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Ancient Mother…

I’m not all elegant like the Goddess people. And I’m not all that sophisticated. Sophisticate. Sophie. Sophie the Original Mother…or one of them anyways. Quite a few Primordial Mothers out there really. I get it. Each time span…..thought of their life as the first….thus they wrote about it like that. Unless of course things were channeled back then too….which isn’t all that crazy considering they experienced burning bushes and booming voices from the sky. All signs of psychedelics. Reworking the brain. Cycle after cycle…eon after eon….until you’ve cycled through and or…figured it out and won the golden ticket. No, you don’t need the psychedelics….but you’ll surely need to stimulate your internal ones if you don’t want to take any. I was not under the influence of any outside medicines or stimulus when I received a CALL from God. Yikes. How embarrassing in this age of the microscope. It’s really not that big of a deal. He Calls on people all the time. IN fact, this wouldn’t be my first. It would be my 3rd. I gracefully and hilariously heeded those calls…and even this one at first. I did it…..then I removed it as if it never happened and I crawled inside a clam shell. I didn’t understand it. It was a surging. A passion that stirred me to swirly swirls and giddiness. A Mother. A Mother? There’s a Mother God? Truth be told….I’ve been whispering those words under my breath for six months now. And I believe they(Heavenly representatives)…. want me to represent Her?

 

But why? Since that time….I’ve learned there are many many women Called by The Mother. I tell myself there are so many…surely they don’t need me. Then I remind myself that I am the only me available, and possibly….my me-ness can open eyes where anothers can’t. What am I opening your eyes to? The Mother! The feminine. The idea that there is a difference….and it’s there for a reason!!! I also look at their choice of me…I didn’t get to raise either of my human children…yet I was still required to understand mothering, so God gave me animals. Goats. Oodles and oodles of goats. Along with birds, sheep, cows, horses, cats, and dogs. Nocturnal too…I carried a tiny sugar glider in my pocket for years like a kangaroo mama.  I learned every phase of life and every phase of mothering. Even the sacrifice of the lamb. She was dying and I couldn’t let her suffer. Middle of the night. The only tool available to end her suffering was my two tiny hands. Love. Mother Love. I already knew the biggest mother lesson. You sacrifice for them to have better. And that was a sacrifice because the vision is now in my heart… of the silencing of the lamb.

 

The Mother is resurging. Having a renaissance to pull Herself up from the chained treasure chest at the bottom of the seas. SHE is calling us. Pulsing through our bodies with sacred love. It’s a need. An ache. Mother. Mother. Mother may I? May I allow my childmind to curl up in your arms and sleep? May I rest in you? May I wake in you? May I feel your fire pulsing and pull it into me? May I tend the ache and stir the ashes….build the flame? Rise the passions within me so I can blow a gentle breeze under the wings of others? Remind them all that there is a feminine? That there IS another side. Deny all they want, but it only hurts and never helps. How can you balance the masculine and the feminine within you….if you don’t hold honor or respect or faith in the feminine? If there is honor, respect or faith in the masculine…then there must be honor, respect and faith in the feminine. That’s how you balance. A one sided scale is….broken. YES…it’s broken!!! You see, I understand it now. I understand the point. It took me a full half year to find the point. Research, study, quandary, questioning, seeking, asking, sorting, meditating, praying, demanding, screaming, indifference(for 2 seconds), and complete rehash on the mind seesaw. Tears, anger, fear, embarrassment, goofiness…..I felt all of these. In the end, it’s a simple request being asked of me, and others. What and how we go about this request…is the fun challenge for each to determine. When I first had this CALL, I was thrilled and giddy with excitement. What fun I could have teaching the world the goodness and juiciness of the women they’ve been overlooking and walking on for ages. How they could change the planet into utopia…if only they utilized their precious gems in the right fashion.(gems being the human minds and hearts).  If they cherished and expanded the worth and role of the feminine in all areas of creation and life…all would quickly see that the design is flawless….male AND female. It’s the players who can’t see all sides of the facets…that had doomed creation into a lopsided mess.

