timing. See…..I think alot of false flag shit is goin on……..trying to incite us. Oh well…..don’t mind me.

watching my downfall with 20/20 vision…waiting

Watching my downfall with 20/20 vision is no fun. I have new glasses now and they are very clear and sharp…all the better to witness with my dear. I’m not a patient person. Waiting day by day…day to day…minute to minute….to see what I’ll be doing…..it’s very hard. I’m so tired of hard. My daughter will arrive tomorrow. She cannot abide negativity. Hope I can find a strong enough mask. There. As you can see, this is two days in a row now. I’ve brought up the subject of masks. Now we can all take a sharp look at how many we wear. How many do you have on right now, this very second? Me? I’m alone, don’t have to wear many. I think the strongest masks are those First Love masks. Where we hide all the bad stuff about ourselves cuz they’d leave us if they knew. We go to great lengths on our hairstyle each day, our makeup, buying clothes….and God forbid a fart! Lordie, that will never do. After all, in that moment, we are no longer human, we are…..girl in heat. Girls in heat do NOT FART! Anyway….a good way to describe whats happening to me right now is a drain. A water drain. It’s swirling down slowly. Of course, I will get out and be happy for awhile once again…..until it repeats. This is what I am seeking. A cure. An actual cure! Aya may very well be. I just don’t know yet. I know that last year when we were choosing…it was very difficult for me. I felt a very distinct call to Peru, the shipibo healers….while at the same time, the familiarity of rainbow gathering type feel with people my daughter already knows and loves….well….I chose that one. It may be that I’m called to both. All I know is….I’m right back to before I went….with the attitude of……………………………..If this depression is gonna continue forever, then I do not want to heal my liver. Simple. I got so spoiled with those 14 years non depression. Awesomewowwow. No.

There is a new thing happening in my life. I fall in love with humans now. Adult ones. Male, female, married, not married. It seems to matter not. I am falling in love with their spirit. This is new for me and quite painful. I have been one to try to avoid human connection too deeply. I’m not able to avoid any more. Not having those energies around me all the time is painful. One thing I’ve learned for sure is….I can’t do ALONE. Rather a catch 22, eh? Aya has opened my heart and it’s wide and flapping in the breeze. Can this be good? WOW….I seem to be haunted by that suggestion that my depression is due to lack of sunlight, nature and healthy foods. I am haunted because it is such a lie. I have been asking people to “SEE ME” for 53 years now. Ya, probably from babyhood….probably laid there wondering why nobody loved me. If I think about it…….if there was no affection or bonding or love or words of love expressed at the age of 6 and up….then wow……….wow………lightbulb……..then ya……there most likely was not much touch or love shown at any ages younger than 6, yes? Oh…wandered off there……..so…..I was depressed from the moment I remember being alive. How the hell can you associate that with those 3 things? Food, sun and nature. I believe mine goes even further back though….than birth. If it didn’t, why would I think someone pushed the wrong button….thats how I got here….someone pushed the wrong button. I also ran away in my mind on a daily basis and a nightly basis. I hid in the woods. I healed. I had visions and knew when people had died. I tended insects and amphibians. I cried myself to sleep. I mixed chlorine and bleach and breathed it…..I drove my car to 90mph….I slit my wrists…..I swallowed pills……I sat in cars breathing exhaust fumes. And honey….this was all before I turned 18. The naivety. Nobody understands people like me. Maybe there aren’t that many of me, I dunno….but the world sure as shit doesn’t have a place for us. People like me are so sensitive. I used to think I was empathic. I don’t think that’s correct anymore. I don’t know what the correct term is though. I don’t feel peoples pain. I feel their possible pain. Almost as if the pain I feel is the pain that would have been, had I not felt it…and it lives in another dimension…..the dimension of Possible pain. Haha. I try. I try to explain. I guess it’s my and a gazillion others before me/s attempts to gain understanding, that has brought us to this. Sunlight, nature and healthy food. Oh…and maybe also…..maybe I was sad in utero cuz I knew what I was entering. We don’t know. What we do know, is that the baby is fed DMT in great amounts throughout pregnancy. Then a huge dose at birth….then no more….the pineal gland is shot thanks to the Gov interfering with fluoride. Enter ayahuasca. WOW. I just went from a depression description, to ayahuasca!!! Interesting how that flowed. Rather like the cannabis receptors I found out we have in our bodies. Maybe we need that too. If we’ve got a receptor……………………duh. We also create DMT. But it is our mommies who give it to us in womb. So wow….think about that. For 9 months, we are curled up in the teeniest tiniest thinnest sack that binds and holds us in a psychedelic state. Wow…..so, there we are just tripping balls and whammmmo………………we are squeezed through a tunnel so dark, so tight that it feels as if bones are breaking………and whammmmmmo again….we pop out….into the brightest fakest light ever, with really loud noises and people smiling and crying and we are taught to give our toys to whoever wants them, to believe in false fake things….Santa; easter bunny and that Pumpkins are great. Sure they have some minerals but they ain’t all that cats meow for Gods sakes. Perhaps it even goes further back than that….a previous lifetime. Again….nothing to do with sunlight, nature and healthy food. What I am saying here is this………………..Everyone is UNIQUE and some of us have been through hell and can get a wee tad annoyed when someone says its due to the lack of a few vitamins. Yes, vitamins are good….go vitamins. But they are not the be all and end all of things. WOW. Mama went on a soapbox, sorry for runnin on. Better than crying though, eh? Also, I mean no harm to those who say such things to me I just want awareness that not every illness is cookie cutter. In fact, I’d lay odds…none of em are.  

