a butterfly hurricane…

Man, I cannot tell you how weird this all is for me. I was leading a beautiful life and I still am, it’s just that it changed. Like, suddenly my focus is about girls. Women. Feminine. God. A year ago it was goats!!! Then it was God and mushrooms, then God, mushrooms, bugs and birds and now this. But this one feels like work. Like a debate topic I’ve been instructed to take on. You know, where you get told a topic and you have to give both sides, both arguments. Passion for it has overtaken me. I became interested in ’06 after the wintersolsticeexperience. Before that I was just your typical misfit female posterchild for abuse. A female victim. A child unloved. The combination was horrid. Because I was unloved, I became a victim….like a magnet draws what pulls toward it. And now look at me. Playing Jesus Mary and their mom! It’s just silly. I tell God all the time. This is so silly. Sure, I understand the premise…but I just don’t see what power I have. I can’t even get people to read this. I guess even if I can’t get any of the new earth ideas implemented, I have at least put a question on some minds. Maybe that’s enough. I’ve flapped my wings…have I flapped enough to cause a hurricane across the oceans? See, I’m trying to get out of it. Again! Nothing new. There’s too much angst with this drama. And drama is 3d. Ohhhhhhh. Ok. Ok jeeze.

   
    
  

If I were brave….truly brave, I’d have whipped myself up some unGodly outfit and flown to some drastic place and stood on a corner, spilling my truth. That’s brave. My real truth at the moment is that I’ve had a bit of fear come back into me lately. That snake incident, it shook me. Then I wanted to go to snakeland and hold some to get over it and I haven’t yet…all I know is, I’m not as brave. I won’t admit it to myself though. Yayaya, just did, I know. I’m calling it…”I’m obviously supposed to be thinking about the feminine instead of mushrooming”. Obviously. Chickenshit. Haha…..I’ll give myself a wee bit of slack though. I’ve got other angst’s goin. Lined up, ready to test my enlighten’dness. Which as I told you, is a yoyo….but hey…it’s a yoyo!!!!!! Yippeeeee!!!!! 16 years to get this far. Slow go but speeding up. And besides, going outside is not so fun a lot of the time. I am so connected to every piece of the land that it breaks my heart daily to see what has been destroyed. Simple raking or weedwhacking is devastating. It is truly as if there is a camera on me and all of my places, my favorite cool spots to take photos of either bugs or mushrooms, becomes a dumping ground for the gardener. Every one. Well, cept for the logs…..but he weedwhacks them till they hide nothing. Any other time and I would take it as a sign to leave. I’m holding out for my daughter. Plus I do love it here. Oh…I can yimmyyammy……I feel very alone here. I feel very alone there.

 

If thine eye be single, the whole body will be full of light.(I just heard that phrase, I like it) Whatever name I use, the goal is the same. More light. More people with light. Less suffering. So….could it be that I am reaching Christ Consciousness and not at all a member of the Jesus family? Of course. I’m a human dissecting images and thoughts. It’s always possible that I’m interpreting the messages wrong. However, while I tell you that for your reassurance….. I yam what I yam. Go Popeye. Who knew? The simple act of wanting to help……is in itself, a desire. The illusion. Its two schools at war. End the illusion and rise above it with no thoughts and creating our universe with our thoughts.  See how complicated this is? And I haven’t even mentioned Catholicism or Christianity or any other religion. Just the simple act of thought. Ha, nothing simple about thought. It requires a college level though, so you best be enrolling soon.

 

Signing off at Quebradas Costa Rica where the church is pink, the sound of a fruit falling from a tree is thunderous and startling…and a hundred parrots come for afternoon tea. LoveLove PS…what do you call an oddity like me? Call me Mama, like always.

PSS….Tolstoy was wrong. He said no one does. Well, I do. He said everyone wants to change the world but no one wants to change themselves. I have so proven him wrong.

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