 

So here I am. Here we all are. Some are Goddesses. Some are Priestesses. I am neither. I am the Mother. Crone version. I always saw myself in white flowy gowns with flower wreaths in my hair. My vision was off. I am………….a rainbowfied hippyfied crone mama wearing flowy color and sass. This is that big thing I was so scared of as a child! What’s to be scared of? This is me….telling you….there is a Mother God that has been written out of history!!!  I’m here to help write her back in. Told you I was here to save the world!!!  Haha….change it anyway! There….see? Done! Not so hard after all. So……………just call me Mama!  Haha…or Mamafeathers or MamaSheri or MamaWillow or Mama Pluma …..or Sunshine, Rose or Hope! As the world wakes to another Mothers Day…take a moment to think. The Father? With no Mother? Who birthed us? I am woman. It is in my soul to say…masculine without feminine is imperfection…thus it is NOT GOD. Do yourself a favor on this special day…look into it. Search out the ancient mother. Find her in all her glory. All HER many names. Nammu, Isis, Sophia, Ashera, Inanna, Hathor, The Holy Spirit, and probably maybe 50 more names…last but not least being Mary. Mother Mary. Many names…same energy. Same milk. Same tits. Same Love. Mary Mary quite contrary…how does your garden grow? With syrups and thorns and drops and storms. WILD. Wild woman…wild mother…wild child. Rewild…it does a body good. That….or Mothers Milk but you’d have to uncover a tit for that.

rise and shine my beauties…! 

The question of why are we here on this earth….is never answered. Nobody ever walks back in from the dead and says Hey…it’s like this…..and then spills the beans on what happens after the body vessel ceases to be. After we die. Where do we go? Proof? Nobody knows. And since nobody knows….that makes it an unknown. The unknown is so powerful….it’s probably an entity by now. We fear the unknown. Bottom line is….no…..we don’t know. So, we each choose which belief sits right with our soul. Our bellies. Our hearts. In the end though…our beliefs are truly as unique as we each are….one of a kind snowflakes of beliefs. From there….since nobody is alike, we attach ourselves to energy that most closely resembles our snowflake. That……….is the instant……………that we choose to become undifferent. It began in naiveté. It ended in groups, cliques, religions, etc. But it never stops there. As with Reiki. Let me tell ya a little story about greed.  It began with a man seeking enlightenment…sitting under a drip drip drip…landing on his crown chakra(top of his head). This drip drip drip meditation that he did for many many days, revealed to him a healing method…..a gift for the world. Reiki. Enter greed, jealousies, women….I don’t remember the details, but in the end…..there were 2 reiki’s. One from this teacher and one from that teacher. All the same wisdom. Like the lotus…..reiki sits in the dirty water……but stays above it all. Splits. Splits, Divisions….Coming together…I see a thing, pulsing in on itself. Is it a horus thingy? Energy folding in on itself. Water. It’s like water. If you rock a waterbed too many times…it crashes into itself. Ehhh, but then it settles again. I dunno, but I really did see a picture in my head of the chain reaction of belief.

 

From my vantage point….I see 2 peoples. 2 groups. My theory is that one group has no idea they are in a group even. And all they know about the other group….is that they are weirdos. With off the wall beliefs. That just means different. People fear different even though they are different. They fear themselves. These two groups………………the sleeping…………..and the awake. There is nothing wrong with either group. Both are just exactly what they are supposed to be. Like it or not…we all have a job here. Somes job is to be awake and somes job is to be asleep. I bet you sleepy people must wonder just what that means? I’ll give you the nutshell MamaSheriSunshine version…….

ASLEEP: Living life exactly as they have since childhood. Day to day, planning a future, not really questioning why you’re on this planet…..why anyone is on this planet. You live your life and then you die. To live. To die.

AWAKE: Co-creates the life that happens exactly as it should, so there is no question of why….why did they die….why did this happen to me? We know the answers to those questions so we don’t ask those questions. We may not know the specifics of our purpose until we find it….but we know the bottomline of our purpose. To awaken. To help. To evolve.

 

So…..the ones who know…run around trying desperately to share what they know…..to help awaken others. Those others just laugh…..until they don’t. They used to laugh at me 16 years ago when God sent me on this knowledge journey about Spirit…………..I was embarrassed but I couldn’t stop if you paid me. I am a seeker. All seekers are helpers. And the helpers are everywhere! Like glitter! Sparkling……to catch your eye!!! We say intriguing things. Monkish things. We have our own language. And there are levels! Like in school………………oh ya……most awake people believe that earth is a school. So……….we climb the ladder of understandings….which there seem to be no end of. As soon as you understand one thing….it opens up another thing to ponder. And it’s really funny………………….as I climb…..I am able to see who is on my level!!! Like playing Mario Brothers!!! All I can tell you is…………….I’ve been on this journey for 16 years. This last year………..whoa. A doozey. I’d say I rose more in this year alone….than in all the 16 put together. Ayahuasca.

