not christmas…..

I looked over at the clock and said to myself…..oh, it’s only 2 oclock! Ya…am. What’s up with that? How on earth did it ever end up……only 2am? I’ve been painting allllll night long. I am soooo blessed to have friends who send me fibers. And I’ve bought some too, of course, but in the past few days, I’ve used gifted fibers from Natalie’s scrapbox’s, Ann Marie’s alpacas, alpaca from Tracy Ross and the most precious……soft baby gray alpaca roving sent as a pay it forward from the newly departed…….not forgotten……Dee Daniels. Dee is gone and her name is never mentioned. I barely knew her….but I wish she was remembered more. My favorite memory of her was a video she made while in the hospital, one of many many times. In this one, she was showing the fibers she had with her. Her precious fibers. Tiny bits of each. Little balls of roving, little piles of curls. She had an oxygen mask on so it was like watching an astronaut….sounded like it too. She was so giggly. So infectious with her giggles….and her giggles were about the fiber. And about Natalie, of course. You couldn’t think of Dee, without thinking of Natalie. Yay, how amazed I am that this internet has been invented that allows all of this. That allows me to meet and fall in love with people from the world….the whole world!!!

Life is different. I look across the room on the floor…my gaze just happens to settle….and I cock my own head, just like I see the dogs do…especially this new Dolly. What I see, is an arm…..to a stuffed toy. Blue never ever tore up his toys. Now they’re in shreds across the house. Just one of many many changes either already happened….or are coming. That word sure has come up a lot this year…shoot, and it’s only February! Oh ya! I no longer use ibuprophen. Get this…….I take turmeric for pain. Yesterday I had a hanging around in the back kinda headache all day, till finally I got myself some water….and took 2. Yup. Headache gone within a half hour I’d say. Plus it’s amazing stuff for the body, so I suggest gabbing a bottle or two or a gazillion. Ok….now it’s nearly 3. Better sleep. Till the morn! Night night. 2:43am = 9 = endings….another word for Change.

When I moved Moonbaby this morning, which I have to do often…to get him out of the cow patty he has laid……the poo area was loaded with thousands of black ants. Not the fireants that Texas is famous for, but they could be biters, I dunno. So….. moved him into the goathouse, then prepared a bath. Took one of the blue plastic bins I use for fiber washing, and put in part hose cold water and carried pots of hot water from the house. Sat him in it to clean up the diarrhea. Not the idea weather for such antics, but the mess is neverending and I couldn’t have the ants on the baby. Carried him into my room then and sat on the floor and used the hair dryer on him for a few hours. Takes forever!!! Carried him back out and laid him in a huge patch of clover. He said, YUM! Only thing is….not sure he’s 100% dry, even after drying for probably between 1-2 hours. Uggh….dunno. Have the playpen dismantled again, just got my room back and some of the hay off the floor. Shoot, I got almost as wet as he did. Ok…problem solved….I carried him back to the goathouse, placed a sweater on him and he’s all situated with feed, hay and water. Yay. And….he’s back to making cow pies.

I’m on pins and needles. Like Christmas….only the opposite. No Christmas Joy. No Jesus Joy either. Just a big ole day…..a huge day that will likely live in infamy within my mind. I’m actually shaking. I’m trying to keep quiet….for the jinx effect…..but on the other hand…..don’t you hesitate to jinx things that You WANT? I want this…yet I don’t. I’m so afraid of so many things right now. I want to speak. I want to scream what’s happening. I want to scream at the top of my lungs…what is happening, what I’m feeling, what I’m living in. With. If you’ve guessed…..yay for you. You’re not nutso…wondering what the crazy spiritual lady is rambling about. Yup……time to take something for this stress. Like NOW. Better. I don’t think y’all understand the depth of my love. I am a human of extremes. Extreme sadness….extreme pain…..extreme strength……and when I love…..well….. I love. I could use some prayer. Thank you. Ok……signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. Ps…………….. my kid don’t believe my words and ain’t no one to back me up. No husband to jump in and say…..actually, she’s right…and then spell it out. First cuz he rarely says this crap when hubby is here, and 2nd cuz hubby don’t say crap. Nigga. I just want to scream…..bout so many things….but nobody will care. Nigga. I am so tired of hearing that word. All flippin day. I too, am called, nigga. Apparently it’s a godly word now cuz it represents both good and bad. Good = friend. Bad = not friendly. Like, what’s up my nigga? Or……Nigga! You get your ass over here! Both, are apparently not in the same ballpark or same dictionary as the real N word. The one with the ER at the end. The one that’s so bad I won’t type it. It’s like….he thinks his wisdom is right and mine is wrong, and there’s no way for me to show him otherwise…..and it just escalates into a screaming match. I’m weary of it. Love him….weary of the struggle. On a positive note…he is still not smoking….he quit for me, when I quit. Yay! Ok….later then.