An aspect of the depression is that everything is tainted by shadow…..so my knowledge that I could take the spoon a day protocol….was usurped by the depression blue……and my thoughts were more like……they won’t do it now since I didn’t go to the ceremony. See? Very irrational. Thoughts painted blue. Oh ya….I wrote a 30 second poem today….haha, out of the Blue:

THE VINE THROWN DOWN THE HOLE

When you rose with your eyes
To the falling of the skies
And the steady drip drip drip of your blood
In the mud
Around did you look
For a thing to pull you out
A hand, a branch, a rope
A little hope
The light….not bright enough
The dimness easing blue
You scream to the ethers of others
Your sound smothers
A hollow shrill bent and twisted sound
Unheard
Heard but not to the depths of that blue
That hue
That heavy blue
That waits for recognition of understanding
Of ahhh, yesness
The vine thrown down the hole
It seeks me
To teach me
To be me

6/24/15 Oh!!! Happy Birthday my dead love! You are forgiven.

I didn’t go to the ceremony so I’ll be taking the bus to the Thursday Ferria(market) in the morning and I will meet up with my daughter!!! HOPING she can tolerate me. Signing off at my cabina in Costa Rica. PS….thankyou to all who are helping me get through this bout. LOVE LOVE Ahhh, my kingdom for some scissors. Just kidding….but I do wish I had them tonight rather than tomorrow….I think I’d like to do some art maybe….she says with a thread of hope in her voice cuz she’s been told she can have her precious scary spoon. Haha, I’d like to put it in a Vicks formula 44 bottle! Hello Angels!!!! (Any combination of 4’s)

  

sadness wears no blood or bruises…

I don’t know if it’s a depression, but the crying is severe. I’ve cried so much I’ve hurt myself. My back and sides…too much strain. I visited with a really awesome friend yesterday and found myself telling about my life. She was interested, so ya. I was saying I felt as if I wore a mask and nobody saw the depressed me. Aya(the jungle medicine I’ve recently taken to reset my brain) has since pointed out to me that it is in actuality two different aspects of me. The animated world changer wanna be, and the woman who cries. I am both. I just hide one if I can. Lately, I find myself crying in public places too, unavoidably. Not sobbing mind you, but streaming tears nonetheless. I try to wipe them away unseen. I always have. Just like Robin Williams said. We walk around with a smile and we scream inside. In that regard, I suppose we are fake. False. Walking talking masks. The crying feels different now. Almost no control. I got dressed to go do ceremony the other night. Wasn’t easy either. The pretty God dress I chose, is 2 layers….trying to dress in the dark was comical but I eventually did get my body covered in the pretty white stuff. Got down to the new temple and there were not enough mats I was told. Good excuse to not drink. Did you catch that? I have just flown across the ocean to drink this…..and Im looking for an excuse not to. It’s hard people. Really hard. I’m not sure I’ve stressed that enough. Taking ayahuasca is a severe thing to do. Extremely severe!!! Don’t just jump into it cuz I am….research it. And the surroundings are similar to 3rd world countries. No pretties like you are used to. No ac, no refrigeration, stores close by, electricity part of the day, internet in scattered pockets of time, mosquitos and others similar but worse…I know not their names. Ya. Stuff like that. I watched a documentary yesterday about the proliferation of ayahuascca. The destruction of. The old growth…..cut down……for pretties on a coffee table….not even made into medicine. The demand for ayahuasca is destructive. I’ve tried to bring awareness to it….but at what cost? They are not replanting enough……and, even if they did….it can only grow so fast. The lady said it takes 5 years for it to grow to medicine growth stage…..and she wished the world would take a ten year break. Ya right…not this world……now now now. And no, I do not count myself in that category concerning aya…..I heard about it for 4 years……and researched it a full year before consuming. I did my homework……but even that year….was not enough information. I am still loving all the aya insights I get daily……and I am trying to love the sadness that seems to have grown exponentially. Trying to love the tears. I was thinking last week what to do for the day…..my brain started ticking off options….number 3 was to stay home and cry……my other self caught that and said…do what????? Stay home and cry is an option for the day???? Crying is cool? Fun? What could I possibly be getting from crying that I would think of it as an option??? Oh Lord….this topic bores me….and it stimulates me. I am a contradiction indeed.