  

    
    
 
   
    
 I am at a place of contentment. Not a static place, but a place of peace. Didn’t know it was possible really. I feel good about who where what when ….I am. I am 30 minutes from ayahuasca…..in truth….I am 10 steps………………but I choose not to. I’ve had repeated invites to cacao ceremonies……nope. My Rhonda, who sessions me into awareness of past lives which explains this life……I feel a need to NOT call her. I think they call this Integrating. I’ve been….all this time….but right now……I’m full………………….and I’m letting the cup settle. I don’t want to waste a drop.  A drop of life. A few months back, I told you about a Sisterhood Gathering I went to. I, never getting along with women…..I, who did a GOD event and did a temp shift of masculine to feminine…….went to be around females. Females. Sacred Feminine. I cannot tell you what God has impressed into my feeling belly………I don’t know how to explain. It is so big. So huge. It IS the salvation of the planet………..it IS what turns the tide. I know this. HOWEVER…..I wasn’t going to go to the next Sister event. I felt it had let me down. While there, it held such promise that I even felt that wizard in me……………..we sang of being raindrops. I took it literally. I am a drop. A drop of rain. A drop of water. A drop of love. A drop of rainbow. A drop of light. I AM. But the feeling of connection………..it just wasn’t there. Reaching out yielded nothing. I thought they didn’t like me. Then I thought they thought I stole the money that went missing. My ego told me they didn’t like me and it proved it to me over and over. Ha. Turns out, no one has a problem with me. It was all made up drama!!! Granted……….there still was not the connection I was seeking….but it was not cuz they didn’t like me. Yay! So…..last night I decided to go, and then I read the registration form and there was something on there that went up and down my spine in a bad way…………..I wrote to them. Today I was congratulated on my voice!!! Haha. For speaking up for myself….so they are gonna chat and decide. I can stand my ground now. I should go. This is important. SOOOOO important.

 

So……………………..the 2 groups…sleeping and awake. Guess what? We are not 2. We are all brothers and sisters……laid down for the long winters night……………and some are early risers….some are log sleepers and some are laying under the covers snuggling. No division there. No…….just Family. Familia. As for me…..me and my contentment….well, I shall not lay in this contentment…..I’m far too excited for that. I don’t even want to try the psilocybin microdose…..if I don’t feel depressed….I don’t need it! I just don’t need anything but me and Spirit….and friends….and tribe…but that’s another blog. Signing off at Quebradas, Costa Rica where rainy season is better than dry season, the grass gets crunchy like in Texas, and mushrooms sprout anywhere!!! Lovelove.

   
    
    
    
 

I……..complete Me

As I lay here in bed this morning giggling…I realized… I was entertaining myself. Like the new food I am eating…..I am really enjoying the one pot wonder…..and I see it reflected back at me. I am a one pot wonder! I am a vessel. We all are. A vessel that holds our consciousness….our soul. I miss people…they are not around me often enough…Thursdays, I see people on Thursdays….however….I am finding that my own company is really rather entertaining. Instead of the whiny putmedowns…..I have a feeling you will find me telling you of magical parts of me instead. It is as if a cover had been thrown over me…..to protect me from the harsh winter…..and now spring has arrived and the cover has been thrown off and I am stark naked….under the sun. Ahhhh……I was born that way ye know! The sun…..so thrilled to see me…..comes and wraps himself around me…..touching me. Skin only touched by human hugs and this touch…the kiss of the Sun. Let’s say I’m a rose….as God said. Ok…..I have been born….i am naked…..I am a rose. Ah wait……I am more than a rose. I am veins…….oooooooh….roots!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I always wanted roots! I create my own grounding roots, but veins…………..oh my……roots of a different color. Vein roots don’t join the mother…..they live only in me. My roots. Roots. They are so rainbowy!!! (the name of my new business btw, is Rainbow Roots)…………….by rainbowy, I mean diverse. Big ones, little ones, tall ones, flat ones, blue ones, red ones….heart ones, brain ones. My favorite person ever born…my PapPap………had a brain tumor. It arrived while I was in the belly. He was able to live 20 more years because his veins….his roots….helped. They rerouted themselves around the tumor, and forged another path. A path that let him live.

