Tag Archive | death

Grieving in Paradise…

There has been a suicide on the edges of my world. It’s certainly not the first, but it has affected me the hardest. Like a knife to the heart. It has torn through all my defenses and whisked me back into my old self…..my old world….my old pain. During this time in the history of this planet, we are being taken back into our pasts to wrap up any loose ends….to heal any old wounds still hovering. I guess you could say I have an old wound. I’ve done inner work about my mother issues, my family issues, being beaten; cheated on; told to die by my ex issues……but I forgot to deal with one teeny tiny little thing. My lack of commitment to LIFE. My TO LIVE OR NOT TO LIVE issues. I recently had a healing experience from a Grandmother Shaman. She said I had not yet committed to life. That made my head turn. A new perspective. Whammo…..she was right. I attempted suicide the first time at the ripe OLD age of 13. It was a few years earlier though, that I really checked out on myself. Just flew away. Threw all my spiritual gifts as far as I could fling them, and placed myself in purgatory. It was a world of depression, sadness, aching, need, despair and confusion. THAT…was my life.


Funny how life saying…ok…you wanna die? Die then!  ……..can change all that. I came to paradise to heal….with the hopes of healing my sadnesses as well. I’ve had success like a yoyo in that regard. The death thing is fine now….but the mind thing…..yimmy yammy of hell. In fact, I am about to do another jungle medicine to clear more muck from my mind. Actually, it’s not a new one…it’s just understood better. Jesus. People shouldn’t mess around with this stuff if they don’t know!!! Turns out……the KAMBO frog medicine…is more intricate than thought. Also….more capable!!! I witnessed the results of having kambo medicine done in a good way…with a shaman. I witnessed something so profound. I was in the presence of a woman…..and I felt….literally felt that she was different. Clean and shiny. I had spoken to her for ten minutes when suddenly….my spirit recognized it. So I thought yes…maybe the kambo can take away my sadness…..AND keep me alive against viruses and plagues. I was feeling the spirit of the chicken though…..fear was gripping me. After all….the chicken does get its head cut off. Real fear…..and this is a poisonous frog that has no predators!!!! And then……tragedy rippled all the way to Costa Rica. A young teen took her life. A friends daughter. I didn’t know her know her….but in a small way, I was in her world or she in mine. I saw her art. The occasional drawing she allowed her mother to post….all so deep….so so deep. The word reached me and it just hit me like a mountain. I thought of all the typical thoughts….oh God, you were so young! So beautiful!! So much talent! So deep….and as I was saying these things to this sweet dead young girl….I realized I could say them to myself too. I’m worthy to live too! So, I was catapulted down the rabbithole to find out if I did or did not want to live. I am still down here. Deciding. And deciding about the Kambo. It will be different this time. More. At least 3 times….in 3 days. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever CHOSEN to do……and I’m considering more?


I grieved hard again today, only to discover more death. So tragic. So many precious babies never took a breath lately here. Arms ready to hold after the long long wait…are empty. All these deaths are catapulting people into their new lives. Forever different. Death is a wisdom. A teacher. Grief is a teacher as well, without death.  I think that’s what we sads suffer from….grief. We are needing something in ourselves, and not finding it. Or, we had it and it was killed off. Even when we like ourselves every now and then, it’s like a façade. We wait for the better Me to arrive. It’s more painful than most physical pains, the pain of wanting to die. You see, it goes against life. Think about it. The body is built with an instinct to live. To survive. Our minds however, can override the autopilot.  If you get on a ride at a fair….you can’t get off till it’s done. If all you can think of is, I want off, get me off….it lasts so much longer, or seems to. Life: the teacher. I’m learning that if you Don’t want something real bad….you’ll get it. If you Really want something bad, you won’t get it. It’s about attachment. The need for desire. Take my bugs. The more I want a butterfly to come to me….the more it stays away. I am projecting need energy at the butterfly. It won’t want to come.  To get it to come…I need to match its energy. And that my friends, is a matter of deciding NOT to let it matter. Just let things be. Saying it and living it….sometimes not so easy.


Suicide is happening a lot these days. I see that there’s a meditation planned…a fancy one….to raise awareness for suicide. Just stop already. Everyone is aware! Instead, use the money you raise, to do things for people! Start things….to allow folks to express themselves, or to vent, or to shout about their pain. People can’t even tell anyone they are in pain cuz they’re afraid of the consequences. Doctors, hospitals, mental stays. We can’t even talk about it. Not real helpful. The whole world needs to shift. This young girls choice has shifted me. I don’t want to make that choice. I will choose life. I CHOOSE LIFE. It took me 54 years to say that. Blessings to you sweet child. I am so so sorry for your pain.  I wish….  I want to say thank you for helping me want to live. Thank you for teaching me that I do. Thank you for your courage in expressing your pain through art. Thank you for reaching. Thank you for all the days you DID stay on the planet!!! I honor you sweet one…..AND…I honor your journey. All of it. Every breath you breathed. Every ache and scream of your heart…and every smile. Every giggle, every twinkle of your eyes. Every tear and every art that poured out of your hands like blood in your veins. I honor your spirit. I honor you.


