Hi guys. Anyone miss me? Anyone want an update? 🌞
There has been a suicide on the edges of my world. It’s certainly not the first, but it has affected me the hardest. Like a knife to the heart. It has torn through all my defenses and whisked me back into my old self…..my old world….my old pain. During this time in the history of this planet, we are being taken back into our pasts to wrap up any loose ends….to heal any old wounds still hovering. I guess you could say I have an old wound. I’ve done inner work about my mother issues, my family issues, being beaten; cheated on; told to die by my ex issues……but I forgot to deal with one teeny tiny little thing. My lack of commitment to LIFE. My TO LIVE OR NOT TO LIVE issues. I recently had a healing experience from a Grandmother Shaman. She said I had not yet committed to life. That made my head turn. A new perspective. Whammo…..she was right. I attempted suicide the first time at the ripe OLD age of 13. It was a few years earlier though, that I really checked out on myself. Just flew away. Threw all my spiritual gifts as far as I could fling them, and placed myself in purgatory. It was a world of depression, sadness, aching, need, despair and confusion. THAT…was my life.
Funny how life saying…ok…you wanna die? Die then! ……..can change all that. I came to paradise to heal….with the hopes of healing my sadnesses as well. I’ve had success like a yoyo in that regard. The death thing is fine now….but the mind thing…..yimmy yammy of hell. In fact, I am about to do another jungle medicine to clear more muck from my mind. Actually, it’s not a new one…it’s just understood better. Jesus. People shouldn’t mess around with this stuff if they don’t know!!! Turns out……the KAMBO frog medicine…is more intricate than thought. Also….more capable!!! I witnessed the results of having kambo medicine done in a good way…with a shaman. I witnessed something so profound. I was in the presence of a woman…..and I felt….literally felt that she was different. Clean and shiny. I had spoken to her for ten minutes when suddenly….my spirit recognized it. So I thought yes…maybe the kambo can take away my sadness…..AND keep me alive against viruses and plagues. I was feeling the spirit of the chicken though…..fear was gripping me. After all….the chicken does get its head cut off. Real fear…..and this is a poisonous frog that has no predators!!!! And then……tragedy rippled all the way to Costa Rica. A young teen took her life. A friends daughter. I didn’t know her know her….but in a small way, I was in her world or she in mine. I saw her art. The occasional drawing she allowed her mother to post….all so deep….so so deep. The word reached me and it just hit me like a mountain. I thought of all the typical thoughts….oh God, you were so young! So beautiful!! So much talent! So deep….and as I was saying these things to this sweet dead young girl….I realized I could say them to myself too. I’m worthy to live too! So, I was catapulted down the rabbithole to find out if I did or did not want to live. I am still down here. Deciding. And deciding about the Kambo. It will be different this time. More. At least 3 times….in 3 days. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever CHOSEN to do……and I’m considering more?
I grieved hard again today, only to discover more death. So tragic. So many precious babies never took a breath lately here. Arms ready to hold after the long long wait…are empty. All these deaths are catapulting people into their new lives. Forever different. Death is a wisdom. A teacher. Grief is a teacher as well, without death. I think that’s what we sads suffer from….grief. We are needing something in ourselves, and not finding it. Or, we had it and it was killed off. Even when we like ourselves every now and then, it’s like a façade. We wait for the better Me to arrive. It’s more painful than most physical pains, the pain of wanting to die. You see, it goes against life. Think about it. The body is built with an instinct to live. To survive. Our minds however, can override the autopilot. If you get on a ride at a fair….you can’t get off till it’s done. If all you can think of is, I want off, get me off….it lasts so much longer, or seems to. Life: the teacher. I’m learning that if you Don’t want something real bad….you’ll get it. If you Really want something bad, you won’t get it. It’s about attachment. The need for desire. Take my bugs. The more I want a butterfly to come to me….the more it stays away. I am projecting need energy at the butterfly. It won’t want to come. To get it to come…I need to match its energy. And that my friends, is a matter of deciding NOT to let it matter. Just let things be. Saying it and living it….sometimes not so easy.
Suicide is happening a lot these days. I see that there’s a meditation planned…a fancy one….to raise awareness for suicide. Just stop already. Everyone is aware! Instead, use the money you raise, to do things for people! Start things….to allow folks to express themselves, or to vent, or to shout about their pain. People can’t even tell anyone they are in pain cuz they’re afraid of the consequences. Doctors, hospitals, mental stays. We can’t even talk about it. Not real helpful. The whole world needs to shift. This young girls choice has shifted me. I don’t want to make that choice. I will choose life. I CHOOSE LIFE. It took me 54 years to say that. Blessings to you sweet child. I am so so sorry for your pain. I wish…. I want to say thank you for helping me want to live. Thank you for teaching me that I do. Thank you for your courage in expressing your pain through art. Thank you for reaching. Thank you for all the days you DID stay on the planet!!! I honor you sweet one…..AND…I honor your journey. All of it. Every breath you breathed. Every ache and scream of your heart…and every smile. Every giggle, every twinkle of your eyes. Every tear and every art that poured out of your hands like blood in your veins. I honor your spirit. I honor you.
