Tag Archive | kambo

Grieving in Paradise…

There has been a suicide on the edges of my world. It’s certainly not the first, but it has affected me the hardest. Like a knife to the heart. It has torn through all my defenses and whisked me back into my old self…..my old world….my old pain. During this time in the history of this planet, we are being taken back into our pasts to wrap up any loose ends….to heal any old wounds still hovering. I guess you could say I have an old wound. I’ve done inner work about my mother issues, my family issues, being beaten; cheated on; told to die by my ex issues……but I forgot to deal with one teeny tiny little thing. My lack of commitment to LIFE. My TO LIVE OR NOT TO LIVE issues. I recently had a healing experience from a Grandmother Shaman. She said I had not yet committed to life. That made my head turn. A new perspective. Whammo…..she was right. I attempted suicide the first time at the ripe OLD age of 13. It was a few years earlier though, that I really checked out on myself. Just flew away. Threw all my spiritual gifts as far as I could fling them, and placed myself in purgatory. It was a world of depression, sadness, aching, need, despair and confusion. THAT…was my life.

 

Funny how life saying…ok…you wanna die? Die then!  ……..can change all that. I came to paradise to heal….with the hopes of healing my sadnesses as well. I’ve had success like a yoyo in that regard. The death thing is fine now….but the mind thing…..yimmy yammy of hell. In fact, I am about to do another jungle medicine to clear more muck from my mind. Actually, it’s not a new one…it’s just understood better. Jesus. People shouldn’t mess around with this stuff if they don’t know!!! Turns out……the KAMBO frog medicine…is more intricate than thought. Also….more capable!!! I witnessed the results of having kambo medicine done in a good way…with a shaman. I witnessed something so profound. I was in the presence of a woman…..and I felt….literally felt that she was different. Clean and shiny. I had spoken to her for ten minutes when suddenly….my spirit recognized it. So I thought yes…maybe the kambo can take away my sadness…..AND keep me alive against viruses and plagues. I was feeling the spirit of the chicken though…..fear was gripping me. After all….the chicken does get its head cut off. Real fear…..and this is a poisonous frog that has no predators!!!! And then……tragedy rippled all the way to Costa Rica. A young teen took her life. A friends daughter. I didn’t know her know her….but in a small way, I was in her world or she in mine. I saw her art. The occasional drawing she allowed her mother to post….all so deep….so so deep. The word reached me and it just hit me like a mountain. I thought of all the typical thoughts….oh God, you were so young! So beautiful!! So much talent! So deep….and as I was saying these things to this sweet dead young girl….I realized I could say them to myself too. I’m worthy to live too! So, I was catapulted down the rabbithole to find out if I did or did not want to live. I am still down here. Deciding. And deciding about the Kambo. It will be different this time. More. At least 3 times….in 3 days. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever CHOSEN to do……and I’m considering more?

 

I grieved hard again today, only to discover more death. So tragic. So many precious babies never took a breath lately here. Arms ready to hold after the long long wait…are empty. All these deaths are catapulting people into their new lives. Forever different. Death is a wisdom. A teacher. Grief is a teacher as well, without death.  I think that’s what we sads suffer from….grief. We are needing something in ourselves, and not finding it. Or, we had it and it was killed off. Even when we like ourselves every now and then, it’s like a façade. We wait for the better Me to arrive. It’s more painful than most physical pains, the pain of wanting to die. You see, it goes against life. Think about it. The body is built with an instinct to live. To survive. Our minds however, can override the autopilot.  If you get on a ride at a fair….you can’t get off till it’s done. If all you can think of is, I want off, get me off….it lasts so much longer, or seems to. Life: the teacher. I’m learning that if you Don’t want something real bad….you’ll get it. If you Really want something bad, you won’t get it. It’s about attachment. The need for desire. Take my bugs. The more I want a butterfly to come to me….the more it stays away. I am projecting need energy at the butterfly. It won’t want to come.  To get it to come…I need to match its energy. And that my friends, is a matter of deciding NOT to let it matter. Just let things be. Saying it and living it….sometimes not so easy.