   
        Some people say that it’s the food, or lack of sunshine or lack of nature. I can’t buy that. As a child, I cried…..oh how I cried. In the WOODS(nature)….Outside, in the sunlight. And…..I was forced to eat salads everyday and vegetables. If I didn’t eat my 6 bites I had to go to my room. My parents were very strict with table etiquette. So ya, they fed me good food and I had all that stuff they recommend, yet I was still a crier. I still couldn’t sleep. I still wandered the forest alone. Might wanna add in the extreme physical pain I was born with as well. The way one of me sees it….I must be one strong cookie….to have been sent down to do both of those…pain AND depression. Double whammy. Lol. Knowing that, doesn’t seem to help in the moment of panic….cuz there are seriously moments of panic. Ahhh, speaking of panic. I was able to read a story about the recent aya death in Peru. Seems it was a young lady and nobody did anything wrong. She had opted for a nicotine cleanse before using the aya. It’s meant as a purge and I believe it’s a different nicotine than we’re accustomed to and way way stronger. Anyway….she began to vomit/purge and couldn’t stop. She just couldn’t stop which set her into panic and she breathed in the vomit and thusly died before ever meeting Grandmother. Poor girl. And unfortunately I now have that vision in my head.
I keep telling God that even though I haven’t entirely committed to following Him, (told hubby and he didn’t say no), he’s chosen the wrong person! I’m not very brave. Becoming more so all the time, but I just don’t know. Today, not sure whose idea it is, Gods or mine, but today…..for the first time in my entire life…..I feel like I have enough of one of my medicines. I have some in 3 different places! My mood has chosen to want to smoke a cigarette I suppose and being that I can’t and won’t do that again……this is laying here handy….this….being the best stuff I’ve had in well close to ever. So….I’m just basically smoking herb….alllllllllllllll day long. A first. Interesting. I’m not crying anymore but I also have had friends offering words of love, which always lifts me….which by the way is why I post those posts. Sure, I know y’all know I have depression….but when I post it it does 2 things. It gets me some prayers and kind words that can pull me from a depressive state…..and….it opens the topic again, for others who are suffering the same.

  
I didn’t go again to the ayahuasca. I’m running out of time. It’s tomorrow….or not till another month. I haven’t ordered a taxi. That’s important. There aren’t a lot of taxi drivers that know where Florestral is. If Merlin is busy, I guess I could always go to taxi row and holler out….Florestral!!! LOL. That’s if I get the nerve to go. I’m not as brave without my daughter I guess, or it could truly have nothing to do with her. Holy cow….the worlds largest roach is flying thru the house. Well…it’s dark…..I don’t wanna run the electricity up so I don’t light many lights. There are actually many reasons why I’m not doing the aya, I’m just not listing them. I need to go. Ok. Later. Signing off.

jungle sounds again….yay!