And as for the tiny babes…I honor you and your energy. I honor the dream of you. I honor the life you had with your sweet mother. I honor the stillness of your breath. Thank you for coming precious wee souls. I saw you!!! You are beautiful! Every soul who knew of you…..honors you. Blessings.

Signing off in Costa Rica where the leaf litter mushrooms are finally arriving….in spits and spurts, I’ve saved some critters (2 just today)and lost some, and it’s sweater time in the evenings now cuz of the rains. PS…my friend, should you see this…my heart cries for you and if you should need insight into a brain that works in this manner….I’m here for you.



a Nod to the unseen….Lightworkers

I only have 2 regrets in my life. That I didn’t give my children more. 2 children, 2 regrets. That I didn’t leave them something. I carry shame because I didn’t. I tried to leave a legacy with my words but they blew away in the wind. I tried to leave a legacy with my art but it blew away too. You will never know the depth of my horror that the art I created…….that my daughter wanted to emulate…..was moot. God I hate moot. I’ve been moot for so dang long. Well, I’m not moot now. Well, maybe I am. I’m still deciding. Do I listen to Gods will for me or the humans? The humans is easier and safer.


I guess it’s a random blog. I have some things that just outright piss me off. Life’s little bitches. The unsung heros. I want to sing to them. I myself am one. One of the overlooked, the invisible. If you’re not like me…..you probably have no idea this goes on. Are you aware that I cry tears for your misery? Did you know that people release those energies? Pent up energies. Hostage energies. Halfass released energies. This energy has nowhere to go but to eat you up. So I and people like me….eat that energy and release it ourselves. It’s our gift. Our service. Some say service work like that should be done with no expectations and while that is correct, it’s not complete. No….we shouldn’t expect thank you’s or recognition for our service gifts……..but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be received. To give and give and give….without even a smile in gratitude…..sucks all the nutrients from the soil of that giver. Perhaps a Lightworker Day is in order. A day set aside where they we can recharge our lights. A day to receive. This is not necessary. We do not require this. We would be the light forever……..charging toward the need. But wouldn’t it be nice…..if we didn’t have to? Wouldn’t it be nice if people knew what we did for them….for the world….the galaxy? The yoniverse? Wouldn’t it be nice… if instead of laughing at us…..we were respected. Instead of being feared, we were appreciated. We’re like Mega Prayer Warrrrrriors. Megamegamega! The ultimate in prayer warriors. We don’t get a cool name like MONK. Or Priestess or priest. Nope….we are a word that has been sillyfied. Lightworker. Hokey. Well………..that’s not exactly what I am. Let me see if I can rename what I do. Rehome it. Iam a secret shaman who travels through dimensions to heal with light, color, words and ideas who works on an individual and a mass planetary basis. I do it for free. I am a giver. I give my words for free as well. My wisdom. My wisdom is hard earned and painfully diversified. Iam an umbrella….at least that is my intention with my words….to put a layer of protection over my readers. Wisdom is experience. Wisdom reroutes away from pain. I share my experience to be your wisdom. Iam many things……and Iam becoming more.


Still in the human body though. Still experiencing down days and unintentional angst. I went to another Sisterhood Gathering. As you know, I’m a believer in the if it happened, it was meant to be theory….so in that regard, ok. Fine. It was quite a shakeup for me. I wrote about it. Not sure what keeps me from posting them these days. Fear. I’m fighting fears. Those are very scary words to utter to the magical yoniverse. God says….oh ya? Cool….lets see! Bottom line is…while it did not feel very good most of the weekend……it was indeed my destiny. While I have lived a life quietly wearing the weight of an inner knowing…..I met one who wears a similar weight. Extremely similar. This knowledge sent me into a trill of laughter I’m still reverberating from. I am not alone. 54 and just now finding that out. See…………….everything IS on purpose. While there, I pulled a card……………..as if it was written for my question. AND, I saw a bird. Looked like a yellow woodpecker. It’s spiritual meaning was…like that card… as if it was born for my question. Whoa. Ya. Yet still I hesitate. I came home and  weighed my options, with my hands cupped out like I was really weighing……..should I listen to God or the humans….God or the humans? God laughed. The next day, the song Call me Irresponsible echoed all day long in my head and I kept apologizing to God asking what did I do? Ha. Nothing. It was just preface stuff for something I would learn that evening. Haha. The Hilarious God.