 

I am blood! I am womans blood. Bolder and stronger than the lion in winter. Ah whatdya know….I can even tell ya now why that saying exists!!! The lion in winter. The lion is known for its roar….as THE king. So, what would the difference be between winter and summer?  In summer, its hot. Lay around and rest hot. In winter, the cold brings a friskiness that sparks sparks and wakes up cells. That’s when the animals play. My life has shown me this truth. Just because I was dipped in the extreme challenges tank before I was sent to my mothers womb, doesn’t mean that this LION isn’t within me….within this rose. She is. She grows new leaves and tendrils and shoots and she rises daily…toward the light she strives…leans…focuses. What does that mean????? It means the good. The Godly. The natural. Nothing against the human inventions…..it’s just that I…….and I….follow the FatherMother spark that creates all. I do not have to strive to be seen by them…by the light. It either touches me…or it doesn’t. And it does. Boy howdy, it does. Sometimes I feel singled out….precious amidst the other weeds and seeds. I wonder….why does He bless me so? Why do I feel like a cradled babe tenderly rocked, tenderly shown the wonders…..the magic….of the Kingdom. I live in the most magical of places……..My mind and the dimensions it escorts me to……and I house my body in what some would call paradise. I have learned though, that paradise is…………to each his own. What is paradise to me is hell to others, and vice versa. So……why is God showing me special consideration? He’s not. I just pay attention and I have my hand in His, so when He moves….I move. Simple. Not easy. I really do think it’s that simple. I listen to the tiny whispered voice inside. I follow it.

   

  

  

  

  

  

  

It’s like this. Imagine you are in the woods with friends. They place a blindfold on you and spin you around. You don’t know anything now. All you know is you are there…..and your friends were there….and you’re in the woods. You can’t see. Which way should you go? Should you go? Should you stand there forever frozen like a tree? Be like a tree? No……you’re human…you need to go!!! To explore! I follow the familiar vibration….feeling. Oh………hmmmm…….feels kinda cold….go back. Yes. It’s very much like the games of children. Where we are getting colder or warmer as we zero in on our target. We practiced for years…we know how to do this!!! My God doesn’t have a picture in my head. No clue what my God looks like. Just know there is one. A being who watches over me and steers me…..I hang on His hem. And Jesus….well, he and I are close. I don’t say a prayer without putting it in his name. To be honest, I started doing that out of fear awhile back. Cover my bases ye know? Now I know what I’m doin. YAY….did I actually just say that? HA. Yes. I am coming into mySELF. My Divinity. And if you say I have none….I’d respectfully have to disagree. I am a thread in the garment of GOD. That makes me Divine. My thread…is gold. No question about it…but not a typical gold….a rainbow gold. My gold. Between us.

 

So….I am a vessel with blood and roots. And…..since I am a rose….then I am the flower as well. Take it even one tiny step further and I am a light being…..a lightpost…..therefore….I am even my own SUN. I am…..complete. IAM……a one vessel wonder……..and I am expanding…like my chakras did today, a full bloom is beginning. Oh to be alive in such a time as this!!!! To be alive……………and to be able to share the wonder…………..across the globe in an instant. I am truly blessed. Signing off at Quebradas, Costa Rica where the jungle wants to gift you to turn your frown upside down, the parrots fly overhead in large noisy groups, and gardeners have NO RESPECT for mushrooms!!!!!  Lovelove

   
    
    
    
 

i See YOU….

I feel like I’m inside of this petri dish. I remember them from highschool. There is a gooey substance inside and you lay what you want to study…in the gel. Then you watch how it intermixes with the air and the light and other factors. I guess. Shady memory, only lets me see the bits the light is shining on. In the same way that I thought my waterdrop mushrooms were a petri dish for me…..I feel like a petri dish for the world. As if this is what God wants. I guess that’s why I share so much of me. But I’ve done that from the start here. No, this is more. This is me…..being whizzed along on the fasttrack…………dropping tiny jewels, as I learn them. I can’t and don’t want to share every intimate thing….and this relationship I am having with the forest???? Oh honey….its exceedingly intimate. I am easily stimulated. A life. A death. An attack. A whisper. A call. An interloper. One of my favorite things about the jungle….I can’t really show you. I told you about it once. Once is not enough. Its magic. If you ever doubt……that there is something greater???? Come to the jungle. Watch with me…..as we are greeted by select flora. At first, you may think….oh….it was the wind! Until……………..there is no wind. Until you finally sponge it into you………that that leaf……………..is dancing! It is dancing only because it is happy to see you. I swear. I don’t lie. It is a remarkable thing. It reminds me of a puppet show. Some…..are waving so hard it’s like a long lost cousin waving wildly……dancing up and down…..next to its sleeping neighbors………….as it seeks to be seen. All beings want to be seen.