I have been properly welcomed by the mosquito beings and am officially in the jungle now. I had a lot of fears before the flight and BabyGirl laid down in front of the gate when we were leaving. Never ever done that before so I wondered if it was a sign not to go, then the fears swooped in like a swallow in flight. I didn’t want to go. Yet….it was expected, the plan. My daughter was counting on me bringing her some things so I went. Middle of the night flights are no fun. There is one advantage however, the airport is rather empty. My taxi friend, Merlin, was waiting for me when I arrived. Good ole Merlin. During the drive, I pondered more….go to Sol? Not go to Sol? Merlin had another passenger going to Sol, so he offers to take me to my cabin and let me unload and repack for Sol. I was a bit too rushed however, and didn’t get all I needed or wanted. Plus…it rained all night….the new norm. In the end, I did NOT do ayahuasca. I slept instead. Needed it. This is the first time there was ceremony and I watched it from afar. Plus, I had no headlamp, no personal items to place in my ceremony space and it just plain didn’t feel right. I can now tell you what they had wanted me to do, since it’s now a non thing. They had wanted to start a kindergarten since there was no room at the local one. But….space was freed up and the little one starts tomorrow. Now, it’s being suggested that I be the nanny for the baby but I’d have to live here and it’s just too primitive for me here. They’re working as fast as they can with the finances available. It takes money to build a place like this. If I had my own space where I could cook…I’d do it…or a daycare could be a possibility. I dunno yet. I am still waking to the song words….around the world if you want to. 4-5 days now in a row. Kicking around what that could mean. A world tour to enlighten the world on the different jungle cures? Or just cures? Or, a tour to bring awareness to the jungle medicine or the destruction of the jungles, therefore the destruction of the cures waiting to be discovered. Still just watching for signs. 
I don’t want to talk above your heads and I know that not everybody is on a spiritual journey of discovery about life, so I at least want to explain one thing. Consciousness. I use that word alot. Let me try the nutshell for ya. We , as humans, are at many different levels although we are unaware of that. We think that there is just one normal awake one. Then, for surgery, they use the ether or new fangled stuff to take us down some levels of conscious. Down…..down down….to levels where we are unaware. Then…they can cut us open and we don’t feel a thing. We are UNAWARE. Understand? So, when we are awake, we are at what ever level of Awareness that we have so far. As we gain awareness, we go up in consciousness. Well, baby, there are many high conscious people in my momentary circle. We teach each other. I grasped this concept with greater depth today from a new brother. Also, another insight, from a new sister. Her newest aya insight….fresher than a newly born banana, was that she/we needn’t be so unhealthily connected, and to stop it….see that each person is God, in a suit that’s different from yours. See? If I’m God and she is God and he too is God wearing a Jeff suit, then what is there to be so controlling of, so needy of, so envious of??? Ya. Good stuff. Not that all of it is actually new…but that it gave another perspective. That’s the good stuff. 
They say they’re having a lay down meditation with a Daime Shower(still haven’t experienced it so can’t really elaborate, and a Sharing. It is POURING DOWN RAIN!!!! No umbrella, no raincoat, nothin. Not sure I wanna get wet. See, it’s rainy season which means(I finally get it) that the sun won’t be out long enough to dry what gets wet anymore.? Like me. I now understand where the layered look originated…..here!!! I’ve taken off and put on more clothes in one day than I’ll wear all week back home. It’s hot mostly, nothing horrendous but it’s hot. Then it rains, bringing cool air, stops raining and cool air is replaced by humid air which is hotter than hell…Ahhhh hell is in or near water!!! Lol. Then…it adjusts back to normal until the next wave of rain hits and it all repeats. 2 days. 2 days and I now know this deeply. I guess they’ll be having it without me cuz this old crone doesn’t wanna get soaked, then lay there and meditate soaked. I guess there are just things about me that I don’t like to compromise with. I want my pot, I want my sugar at least sometimes, I want lights or candles in my space, I want to be just right temperature wise,(right now the rain is causing a blanket needed…which is ok if you have a blanket…I do), I want what I consider Edible foods, I want Internet access, 
I wondered about my decision to come here last night. Why did I decide to? Was it a wrong choice? Is there a right or wrong choice? Ya. Well, I know it was the right one. Even though there are hardships from this jungle living, and no aya was digested, why did I come? Answer easily apparent. The people. Both for me and for them. I have words(prayers) that help them and they have some for me. One person in particular needed to talk and I was there. Good girl Sunshine!!!! Oh. Aya told me last night that next ceremony I actually do…I need to integrate Sheri and Sunshine. I need to be one. Not 2. Next ceremony is Tuesday and Wednesday. Gonna try to get home and grab some things first. Will be a costly venture but it’s the choice I made. I’ll probably do at least one of those days…maybe…..then, I think I’ll try the spoon a day protocol. For a week. In my cabin then if it’s not right, I’ll just return and finish it here. Oh…..and rainy season….while still not really active until September, is active enough that I can tell you I most likely will NOT stay here, as in Costa, the whole 2 months. Depends on the acupuncture. So ya, me and rainy season do not get along. It’s too dark. I need light, so I obviously won’t be living here year round. I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m complaining…no, I’m just realizing what Sheri likes and doesn’t like. I’m somewhat accustomed to bending to others desires. Somewhat….ha! Oh, but warning warning….I am about to complain!!!!! I was under the impression there was new internet here. It’s a hotspot…..when it’s on…who knows, maybe it’s good. I have no clue yet. Haven’t been to the Internet store yet. Gonna get that newly fixed old iPhone a Costa Rica SIM card. Between that and wifi in my town cabin, I should be good. 
Rain. So much. Summer once pondered aloud as to what hummingbirds did when it rained. She was taken aback that I knew the answer. They get into shrubs and sit on a small branch and wait it out. The leaves above them are their umbrella. Learned this in my room at Awakening Soul. And yes, there is one doing so now to remind me to share with you what hummingbirds do in the rain!!!! Lollll!!! Have I told you there are regular bird sized ones here? Huge! Haha, well not huge… bird size. Hmmm, just plain ole healing around the world journey! Ya, I’m back to that. Maybe it doesn’t need to be jungle specific. Just healing specific. So jeeze!!!! Day 2!!!! This is not gonna work. It’s gonna rain off n on allll day! At least the pain is not constant, that’s a plus in the Stay column! Oops….few moments later and my head is singing….around the world if you want to. Raining so hard I can barely see the mountain across the ways.
It is a stunning display of faith that has me in a taxi a different taxi who showed up in that rain with another seeker. Any taxi ride here is a wild and crazy one but the rain adds 10 lbs. lol. Add to that that this driver thinks he’s in the Taladega 500 and Ya!!!! Mama gets better every day! Speaking of that, I think Aya has solved that name issue for me. And yes, she is a separate and distinct energy in me….here’s her solution: Go back to my name and the ones who know me as Sunshine….shall continue therefore I get my giggles still. Compromise!!! Remind me to tell you more about the taxi’s here YeeHaw!!! Signing off from my cabin!!! Quebradas, Costa Rica!!!!! Viva!