While I was there, I was learning what I don’t know. What I thought I knew about the world and how wrong perceptions are being prepared for us. Big things to little things. I spoke of the pineapple middle. That I didn’t know there was a hard uneaten part. They said oh no….eat it. Its got digestive enzymes in it! Hmmm…They don’t feed us that part. This got me to thinking. I recall learning fairly late in life that a discovery was made that there were more vitamins in the potato if you left the skin on. So….I’ve decided to start taking it a step further. All veggies….all parts. Like today I kicked myself for throwing away the onion skins. If they get wet, they won’t be like paper will they? And God created them for a reason. Well, whatdya know. They reduce blood pressure, prevent arterial plaque(prevent stroke), are higher than the onion itself in antioxidants and are high in fiber. Geeze. The other things….I guess were so irregular to my brain that they slid them off of me. No memory…except for a driving desire to see the world myself and do my innerwork like that. On the spot. A traveling western hippified crone shaman healer……come to give as she goes. Yes. I used the shaman word. I realeyes’d I could. If I’m not going to other dimensions to speak with the dead……………then where the heck am I going? That’s what always kept me from saying that regal word. But I do. I work with the light. Light is an energy. Ya………..put that in the bucket for the list. Seeing the world and its peoples. BTW, any of you reading this who have the scientific spirit…..play around during meditation or manifesting with the hard TH sound. It’s a clue I discovered but I’m not a meditator…ain’t got there yet. I know it’s a vibration….oh the possibilities. It’s the missing letter of the alphabet. Haha….I’m thinking of Winter Solstice 2006. It’s approaching. If God asks me to dance this time….it will be the tangosalsawaltz. First the business….the abrupt and formal tango…..then the playful whimsy of salsa… followed by the relaxing methodical heartwhirling waltz to pull the curtain down.


losing someone….something

As a race of beings….we cannot handle loss or change. It is the blade we lean upon….to prove we are in control. Control over what? Do you know for sure where you are? Why you are? We could be inside the eyeball of some tiny being looking up from a crack in a stump. We really know nothing. Because we know nothing, we are scared. Because we are scared, we look for things to comfort the pressure valve inside us. Those things we deem our comfort….we label as OURS and Nobody is taking them from me!!! We hang on for dear life. Homes, towns, hurtful family members, awesome marriages, horrible marriages, archaic and cruel beliefs, familiarity. Our families, our loved ones, our animal friends. We attach. We attach an invisible cord to these comforts and they are ours. We don’t wanna leave and we don’t want them to leave us. We will not let go. I will never let go. We seek cures to death up to the very last breath. We curl up in heaven with our loved one and we don’t move. Ever. The world is going on around us and we are sitting on a couch, in our jammies, crying. A pile of tissues proves we’ve been here for years and the moving company has come to take us away haha….we watch around us as all the reminders are carried away….past us, like a procession……to be placed upon a shelf in a new space…….and we are frozen. We refuse to let that child go. That husband. That dog. That job. That weight. That hurt.


We want everything to last forever. The ultimate contradiction. A society who tries to kill itself daily…..wants to last forever. I guess if we are frozen, we want the world to freeze alongside of us. What I now understand and don’t understand…..is why we choose to wear these eyeblinders….these rose colored glasses. Its easier, for sure. Can’t we ignore the drivel and just use our own eyes? Nothing is permanent on this planet. Nothing! NOthing. Those gigantic mushrooms they say were here before the Gods and Adam…..they are pieces of rubble. The pyramids….not in perfect condition. Time and life erodes all. It’s all just a moment. I wish we could enjoy the moments….then go on to see what the next one is!!! Instead of hanging on….letting go. Freefall. Let the Divine planner plan. Keep walkin. Keep breathing. Here’s a sad example for you. A lady just posted that her sister was in a car crash and that the injuries would affect her sisters career. To me, that says it was time for a new career. If earth is the Experience School…….we are here to experience. We are also here to experience not experiencing…..but that too is a choice. The firefly in the jar can either keep breathing until he quits….and who knows, he may be freed from the jar and live to fly all the way to Costa Rica and land on my glass French door where I will squeal with delight…………..or………he can flutter and flutter and try to escape….freaking out cuz there’s no air…….can’t get out…..claustrophobic…..help……woe is me, until his struggles wear away and he runs out of breath and ceases to BE. This goes for everything we cling to so tightly. My cookies. My pot…oh crap, no. My beer. My cigarettes. My goats. My home. My Texas. My daily life with hubby. My dying. My living here with my daughter….she is not here at the moment or months of moments. My cookies. (now I make different cookies. Healthier ones).


While I can say all this I now understand…..that there still remains so much that I do not understand. Why does this theory work so well in my life…..explain every single event….yet not mean one whit in a starving violent country? Or does it? I don’t know. They don’t have chocolate chip cookies to gorge themselves on. They don’t have beer to drown their sorrows. They are so busy fighting for their lives or suffering through having fought for their lives….that they have no time to ponder the existentialism of man. Why am I here? Or, the power of positive thinking. The Secret…is not a secret for them. Why is this? Is this because nobody told them the secret? Why is it a secret? Why are the fundamentals….the rules…secret? God I want a cigarette. You see there? I was uncomfortable with the loss of my momentary joy therefore I wanted to throw comfort at it…and my brain chose a cigarette….a 40 year old reliable piece of comfort. Another day I need to do a blog on…………………………..why are we so stupid. I mean seriously………..the shit we overlook or don’t see cuz they got us lookin over there. Signing off in Costa Rica on this ThanksForGIVING Eve. Happy Day tomorrow, manana folks. Lovelove.



