Tag Archive | suicide

Grieving in Paradise…

There has been a suicide on the edges of my world. It’s certainly not the first, but it has affected me the hardest. Like a knife to the heart. It has torn through all my defenses and whisked me back into my old self…..my old world….my old pain. During this time in the history of this planet, we are being taken back into our pasts to wrap up any loose ends….to heal any old wounds still hovering. I guess you could say I have an old wound. I’ve done inner work about my mother issues, my family issues, being beaten; cheated on; told to die by my ex issues……but I forgot to deal with one teeny tiny little thing. My lack of commitment to LIFE. My TO LIVE OR NOT TO LIVE issues. I recently had a healing experience from a Grandmother Shaman. She said I had not yet committed to life. That made my head turn. A new perspective. Whammo…..she was right. I attempted suicide the first time at the ripe OLD age of 13. It was a few years earlier though, that I really checked out on myself. Just flew away. Threw all my spiritual gifts as far as I could fling them, and placed myself in purgatory. It was a world of depression, sadness, aching, need, despair and confusion. THAT…was my life.


Funny how life saying…ok…you wanna die? Die then!  ……..can change all that. I came to paradise to heal….with the hopes of healing my sadnesses as well. I’ve had success like a yoyo in that regard. The death thing is fine now….but the mind thing…..yimmy yammy of hell. In fact, I am about to do another jungle medicine to clear more muck from my mind. Actually, it’s not a new one…it’s just understood better. Jesus. People shouldn’t mess around with this stuff if they don’t know!!! Turns out……the KAMBO frog medicine…is more intricate than thought. Also….more capable!!! I witnessed the results of having kambo medicine done in a good way…with a shaman. I witnessed something so profound. I was in the presence of a woman…..and I felt….literally felt that she was different. Clean and shiny. I had spoken to her for ten minutes when suddenly….my spirit recognized it. So I thought yes…maybe the kambo can take away my sadness…..AND keep me alive against viruses and plagues. I was feeling the spirit of the chicken though…..fear was gripping me. After all….the chicken does get its head cut off. Real fear…..and this is a poisonous frog that has no predators!!!! And then……tragedy rippled all the way to Costa Rica. A young teen took her life. A friends daughter. I didn’t know her know her….but in a small way, I was in her world or she in mine. I saw her art. The occasional drawing she allowed her mother to post….all so deep….so so deep. The word reached me and it just hit me like a mountain. I thought of all the typical thoughts….oh God, you were so young! So beautiful!! So much talent! So deep….and as I was saying these things to this sweet dead young girl….I realized I could say them to myself too. I’m worthy to live too! So, I was catapulted down the rabbithole to find out if I did or did not want to live. I am still down here. Deciding. And deciding about the Kambo. It will be different this time. More. At least 3 times….in 3 days. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever CHOSEN to do……and I’m considering more?


I grieved hard again today, only to discover more death. So tragic. So many precious babies never took a breath lately here. Arms ready to hold after the long long wait…are empty. All these deaths are catapulting people into their new lives. Forever different. Death is a wisdom. A teacher. Grief is a teacher as well, without death.  I think that’s what we sads suffer from….grief. We are needing something in ourselves, and not finding it. Or, we had it and it was killed off. Even when we like ourselves every now and then, it’s like a façade. We wait for the better Me to arrive. It’s more painful than most physical pains, the pain of wanting to die. You see, it goes against life. Think about it. The body is built with an instinct to live. To survive. Our minds however, can override the autopilot.  If you get on a ride at a fair….you can’t get off till it’s done. If all you can think of is, I want off, get me off….it lasts so much longer, or seems to. Life: the teacher. I’m learning that if you Don’t want something real bad….you’ll get it. If you Really want something bad, you won’t get it. It’s about attachment. The need for desire. Take my bugs. The more I want a butterfly to come to me….the more it stays away. I am projecting need energy at the butterfly. It won’t want to come.  To get it to come…I need to match its energy. And that my friends, is a matter of deciding NOT to let it matter. Just let things be. Saying it and living it….sometimes not so easy.


Suicide is happening a lot these days. I see that there’s a meditation planned…a fancy one….to raise awareness for suicide. Just stop already. Everyone is aware! Instead, use the money you raise, to do things for people! Start things….to allow folks to express themselves, or to vent, or to shout about their pain. People can’t even tell anyone they are in pain cuz they’re afraid of the consequences. Doctors, hospitals, mental stays. We can’t even talk about it. Not real helpful. The whole world needs to shift. This young girls choice has shifted me. I don’t want to make that choice. I will choose life. I CHOOSE LIFE. It took me 54 years to say that. Blessings to you sweet child. I am so so sorry for your pain.  I wish….  I want to say thank you for helping me want to live. Thank you for teaching me that I do. Thank you for your courage in expressing your pain through art. Thank you for reaching. Thank you for all the days you DID stay on the planet!!! I honor you sweet one…..AND…I honor your journey. All of it. Every breath you breathed. Every ache and scream of your heart…and every smile. Every giggle, every twinkle of your eyes. Every tear and every art that poured out of your hands like blood in your veins. I honor your spirit. I honor you.