Bulls for a 5am flight….

Spirit is nudging me hard right now. I remember when I first decided that I just couldn’t handle eating something that had once been alive. I was living in California and I had just watched one of those documentaries to show what happens when the little chicks are ready to go through the system and they get their little beaks chopped off first thing and so yeah I decided I wanted to stop eating anything that had once lived. So, I found what I was a was willing to eat ….potatoes! Ha ha, I ate potatoes every which way you can and guess what happened I blew up like like a beach ball. Needless to say, I went back to eating meat. That my friends, was in the year 2000. Ha ha here it is 15 years later and God is once again saying ha ha you sure you want to eat that? Are you really sure? It was alive you know. It had a mommy you know. It had a daddy. It had feelings. Are you sure? Yeah that’s what I thought. So I’ve decided that I’m going to quit eating beef. I will miss it tremendously but I think I’ll feel better about myself if I stop eating it, but I’m not going to go all the way. I’m going to keep eating chicken. Hey, I need my chicken!
If you’re wondering why this has come up again well Lotsa reasons. I don’t know but it’s probably partly to do with the past weeks doings. In order to go to Costa Rica, I sold the rest of those bulls that we couldn’t get last time. Well, TRIED to sell all the bulls, but we missed one. I was trying to catch him and he kept staring at me and I’m chasing him down and its like he knows he’s about to be hamburger… that’s why he doesn’t want to go in. Ran around and around we went and I just could see it in his eyes and he was too smart he was like I’m not!!! If I go in there you’re going to kill me I know you’re going to kill me…so I decided let’s just quit chasing him and let’s just let him live. So, he’s the bull that got away! I’m headed now to get the check for those two bulls. I’m curious to find out how much it’s going to be. How much you get for two bulls…one big, one little. Poor little guy he wasn’t a tiny baby but he sure was cute though and his mom cried for the next two days. How you supposed live with yourself when you do that??? Well, obviously I can’t because this is the second time I’ve done it but I don’t like it I just don’t like it!!! On the other hand…..lol, sorry. Turns out I’m human. We need more cows!!! Wowza! Good check!!!! Yay! I can go now! 