I am matter and I am perfect. I am perfect and I matter. You say I am not perfect? Who say? They say. Who is they? I. I say wrong. I say error. I say hoax. Listen to me now. I want to share a new way of thinking. What is matter and antimatter? Everything ever created is….matter. And if it was created,….it mattered. Everything not created yet…is antimatter. (took em thousands of years to figure out the yin to that yang, go figure) So look out at the night sky. The vastness of it all. The antimatter of it all. And then look at yourself. God created every single cell in your body. As a sculptor, I know what this entails…..to the minutest degree possible. I know that with 7 or more billion people on the planet and none looking exactly alike….that the designer is one who cares immensely. Each human, a work of art. Each animal, a work of art. Each plant, flower, star, bug, rock, raindrop, grain of sand, wisp of wind. All of these are the fruits of God, His beauties…lovingly created with precision and detail so extreme it affects a hundred years. A sculptor must insert every single hair on the head of her creation. Imagine….arms, legs, belly, back….and even chinny chin hairs for us Crones to prove we have wisdom! (3rd eye antenna!) So yes, God does know how many hairs are on your head…..so…….why then…….is it ok……for us to trash HIS ART??????


If I were to go to Iraq and lasso me one of those Isis people…………….tie him up, strip him of his peers…give a bit of time for life to fall off of him…………he will become weary. When he becomes weary, he will break. Break free of the mindset he has been keeping. Now….ask him. Why do you think it’s ok to kill these people? Why is it ok to cut off their heads and to cause so much fear? His answer will be…..because nobody cared about me. This caused an anger. Like a grain of sand that got under his fingernail….it festered. Every thing. Every fear. Every loss. Every dream. Every harm. All comes to love. Were you loved enough? For long enough? Well enough? Truly enough? Deeply enough? Thoroughly saruratedly enough? Enough? The right kind? The right color? (maybe you are loving that with red when it is begging for pink…..ie, intensity) Perhaps we need lessons on love? Love is…..seeing someone. Love is…….listening. Love is….buying peoples chairs….love is…….holding hands during fears…….love is…..saying the truth even if it hurts….love is….seeking each others dreams….love is….saying no. Saying yes. Giving a damn to bother with either a no or a yes. Love is…..a touch. I don’t know if the new generation has been made aware of what was discovered about love and babies. Once upon a time, this was big news. It was discovered at an orphanage. The babies who were not held or cuddled or loved in any way….died. Once they figured this out, they began to touch all the babies. I was not in an orphanage, but I was not touched. I was not hugged. Which brings us to…..perfection again. How can it be that an untouched baby dies and that is perfect? Well….if that baby had not been born, had not been untouched, and had not died with a witness, then another baby would have died. And another. That one babys created life….mattered…..even if only for a few weeks or months, hours or days. So is it ok that the baby was not touched? Yes. Is it ok that I wasn’t touched? Yes. Everything is ok. Everything is a teacher. Paris is a teacher. SandyHook is a teacher. Syria is a teacher. Everything is written in the book of life………one day I hope we get to read it.


Cancer is a teacher. Did you just spend months and months of quality one on one time with your family member? Do you now have memories to carry you? Did you learn anything about the strength of the soul you just helped to release? Did you learn anything about yourself? Did your loved one leave this awesome planet….KNOWING he/she was loved? Death is a teacher. Impending death is a teacher.  While I’ve been inside impending death, I’ve been taught more than when I was just inside life. Life is tame….death is the dance. The death of one is food for another. The death of one is the rise of another. The death of one is the sweet relief of another. While I was trying to stay alive….I learned how to die. While I was learning how to die…..I lived.


Being abandoned is perfection….it leads to being found. Being ignored is perfection….it leads to birthing proof of yourself. Being beaten is perfection….it leads to compassion for others. You see, prayer is difficult when you see the webs……the cobwebs…..the lace work of God. What to pray for? That leads to that, which touches that, which bounces off that and goes there………how does one pray in a world of matter and antimatter….swimming in a world of perfection? I say, one learns to love what is already here…..the matter. It’s here, it matters. And then…….ponder your life. What would you like to do with it that you’re not doing? What did you dream when you were a child? Well…..when you know….when you have remembered…..reach out….grab some of that antimatter that’s just sitting in front of your face…and make something with it! Create! You are a mini god…..so go be godlike! You are the co-director of your life……write some lines! Stage some scenes.…and don’t forget to write yourself in some change of scenery!