 

I am their witness. Some, as I’ve said, hide or fly away, but so so many bugs……will just stand there patiently…no matter what I do….until I feel I’ve gotten a good enough shot. Today, one let me pick up the leaf and situate it better, against a prettier more flattering backdrop. The internet calls it photobombing. I, think it is the universe, wanting to see itself. Like there is a beetle so shiny red, that I was looking for my reflection in him. Aside from needing love and touch….there is one more ruling factor in humanity…..we need to be seen. I SEE YOU. Think back to childhood. What did you want most in the world…..to have that bike? Or to have your parents see you ride that bike? Did you see me? Did you see me? Look at me! All of that…translates to……………the woman sitting alone, eating because she is so lonely……………the man jacking off to the internet model because she says his name……………oh, well, the man comming when you say their name for that matter!!!………………the artist who sits with paint splatters so beautiful they dwarf the art, the art unseen by eyes………the child who is put in the trash can by the resident bully. SEE ME. Or…….please, someone see me, just for a second, I won’t take up much time.  From the terrorist with his suicide vest, saying Look Ma, no Hands…..to the machogunweildinglionkillers, who want to hang these poor animals on their walls so people will SEE THEM.

  

 

 
   

  

  

  

  

   

  

  

  

It’s a primal need. What good did it do Adam to have Eve….if he didn’t even know she was there? He had to see her first. And in order to like her….he had to see her better. And for love…well, he had to take his green glasses off and put on some pink rosie ones, so he could appreciate all the many nuances…..the many ways she was not like him. What was there in her that he needed to see? Why did God make her? Why did God make that child with the head falling backwards and the twisted feet? What does that boy need to see….or others need to see about him? I can tell ya my guess though about that boy, even though this holds for any disability……this, hurt to look at, with his head hanging upside down, down his back, and one can only SEE HIM…..and know LOVE. This young man lives and is happy. An extreme example of what do I have to complain about???? If, like with touch…..we are not seen…………………we wither and die like a flower who was born under a bush……….no light could reach…..no soul could see way back there in the dark.

 

I’d like to ask a favor. It’s a biggie. Every time you see a frowning person…a sad person….a lost person….a scared person…….SMILE. That’s all. Smile….look them in the eyes……and smile. See them. ON buses…..back seats of cars whizzing by on the highway……street corners……cubicles…..Offices….tanning salon….bars…..hospitals……OH gosh…..smile at the elderly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please….as a society……while we seek to take better care of the children and their minds…..please….let’s not forget the elders. Those who did it already!!! Those who have already endured what you and I will most likely go through in our lives. Those who have endured the most pain for the simple reason that they’ve been here longer. Let’s touch their hearts. Let’s seek careers with them….instead of leaving them to the unwanted and angries of this world. Sometimes……a simple smile says it all. A smile can change a heart. And if it can change a heart….it can change an outcome. Signing off at Quebradas, Costa Rica where you can learn to sleep with a snake in the house, the beetles have a CANDY paint job, and most bugs want their mugshot taken. Lovelove. PS….don’t forget about the Kings and Queens and the movie stars and red carpet. Its a need. Maybe if we fill it…..people won’t feel so empty….and go seeking other ways to be seen….like chopping heads off. LOVElove.

   
    
 
   
   
 

ignoring our call…….

I’ve just realized I am ignoring my call. It screams at me…I follow it…then I see its truth and say no….that’s not for me. I’m not enough. I don’t have enough. Honest to goodness….just a moment ago…for the thousandth time, I saw a word and went to follow where it led. When I arrived at the well of that writers heart, it shivered me….as always. My soul has always sat up, turned around, saying to itself…what, what? Did someone say……? Always, when I get there, learn what they have come to share, I leave split still. One of me says we are….one of me says who ME? I war with myself. The difference though, is that now…..I hear my self…….I hear the words I say to my self. I catch them in the act. Stunning…..just stunning. I can now reroute when I see the ridiculousness of what my brain had been doing. It’s not all ridiculous though. After all, this body, brain and I all gotta go together. So…today was typical. I saw the word….followed it…felt my excitement and wish that I could be such….told myself I would never reach this goal so don’t bother reading any further. Heard myself tell myself that……rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Oh heck no!!! Oh my. I realized it was a line that had been playing in my head my entire life. I always thought it was a wannabe thought. An I WISH thought. Today I realeyes’d that this thought has always been with me…….well, both actually. The original WORD…..and the Ego reaction to it. Anyway….having that realization then set me on a path of linking up with thoughts that fit in that category, so I could now apply this new knowledge. WOWZA. I am seriously a human who is being upgraded……sure wish they’d hurry up on the emotions though. Little me doesn’t even want to say the word. Oh…I say the word all the time….but not in conjunction with my Self. Like yesterday…..a surreal happening. After posting that I had been accused of being NewAge(we hate that term ye know)……and posting Jim Carrey’s video with it…..my friend then shared that Jim Carrey video and named some people who had helped her. One, was mine. WOW! Well, actually I knew this, she tells me often. Another name was Eckhart Tolle. Ha!!! My name….alongside Eckhart Tolle…!!! It was a feel good moment. I think, isn’t that the guy who had the spiritual rebirth, similar to mine? Anyway…cool beans.

     

  

       

  

  

     

 It’s been a magnificent couple days….outside for close to 4 hours each day. I literally flow from ahhhhhh to aHHHHHHH! It’s been bugs. Put in front of me…spectacular bugs. As if they were ordered to do it. One but went round to the back of the leaf….finally I bent the leaf. I just kept twisting it till he was within camera shot and he didn’t budge. An inch from my hand and not a quiver. The gardener killed the sparkle waterdrop crystalline situation….would you believe he killed 2? Wow….was I blessed….to watch 2 in the most magical processes I’ve ever seen. Still wanna know the purpose……seriously Buller drop overkill. Buller drop is the rain drop that the mushroom uses to spread its spore. This is Buller drop on universal steroids. Well…it was. After the gardeners tools sent garden bodyparts all over these mushrooms with their perfect spheres………..they have now gone to the last phase of the mystery process, which is…covering the mushrooms in white fuzz. The hairy kind….not the tiny white mushroom kind. Gosh, I’m boring you. Hmmm…..there’s a snake in my cabin!!! He’s been here for hours now. Been gathering up courage all day to get close, move things, poke around…trying to get him to leave. Nope…well, I suppose he could be gone but I have no way to know that. I’m being brave. And dumb. An out was given me….a phone number to a guy who handles snakes. I didn’t wanna bother him…it was nearly dark by then. So…me and the snake. Alone. Well….with all the lizards and most likely the bathroom frog. Oh…and the ants. Last night, for some weird reason, the big ones were walking across the kitchen in a line. Every so many seconds, the front one would turn around and make sure everyone was still in the line. I saw a poor worm who popped up for air……and was pounced on by a million ants. Poor worm. Happens to butterflies too. Harsh place, this jungle. Can be. She’s being kind to me. I’m grateful. They are removing so much leafage here. So much shade from the mushroom areas. Today there was more cut…..he shouldn’t arrive till tomorrow! Spirit gave me blue mushies to cheer me up though. A bunch of them Ha. That’s when I was scared though. Guess I was upset, so not in full control….therefore I whacked the leaves and announced my arrival onto the forest floor before I jumped down….haven’t done that in months…so was showing my fear. Fear of snakes. So…..when I returned to my real safe zone…where I sleep…here is the snake. Spirit…..teaches strong. Signing off here in this lonely cabina in Quebradas, Costa Rica where bugs wear their eyes backwards, grasshoppers wear neon car paint colors, and I’m wearing a maxi tankdress with a red crochet tassle vest. Yeehaw!!! And flipflops. My first warm winter ever! I have however, exchanged cold….for bug bites. Lovelove.

   
     

    
    
    
  
 

 
  

losing someone….something

As a race of beings….we cannot handle loss or change. It is the blade we lean upon….to prove we are in control. Control over what? Do you know for sure where you are? Why you are? We could be inside the eyeball of some tiny being looking up from a crack in a stump. We really know nothing. Because we know nothing, we are scared. Because we are scared, we look for things to comfort the pressure valve inside us. Those things we deem our comfort….we label as OURS and Nobody is taking them from me!!! We hang on for dear life. Homes, towns, hurtful family members, awesome marriages, horrible marriages, archaic and cruel beliefs, familiarity. Our families, our loved ones, our animal friends. We attach. We attach an invisible cord to these comforts and they are ours. We don’t wanna leave and we don’t want them to leave us. We will not let go. I will never let go. We seek cures to death up to the very last breath. We curl up in heaven with our loved one and we don’t move. Ever. The world is going on around us and we are sitting on a couch, in our jammies, crying. A pile of tissues proves we’ve been here for years and the moving company has come to take us away haha….we watch around us as all the reminders are carried away….past us, like a procession……to be placed upon a shelf in a new space…….and we are frozen. We refuse to let that child go. That husband. That dog. That job. That weight. That hurt.