And as for the tiny babes…I honor you and your energy. I honor the dream of you. I honor the life you had with your sweet mother. I honor the stillness of your breath. Thank you for coming precious wee souls. I saw you!!! You are beautiful! Every soul who knew of you…..honors you. Blessings.

Signing off in Costa Rica where the leaf litter mushrooms are finally arriving….in spits and spurts, I’ve saved some critters (2 just today)and lost some, and it’s sweater time in the evenings now cuz of the rains. PS…my friend, should you see this…my heart cries for you and if you should need insight into a brain that works in this manner….I’m here for you.



I……..complete Me

As I lay here in bed this morning giggling…I realized… I was entertaining myself. Like the new food I am eating…..I am really enjoying the one pot wonder…..and I see it reflected back at me. I am a one pot wonder! I am a vessel. We all are. A vessel that holds our consciousness….our soul. I miss people…they are not around me often enough…Thursdays, I see people on Thursdays….however….I am finding that my own company is really rather entertaining. Instead of the whiny putmedowns…..I have a feeling you will find me telling you of magical parts of me instead. It is as if a cover had been thrown over me…..to protect me from the harsh winter…..and now spring has arrived and the cover has been thrown off and I am stark naked….under the sun. Ahhhh……I was born that way ye know! The sun…..so thrilled to see me…..comes and wraps himself around me…..touching me. Skin only touched by human hugs and this touch…the kiss of the Sun. Let’s say I’m a rose….as God said. Ok…..I have been born….i am naked…..I am a rose. Ah wait……I am more than a rose. I am veins…….oooooooh….roots!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I always wanted roots! I create my own grounding roots, but veins…………..oh my……roots of a different color. Vein roots don’t join the mother…..they live only in me. My roots. Roots. They are so rainbowy!!! (the name of my new business btw, is Rainbow Roots)…………….by rainbowy, I mean diverse. Big ones, little ones, tall ones, flat ones, blue ones, red ones….heart ones, brain ones. My favorite person ever born…my PapPap………had a brain tumor. It arrived while I was in the belly. He was able to live 20 more years because his veins….his roots….helped. They rerouted themselves around the tumor, and forged another path. A path that let him live.


I am blood! I am womans blood. Bolder and stronger than the lion in winter. Ah whatdya know….I can even tell ya now why that saying exists!!! The lion in winter. The lion is known for its roar….as THE king. So, what would the difference be between winter and summer?  In summer, its hot. Lay around and rest hot. In winter, the cold brings a friskiness that sparks sparks and wakes up cells. That’s when the animals play. My life has shown me this truth. Just because I was dipped in the extreme challenges tank before I was sent to my mothers womb, doesn’t mean that this LION isn’t within me….within this rose. She is. She grows new leaves and tendrils and shoots and she rises daily…toward the light she strives…leans…focuses. What does that mean????? It means the good. The Godly. The natural. Nothing against the human inventions…..it’s just that I…….and I….follow the FatherMother spark that creates all. I do not have to strive to be seen by them…by the light. It either touches me…or it doesn’t. And it does. Boy howdy, it does. Sometimes I feel singled out….precious amidst the other weeds and seeds. I wonder….why does He bless me so? Why do I feel like a cradled babe tenderly rocked, tenderly shown the wonders…..the magic….of the Kingdom. I live in the most magical of places……..My mind and the dimensions it escorts me to……and I house my body in what some would call paradise. I have learned though, that paradise is…………to each his own. What is paradise to me is hell to others, and vice versa. So……why is God showing me special consideration? He’s not. I just pay attention and I have my hand in His, so when He moves….I move. Simple. Not easy. I really do think it’s that simple. I listen to the tiny whispered voice inside. I follow it.








It’s like this. Imagine you are in the woods with friends. They place a blindfold on you and spin you around. You don’t know anything now. All you know is you are there…..and your friends were there….and you’re in the woods. You can’t see. Which way should you go? Should you go? Should you stand there forever frozen like a tree? Be like a tree? No……you’re human…you need to go!!! To explore! I follow the familiar vibration….feeling. Oh………hmmmm…….feels kinda cold….go back. Yes. It’s very much like the games of children. Where we are getting colder or warmer as we zero in on our target. We practiced for years…we know how to do this!!! My God doesn’t have a picture in my head. No clue what my God looks like. Just know there is one. A being who watches over me and steers me…..I hang on His hem. And Jesus….well, he and I are close. I don’t say a prayer without putting it in his name. To be honest, I started doing that out of fear awhile back. Cover my bases ye know? Now I know what I’m doin. YAY….did I actually just say that? HA. Yes. I am coming into mySELF. My Divinity. And if you say I have none….I’d respectfully have to disagree. I am a thread in the garment of GOD. That makes me Divine. My thread…is gold. No question about it…but not a typical gold….a rainbow gold. My gold. Between us.