Still………..not all feels perfect. Back to that bible……..wisdom  brings pain thing…… I now know that plant life…..is alive like we are alive. It is born, it breathes, it dies. Trees, plants, flowers, grass, moss, etc…….all alive. Are they conscious? I think so. How to eat that? How to landscape that? I hear the gardener and I wonder if on another dimension there are screams being heard. Or maybe here, in this dimension…..but the screams are at a frequency so high we can’t hear, like a dog whistle. Or the cows…. Or the childrens books that show the animals families so happy……while that child eats said animal for dinner. BUT…………the mere fact that I am saying this IS INDEED perfection…….God made me this way…..breathed the words right into my design. Which means He also breathed the words of the murderer into design. Today there is a video going around the world of a little boy being told that the flowers and candles were to protect him from the bad guys. We would not be seeing that video…..people would not be learning that lesson from that particular babe….had there NOT been the devastation in Paris. To every thing there is a reason and a season. Knowing this…………….I await my reason…..and my season. Signing off in Costa Rica where the dogs wouldn’t dare, most deliveries are made by motorcycle drivers who know how to dive and slide, and white people leave their trash and the ticos sell it to the next white people who come. Recycle baby! But what I realllllllly want to say is this…………………..IF I Can care soooo deeply about the plants screaming………………that they matter to me!!!!………….they why oh why………….did I not matter? Where was the love? I want some. Send me some. Thankyou. And so what if I’m different…I’m perfectly different. PS…what you focus on…is what you see. 

(Look at these 2 photos for the WHY

Ok Enjoy…here’s today’s gifts…

And it begins folks…right side middle…the waterdrop web  

I divorced my family….and they let me….seeking familia

As I squat down upon the earth, focusing my eyes with laser precision at the momentary target, be it a bug so tiny a grain of rice would squish it or a mushroom bending with the weight of the dewdrop it is trying to carry on its own……my thoughts go so often to the place of gratitude, of knowing that this moment is happening just for me. Me and me alone. God and I, are playing. We are so intune with each other that I hear the tiniest of etheric notes…or am pulled….oh ya, that’s more like it…I am pulled by an energy. Let me explain. There is a route I typically walk on my mushroom excursions each day. BUT……since God and I are playing, it doesn’t always happen in my order. No. I am led by that energy………another analogy is that God and I are connected by a thread. When He wants to show me something special….he pulls my thread in that direction. I don’t allow myself to doubt anymore. I just do. I follow that golden thread….and I’m certain it’s golden. That seems to be our color. He painted that tiny mushroom gold, then the tiny strip of dirt in a fairytalesque mushroom scene another time, and there was one more I’ve forgotten…..oh ya, the dead butterfly wing. Today….He wanted to show me bugs. Teeeetiny bugs.  Ooooooooh……ya!!! Squeal! And today, just for this right here….see, He’s so thorough…..was a gold painted bug!!! I’ll show ya!!!


I don’t even remember doing it, but apparently I brought a string of lapis lazuli with me. I found them the other day and wrapped them on my wrist. Saged them first of course. Very strong energies. Within an hour, I had basically divorced my family….publically.  On Facebook. Very soon after, the energy was so strong I switched it to my throat chakra as a choker. I’ve been juggling it between my throat and my receiving hand(wrist) a few days and now it has balanced and is wearable. Bet you’re wondering why I did that thing though, huh? Well, here’s the deal. I was born to change the world. I’m stepping up. One step at a time. I identified a thing that was causing me pain…..in the moment. Rather like when one touches fire or gets a cut……..you know it’s happening. When spiritual pain is happening, it’s more subtle…like the frog in the cold water slowly brought to boil. So…..I have evolved and I saw the stove fire on!!! Realized I was in the water and said, oh hell no!!! Iam getting out of the friggin water!!! I made the post and it went as well as the entire life with this family……..only 2 people responded. One, to say….why did you do this to ME? And another to say she was sorry the yearly sister trip was upsetting me….I could go if I wanted. How old am I folks? 54. So….I responded back that it didn’t appear I had been wanted but if they extremely wanted me….I’d consider it. Nope. Nada. If they never wanted me as a sister, then how could they suddenly extremely want me as a sister?  See…the logic is off. Oh well. It was a last ditch effort. Wow………………….when you die and get that montage of life events? I just had that….it was all about life with my family. It leaves me with the Harry Potter in the closet feeling…..waiting for magic to saturate my bones, and blood. Feeling the kundalini rise as it rises again and again within itself, like a fountain….pushing with force because it can do no other thing but to be…..a fountain. Yup, me…….the weed pushing up in the concrete in the city. Wait! It’s in the forest now. The weed and the dirt. I am placing us there. Wanted……….so no longer a weed. A flower now. a Rose, riding the snake. Haha….I do get dramatic! ( I wonder how many have a clue what in the heck I just said) In my defense…..today there was a snake. He had the tiniest head of any snake I’ve ever seen in my life and I was so amazed by that fact that I forgot to be afraid of her. She stopped with her head up….she did NOT have to, coulda slithered fast away. I thanked her for coming. Which calls for another haha…..cuz she came…from basically at my feet. Like I almost stepped on her. Been finding snake skins everywhere. Pieces. Yup. I too am transforming again and again. I am really enjoying this person typing. I have moments…….actual moments when I think…………oh shit. That’s it. I am enlightened now. Ya ya ya, I know it’s a series of those but I mean really realllly reallllllly enlightened. Like holy shit……which then goes to…..crap, I don’t wanna be here then. Or…..crap….I don’t like that outcome or crap….I won’t give that up………which then leads you back to the nice shady tree you’re sitting under. Make sure it’s a good tree. A favorite tree cuz you’re gonna be here awhile. And for those who did not get the underlying currents of my words just now………………..shady tree means back in the dark, no longer in the light, thus no longer enlightened. It is a circle that they say does end but I just got in so I dunno yet. Yes, I just said that. Said that I was in the same circle as those who were high in the energies of enlightenment. How cool is that? I owe most of that to….A. Aya and Amma.


