Tag Archive | grief

Grieving in Paradise…

There has been a suicide on the edges of my world. It’s certainly not the first, but it has affected me the hardest. Like a knife to the heart. It has torn through all my defenses and whisked me back into my old self…..my old world….my old pain. During this time in the history of this planet, we are being taken back into our pasts to wrap up any loose ends….to heal any old wounds still hovering. I guess you could say I have an old wound. I’ve done inner work about my mother issues, my family issues, being beaten; cheated on; told to die by my ex issues……but I forgot to deal with one teeny tiny little thing. My lack of commitment to LIFE. My TO LIVE OR NOT TO LIVE issues. I recently had a healing experience from a Grandmother Shaman. She said I had not yet committed to life. That made my head turn. A new perspective. Whammo…..she was right. I attempted suicide the first time at the ripe OLD age of 13. It was a few years earlier though, that I really checked out on myself. Just flew away. Threw all my spiritual gifts as far as I could fling them, and placed myself in purgatory. It was a world of depression, sadness, aching, need, despair and confusion. THAT…was my life.


Funny how life saying…ok…you wanna die? Die then!  ……..can change all that. I came to paradise to heal….with the hopes of healing my sadnesses as well. I’ve had success like a yoyo in that regard. The death thing is fine now….but the mind thing…..yimmy yammy of hell. In fact, I am about to do another jungle medicine to clear more muck from my mind. Actually, it’s not a new one…it’s just understood better. Jesus. People shouldn’t mess around with this stuff if they don’t know!!! Turns out……the KAMBO frog medicine…is more intricate than thought. Also….more capable!!! I witnessed the results of having kambo medicine done in a good way…with a shaman. I witnessed something so profound. I was in the presence of a woman…..and I felt….literally felt that she was different. Clean and shiny. I had spoken to her for ten minutes when suddenly….my spirit recognized it. So I thought yes…maybe the kambo can take away my sadness…..AND keep me alive against viruses and plagues. I was feeling the spirit of the chicken though…..fear was gripping me. After all….the chicken does get its head cut off. Real fear…..and this is a poisonous frog that has no predators!!!! And then……tragedy rippled all the way to Costa Rica. A young teen took her life. A friends daughter. I didn’t know her know her….but in a small way, I was in her world or she in mine. I saw her art. The occasional drawing she allowed her mother to post….all so deep….so so deep. The word reached me and it just hit me like a mountain. I thought of all the typical thoughts….oh God, you were so young! So beautiful!! So much talent! So deep….and as I was saying these things to this sweet dead young girl….I realized I could say them to myself too. I’m worthy to live too! So, I was catapulted down the rabbithole to find out if I did or did not want to live. I am still down here. Deciding. And deciding about the Kambo. It will be different this time. More. At least 3 times….in 3 days. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever CHOSEN to do……and I’m considering more?


I grieved hard again today, only to discover more death. So tragic. So many precious babies never took a breath lately here. Arms ready to hold after the long long wait…are empty. All these deaths are catapulting people into their new lives. Forever different. Death is a wisdom. A teacher. Grief is a teacher as well, without death.  I think that’s what we sads suffer from….grief. We are needing something in ourselves, and not finding it. Or, we had it and it was killed off. Even when we like ourselves every now and then, it’s like a façade. We wait for the better Me to arrive. It’s more painful than most physical pains, the pain of wanting to die. You see, it goes against life. Think about it. The body is built with an instinct to live. To survive. Our minds however, can override the autopilot.  If you get on a ride at a fair….you can’t get off till it’s done. If all you can think of is, I want off, get me off….it lasts so much longer, or seems to. Life: the teacher. I’m learning that if you Don’t want something real bad….you’ll get it. If you Really want something bad, you won’t get it. It’s about attachment. The need for desire. Take my bugs. The more I want a butterfly to come to me….the more it stays away. I am projecting need energy at the butterfly. It won’t want to come.  To get it to come…I need to match its energy. And that my friends, is a matter of deciding NOT to let it matter. Just let things be. Saying it and living it….sometimes not so easy.


Suicide is happening a lot these days. I see that there’s a meditation planned…a fancy one….to raise awareness for suicide. Just stop already. Everyone is aware! Instead, use the money you raise, to do things for people! Start things….to allow folks to express themselves, or to vent, or to shout about their pain. People can’t even tell anyone they are in pain cuz they’re afraid of the consequences. Doctors, hospitals, mental stays. We can’t even talk about it. Not real helpful. The whole world needs to shift. This young girls choice has shifted me. I don’t want to make that choice. I will choose life. I CHOOSE LIFE. It took me 54 years to say that. Blessings to you sweet child. I am so so sorry for your pain.  I wish….  I want to say thank you for helping me want to live. Thank you for teaching me that I do. Thank you for your courage in expressing your pain through art. Thank you for reaching. Thank you for all the days you DID stay on the planet!!! I honor you sweet one…..AND…I honor your journey. All of it. Every breath you breathed. Every ache and scream of your heart…and every smile. Every giggle, every twinkle of your eyes. Every tear and every art that poured out of your hands like blood in your veins. I honor your spirit. I honor you.