So….I am a vessel with blood and roots. And…..since I am a rose….then I am the flower as well. Take it even one tiny step further and I am a light being…..a lightpost…..therefore….I am even my own SUN. I am…..complete. IAM……a one vessel wonder……..and I am expanding…like my chakras did today, a full bloom is beginning. Oh to be alive in such a time as this!!!! To be alive……………and to be able to share the wonder…………..across the globe in an instant. I am truly blessed. Signing off at Quebradas, Costa Rica where the jungle wants to gift you to turn your frown upside down, the parrots fly overhead in large noisy groups, and gardeners have NO RESPECT for mushrooms!!!!!  Lovelove



I am matter and I am perfect. I am perfect and I matter. You say I am not perfect? Who say? They say. Who is they? I. I say wrong. I say error. I say hoax. Listen to me now. I want to share a new way of thinking. What is matter and antimatter? Everything ever created is….matter. And if it was created,….it mattered. Everything not created yet…is antimatter. (took em thousands of years to figure out the yin to that yang, go figure) So look out at the night sky. The vastness of it all. The antimatter of it all. And then look at yourself. God created every single cell in your body. As a sculptor, I know what this entails…..to the minutest degree possible. I know that with 7 or more billion people on the planet and none looking exactly alike….that the designer is one who cares immensely. Each human, a work of art. Each animal, a work of art. Each plant, flower, star, bug, rock, raindrop, grain of sand, wisp of wind. All of these are the fruits of God, His beauties…lovingly created with precision and detail so extreme it affects a hundred years. A sculptor must insert every single hair on the head of her creation. Imagine….arms, legs, belly, back….and even chinny chin hairs for us Crones to prove we have wisdom! (3rd eye antenna!) So yes, God does know how many hairs are on your head…..so…….why then…….is it ok……for us to trash HIS ART??????


If I were to go to Iraq and lasso me one of those Isis people…………….tie him up, strip him of his peers…give a bit of time for life to fall off of him…………he will become weary. When he becomes weary, he will break. Break free of the mindset he has been keeping. Now….ask him. Why do you think it’s ok to kill these people? Why is it ok to cut off their heads and to cause so much fear? His answer will be…..because nobody cared about me. This caused an anger. Like a grain of sand that got under his fingernail….it festered. Every thing. Every fear. Every loss. Every dream. Every harm. All comes to love. Were you loved enough? For long enough? Well enough? Truly enough? Deeply enough? Thoroughly saruratedly enough? Enough? The right kind? The right color? (maybe you are loving that with red when it is begging for pink…..ie, intensity) Perhaps we need lessons on love? Love is…..seeing someone. Love is…….listening. Love is….buying peoples chairs….love is…….holding hands during fears…….love is…..saying the truth even if it hurts….love is….seeking each others dreams….love is….saying no. Saying yes. Giving a damn to bother with either a no or a yes. Love is…..a touch. I don’t know if the new generation has been made aware of what was discovered about love and babies. Once upon a time, this was big news. It was discovered at an orphanage. The babies who were not held or cuddled or loved in any way….died. Once they figured this out, they began to touch all the babies. I was not in an orphanage, but I was not touched. I was not hugged. Which brings us to…..perfection again. How can it be that an untouched baby dies and that is perfect? Well….if that baby had not been born, had not been untouched, and had not died with a witness, then another baby would have died. And another. That one babys created life….mattered…..even if only for a few weeks or months, hours or days. So is it ok that the baby was not touched? Yes. Is it ok that I wasn’t touched? Yes. Everything is ok. Everything is a teacher. Paris is a teacher. SandyHook is a teacher. Syria is a teacher. Everything is written in the book of life………one day I hope we get to read it.


Cancer is a teacher. Did you just spend months and months of quality one on one time with your family member? Do you now have memories to carry you? Did you learn anything about the strength of the soul you just helped to release? Did you learn anything about yourself? Did your loved one leave this awesome planet….KNOWING he/she was loved? Death is a teacher. Impending death is a teacher.  While I’ve been inside impending death, I’ve been taught more than when I was just inside life. Life is tame….death is the dance. The death of one is food for another. The death of one is the rise of another. The death of one is the sweet relief of another. While I was trying to stay alive….I learned how to die. While I was learning how to die…..I lived.


Being abandoned is perfection….it leads to being found. Being ignored is perfection….it leads to birthing proof of yourself. Being beaten is perfection….it leads to compassion for others. You see, prayer is difficult when you see the webs……the cobwebs…..the lace work of God. What to pray for? That leads to that, which touches that, which bounces off that and goes there………how does one pray in a world of matter and antimatter….swimming in a world of perfection? I say, one learns to love what is already here…..the matter. It’s here, it matters. And then…….ponder your life. What would you like to do with it that you’re not doing? What did you dream when you were a child? Well…..when you know….when you have remembered…..reach out….grab some of that antimatter that’s just sitting in front of your face…and make something with it! Create! You are a mini god…..so go be godlike! You are the co-director of your life……write some lines! Stage some scenes.…and don’t forget to write yourself in some change of scenery!


Still………..not all feels perfect. Back to that bible……..wisdom  brings pain thing…… I now know that plant life…..is alive like we are alive. It is born, it breathes, it dies. Trees, plants, flowers, grass, moss, etc…….all alive. Are they conscious? I think so. How to eat that? How to landscape that? I hear the gardener and I wonder if on another dimension there are screams being heard. Or maybe here, in this dimension…..but the screams are at a frequency so high we can’t hear, like a dog whistle. Or the cows…. Or the childrens books that show the animals families so happy……while that child eats said animal for dinner. BUT…………the mere fact that I am saying this IS INDEED perfection…….God made me this way…..breathed the words right into my design. Which means He also breathed the words of the murderer into design. Today there is a video going around the world of a little boy being told that the flowers and candles were to protect him from the bad guys. We would not be seeing that video…..people would not be learning that lesson from that particular babe….had there NOT been the devastation in Paris. To every thing there is a reason and a season. Knowing this…………….I await my reason…..and my season. Signing off in Costa Rica where the dogs wouldn’t dare, most deliveries are made by motorcycle drivers who know how to dive and slide, and white people leave their trash and the ticos sell it to the next white people who come. Recycle baby! But what I realllllllly want to say is this…………………..IF I Can care soooo deeply about the plants screaming………………that they matter to me!!!!………….they why oh why………….did I not matter? Where was the love? I want some. Send me some. Thankyou. And so what if I’m different…I’m perfectly different. PS…what you focus on…is what you see. 

(Look at these 2 photos for the WHY

Ok Enjoy…here’s today’s gifts…

And it begins folks…right side middle…the waterdrop web  

I divorced my family….and they let me….seeking familia

As I squat down upon the earth, focusing my eyes with laser precision at the momentary target, be it a bug so tiny a grain of rice would squish it or a mushroom bending with the weight of the dewdrop it is trying to carry on its own……my thoughts go so often to the place of gratitude, of knowing that this moment is happening just for me. Me and me alone. God and I, are playing. We are so intune with each other that I hear the tiniest of etheric notes…or am pulled….oh ya, that’s more like it…I am pulled by an energy. Let me explain. There is a route I typically walk on my mushroom excursions each day. BUT……since God and I are playing, it doesn’t always happen in my order. No. I am led by that energy………another analogy is that God and I are connected by a thread. When He wants to show me something special….he pulls my thread in that direction. I don’t allow myself to doubt anymore. I just do. I follow that golden thread….and I’m certain it’s golden. That seems to be our color. He painted that tiny mushroom gold, then the tiny strip of dirt in a fairytalesque mushroom scene another time, and there was one more I’ve forgotten…..oh ya, the dead butterfly wing. Today….He wanted to show me bugs. Teeeetiny bugs.  Ooooooooh……ya!!! Squeal! And today, just for this right here….see, He’s so thorough…..was a gold painted bug!!! I’ll show ya!!!


I don’t even remember doing it, but apparently I brought a string of lapis lazuli with me. I found them the other day and wrapped them on my wrist. Saged them first of course. Very strong energies. Within an hour, I had basically divorced my family….publically.  On Facebook. Very soon after, the energy was so strong I switched it to my throat chakra as a choker. I’ve been juggling it between my throat and my receiving hand(wrist) a few days and now it has balanced and is wearable. Bet you’re wondering why I did that thing though, huh? Well, here’s the deal. I was born to change the world. I’m stepping up. One step at a time. I identified a thing that was causing me pain…..in the moment. Rather like when one touches fire or gets a cut……..you know it’s happening. When spiritual pain is happening, it’s more subtle…like the frog in the cold water slowly brought to boil. So…..I have evolved and I saw the stove fire on!!! Realized I was in the water and said, oh hell no!!! Iam getting out of the friggin water!!! I made the post and it went as well as the entire life with this family……..only 2 people responded. One, to say….why did you do this to ME? And another to say she was sorry the yearly sister trip was upsetting me….I could go if I wanted. How old am I folks? 54. So….I responded back that it didn’t appear I had been wanted but if they extremely wanted me….I’d consider it. Nope. Nada. If they never wanted me as a sister, then how could they suddenly extremely want me as a sister?  See…the logic is off. Oh well. It was a last ditch effort. Wow………………….when you die and get that montage of life events? I just had that….it was all about life with my family. It leaves me with the Harry Potter in the closet feeling…..waiting for magic to saturate my bones, and blood. Feeling the kundalini rise as it rises again and again within itself, like a fountain….pushing with force because it can do no other thing but to be…..a fountain. Yup, me…….the weed pushing up in the concrete in the city. Wait! It’s in the forest now. The weed and the dirt. I am placing us there. Wanted……….so no longer a weed. A flower now. a Rose, riding the snake. Haha….I do get dramatic! ( I wonder how many have a clue what in the heck I just said) In my defense…..today there was a snake. He had the tiniest head of any snake I’ve ever seen in my life and I was so amazed by that fact that I forgot to be afraid of her. She stopped with her head up….she did NOT have to, coulda slithered fast away. I thanked her for coming. Which calls for another haha…..cuz she came…from basically at my feet. Like I almost stepped on her. Been finding snake skins everywhere. Pieces. Yup. I too am transforming again and again. I am really enjoying this person typing. I have moments…….actual moments when I think…………oh shit. That’s it. I am enlightened now. Ya ya ya, I know it’s a series of those but I mean really realllly reallllllly enlightened. Like holy shit……which then goes to…..crap, I don’t wanna be here then. Or…..crap….I don’t like that outcome or crap….I won’t give that up………which then leads you back to the nice shady tree you’re sitting under. Make sure it’s a good tree. A favorite tree cuz you’re gonna be here awhile. And for those who did not get the underlying currents of my words just now………………..shady tree means back in the dark, no longer in the light, thus no longer enlightened. It is a circle that they say does end but I just got in so I dunno yet. Yes, I just said that. Said that I was in the same circle as those who were high in the energies of enlightenment. How cool is that? I owe most of that to….A. Aya and Amma.