 I remember 2 summers ago. Going to see Amma after just being told I was dying. I wanted her to see me soooo bad. I envisioned it. I saw her see me. I mean see me. There’s only one human on the planet who even comes close and even she doesn’t see my deep deep. No…no cigaro.  Amma did however. She did see me. I felt it. I felt it in the Amma hug that felt longer than most……..yes, I have a need to feel special……perhaps it stems from feeling like you’re shit. Felt it in the mantra she gave me and the promise to carry me through to enlightenment no matter how many lifetimes it takes. That’s what getting a mantra from Amma means. It’s a commitment. I feel her lifting me. She helps me go up the rungs of the ladder out of the dark hole. Like my childhood nightmare…….perhaps life was the nightmare ….the black hole….and what I sought……a hand, a rope, a way out……is happening now. Pulling me up…..towards the light. Example….today I was very sanely allowed to dip into a moment of sadness and then very quickly whisked right up and out with a smile………by me. I and I. (and ayahuasca too)

I see daily that I am not alone in one regard. I see that inside many or most or all of us…..is a thing that insists that we save the world. That we are being called.  I used to think I was nuts and grandiose. Now it’s as common as apples. So many apples and so many kinds of em too. I see that every week at the market. Then there are even fruits with the apple in their name only, not in their body…..but still…..they attach to the apple energy. Otherwise known as lightworkers or blue waves, etc, plenty of us coming out of the closets…So, if this many feel called….does it mean we come preprogrammed that way? We are each inside a body that does that? Or…does it mean that the plan calls for that many for this day and time? Like, did the majority of people feel this way during every civilization? Me thinks not. Me thinks it’s us….and its now and we each have a role to play in this cosmic game. Let us each be brave enough to BE. Signing off in Costa ya baby Rica……where it rains in the rainforest, where winter meets spring at Christmas which is cherished and adored, and snakes stop and say howdy do. Oh……to be an Ambassador here! Let me in!!! LoveLove.

PS…… “Without the depths….we wouldn’t know the oceans.”  


Did Jesus die for you?

The only reason Jesus died on the cross, was so we would remember his name. Crucifixion has been used throughout the ages, and it was horrific enough to be decided upon as a memory event. Probably the trickiest slight of hand in all of mankind. It worked. Sort of. The story, centered on the crucifixion and the sacrifice……..diverting drastically from Jesus’s main message, . His real message….was who we are and what we can do. What the human body is capable of in all of its intricately beautiful machinations. We are designed for full experience of emotions, of love, of life. Life vs death….and we too can do miracles…..when we BELIEVE we can. Now that I know this…I have a new perspective on heaven. If we are alive in heaven….then what’s the goal here? What’s the bonus here that isn’t in heaven? The emotion? Well, that would mean that heaven is full of mechanical unemotional beings. How does love live there? I question these things. I don’t question the Jesus thing. I am absolutely certain of that. He came….to show. Well, rather like in the airplane….the stewardess(Idonotcarethattheyarenowcalledattendants) used to stand up front and show us all the things our airplane was equipped with….to help us out while we were there. Things that would give us an edge…cuz we knew….little tips. Like, hey, this is handy to know, your seat cushion can be used as a floatie!!! Ya……instructions on being human. Jesus was the instruction booklet. Ya….that’s how to say it! Oh….and heaven is a way station. Ya…a pun.

I have just made a realeyesation that I will not share. Feels like it would be a really dumb move if I did, so nope….my trap is shut, HOWEVER, this realization has just explained a quirk of mine that goes all the way back. All the way to early childhood. Actually folks….its more like 3 quirks….that I can now see are related. 3 things that I did daily…..that have contributed to me now….and to a purpose grandiose. Well, the sleeping people would call it grandiose….the awakening ones would call it……….Holy shit. I could be wrong. Testing commences immediately. Haha…..God just gave me a mustard seed for Giants!!! You see, my new knowledge is against the grain. Against advice too. Therefore…….the conditioning that I have received my entire life…..won’t be able to work on me anymore. Next time I have that limiting thought….it will be immediately replaced with the new stuff.

(Top photo….mycelium)

You see, I feel rather funny constantly telling you guys all these neat little coolass things I’ve done with my mind or with animals or birds or bugs. I tell you these things over and over for a very good reason! I too…..am trying to be an instruction booklet. I just did a coolass thing a few minutes ago. If you were here, you’d probably call it a miracle. It is my life. It can be yours. I wanted a hummingbird to come, so I intended it and I sang. She came within the 2nd line of verse and after a quick sip, she turned and looked at me…..her wings all spread and all aflutter. She said…here I am!  I was stunned. I was still singing and she stayed. Why am I shocked? Society dumbs me down daily. Yet….I see hope. There are things……that society would consider impossible….that I KNOW are way more than possible………and apparently they have reached hundredth monkey status and are floating past the people now. I was stunned last night to see 2 sets of goat people from my past….both staunch Christians with that point of view only………..thinking with an enlightened type of thought. Yes and yay!!! By the way…speaking of hope…….I’ve told you how and why God named me Rose when He rebirthed me…….but have I told you the why of the 2nd name? Hope? It’s a no brainer. I am….to give hope. To bring hope. To offer it. To saturate you with it. I am a flower. A rose, who carries hope on her petals. I leave droplets. I, who tried to commit suicide untold times for 38 long long years…..is now a giver of hope. I, with severe depression…..live as many moments of joy as are given me because…………its not time for my death yet…..I am a giver of hope.

If you are a Christian….I mean no harm. I was under that category once upon a time as well. I was not satisfied with that religion and it’s lack of answers….which is why I just wanted to die. Nothing made sense. I had different ideas in mind for what the world should be and it didn’t stand up to my standards. I was a very sad child. That’s cuz ReLiGion spun the world up into a tight yarn. A Very tight yarn. It’s unraveling now. I am one of the ones pulling the string. Help me. Religion divides as sure as the water split way back when. Mine is better than yours…….mine is more powerful than yours….and give me all your money. Oh but guess what? It’s all ok. Even the destructive nuance of religion has its purpose. Division…….allows for connecting. Undivision.

And now…I become the student. Oh…..i made a phrase the other day. “when the student is ready….the teacher will Become”. Only I……..at this moment in life……and any other who preceded me………………………………………………..know what the heck that means. It’s a helluva statement folks. Made more so for me personally…….cuz I experienced it myself and know of it’s validity. Holy shit!!!! Like I said….I can’t tell you everything….but surely……………knowing it’s reachable……doesn’t that give you hope? Student me is really struggling. My thread or the bobbin……..is not correct on my sewing machine and my creativeness is in limbo! Landlady is back from her Indonesia trip and she tried to help…..alas/yay…..it will lead to something perfect! I can tell you this already….after one taking in 2 skirts and beginning a designed one and being forced to stop………I don’t think patterns and I get along. Guess that’s why I’m a designer….not a pattern maker. This may or may not be related( I hear she sews!!!) , but I have just hired a cleaning lady. Go friggin figure. Me! This will help with the landlady……and…….she will kill the bugs that need to go. I simply do not. I guess I’m somewhat Buddhist. The baby spiders……………………………….did I tell you some lived? AND….there’s another nest too on the other side of the bed! They are biting me on my head….neck. Crawling on me again, so we asked her to make an emergency clean……..can I last till Thursday or Saturday? Dunno.

So…….for any who think I will be damned to hellfire for my words today…….me and Jesus are like this……………..’she crosses fingers’. Signing off in Quebradas CostaRica…..where the people love their families, critters get drunk on cacao (aka chocolate), and the mushrooms are beautiful, friendly, prolific, hostage taking, cruel and most awesome killers. If you are not aware…..and why should you be…….in my photos…..when you see white……….that my friends….is mushroom. Mycelium. Actually…..i take so many photos, that the odds of you seeing a photo with just mycelium in it…..is rare….but still. ON the trees, the sticks….just keep your eye out when looking at the photos. LoveLove


 So…did Jesus die for your sins…Or did he die to wake you up? 

the difference in our sameness……CostaRica vs Texas

I guess I am a jetsetter now. By that….I mean sitting in jets going back and forth between Texas and CostaRica. First let me say that it cost one friggin hundred dollars if your bag is overweight. Ya. I’m serious. With United. Due to that, I got to see how the CLASS system works. I was offered a cheaper option to my dilemma….so I took it and I got to fly FIRST CLASS for my first time ever. Unfortuately, it was the tiny flight from Austin to Houston, but still….I did it. So funny that everything in life is separated by class. The rich…the middle…..and the poor. Period. Actually, not funny at all. It needs must stop. Lol, I’ve always loved that line. The wonder of it…..is it allowable in the English language? Hahhaaa. Well, it was short so I don’t know about food or comfort really…but I can say this. Huge mega foot room…huge arm rests where you don’t touch each other….drinks while loading and any time during flight…coat rack. Yup…..a coat rack. Prime invitation to forget it. Better? Yes. Worth the hundreds of dollars different? NO.

When you jet, it’s hard to adjust to where you are. I guess if you do it constant you adjust? 2-3 times a year though, wow. I was stressing about getting milk before the stores closed upon arrival to CostaRica last night. Oops…..I drink box milk here. During the night, when I needed to pee, I started to get out of the wrong side of the bed. In the morning, I didn’t want to step on the dog. Hmmm. No dog. Juggling this life and that life…..is weird. They are so frigging different. Night and day….light and dark. CCContrast baby. Is way more than shadow and light. IN America, only in the country….do people wave. Here, the beep beep and hand waves of the bus driver as he passes by the people each hour. Same bus, same guy….all day long they say HI. And the little child, holding onto the CostaRican thiefshelter metal bars surrounding her house….sees my smile from within the bus and then my wave. She smiles and waves back then turns to her Grandmother and says something like….she sees me, she sees me!!! I wait, staring forward, then…as the bus pulls away….another perfectly timed wave and mouth wrinkler to seal the deal and wala….one child experienced a moment of joy……of being seen. So simple. So needed.

I’ve tried unsuccessfully to share with you my views on the driving here. I don’t know how to explain it with its full juice. I do NOT know the reality….the laws here…….what I know is how it feels to me and it feels to me like there are no road/driving laws. None. Feels like none…..feels like none are needed because the people are intelligent beings who comprehend what is needed….and they act accordingly. 9 months…I’ve seen one wreck. I am not scared. Haha….oh…..I should tell you about my day now. Ran out for a couple minutes to see the baby mushrooms that had sprouted before I left. I loved them. Chunky fat stems and no top. I adored them. Whoa. They are grown adults in 3 weeks time. Then caught that bus I told you about. It’s Sunday. I only had a tiny bit of local money and 1 $20 bill and 1 $100 bill.  Most stores won’t take US money. Especially not a 100.  Short story….. during my frustration, I was pointed to a clothing store who cashes money!!!!! Yeehaw! Flower in a junkyard!!! Ok. Oh…..and I am tired. Everything made me drag. Don’t think it’s the illness, just stress and travel. I think that illness is either gone or at bay. Oh ya……at Customs, when the lady was so non smiling and scarylike asking why….why are you here again??? Damn! Because I am alive here Lady!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There….I’m dyin. Ugggh……I am should NOT be a contraction!!!!! EVER!@^&*$%$!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Back to my day……………time to go home from town now. Bus not gonna work today cuz I’m too tired and its Sunday schedule. Stupid icloud issues and now I can’t call my short distance taxi guy and am forced to walk up to the line of taxis and say……………..English? English, yes!!! I go to it. Quebradas please. How much? 4 dollars. Hmmm. Should be 8. My first clue. I think it was God giving me a kind lesson in being in my own power. Guy goes a direction I don’t know. Hmmm. Ok. He knows better than me. Oh boy. No. Four times I say…no…wrong way! Wrong way. I don’t know this. Finally I say take me back to town. He does, but it took a bit to even know that cuz I did not pay attention on the roads. THEN….I show him, the TICO taxi driver…..where Quebradas is. By then his meter is higher than I will pay. I explain how much I should give him. I hand him 10,000 colones. He hands me 2 mil. NOT. I grab my green bill back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahaha!!!! Then I PULLED the right money from his hand. He say….good? We good? Hahahahahahaaaaa. Welcome home!!!  I am so giggling right now.



Another contrast. Christmas here starts Nov. 1. Seriously starts. Where in America it’s uggh, do they have to start the decorations now? The commercials now? Here…..it is a season. They are preparing their stores and it is window shopping time. So precious. I love these people. I hear there’s a fair in February………..can’t wait for those contrasts!!! One thing is the same here however…….today I saw a woman reach with full purpose for an odd size box set on the street for trash pickup. It was one swift smooth motion of pure knowing…..knowing that that box would be absolutely perfect for what she needed. I heard the man. My mouth wrinkler gwent south when I looked behind me and saw her cross that street empty handed. Why do people not allow others to be sure of themselves???? Let her take the damn box! What would it hurt? Oh well. Change takes effort. And………………I am home safely in my little cabina. Just trying to catch my breath and rest….sleep is going to come to me peacefully tonight…..she is. Oh…..you all missed the spider saga. I told them before I left I was coming back and would be removing their webs. Damn. A web of babies a couple inches from my head. I asked for prayers and I had a conversation with her myself and she didn’t move….so I took a plastic knife and wrapped a nice piece of mohair wool on it, explained what I was about to do and that I needed to claim my space. Very sorry. I twirled that knife like cottoncandy and she jumped off. Damn. I showed her in my mind where I put the babies but she went too slow and a lizard found them first. Lo siento. Mas lo siento. Today was all about finding my power within instead of reverting to old action of frustrated tears. Even that was a contrast. The oh no!!!…. To the Oh yay! Signing off here in Quebradas where there is now another taxi driver who knows where Quebradas is, the mushrooms love me, and it’s Christmas! I’ll have to buy myself gifts. :=))  Lovelove MamaSheri with Sunshine inside……hmmm……might ponder the Christmas present thing. PSSS…………….pray for the world.