I am witnessing history. I am watching from aside…my brain as it goes through the motions of what it is going through. I am watching it decide what to do…to be. It is deciding my fate…my absolute and literal fate. Or….I coulda been. Honestly. I watched myself divide and decide what to do with myself and a newly acquired perception. I coulda gone oh so many directions but in the end…I went the way of the me of the now. Nothing changed…just new knowledge to simmer with. That was a choice. It coulda gone so bad. I made that conscious choice to not go the way of the downtrodden. I didn’t go forward though. I did stall a bit by swallowing but I am a very good swallower of information not fit for public consumption. I will give respect to the music. Ye who couldn’t be found, to put me in the funk I so desired…yet delivered contentment in the form of Shiva for an hour…..over and over and over…..one or two lines. In fact, it is working again now as I type to a Ganesha one line chant. Seems to be needed tonight while I shove these feelings under the rug until I sort through them and figure it all out. I know…you don’t understand, don’t know what’s bothering me. Sorry. That will probably be a familiar feeling in the near future. Lots to say…lots I shan’t say. Lord how I hate that. Some necessarily silent and some just so stupidly mysterious when its just a new way of thinking. A new awareness for Sheri. In its most simplistic form…..as I was saying in the last blog, it’s a thought. I can change it. Tonights funny is that I changed it….experienced that and saw where it was going and like a horse…reined it in. Now it’s in the garage. Yes, a metaphorical garage. Goodnight folks…I shall see what dreams these thoughts shall bring. Later. 2:06am = 8 = Infinity. Man, that’s long.
Needs…met and unmet. I made a list of such. In the end, I was gut wrenchingly honest with Summer about life…death…what I want, what I think I want….what I might need. What I thought I wanted. All sorts of stuff. End result? Hmmm, not much different here. One would think that such a discussion would evoke some sort of realization or guesstimation of what to do next. Not. Still floundering around….haha…flounders don’t flounder…they hide on the bottom of the ocean and pull sand over them…much like the blanket I was speaking about. They hide and come out when it’s safe. Reminds me of that clown fish movie. They thought it was safe and they were playing and whammo…..the wife is dead….and dad is now dad to only one baby instead of a hundred. Probably easier though. So many choices….thoughts going on here today…and last night. Todays are more relevant it seems. More in the moment. It all comes down to money. Need of it….lack of it. And then…if I did get the money….what would that do? Would that cure me? And if I was cured….what would that mean? What would be different than now? Why is everything hinged on this mystery day when I get cured? And what if I don’t get cured? Pretty sure I can be…if I wanna be. There seem to be a plethora of choices. Some don’t require much money at all and some cost a friggin fortune…..That would be the cannabis and the Iboga. Ayahuasca doesn’t appear to be too too costly but I gotta say, as time goes by, I get more and more fearful of either of those…aya or iboga. Fearful of getting stuck inside my brain. But death would free that, wouldn’t it? But Lordie…the thought of an insane asylum scares me too much. They don’t care for you at all there. I’m dealing with loss of a belief. I’m also dealing with possible loss of my life on the spinning ball. 2 big things. Beliefs are huge. When one gets shattered…pieces are then picked up, some are glued in place, some are lost under the bed forever, some get kicked under a door, some break so much they no longer fit. So much to deal with….so little time. I can’t even explain….no I can’t. I can’t tell you what I’m weighing out, or my newest possibilities. Not wise. Part of todays analysis was about the fundraiser. Why a fundraiser and what does it do for you Sheri? Well, it would mean that people care enough about me that they don’t want me to die and they send money so I can get better. If they sent the money, what would that mean? That I’m worthy. That I’m loveable. Loveable enough to deserve to be here. Loveable enough to be here whether deserved or not. Why not just plain loveable? Isn’t that enough? But is it? Then what? Ok…so they love me and they send me money and tada…I’m cured. Then what? Then, maybe we just go back to …..life. Experiencing, then sharing, learning, then sharing, Ooooh……maybe a good thing would be that I could stop looking at my art as a way to make money….instead of as ART. Playing with art. Art is supposed to be play. Freedom was the final answer. Apparently I don’t feel free at all. Apparently I feel owned and dictated to. Isn’t that the choice I made when I chose to be safe and to choose a marriage of convenience? Convenient? Ya, ok….bed, shelter, food…..and whatever said conveniencer wants me to have. That has been my bottomline for 14 years. If it fits his needs…then it’s allowed to fit mine. Am I too harsh? Or…am I too truthy? Truth wins. Or loses. Not sure anymore. Well…..I have much more to ponder. Many more holes to poke in my big ball of life so I can see more…have more points of light, therefore more awareness. Night for the moment. And…there is only…the moment…..this one…no this one….no, this one! Love you guys. Signing off with confusion at YeeHaw Ranch.
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