 I remember 2 summers ago. Going to see Amma after just being told I was dying. I wanted her to see me soooo bad. I envisioned it. I saw her see me. I mean see me. There’s only one human on the planet who even comes close and even she doesn’t see my deep deep. No…no cigaro.  Amma did however. She did see me. I felt it. I felt it in the Amma hug that felt longer than most……..yes, I have a need to feel special……perhaps it stems from feeling like you’re shit. Felt it in the mantra she gave me and the promise to carry me through to enlightenment no matter how many lifetimes it takes. That’s what getting a mantra from Amma means. It’s a commitment. I feel her lifting me. She helps me go up the rungs of the ladder out of the dark hole. Like my childhood nightmare…….perhaps life was the nightmare ….the black hole….and what I sought……a hand, a rope, a way out……is happening now. Pulling me up…..towards the light. Example….today I was very sanely allowed to dip into a moment of sadness and then very quickly whisked right up and out with a smile………by me. I and I. (and ayahuasca too)

I see daily that I am not alone in one regard. I see that inside many or most or all of us…..is a thing that insists that we save the world. That we are being called.  I used to think I was nuts and grandiose. Now it’s as common as apples. So many apples and so many kinds of em too. I see that every week at the market. Then there are even fruits with the apple in their name only, not in their body…..but still…..they attach to the apple energy. Otherwise known as lightworkers or blue waves, etc, plenty of us coming out of the closets…So, if this many feel called….does it mean we come preprogrammed that way? We are each inside a body that does that? Or…does it mean that the plan calls for that many for this day and time? Like, did the majority of people feel this way during every civilization? Me thinks not. Me thinks it’s us….and its now and we each have a role to play in this cosmic game. Let us each be brave enough to BE. Signing off in Costa ya baby Rica……where it rains in the rainforest, where winter meets spring at Christmas which is cherished and adored, and snakes stop and say howdy do. Oh……to be an Ambassador here! Let me in!!! LoveLove.

PS…… “Without the depths….we wouldn’t know the oceans.”  


Did Jesus die for you?

The only reason Jesus died on the cross, was so we would remember his name. Crucifixion has been used throughout the ages, and it was horrific enough to be decided upon as a memory event. Probably the trickiest slight of hand in all of mankind. It worked. Sort of. The story, centered on the crucifixion and the sacrifice……..diverting drastically from Jesus’s main message, . His real message….was who we are and what we can do. What the human body is capable of in all of its intricately beautiful machinations. We are designed for full experience of emotions, of love, of life. Life vs death….and we too can do miracles…..when we BELIEVE we can. Now that I know this…I have a new perspective on heaven. If we are alive in heaven….then what’s the goal here? What’s the bonus here that isn’t in heaven? The emotion? Well, that would mean that heaven is full of mechanical unemotional beings. How does love live there? I question these things. I don’t question the Jesus thing. I am absolutely certain of that. He came….to show. Well, rather like in the airplane….the stewardess(Idonotcarethattheyarenowcalledattendants) used to stand up front and show us all the things our airplane was equipped with….to help us out while we were there. Things that would give us an edge…cuz we knew….little tips. Like, hey, this is handy to know, your seat cushion can be used as a floatie!!! Ya……instructions on being human. Jesus was the instruction booklet. Ya….that’s how to say it! Oh….and heaven is a way station. Ya…a pun.

I have just made a realeyesation that I will not share. Feels like it would be a really dumb move if I did, so nope….my trap is shut, HOWEVER, this realization has just explained a quirk of mine that goes all the way back. All the way to early childhood. Actually folks….its more like 3 quirks….that I can now see are related. 3 things that I did daily…..that have contributed to me now….and to a purpose grandiose. Well, the sleeping people would call it grandiose….the awakening ones would call it……….Holy shit. I could be wrong. Testing commences immediately. Haha…..God just gave me a mustard seed for Giants!!! You see, my new knowledge is against the grain. Against advice too. Therefore…….the conditioning that I have received my entire life…..won’t be able to work on me anymore. Next time I have that limiting thought….it will be immediately replaced with the new stuff.

(Top photo….mycelium)

You see, I feel rather funny constantly telling you guys all these neat little coolass things I’ve done with my mind or with animals or birds or bugs. I tell you these things over and over for a very good reason! I too…..am trying to be an instruction booklet. I just did a coolass thing a few minutes ago. If you were here, you’d probably call it a miracle. It is my life. It can be yours. I wanted a hummingbird to come, so I intended it and I sang. She came within the 2nd line of verse and after a quick sip, she turned and looked at me…..her wings all spread and all aflutter. She said…here I am!  I was stunned. I was still singing and she stayed. Why am I shocked? Society dumbs me down daily. Yet….I see hope. There are things……that society would consider impossible….that I KNOW are way more than possible………and apparently they have reached hundredth monkey status and are floating past the people now. I was stunned last night to see 2 sets of goat people from my past….both staunch Christians with that point of view only………..thinking with an enlightened type of thought. Yes and yay!!! By the way…speaking of hope…….I’ve told you how and why God named me Rose when He rebirthed me…….but have I told you the why of the 2nd name? Hope? It’s a no brainer. I am….to give hope. To bring hope. To offer it. To saturate you with it. I am a flower. A rose, who carries hope on her petals. I leave droplets. I, who tried to commit suicide untold times for 38 long long years…..is now a giver of hope. I, with severe depression…..live as many moments of joy as are given me because…………its not time for my death yet…..I am a giver of hope.