 

Suicide is happening a lot these days. I see that there’s a meditation planned…a fancy one….to raise awareness for suicide. Just stop already. Everyone is aware! Instead, use the money you raise, to do things for people! Start things….to allow folks to express themselves, or to vent, or to shout about their pain. People can’t even tell anyone they are in pain cuz they’re afraid of the consequences. Doctors, hospitals, mental stays. We can’t even talk about it. Not real helpful. The whole world needs to shift. This young girls choice has shifted me. I don’t want to make that choice. I will choose life. I CHOOSE LIFE. It took me 54 years to say that. Blessings to you sweet child. I am so so sorry for your pain.  I wish….  I want to say thank you for helping me want to live. Thank you for teaching me that I do. Thank you for your courage in expressing your pain through art. Thank you for reaching. Thank you for all the days you DID stay on the planet!!! I honor you sweet one…..AND…I honor your journey. All of it. Every breath you breathed. Every ache and scream of your heart…and every smile. Every giggle, every twinkle of your eyes. Every tear and every art that poured out of your hands like blood in your veins. I honor your spirit. I honor you.

 

And as for the tiny babes…I honor you and your energy. I honor the dream of you. I honor the life you had with your sweet mother. I honor the stillness of your breath. Thank you for coming precious wee souls. I saw you!!! You are beautiful! Every soul who knew of you…..honors you. Blessings.

Signing off in Costa Rica where the leaf litter mushrooms are finally arriving….in spits and spurts, I’ve saved some critters (2 just today)and lost some, and it’s sweater time in the evenings now cuz of the rains. PS…my friend, should you see this…my heart cries for you and if you should need insight into a brain that works in this manner….I’m here for you.

 

Plant TEACHERS….living inside me

Grandmother just gave me an idea. My intention for today’s spoonful ceremony was to find a way to stay here. Or to come back after going home to create things to sell. I still plan to make skirts, yup I do I do……not so easy just yet….supplies, tools……don’t have that….just the vision. I’ve taken the art in a different direction but even that is not worked out yet, or ready…..I’ve ordered materials and they are waiting for me in Texas. Anyway…..I just love how these plant teachers come into you and stay and teach. The frog medicine I just did is still singing to me….and now I get a slideshow of mushrooms to boot. Even ones I’ve never ever seen before….created just for little ole me’s mindshow!!! So anyway….I’m here in ceremony…(still, as I type) and I’m trying to figure out a way to capture the attention of the world, to get people doing a practice I’d like to see done……and she gives me an idea that helps both…..both that world thing, and me personally. And yesterday, during ceremony…not sure if it was my higher selfs idea or Kambo or Aya, but as I entered my inner sanctum…..or, as I was approaching it I should say……A detour was had. In order to get to my inner garden, I first go to a beach….In my mind, a very specific beach that always looks the same. There, I go through a portal into my garden. Yesterday, I woke up still swollen from the kambo and 2 things happened. First, instead of going into the garden from the beach as I ALWAYS do……I went into the sand…toward the ocean…….and I went swimming in the ocean. Haha….frog water energy needed to end the healing process!!! I also had a very teary ceremony yesterday….more water. Fascinating just fascinating. Figuring out how life works….is so cool.