And as for the tiny babes…I honor you and your energy. I honor the dream of you. I honor the life you had with your sweet mother. I honor the stillness of your breath. Thank you for coming precious wee souls. I saw you!!! You are beautiful! Every soul who knew of you…..honors you. Blessings.

Signing off in Costa Rica where the leaf litter mushrooms are finally arriving….in spits and spurts, I’ve saved some critters (2 just today)and lost some, and it’s sweater time in the evenings now cuz of the rains. PS…my friend, should you see this…my heart cries for you and if you should need insight into a brain that works in this manner….I’m here for you.




Oh GOD…this has been a day. Hard, I’ll call this one Hard. Before leaving to go for groceries, I told hubby I was going to check on Erbie and I’d be back in a minute. I walked into the pasture, not spotting him right off. Actually, before bed, I had the notion that he was gone but I decided to go to sleep instead of going to check. So, I enter the pasture. I don’t see him right off so I walk into the herd….half are up and grazing, other half resting on the rocks. A thorough scan and………… I don’t see him. He’s gone. Of course he’s gone. He’s not here. So I pretended for a moment….and I walked around talking to the girls and taking photos. Ok. I trudge across the pasture, my eyes dreading what they might see. I’m suspecting to the left but the vision on my right stuns me. The dreaded heap…..is down by the pond….down by the water, with the dragonflies. He is oh so gone. No breaths. No body lifting in any way shape or form. Ants in his eyes and nose. My baby. Why didn’t I turn him into a bottle baby? I could have. I thought about it so many times, but his mommy loved him and took very good care of him. It was just….he was so small. He just didn’t grow. Then the broken leg incident that I didn’t know about. Then the tapeworm incident, then I went away for 3 weeks and when I returned, I treated him as if he had cocci. It worked. Maybe I didn’t do it enough times. I don’t think I did. I’ve never had it before, or if I did, I didn’t know. He seemed to be gaining his health. Finally. He was even a little boy and got to do little baby bucky things. He walked with a John Wayne swagger due to the broken leg and never ever complained about anything. All other baby boys have been removed except for Erbie. He was so small and so weak that nobody hurt him. In fact, lately I watched them go to hit him…realize who it was and stop themselves mid headbash. I think they knew.

So. There he is. I cried and cried and I oozed snot. I wailed and wailed. The goats came closer to observe but from a distance. It seems worse this time. Much worse. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave him. I just wanted to touch him. No idea how long this endured before hubby finally came. He never comes. I musta been gone awhile. Can’t even tell ya cuz I just was zoned out all day. I went to the house and cut a blanket for him, then went and picked him up. Fireants were everywhere and I carried him outta the L pasture. Hubby was there at the gate waiting with the tractor, bucket up to receive my package. I knew what he was doing. He knew, cuz I said it over and over….I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do…so he placed the tractor bucket up into a tree. To give me time. We had to go to town for groceries…or so I thought. Turns out, he has the week off and I just figured it out about an hour ago, oh, 10pm sat night. Thanks for telling me. So we went to town and did the obligatory things then back to grieving. Although I didn’t really stop the whole time, but just didn’t always have tears running down. I cut as many curls as I could before I realized how cold his body was then I stopped and wrapped him back up. Once again, I picked up my ant strewn bundle and walked. I hope he is still where I placed him…come morning. In the meantime….Murphy Jose, the 30 something yr old mule who was given to us 10 years ago…dumped on us would be more like it…he was found out in the big pasture dead. I figure he went so they could cross the rainbow bridge together. Erbie was so special, he needed an escort. Then….Summer and the car. In New Mexico….the car breaks down. Jeezzzzzzze. I woke the other morning with the song jeopardy in my head when I was prayin for Summer’s trip and for our healing trip…..I told her I wasn’t sure which one it was for. She didn’t like my way of interpreting signs from Spirit. Didn’t wanna hear any negativity about the trip. Okie dokie. Well. Hmmm. Lotta jeopardy been goin on babygirl. This day is almost done. Come morning…and I do mean morning…I will be up and on the way to Houston, to have lunch with hubby’s mother. Houston. Hmmm. And Summer is still at that gas station. She’ll see a mechanic tomorrow and we’ll know more. Legions, legions of Angels. Thankyou. Have I told you that I hate driving or being a passenger in Houston? It’s not so bad if you drive the main roads instead of the BIG roads, but not hubby. Best get to drinkin my chamomile. Night night my friends. Hello Angels…12:44am = 11 = Master number.