   

We want everything to last forever. The ultimate contradiction. A society who tries to kill itself daily…..wants to last forever. I guess if we are frozen, we want the world to freeze alongside of us. What I now understand and don’t understand…..is why we choose to wear these eyeblinders….these rose colored glasses. Its easier, for sure. Can’t we ignore the drivel and just use our own eyes? Nothing is permanent on this planet. Nothing! NOthing. Those gigantic mushrooms they say were here before the Gods and Adam…..they are pieces of rubble. The pyramids….not in perfect condition. Time and life erodes all. It’s all just a moment. I wish we could enjoy the moments….then go on to see what the next one is!!! Instead of hanging on….letting go. Freefall. Let the Divine planner plan. Keep walkin. Keep breathing. Here’s a sad example for you. A lady just posted that her sister was in a car crash and that the injuries would affect her sisters career. To me, that says it was time for a new career. If earth is the Experience School…….we are here to experience. We are also here to experience not experiencing…..but that too is a choice. The firefly in the jar can either keep breathing until he quits….and who knows, he may be freed from the jar and live to fly all the way to Costa Rica and land on my glass French door where I will squeal with delight…………..or………he can flutter and flutter and try to escape….freaking out cuz there’s no air…….can’t get out…..claustrophobic…..help……woe is me, until his struggles wear away and he runs out of breath and ceases to BE. This goes for everything we cling to so tightly. My cookies. My pot…oh crap, no. My beer. My cigarettes. My goats. My home. My Texas. My daily life with hubby. My dying. My living here with my daughter….she is not here at the moment or months of moments. My cookies. (now I make different cookies. Healthier ones).

 

While I can say all this I now understand…..that there still remains so much that I do not understand. Why does this theory work so well in my life…..explain every single event….yet not mean one whit in a starving violent country? Or does it? I don’t know. They don’t have chocolate chip cookies to gorge themselves on. They don’t have beer to drown their sorrows. They are so busy fighting for their lives or suffering through having fought for their lives….that they have no time to ponder the existentialism of man. Why am I here? Or, the power of positive thinking. The Secret…is not a secret for them. Why is this? Is this because nobody told them the secret? Why is it a secret? Why are the fundamentals….the rules…secret? God I want a cigarette. You see there? I was uncomfortable with the loss of my momentary joy therefore I wanted to throw comfort at it…and my brain chose a cigarette….a 40 year old reliable piece of comfort. Another day I need to do a blog on…………………………..why are we so stupid. I mean seriously………..the shit we overlook or don’t see cuz they got us lookin over there. Signing off in Costa Rica on this ThanksForGIVING Eve. Happy Day tomorrow, manana folks. Lovelove.

   
    
    
    
 

shadows on me…

WARNING….this is a post about the past…..if nobody knows the tree fell in the woods….how would they know to mourn its passing?

I believe Iam meant to do something good for this world. Perhaps I’ve already done it…perhaps not. I have produced two special seedlings ye know. Or perhaps it was that time when I did as God commanded and danced. Or the time I did as God commanded and bought an RV and went to South Dakota to pray on the mountain of Bear. Maybe it was smaller, like listening to the young man who desperately needed to share with someone….what he was doing to himself, how much….oh how severely much pain he was in, as he lifted his shirt to reveal the scars of ten thousand unseen tears. I don’t know why I just told you this, he says. Or another whose words nearly imitate, but instead of scars, he presented words of his horror….done to him. I don’t know why I just told you this, he says. Such words repeat throughout my life, as people unburden themselves to me. Un burden. Not carrying, not heavy, not hard. To unburden oneself of held down pain……frees the soul to live. This is one of my gifts. Must be an invisible energy bubble title floating near me that only some can see….that says….it’s ok. You can tell me. Rather like a priest at confession…..they just do. Who knows, maybe one of them went on to become a Doctor who saved the life of the…who…who…who will one day save the planet from the photon rays of planet Ubibyelie. See? Now if that happens…..I can rest in peace. Until then…I don’t have a clue so I gotta go on the assumption…I know…that ass thing……that I have not yet begun to live…..not yet begun my destiny. Did you hear the groan heard around the world?