   
     Have been packing. You know doing that thing where you’re rearranging…you pack it one way , then move it all around another way trying to see how you can get everything you want into the different bags. And then of course, there’s the issue of what to take. I keep going back and forth as to whether or not I will have a booth. If I have a booth I need product so I need to take things. If I don’t have a booth I don’t need to take things…..driving me nuts. Bet you’re wondering why I’m trying to figure out what the take and what not to. Here’s the deal. Apparently rainy season is hard on our art form as it is kept……stacked. It’s actually more than that. Summer also cancelled the “special” things I was to bring. Huh??? She wants them safe in Texas. I’m so confused.  
I find myself treating you guys like my children. I don’t want to worry you so I keep things to myself. Actually it’s more than that…. it’s more like embarrassment. I don’t know why I I keep things to myself, I mean you guys know my inadequacies quite well by now. I had a test today of my SIGN recognizing skills. Was approaching home, knowing I was supposed to let Jesse drive my car. There was a storm approaching. I began having birds fly towards me in unusual displays of flying maneuvers and there were so many of them that I actually said okay is this a sign? Is this a sign that I’m not supposed to let him take the car right now because of the storm? Okay if this is a sign then please have another bird fly in my face. Of course, a bird flew in my face. Lol, he wasn’t here so it didn’t really matter anyway but still you know it was a test. It was a test to make sure that I would be able to recognize a sign because I am thinking of possibly doing the follow God thing and you can’t follow if you can’t recognize a sign & you are shit out of luck! I haven’t decided for sure, because it’s a really big heavy thing to do if you think about it. I don’t want to let you down and I don’t wanna let myself down.

   
  

  Still trying to decide if I want to do the Ayahuausca without my daughter. She says it’ll be another month before she’s ready so it’s a big question….big question. Oh yeah speaking of that, I gotta tell you about my new friends. Lol, if I was big into music, I woulda prolly swooned when I realized who was there. But….alas, I’m an old crone, yay, and I just thought they were really awesome people whom I connected with bigtime. I saw a recent photo of the band and it had over 4,000 likes. Jeeze! Haha, and the people were freakin out that the lead singer, my friend, had cut his hair. Lol. Gotta love love……the CRYSTAL FIGHTERS!!!! 
August Rush, at the end, the boy says the music is all around us, all you have to do is listen. He’s being metaphorical. I heard…that spirit voice you listen to, that’s the music for you. Haha, tried weighing the suitcase and when Jesse stepped on the scale he said, that’s too low. I said the same….the cookie factor. So I think the scales off, therefore I took out some fiber…knowing me I’ll just throw in a different fiber to take its place. Lost a cat, found the cat. Phone fixed after floods but Internet still out here. No goatie sounds, no catching sight of them out the window. Very green and empty here. Headed from one rainy season to another. Leave 2am, flight leaves 5am. Will be in mosquito paradise by morning…armed with 2 Afterbites and even spray and cream. Taxi been called and should be waiting in San Jose. Ok. Too much to do. Signing off here at this wet YeeHaw ranch place. Talk to Ya across the ocean. 

  

the unfriend button sucks…

Today was a double release day. I didn’t know it would be, but hey…life happens. I’ve been friends with a lot of people on facebook over the years and most of them are still my friends. It takes quite a bit to push me to the dreaded Unfriend button. I’m not comfortable with telling people no….so it ends up feeling like food in my face all the time. I suffocate. And jsometimes people think I don’t do anything because they send me messages all morning, all day, all evening, all late night. Seriously???? Why would you do that to somebody? It felt uncomfortable from day one yet I have a kindness in me. Why was it uncomfortable? Easy. You don’t know me. Never spoken to me before in your life and you think it’s ok to jump on into my life… when I asked for prayer in a prayer group. It was excessive and intrusive to be blunt. It is against my nature to say such truths….perhaps I should shift to the word….was. Was against my nature. I told you I’m bolder and can’t seem to hold things in anymore. If I don’t like something I have to say it but for some reason….I couldn’t. Oh ya….there was a death in her family. And then there was another. How do you say something to someone who’s freshly grieving? Anyway….bottom line is this. Tonight, said person was sending me link after link and then started talking about my mother. This person had gone to check out my mother.  I felt the icky in my belly. Then….I realized…..I had an icky belly!!! Holy crap, I had subdued it….out of a misguided sense of debt for prayer. So, once I realized that I had now and had been……..icky bellied…..I immediately unfriended this person. I’m very sorry. I just cannot live with icky belly again. If I feel it…I remove myself. It’s God. One of God’s voices in me. My gut. Thank you for the prayers, truly. I wish you a wonderful life. I also released the goats from my life because they too had accomplished their goal. 1:11am = 3 = Holy.