Ok…remind me to never get old. I witnessed and experienced what I would deem…HELL today. Please no is all I can say. We arrived at the place where hubby’s mom has been living since her husband died 3 years ago. How has it been 3 years? That means that we haven’t, I haven’t talked to her in nearly all that time. So…her husband dies and they move her out of her home and into an assisted living place. Poor poor lady. Today, 3 yrs later….the elevator door opens and we nearly bump into her. She is looking for her 2 sons. One son has been awol for years and years and the other…just walked in the door. She informed us that they had her in a fake room. Everything looked right, but it wasn’t right and it wasn’t her room and wasn’t her stuff. Also, people were sneaking in her room and messing her bed covers and sleeping in her bed. Heartbreaking folks. I don’t wanna die yet…still feel I have wisdom to pass on, but YIKEs….I don’t want that!!! I feel just awful for her. Must be so scary. They lie to her. If she asks about her husband…oh, he’s out parking the car. And you wonder why she’s confused. Just awful. Then…….when we were nearly home, the nice mechanic was finally done with the car and it was a sensor. For the fan, near the radiator. So…not an expensive fix AND the guy was TRULY miracle nice and charged way less than he should have, so I’m thinkin she is back on the road…but I haven’t heard her say that. Good travels my dear. The goats are all back to normal here and my pups, god love em…didn’t mess with the baby’s body. Good pups. Ok…..as you can see, I’ve been sufficiently distracted from the leaving of my daughter and life continues. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.














I guess it’s gonna be cold early this year. I’m thinkin I need to create some clothing since I have no good clothes for winter, only for summer. I can layer and maybe felt myself some somethings? I have a few long john shirts, they can layer. But with what? Hmmm. I dunno. Gonna have to figure this out….cuz I hate being cold. It takes forever to knit and crochet even if I knew how or wanted to know how to knit clothes. I did that coat…..it weighed 4 lbs. Mohair doesn’t felt well…wetfelt that is. It will, they say it just doesn’t full. All I know is, it puckers. All the mohair I’ve wetfelted alone, puckers. Gee…..I think I’m talkin out my hat cuz I don’t think I have enough wool here. I was supposed to do a table runner(table cloth) challenge….gonna have to substitute that for a human cloth instead….sorry Erin, if you’re reading. I’m not really sure this is one of my art areas, but I guess I shall give it a go sometime when I get enough gumption. I’m sleepy now, 3:01am = 4 = Angels. Night night!
For some reason, I have feelings of sadness today. Not sure why they are there, they just are. Nothing in particular. Well, there is one thing but I don’t think its that. I had helped Summers friend with her mothers eating issues due to her HepC. The mom, Callie, didn’t wanna eat what they told her to eat. She wanted to eat the foods she had always eaten and since I was going through the same thing, it was obvious that I would talk to her about it and what things bothered me that Summer did with me foodwise. It helped me to help her. This was a few weeks ago. On Saturday, I saw that the mom, Callie had died. Huh????? Oh man. Was it cuz she wouldn’t eat the veggies???? Did she have too many cookies??? Am I next? My appt is tomorrow for the IV thingy. Tons of paperwork and I hear they will be doing the bloodwork so I don’t have to call Doc and request some so we can see where we are when we start….plus, where we are compared to when this started.
Last night, I discovered a few other fiber artists doing similar things to mine. Similar….not the same, BUT…….the way they were finished off was interesting….and a bunch were framed. Basically framed the way my monk wants to help me do. Lol……had me an epiphany last night. Hahahahaaa. A stretcher bar….for artists…is not a tool!!! I always pictured it as a metal thing that you somehow hook to the painting and stretch the canvas around the wood thingies. HA! The stretcher bar IS the wood thingie around the canvas!!! Heheeee. Oh, and hubby sent me an email with like 20 links for How to Frame it Yourself!!! Just what I didn’t want to do, but it is starting to seem as if I need to. Sure, I can probably try the new method I saw recently on new paintings yet painted…….but not sure about the ones already done. Might rule them out for that particular method. I’m boring you aren’t I?
Summer ran to Austin to the library and Whole Foods and Jesse and I sheared one and a half goats. We finished up Squirrel, then did Thor, who was trying to mount everyone lately. Yup, he’s done with that! Ya, that boy baby pen is getting mighty full. 3 more boys that I can think of left……Diplo, Moonbaby and Erbie. Erbie is so tee tiny that I just don’t know about putting him anywhere. His growth has halted. Right before I left for DC he had tape worms. He’s been wormed for regular worms since then, but he’s just the smallest goat ever….and with the wacky back leg. Anyway…they are done and they wouldn’t follow the other boys or come when called so we had to load em up in the Blazer. Their mommies haven’t said a thing so far.
I cannot explain what I’m feeling. Oh…I asked the lady about her mom. The mom hemorrhaged. They thought she had a few years left. That is scary to me. I need to deal with that fear, cuz from what I hear…it’s your feelings at death…..AT death…that determine how it goes. I need to calm myself somehow. So very strange. For so many years, I wanted to die…to leave…getn me outta here. Now…..I don’t wanna go. Am basically afraid to go. And being afraid to go terrifies the crap outta me. Ya. But seriously. I don’t know how to explain this feeling. Not sure if it’s a sick feel or a hinky feel or a psychic feel or a nervous feel. My psychic feel is what I call rock gut and is usually lower in the belly than this. This one is above the belly button…..what???? Its uncomfortable, in its familiarity. I dunno. It feels icky though. Not pain, just ick. Gosh! Hubby is home early! Guess me and my ickyness shall sign off here at YeeHaw Ranch. I’ll deal. Later gator! Ps…..who knows when…but I did wake up with a felted clothing idea.