And as for the tiny babes…I honor you and your energy. I honor the dream of you. I honor the life you had with your sweet mother. I honor the stillness of your breath. Thank you for coming precious wee souls. I saw you!!! You are beautiful! Every soul who knew of you…..honors you. Blessings.
Signing off in Costa Rica where the leaf litter mushrooms are finally arriving….in spits and spurts, I’ve saved some critters (2 just today)and lost some, and it’s sweater time in the evenings now cuz of the rains. PS…my friend, should you see this…my heart cries for you and if you should need insight into a brain that works in this manner….I’m here for you.
Honey. The golden nectar. The SWEET. In the SWEET, by and by. The bee cannot produce honey without a comb to put it in. The tree cannot teach its young what it means to fall, if it does not fall. The water cannot crash without rocks to crash onto. The heart cannot break without having loved. Love cannot break, it has an endless supply of hearts to refill itself. Hunger cannot exist without desire. The sun cannot give warmth if there is nothing to receive it.
If I pray the dolphins are never harmed, the girl who hears of the tragedy of Taijii would never overcome her fears and hermitousness to go help the dolphin. If there weren’t people killing lions and bragging about it, then there wouldn’t be people dedicating their lives to protecting the lions. One cannot exist without the other. The water drop…………must have a floor to hit when it falls or it never feels itself land. Never feels itself splat!!! Never chokes on the feel of the water crashing onto itself. Without dry….the waterdrop would cease………..and would become a part of the water. A part of the mass. Undestinguishable now. Your individual raindropy fragrance has blended and you are now the smell of………………….OCEAN. The coat of many colors. The house of many mansions.
When I die, I want someone to hold me. To touch me. I want someone to touch my hair, my arms, my belly…my feet. I want someone to run their fingers through my hair to cause the shiver me tingles that I’ve known about since I was 2. I am that little girl who knows of a pleasure yet it never ever comes her way. She watches it from afar all the days of her life. When I die, I want to carry her on my back and tickle the chins of baby fawns. When I die, maybe just maybe there will be someone there who really appreciates me. Or…I wait also to die for another option… in case there is no one to care….in case there is just a black space and the brain stops and life ends and no memory ever turns on. Either one, I’ll take either one. No, my friends…I am not wearing a cloak of depression, I have eradicated that from this body, oh no, this is a cloak of disappointment. Of what if’s and wanna beens. When I die, I want that to go away…..tied onto a kite and released into the biggest wind near a black hole I can find….to be hurtled through space magnetically seeking and drawing towards the violet flame of transmutation….and while it searches, beans and milk are found on earth, to feed the masses and my self prepondered woe is forgiven. (Not really Sheri, there’s way more woe than that, your indulgence is egregious)
When I die, I want to be able to stay…just like I am now, with this brain and this heart. I want to have slumber parties and I want to snuggle and cuddle with girls who get me, really get me. Get, means to retrieve, partake, take, glean………yes, they want to partake of me, of who I am. I want to be acknowledged…and vice versa. I want to be with those who love life inside and out but are so affected by it that they are nearly insane. Those are the real ones. I want them. Near me, beside me. Braiding my hair, bathing me, helping me out of the waters where I turn and lift them out as I twirl a strand of hair in my fingers and brush whispys out of our face. I want the sound of giggles and cackles. I want a cradle for my aging bones and a person to swing it to sleep. A chest to lean upon. A breast to suckle, as I bring the milk into my bones, to strengthen my heart, my will, so I can come again to the land of ingratitude and pour myself like honey…….to be slurped and gargled and spit and feathered but with a many lifetime’d weathered smile, as I then push the reset button and die, really die. Never to be thought of again. Death becomes her.
Signing off in Costa Rica where I’m still trying to call in rain, another week or so and my girl arrives and, God has left this hot dry garden but He left a blue dragonfly behind to guard us…no, he was all business and refused a photo. And a PS…I fixed my sewing machine all by myself and google!….so I’m back to the skirts and the ANDs. Soon I will be able to give away all my old clothes and only wear my own designs!!! Lovelove And PSS…sorry, but ya, that is really all thats lacking in my life, therefore thats my heaven and yes I know, heaven is here and yes I know oh GOD…you don’t wanna know what I know, or I’ve read or been told. Jesus, my mind can only take so much of this overflow of misery. I happen to know that all misery is part of the good, but knowing and feeling are not lovers in all ways. 8 billion people….8 billion perceptions on what is life, where do I fit in and how will it end. For those following the Planet X, Nibiru annanuki theory…dunno, it’s up there now, thats a fact. For those following the Arcturian theory…..they say they’ll arrive in March or April to usher in the 5d. For those following the 5d is here already, yup….but then revert to Arcturians arriving in March or April. (Christ consciousness arriving not Christ on a cloud) For those following the bible theory….dunno. For those following the Native theory….many are calling Planet X, the Blue Star Kachina…..and oh ya….feed the damn people already!!! Are you blind????? It’s everywhere!!! Just look for the bones. PSSS….society’s only hope….A, God sweeping in. B, magic. C. Put the girls in charge (Whens the last time God came sweeping in???)