I now live in an Oh My God world. Where I wake up….realize whats up…in this case, the goats are gone…….and say…Oh MY GOD. I am fully confident though, that my travel partner(GOD), will find other, better reasons for me to wake to the words….Oh My God. Today I wasted energy on anger that had no point and an inevitable end in sight, yet I yelled. Hurt my throat. Halfway to Jesse’s work, the phone rings…..don’t need to come in. Are you friggin kidding me? Haha…Chunk that anger out the window….head towards town for yesterdays donut and ya….end up at the movie theater with your boy…watching San Andreas. Heheeee….not the best choice post AYA…..and amidst the feeling that there could soon be earth rattle and roll…….and I cried and felt like vomiting through the first half. Empath? Probably not. I just sometimes think I’m getting visions of the future. We moved out of California in 01 because I had what I thought was a vision. It never happened. The move however, was indeed necessary for me to have this life I’m in….had we stayed, I’d be in a different life now. And I wouldn’t know you. So……here in my oh my god world, in the end, it did require more than a smoothie for that herd of goats….nope…..I also needed those dang donuts…and a movie. In the end, I think aya has ruined me for future movies….too intrusive into my aura….but Jesse says it was somewhat believable so wow…that’s a good review!

   
     I tried to explain to Jesse that I was now living in the moment and therefore, expect anything where I was concerned. Basically, I was letting him know that I would be putting myself out there now. Maybe. If I do it. I can choose from several paths. Go and live there, then live here, then live there, then here, then there….yada yada….go there and become a traveler somehow, finding some way to support myself, or….literally give myself to GOD…like a nun or monk….and literally do what HE says. Am I that brave??? Is that what I’m supposed to do? The stuff in my head from way back says yes. From now….says yes. Shit. It’s not really a question is it? I’m formulating it now. It’s not really the same as living in the moment. It’s living for God. I think I want to give God a name if I’m gonna go that route which it’s sure lookin like I will. Henry maybe. HAHAHAHAAAA. Lol. No, but we’ll see. I’m gonna think on it. Amazing how this has all turned on a dime. I can still clearly see and hear me saying…..I’m gonna find a way to bring my goats here………ya…..times they are a changin. In less than 2 months time I went from that to having no goats and saying I’m dedicating my life to God/Henry/G. Ya, I’ll call HIM… G. Me and G. Well, me and G, we goin on a lil huge adventure. My life. Unless I get scared. I could get scared ye know. ;=))

   
   

(Look what happened after I left! Jesus was struck by light!!!!). He’s on my mountain(the cabin), sleeping Indian, I hope he’s ok.)

 I suppose in the end we shall discover if I am a better me. A changed me….well, ya, in spades and clubs and hearts and diamonds. Better….remains to be seen I think. I know for a fact I’m more blunt. If you don’t like the truth, straight up like a shot of tequila….then you probably won’t like the newest version of me. We, I, change everyday….I am simply changing bigger everyday. Ok…..the night is running away from me. Although it matters not if I catch it….my passion is hiding. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.
This is yesterday’s blog. I wasn’t up to posting it. 

….a smoothie for a herd of goats

Why do I have such a burning need to be more than who I am? Why am I not enough? I intend to be enough. I’m quite tired of this scenario. I’d like to turn the channel myself, thankyou! I came really close. Really I did!!! When Aya showed me who Sheri was…her attributes. It wasn’t good enough. I guess 53 years is a long time…..is a long life to wipe clean. Clean of all the mistakes I unwittingly made. And even wittingly…..after a lifetime, sometimes it’s too hard and I’m too stubborn and I say no!!!….I’ve been doing this my whole life…therefore, I shall continue it the rest of my life. Not easy to do. I had intended to smoke cigarettes my whole life. It was a decision I had made. Same with the drinking. I quit those though!!! It can be done…its just nobody said it would be easy. Easy and real don’t go together well….with one exception that I know of….The Easy Bake Oven.