If you are a Christian….I mean no harm. I was under that category once upon a time as well. I was not satisfied with that religion and it’s lack of answers….which is why I just wanted to die. Nothing made sense. I had different ideas in mind for what the world should be and it didn’t stand up to my standards. I was a very sad child. That’s cuz ReLiGion spun the world up into a tight yarn. A Very tight yarn. It’s unraveling now. I am one of the ones pulling the string. Help me. Religion divides as sure as the water split way back when. Mine is better than yours…….mine is more powerful than yours….and give me all your money. Oh but guess what? It’s all ok. Even the destructive nuance of religion has its purpose. Division…….allows for connecting. Undivision.

And now…I become the student. Oh…..i made a phrase the other day. “when the student is ready….the teacher will Become”. Only I……..at this moment in life……and any other who preceded me………………………………………………..know what the heck that means. It’s a helluva statement folks. Made more so for me personally…….cuz I experienced it myself and know of it’s validity. Holy shit!!!! Like I said….I can’t tell you everything….but surely……………knowing it’s reachable……doesn’t that give you hope? Student me is really struggling. My thread or the bobbin……..is not correct on my sewing machine and my creativeness is in limbo! Landlady is back from her Indonesia trip and she tried to help…..alas/yay…..it will lead to something perfect! I can tell you this already….after one taking in 2 skirts and beginning a designed one and being forced to stop………I don’t think patterns and I get along. Guess that’s why I’m a designer….not a pattern maker. This may or may not be related( I hear she sews!!!) , but I have just hired a cleaning lady. Go friggin figure. Me! This will help with the landlady……and…….she will kill the bugs that need to go. I simply do not. I guess I’m somewhat Buddhist. The baby spiders……………………………….did I tell you some lived? AND….there’s another nest too on the other side of the bed! They are biting me on my head….neck. Crawling on me again, so we asked her to make an emergency clean……..can I last till Thursday or Saturday? Dunno.

So…….for any who think I will be damned to hellfire for my words today…….me and Jesus are like this……………..’she crosses fingers’. Signing off in Quebradas CostaRica…..where the people love their families, critters get drunk on cacao (aka chocolate), and the mushrooms are beautiful, friendly, prolific, hostage taking, cruel and most awesome killers. If you are not aware…..and why should you be…….in my photos…..when you see white……….that my friends….is mushroom. Mycelium. Actually…..i take so many photos, that the odds of you seeing a photo with just mycelium in it…..is rare….but still. ON the trees, the sticks….just keep your eye out when looking at the photos. LoveLove


 So…did Jesus die for your sins…Or did he die to wake you up? 

the difference in our sameness……CostaRica vs Texas

I guess I am a jetsetter now. By that….I mean sitting in jets going back and forth between Texas and CostaRica. First let me say that it cost one friggin hundred dollars if your bag is overweight. Ya. I’m serious. With United. Due to that, I got to see how the CLASS system works. I was offered a cheaper option to my dilemma….so I took it and I got to fly FIRST CLASS for my first time ever. Unfortuately, it was the tiny flight from Austin to Houston, but still….I did it. So funny that everything in life is separated by class. The rich…the middle…..and the poor. Period. Actually, not funny at all. It needs must stop. Lol, I’ve always loved that line. The wonder of it…..is it allowable in the English language? Hahhaaa. Well, it was short so I don’t know about food or comfort really…but I can say this. Huge mega foot room…huge arm rests where you don’t touch each other….drinks while loading and any time during flight…coat rack. Yup…..a coat rack. Prime invitation to forget it. Better? Yes. Worth the hundreds of dollars different? NO.

When you jet, it’s hard to adjust to where you are. I guess if you do it constant you adjust? 2-3 times a year though, wow. I was stressing about getting milk before the stores closed upon arrival to CostaRica last night. Oops…..I drink box milk here. During the night, when I needed to pee, I started to get out of the wrong side of the bed. In the morning, I didn’t want to step on the dog. Hmmm. No dog. Juggling this life and that life…..is weird. They are so frigging different. Night and day….light and dark. CCContrast baby. Is way more than shadow and light. IN America, only in the country….do people wave. Here, the beep beep and hand waves of the bus driver as he passes by the people each hour. Same bus, same guy….all day long they say HI. And the little child, holding onto the CostaRican thiefshelter metal bars surrounding her house….sees my smile from within the bus and then my wave. She smiles and waves back then turns to her Grandmother and says something like….she sees me, she sees me!!! I wait, staring forward, then…as the bus pulls away….another perfectly timed wave and mouth wrinkler to seal the deal and wala….one child experienced a moment of joy……of being seen. So simple. So needed.