 

If we do not learn from the past….we are doomed to repeat it. This is good logic insofar as the people involved understand that they did something wrong. Not that anything is wrong mind you….as we have established. Things are as meant to be for experience sake. But if we wanted a different future…..a different perspective…then we’d better be clear on what worked and what didn’t. In the past, words of love were rarely spoken. That’s what poets were for. So how did people know they were loved, I wonder? Maybe they had to guess too and that’s why there was so much fighting goin on? Without love…chaos reigns and rains. As I woke on this planet, a tiny babe….a new generation of children…..I woke with a need to know I was loved and cherished. Musta been a new modification they added to the early 60’s model human. Need for love. Uh oh. A new category………with no products yet in it!!! What I mean by that is that way back when, nobody said I love you…..so when I and we suddenly came to the planet needing love…..nobody knew how to give it. Nobody even knew they were supposed to give it. It was a new addition…..the majority did not read the fine print on the new life contracts, I’d say. Well……what we don’t change, we are doomed to repeat right? So……..I tackled that at age 18. I wrote a letter to my mother and stepfather telling them that love and hugs were needed now on earth and sorry but they needed to step up. And they did. Best they could I suppose.

 

That’s just one aspect of how I became this beautiful glorious messed up mess of a flower. As a child…..I was beaten. Not like my neighbor was….she was beaten with a belt…..huge welts. My mom beat us with whatever her hands could land on. The visions are stuck in my head. I wonder why then…..I had it in my head….musta been a movie…..that parental hits were allowed….and a man was only allowed to hit a lady if she hit him first and it would only be a slap. Boy was I in for a surprise when my 2nd husband didn’t just slap me…………he did a full all out fist punch…..in the face. Blood everywhere. Then 2 more. I clearly remember the feeling of being stymied. That was the first time that it really really sunk in…..that not all things were cut and dry and not all things were the truth……in my 30’s!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bobby proved that lie to me again and again…..much blood. This formed the me who sits here typing, as well as the early days of thinking nobody, not even my mother loved me. And truly I say to you….to my standards of love…………………..she never did. Truly, nobody has loved to the standards I would expect.

 

So….that is lack of love…………or lack of showing of love. No outward I love you’s and no hugs. Then…..there is physical harm……which doesn’t scream I love you either does it. Which brings us to one more aspect of why I formed thusly. Granted, I came in with plans and designs…..but this is what formed me. Here’s another. 3 times. I just realized it happened 3 times. That can form a groove in the brain folks. Being told that you should die….so the world will be a better place. First was by my sister Beth, on a night I call World War3. 2nd was the same sister……on a night I overdosed to die…….I asked her for help. I woke her. I woke another first and was told to go back to bed. I asked that one then and she said just do it then. I had forgotten about that 2nd time. Then Bobby…….loved to tell me on a regular basis that I should….Do the world a favor and kill yourself. So…what do you think folks? If a person hears it enough they are no good….then they are no good? Or…..if a person doesn’t hear a thing…no praise, no love, no feelings of belonging or comfort from a loving heart……then they have no reflection………and cannot see themselves as loveable. Heck…they can’t see themselves at all. So……there you have some forming/deciding factors in the creation of me. If we don’t learn….we are doomed to repeat. So…how does this help? Who would need to learn this? The coming generations? The children before a new sibling arrives? The answer is probably…..always. OR….pay attention!

 

It hurts me to speak of this stuff. I don’t want anyones feelings hurt…even someone who hurt mine. I have to. I feel that if I just tell you I divorced my family….and I give you no reason….just that I’m here to change the world….then nothing does change. I’ve done nothing. Actually, what is different between now and before I divorced them? Nothing. They won’t notice a thing different in their worlds. I believe the adult portion of ignoring baby sister Sheri came when she had no money to buy Christmas gifts. Sheri never had money, therefore never had gifts…..and since she never had money, she couldn’t go in on the huge gifts either…..she became nothing. Again. I went through a week of crying and have now leveled out. The huge video stream playing in my head of memories. None from the light really. Oh, a couple. Hello hello hello hello. That and Beede creampuffs. None of those memories played though……and I’m not crying now. Hang on….I’ve got a happier post right behind this one! Lickity split!