   
     Well, the deed is done. MaryAlice and Kevin……you guys rock. They loved the babies and they also loved my art and asked me not to quit. Yes, I am considering it. I had planned to go for donuts as my cheer me up thingy, but we chatted too long, lol, go figure…goat people chatting….well, I never!!! So……I’ll find some kind of treat. Maybe I’ll go to Bits n Pieces and see if they have a 2 dollar suitcase for me!!! I’m doing my best to distract myself actually. And I cannot distract myself in this house. This is how I roll folks. It’s how I deal. I will go to town…find something to make me feel better…be it a dress, a smoothie, a cookie…whatever fits the bill….and then…..it will be ok. Donesky. Movin on. This is how I maneuver through the sadnesses of life and it works. Way better than when I was in severe depression. I usually can’t gift myself outta that. I’m so lucky that I’m easily appeased. Did you guys know how I quit crack? Did you even know I did crack? Ha….well, ya. Long story, life put me there. There being Kansas and 8 months of crack hell. Well, a friend came and scooped me outta there, took me to his house and according to my instructions….helped me get off the damn drug. How? By buying me one more. One more rock. One more pretty for me to consume all by myself…nobody trying to steal it, nobody stealing it….all mine. Yup. It worked. I know what it takes for me. I know me quite well. Which is why I used to be able to have 3 day depressions…..1 day to recognize and accept…one day to live with and acknowledge and one day to say see ya later to it!!! That’s why I still say…..if you even THINK your doctor is fixin to say those dreaded words…you stop her lickity split!!! Holy cow! Oh man….it’s gonna take some getting used to. No goats here. I guess the pups will watch over the birds and kitties now. Jesse is singing a nonsensical song…I don’t have to feed those goaties no more. He loved the goats too, so actually he will probably be missing them soon.

  
In the soap opera of my life, one of my characters just got killed off. The goat rancher one. The one who belongs to goat groups and fiber groups and has 500 facebook friends about 2/3 of which are goat people. That cloak…the goat cloak…has just been removed from me. It’s hard to explain. It’s as if it was something I had to do. Just a mere 2 months ago, I had been invited into a world sanctuary. I was going to bring my goats. What world sanctuary would be complete without goats that produce mohair for making hats and coats? Well….I guess this one. It would have cost a fortune to ship them….and to drive them seemed too dangerous. Somehow I know that I’m supposed to be there. That meant they had to leave….go to a new home where they would be fed and wormed and sheared and loved on. And birthed. I’ll miss that part the most. Bringing new life to the world. The brilliance of it all. Yes, I can take that hat/cloak off if I want or I can leave it on and be a person who used to have goats, who knows a lot about goats and can still share wisdom. Never did get to deliver a breech though. I remind myself of that movie…The Librarian. He was a perpetual student. I just adore learning something new to put in my pocket for later.

   
   While I was gone, neighbor Cathy’s life changed too. She went from being a dirt poor preachers wife…..to being a dirt poor preachers wife who brings in the bacon. She has lost, well, I couldn’t even say how much weight she’s lost. I’ve never seen this in person. Wait, once. My sister when she was 19. Anyway…..ya, she looks small now. I always saw her as strong. Now she just looks tired. She called me a monk yesterday. Me, a monk? Why, I asked. Cuz I had been a hermit shutting herself off, I was celibate, I was immersed in study. I had a Divine spiritual experience. And, I had dedicated my life to enlightenment. I was also lightening my load. I agree. God and I are being very careful which items are in my bag because I have to carry it now. I never used to carry my bag. My life. Oh wow. This might be a clue!!! Travel. Hmmm. I feel it. So maybe Im not gonna settle down in Costa Rica just yet. Oh….but I think I did figure out the appeal. I kept saying why would the people be such an appeal to me…….i know……duh…..family. I was the runt of the litter and it was a half bitch half mongrel litter anyways! A stepfather. My sister says I walk o the beat of a different drummer….well guess what???? I found my drum!!! Well…one of them anyways! Haha. I still need to find my figurative drum, meaning money…way to support myself. But oh man oh man…if I could get this drum to Costa Rica…to Sound of Light!!!!!!! It doesn’t look like much in the photos but it’s about 5 ft around…..a tree trunk. Not really something anyone should own….I just have it. The sound on it is so good that it makes me want to learn the drum. I shook a rattle, that’s as close as I got and it wasn’t very close. I don’t have rhythm and if I do find it…I quickly lose it. But this drum….. The boys didn’t holler at me when I drove in today. Oh ya….a smoothie. That’s what I found in town….a smoothie. Waste of gas. Suitcases were too expensive at stores and not big enough at thrift. Still on the prowl. Signing off at the very quiet YeeHaw Ranch. It’ll be ok.