I’ve tried unsuccessfully to share with you my views on the driving here. I don’t know how to explain it with its full juice. I do NOT know the reality….the laws here…….what I know is how it feels to me and it feels to me like there are no road/driving laws. None. Feels like none…..feels like none are needed because the people are intelligent beings who comprehend what is needed….and they act accordingly. 9 months…I’ve seen one wreck. I am not scared. Haha….oh…..I should tell you about my day now. Ran out for a couple minutes to see the baby mushrooms that had sprouted before I left. I loved them. Chunky fat stems and no top. I adored them. Whoa. They are grown adults in 3 weeks time. Then caught that bus I told you about. It’s Sunday. I only had a tiny bit of local money and 1 $20 bill and 1 $100 bill.  Most stores won’t take US money. Especially not a 100.  Short story….. during my frustration, I was pointed to a clothing store who cashes money!!!!! Yeehaw! Flower in a junkyard!!! Ok. Oh…..and I am tired. Everything made me drag. Don’t think it’s the illness, just stress and travel. I think that illness is either gone or at bay. Oh ya……at Customs, when the lady was so non smiling and scarylike asking why….why are you here again??? Damn! Because I am alive here Lady!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There….I’m dyin. Ugggh……I am should NOT be a contraction!!!!! EVER!@^&*$%$!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Back to my day……………time to go home from town now. Bus not gonna work today cuz I’m too tired and its Sunday schedule. Stupid icloud issues and now I can’t call my short distance taxi guy and am forced to walk up to the line of taxis and say……………..English? English, yes!!! I go to it. Quebradas please. How much? 4 dollars. Hmmm. Should be 8. My first clue. I think it was God giving me a kind lesson in being in my own power. Guy goes a direction I don’t know. Hmmm. Ok. He knows better than me. Oh boy. No. Four times I say…no…wrong way! Wrong way. I don’t know this. Finally I say take me back to town. He does, but it took a bit to even know that cuz I did not pay attention on the roads. THEN….I show him, the TICO taxi driver…..where Quebradas is. By then his meter is higher than I will pay. I explain how much I should give him. I hand him 10,000 colones. He hands me 2 mil. NOT. I grab my green bill back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahaha!!!! Then I PULLED the right money from his hand. He say….good? We good? Hahahahahahaaaaa. Welcome home!!!  I am so giggling right now.



Another contrast. Christmas here starts Nov. 1. Seriously starts. Where in America it’s uggh, do they have to start the decorations now? The commercials now? Here…..it is a season. They are preparing their stores and it is window shopping time. So precious. I love these people. I hear there’s a fair in February………..can’t wait for those contrasts!!! One thing is the same here however…….today I saw a woman reach with full purpose for an odd size box set on the street for trash pickup. It was one swift smooth motion of pure knowing…..knowing that that box would be absolutely perfect for what she needed. I heard the man. My mouth wrinkler gwent south when I looked behind me and saw her cross that street empty handed. Why do people not allow others to be sure of themselves???? Let her take the damn box! What would it hurt? Oh well. Change takes effort. And………………I am home safely in my little cabina. Just trying to catch my breath and rest….sleep is going to come to me peacefully tonight…..she is. Oh…..you all missed the spider saga. I told them before I left I was coming back and would be removing their webs. Damn. A web of babies a couple inches from my head. I asked for prayers and I had a conversation with her myself and she didn’t move….so I took a plastic knife and wrapped a nice piece of mohair wool on it, explained what I was about to do and that I needed to claim my space. Very sorry. I twirled that knife like cottoncandy and she jumped off. Damn. I showed her in my mind where I put the babies but she went too slow and a lizard found them first. Lo siento. Mas lo siento. Today was all about finding my power within instead of reverting to old action of frustrated tears. Even that was a contrast. The oh no!!!…. To the Oh yay! Signing off here in Quebradas where there is now another taxi driver who knows where Quebradas is, the mushrooms love me, and it’s Christmas! I’ll have to buy myself gifts. :=))  Lovelove MamaSheri with Sunshine inside……hmmm……might ponder the Christmas present thing. PSSS…………….pray for the world.


MOTHERS…………………..deep Heinz 57 roots

The jack of all trades construct that I’ve been given for this life, has always been a contentious thorn. Do I weep that I don’t have that ONE thing to pour all of myself into……or do I rejoice that I am so diverse, like the 57 flavors in the Heinz ketchup. All 57 flavors are needed. If it were only 56, it would not taste like Heinz. Seems to me they both illicit tears. One because I can’t be like the OTHERS cuz I don’t have that ONE thing….and TWO because I am so diverse, so spread out that I can’t go as deep as I would like with all of my roots. Do you not understand? If I was a singer….all I’d have to do is sing! And all that went with it…..learning lyrics, getting over fear of public spaces, building your voice, deciding your style, finding a teacher, marketing yourself or finding a label. Sounds pretty daunting right? Right. Now substitute me in there. Writer, artist, prophet, medicine woman, poet, teacher, hopeless broken doll, photographer, nature life chaser, wool artist, …….and see….that right there proves my point. I wasn’t even done when I had to do a duplicate. Artist………………….all friggin kinds man, what kind you want? Then there’s the Writer…………………fairy tales, books, short stories, childrens stories, blogs, essay/articles, poems, business names…..and on and on.

What if however, I were to look at it from a different position. Say, standing up, on a hill, looking over a tree but beyond the sunset. Now. Let’s look. Let’s really look. What could cause such a diversity in spirit. In mind. In heart. Rather like fracturing the heart into many splintered pieces…all part of the whole, but each in its own unique shape, as a puzzle piece would be….where it can be refitted if lost.  Like a Trinity analogy I heard recently…………God, Holy Spirit, Son, is likened to  Water…..   frozen, steam, and  liquid. I guess God would be the Frozen, Holy Spirit the liquid and Jesus the steam.  Yup…..awesome and thankyou whichever movie told me that….oh….i think it might have been the Documentary with the comic about God. Ok…I digress. So…what else is as diverse as me? Motherhood! A mother has to be everything! To all people! Ahhhhh, I see. Lol. So now I can actually feel like a true Mama. Yes. MamaSheri……didn’t feel like a mama. Only to animals. That’s where the name came from ye know. I was mama to all the goats and pups…we had over 120 critters at one point. I was Mama. I didn’t get to raise either of my born children and I lost close to ten in miscarriage…..oh God….just realized that word……..mis………….carriage. Mis as in mistake, misfired. And carriage….carrying the seed. Recently it occurred to me that I was not a mother. Or a mama. I shouldn’t go by that name. But I am a mama. I am a mama to the world, in my mind. I pray for the world as if it were my children. I send it love. I say I love you. I send water where water is needed, and arms where hugs are cried desperately for. I send freedom to those held captive. I pray for you. I lose sleep for you. I cry for you. I want for you. Yes, these are all mother attributes. I am a mother. I am Mama. Oh…and I send healing for your booboos. Ya, that’s a mama. I wrestle with who I am…what to call myself, as you know. I guess this will suffice it……………………I am Sheri…..I am MamaSheri….I am RainbowFeathers….I am MissSheri….I am MamaWillow…I am Rose. I am RoseHope. (Rose and Hope are names given me by GOD himself…..the Rose, when I was born….in 1998….and Hope, during Winter Solstice Experience 2006, when He was showing me what He expected from me.) I see it now. That whole experience was intricate and delicate and perfectly balanced and critically needed on planet earth. I was a tool. A vessel. But see….that’s just it. I was a vessel. I stepped up when I heard the still small voice. I did and it’s a part of my Heinzness. I AM….all of these things and they each make up a piece of me. My uniqueness. I will preach on this till the cows not only come home…….but also till they have the next batch of babies who get lost and they go looking for them so they can come home again. And again and again. There’s a special blog about this….i keep hinting at it. I will write it from CostaRica. Gosh I want to shorten that word so badly. Can’t I just call it Costa  or Rica????

So I wonder. How many people are out there feeling like I have been….that I’m too scattered to be any good? Well, shift the view a bit k? Think of how much a mother is able to accomplish and it should zip you right up. Like today. I came across an old crystal heart…labradorite…..perfect timing for me to have it. I wanted it near me…like as a necklace. Hmmm. I shall become a wire wrapper and make myself a pendant. See……….this is how I think….instead of going out and hiring a wire wrapper, I become the wire wrapper. So really and truly folks……………I am makeshift. Whatcha need? I can often figure it out. It is Rainbow mentality….my choice of words…..based on what I interpreted the Rainbow Gathering persona to be about. Make what you need with what is around you. The irony is….I am now a Rainbow Healer. Maybe THE Rainbow Healer for all I know…….and rainbows surround my life like…well, like rainbows. See? Another aspect of me popped up. Yes….I am as diverse as the rainbow…with all it’s different colors. Did you know they say the colors we have on earth are not all the colors? Like we got a half empty 64 crayola box!!! Bummer man. I wanna see the rest. I once made a really bad painting of …..well, let me describe it exact. Starting at the left we see the old white haired face of God with his mouth in BLOW position….then to his hand which he is blowing his holy BREATH on……and in his hand are three tiny balls of paint. Red, yellow and blue. Primaries. The wind of the breath hits the primary color balls and splat…………………..many tiny color balls fill the air until they congeal at the far right of canvas with……a sky, rocks and sea scene, complete with dolphin. Which just aha’d a thought……the breath. The breath makes it come alive. Like the WORD. Hmmm…lemme ponder more And I’m done apologizing and saying sorry for my grandiosity of self…..as you can see………it balances out with the self flagellation.

I wrote a piece that I’d planned to send to Elephant Journal but my self esteem wasn’t high enough so I posted it on Facebook instead since I thought it was really really good stuff and shoudn’t be missed. It was barely received at all. I get more compliments about a dog or anything really. I read it aloud to Cathy today and she cried all the way through. It was received as intended. She says it’s cuz she heard it instead of reading it. I’m thinkin on this. Cuz if you weren’t touched by what was written…………….then you didn’t understand the words perhaps. I use big words. Old words. I’m 54. Old. I’ll ponder it. They……are calling for more floods. I gotta get the heck outta here. Signing off near Austin, Tx….where the rain is scarce till it isn’t, the seasons meet each other in a day and the mushrooms are bland……except for the pretty tiny orange ones. ooooh….Crica!  costa + rica!  lol.  Lovelove