Grandmother is reminding me of the path Spirit has set me on. It began back in 2001, wow. I was in Sedona. I’ve recently told you the story……I was there with a few people and a guide(Female Medicine Woman(white))….and we were headed to a Medicine Wheel, when I was overwhelmed by tears of the ancestors. I heard the bulldozers down below….where so many native braves had leapt to their deaths….and the tears poured through my body…..released. The part I never mention, is what happened after. No biggie I thought. So, I find the medicine wheel and hubby and his fiancé…lol, ya…….and the medicine woman, Laurie, begins readings for us. In mine, she saw me as a Hopi Medicine Woman in a previous life. She also saw my daughter….craving me, needing me…..and us coming together. Wala…..15 years later, the bricks laid then…have formed the road I am now on. Thankyou Grandmother Ayahuasca. I am so honored to be your student. She is also reminding me that this part of the path actually began last year with the magic mushrooms….then my son brought me a tiny bit of DMT. I became a scientist…..ooooooooh ya….last night it occurred to me what I am now….lol, I’m a scientist! That’s how I look at life! How, why, what? Ha, If I was a true scientist I’d be testing these mushies out to see if magic or edible or what….on the other hand….if I did that…..I’d be a dead true scientist. Then the aya, the rape` and the kambo….with iboga on the hopeful horizon. Ya….it’s extremely obvious to anyone with eyes to see…that the Holy Spirit wants me to be a scientist with these things. Try them….share what I learn. Not only that…but as it has been recommended to me lately by at least 3 healers, that I need to meditate…….Spirit has given me the mushrooms here. The passion for them, that is. I literally spend 1-2 hours or more a day….looking for them. I am so focused, squatted down, eyes scanning….focus focus…..on just what I’m seeing…not words………and ye know what? THAT…is meditating!!! Well…..with a bunch of giggles and ooooooooh’s and squeals added!!! Oh….and the neverending…thankyou!!! Oh thankyou! Haha…I’m a kid again in the woods. Now if I can just convince Spirit I don’t need anymore ant or mosquito medicine!!! Ha…the other day when I did the rape` and the kambo…I got stung on my toe by a mystery insect……lol, Spirit wanted even more medicine in me!

Once upon a time…I was an herbalist. I was in the process of writing a book, when my marriage crumbled, husband ended up with my baby daughter and life shifted for me. At that time…I was studying the effects of North American plants. I made a super duper illness tea that stopped colds in their tracks. That ended 30 years ago. Wow. It took me 30 years to get back on the path I’d originally begun. So now here I am, studying the effects of the plant life from across the globe. Funny….I also wrote a fairy story…not published……..it was an environmental fairy story that involved saving the amazon rain forests and there were magical healing plants and insects in the story….how funny oh jeeze!!! I’m living my own fairytale!!! Haha…does this mean I get to go to a purple planet???? Oh man….what a great ceremony today. 2 insights!!! On a spoonful! Well, they are accumulating in my body….I bet they’re all hanging out at the corner of love and fear….gathering information…like any good entheogen would do. Ahhhhh. There!!! That’s what I’m studying…not psychotropics!!! Entheogens!!!! Big word, eh??? I love that word. It means that they go in the body….look for what’s wrong,….like a maître d ……how can I help you??? And then fix it. Like reishi mushroom. Not hallucinogenic, but an amazing medicine……and an entheogen. Take it if you can. Why am I now acting as an entheogen scientist? I believe it’s to complete my purpose….to share knowledge that can help the consciousness rise.

And if you think that yesterdays blog ending was a pity party…nope…just plain ole Sheri. I have a poem from the 90’s that says……words are all I count as my worth…haha, at least now it’s been upgraded to include my art!! Wow….realeyes it or not, I carried you with me in my ceremony!!! Ceremony complete for today…..music about to go silent, candles shall burn and bless whatever they were dedicated to……..the healing sealed now in love and light and a great big thanks to all my guides who always come along to steer me. I’m realeyesing how important this inner journeywork is. Critical really. Until the mind is silenced……it is needed. Gosh…such big filling love I feel for you guys. Even in my dark…..I am a light…shining for you. If you need help…..ask. I can try. Oh my!!!!!!!!! I just got a reply to yesterdays blog that gives a different perspective than my biased one. How kind…..thankyou Alan. (the baby I carried the longest before miscarrying……was named Ryan Alan…..back then, there were only Allens…..interesting) I won’t make you go look….here’s what he said: