Dream a dream….FOR ME?????

I guess I’m finding it hard to blog these days. 2 reasons. 1, I don’t wanna be a sadpuss and bring anyone down and 2, people take my words as absolute and only…..but y’all can’t see, feel, or hear. You are only getting part of the picture. For gods sakes…it’s a blog, not a blow by blow of my life. It’s a writing. A piece of writing….a work. Certainly not enough information to make any diagnoses, eh? Well…..so what to say? Which words will be misread, misunderstood….or even worse…..deemed wrong. Just plain deemed wrong. On the other hand…..I’m tough. I can do a lot of things. A friend told me that my illness was affecting some of y’all. Really? I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I thought the opposite. I am a wee tad too hard on myself. But it’s really more than that. It’s deep. The soul of a human is deep. My soul….I would presume, is the umf of me. The tender heart moments shining out like a light, twinkling at Christmas. Temporary moments of shine….in a world of routine dull.

Sometimes its too big for me and goes over my head but I think everything is energy. Y’all know that I believe this. As I’m discovering, living a lifetime of one way of thinking…..it truly takes a long while to change over to new beliefs fully. You know, an all out switch. Holes sewn up. I “know” these things…but I speak and act another way sometimes. While knowing that giving energy to something ….well, gives energy to something……I still give energy. I still wail about misfortune or misery. So obviously my mind skills have not yet reached my knowledge fully, and there is a gap. Somewhere on the other side of this gap….are my dreams. I can’t reach them. I can’t find them. I can’t create them. I know not what to create. Will you dream for me? Will you help me figure out what I could dream for? Options? Ideas? I really do draw a blank, and when I do come up with one….I immediately poo poo it for some reason or other. Call it a bucket list for life cuz I don’t plan on dying. Well, if I can find things to dream for!!!! And yes….I do already have one expensive one but it’s still there….a feltloom. Ha…my life would change so quickly if I had one. I have no doubt. It’s almost like letting God down that I don’t have one yet. Like He created something…just for me….and I didn’t get it. I felt that way the first time I saw it and saw it in use. So….ya. Dreams. Maybe I should say….realistic dreams.

I guess I should tell you whats going on healthwise. At the moment, I’m pretty good. Having some difficulties with food sitting in me again, even with the Hemp oil cbd. I’m wondering if I need a higher dose but its so expensive already. I’m having fears of going to heal myself as planned in Costa Rica now. Crap!!!! I don’t want to allow fear to be the thing that kills me. And that’s exactly what I was doing. Fear of the city of arrival, fear of being in another country, fear of the bus ride on winding roads, fear of the wildlife there, fear of the humans there, fear of the airplane ride to and from, fear of getting back to the airport, there are more but I hesitate to say them again, thus giving them more energy. I have come so close to talking myself out of going. Another way to turn this…which I try……but its not dominant, is…………………… Costa RICA!!! Ocean! Butterflies! Trees! Birds! (oh, apparently I’m a birder. I get birders at the gallery and it brings back my childhood bird adventures and joys) Jungle plants, hummingbirds? An artist in residence, and just plain ole…….adventure. Ya, I’ve learned that adventure is a word you use AFTER the hell you’ve gone through, so maybe that’s a bad choice of words. How bout just plain ole fun….aside from the liver flushes and coffee enemas….and all the medicines and unknown foods without sugar. Ya. Hehe. Ya. Jeeze. I’m a wimp and a coward and I MUST rise to the occasion. The occasion of my life…..not my death. Chinese medicine, ayurvedic medicine, jungle medicine…..all combined to invigorate the body and convince it to live….my words, not theirs. Ha…..and if I was really courageous, I’d do ayahuasca while I’m in the country. They don’t do it where I’m thinking of going, so I’d have to go somewhere else a few hours away and that too costs money and fear. People tell me I’m courageous. I don’t feel it. I know I persevere and push through…lol….mow through….but courage? I feel that’s something I lack. Well….here’s to hopin I sleep tonight. I sure do miss the dead sleep of the beer. Hmmm, dead sleep. Better stay away from the beer, eh? Hmm, what is it……lets see, July 7th or so…..5 months. WOW. 5 months, no beer, no cigarettes. I need a prize. :=)) OK…night night folkie olkies. 1:27am = 1 = Beginnings.

I was trying to make some money since the paintings hadn’t been selling so I agreed to try to do a shawl by Christmas. I tried to hire it out and that didn’t work so I bought yarn from Sandy Kunath and it was nice. So…..I’ve been knitting up a storm trying to finish in time. I did. Hopefully she likes it. Went to town to mail that off today and now I get to play. NOTHING on the to do list. Hmmm….or is there? Jeeze…..dunno. I wanna play. Two weeks ago I made something…….the first of many tries. My question to myself is…..do I leave it as is…..quite pretty…..or do I rip it up to reuse the fiber, thus there is only one…..when there could be 2? Or 3 or 4 or 5. Lol. Who knows how many it will take till I’m completely happy. The one I made is quite cool….but just not at my vision yet. Dunno, but if I can’t think of any obligations….I’m starting it tonight. Hmmm, maybe the domino pendants is the thing that has me thinking I got more to do….but the findings have not arrived yet. What a strange word for jewelry parts….findings. Well, either way…I’m still workin on it…..although, I’m wondering why. I showed it to Natalie and asked her not to share it since it wasn’t done. She was wowed…..and said y’all would be too. But now I wonder…..the point. Can anyone purchase it? LOL….if not…why make it? Haha…because I can, because its eating at me, because it will be gorgeous…..lol, but why????? Ok….later than. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch where I think….if I continue this gallery….I need nicer bags. For when they sell. I wonder if I had a big sale….would anyone want a painting? If you’re sorta in the market…..go to http://www.Noahs-arts.com and see. Then tell me which one you want and how much you can pay and I’ll see if I can do it…..willing to do it. ;=)) Seriously! It’s Christmas!!! Later gater!!! Yes, I know its misspelled.

How to change the world……

Bear with me….it gets good. Well, the issue of abortion seems to be in the forefront today. I am in the most heated discussion about this topic that I’ve ever had in my life…in my long life. I was around when it was young, this idea of abortion. It just never got talked about. Once Roe v Wade…that’s all she wrote, katy bar the door. In the end, tonight I said….we, as a society need to change. To change the way we have children, the way we teach children and the way we love children. When we do that. When we reward them for being who they are, for doing the right thing, for having a passion for something and we then give them an opportunity to explore that passion, while still young, to decide…is that what I want to do forever? Maybe not! Maybe they need to try 4 or 5 things, or 8 or 22. Good grief. We need to teach our children about love. About helping others, about loving ourselves. About being worthy. About being special. You change that……and you change the world. Bottom friggin line.

Ahhh, its another wonderful night to be alive. To be breathing decent air, albeit smokey. To have a roof, this Rv roof over my head and another roof a few steps away, where my real bed is and where my kitchen is. I have my Bluedog by my side and pups probably surrounding me. Maybe even under me. My son is making music out the wazoo and my hubby is in a good mood cuz vacation approaches. And I….I love my goats. It’s a good life. Oh ya…I love writing these stoies…this story in particular. But should any out there worry….Billy is still on my mind! Billy the Goat. Billy is cool. Billy is for a bit younger age than this present fairy story. Now it’s me and Jess, sitting here watching 12 Monkeys. Lol. Night night sweet people. I am also writing on the story, going along smoothly. Night night and sweetest of bestest dreams. 1:53am = 9 = endings.

Wow, I got up early today. Not on purpose, just happened. Ended up washing a fleece and getting another one in to wash…and it’s only a few minutes after noon.Hubby didn’t help me with the turkey fryer so it’s sink washing. Not sure I got the lanolin out…jeeze. I also heard from the place I will rent the feltloom. Yup, we go next week. He said it would be hot so I’m guessing no ac. Should be interesting…heat, sweat and fiber. Hmmm. Sticky hands. In other words, if my body is covered in sweat, the fiber will stick to me. I shall do my best. Just read last nights writings and all is good. 2,000 words, so now it’s up to nearly 5,000. Ahhh gee, well, that was not really a success. Will have to insist hubby help with the fryer this weekend. The first fleece that I thought wasn’t lanoliny, was, very obvious once in the water. Still on. Dang, so will have to rewash with fryer. The second fleece was a baby fleece, no lanolin and it’s fine. It’s drying. Then….I realized there is a leak under the sink, so I can’t do any more. Wait….I have one more option…thank you Anne!!!! My friend Ann, she’s the one who teasingly calls my goats aliens on FB and she wants a purple goat…..anyways…..she brought me a wash container and basket she had made for fiber washing and I have the lanolin fleece back in the hot water only now it’s outside in the 100 degree sun, so that should cool the lanolin out, eh? Hopin so.

My daughter just called. She has read part of Book 1 and she said she Loves it!!! Yay! She hasn’t read it to the little girls there yet, but soon. Anxious about that, well, not anxious but want them to like it. Then Summer tells me she has a job picking organic foods. She gets there by kayak!!! LOL. She kayaks across the river, then hikes up a mountain to the organic farm. At the end of the day, she gets to take home whatever they have a surplus of. Sweet deal. Gotta love the getting to work by kayak thing though. That’s my girl. I love that child dearly…lol, not a child though anymore. In a couple years, she will be 30. WOW. My baby, 30!!! Not yet, don’t wanna rush it…..but still, it is approaching. And my boy is 20. WOW again! And in a little over a month….I will be 52. That’s 22 yrs longer than I thought I’d live. …lol, if that…considering I was constantly trying to leave the planet but was never allowed. Thank goodness!!!

Well, as horrible a topic as this is…the abortion thing isn’t going away. They are still talking about it and wanting to talk about it…probably cuz it’s been a silent topic for so long. But when I saw today, that lady activist say that……the women have complete authority over their bodies and if a baby appears, it is an invasion, therefore it has to be removed…..I unfriended her. I don’t understand this. I hear ya….but I just shake my head. There are simple rules of life. Hot is hot, cold is cold….we have gravity, women have menstrual cycles and a baby will be born if the cycles are entered into by a male. We live and then we die. There are a few more, but these…..have been here forever. And I back myself up by saying………read the beginning paragraph again…..because that’s the only way we will change this. Ok….headed out into the great Tx sauna to see the girls and babies.

Oh ya….Cathy and I had a discussion about eating dirt when we were little. Didn’t everybody eat dirt as a child? Didn’t all little girls make mud pies? Apparently not. Not nowadays. Now they are told how dirty it is and how many bacteria. Get a grip. Ok….done….I’m melting. Overheated and melting. Hard to breathe, it’s so hot. Guess I’ll sign off now at YeeHaw Ranch.