losing someone….something

As a race of beings….we cannot handle loss or change. It is the blade we lean upon….to prove we are in control. Control over what? Do you know for sure where you are? Why you are? We could be inside the eyeball of some tiny being looking up from a crack in a stump. We really know nothing. Because we know nothing, we are scared. Because we are scared, we look for things to comfort the pressure valve inside us. Those things we deem our comfort….we label as OURS and Nobody is taking them from me!!! We hang on for dear life. Homes, towns, hurtful family members, awesome marriages, horrible marriages, archaic and cruel beliefs, familiarity. Our families, our loved ones, our animal friends. We attach. We attach an invisible cord to these comforts and they are ours. We don’t wanna leave and we don’t want them to leave us. We will not let go. I will never let go. We seek cures to death up to the very last breath. We curl up in heaven with our loved one and we don’t move. Ever. The world is going on around us and we are sitting on a couch, in our jammies, crying. A pile of tissues proves we’ve been here for years and the moving company has come to take us away haha….we watch around us as all the reminders are carried away….past us, like a procession……to be placed upon a shelf in a new space…….and we are frozen. We refuse to let that child go. That husband. That dog. That job. That weight. That hurt.


We want everything to last forever. The ultimate contradiction. A society who tries to kill itself daily…..wants to last forever. I guess if we are frozen, we want the world to freeze alongside of us. What I now understand and don’t understand…..is why we choose to wear these eyeblinders….these rose colored glasses. Its easier, for sure. Can’t we ignore the drivel and just use our own eyes? Nothing is permanent on this planet. Nothing! NOthing. Those gigantic mushrooms they say were here before the Gods and Adam…..they are pieces of rubble. The pyramids….not in perfect condition. Time and life erodes all. It’s all just a moment. I wish we could enjoy the moments….then go on to see what the next one is!!! Instead of hanging on….letting go. Freefall. Let the Divine planner plan. Keep walkin. Keep breathing. Here’s a sad example for you. A lady just posted that her sister was in a car crash and that the injuries would affect her sisters career. To me, that says it was time for a new career. If earth is the Experience School…….we are here to experience. We are also here to experience not experiencing…..but that too is a choice. The firefly in the jar can either keep breathing until he quits….and who knows, he may be freed from the jar and live to fly all the way to Costa Rica and land on my glass French door where I will squeal with delight…………..or………he can flutter and flutter and try to escape….freaking out cuz there’s no air…….can’t get out…..claustrophobic…..help……woe is me, until his struggles wear away and he runs out of breath and ceases to BE. This goes for everything we cling to so tightly. My cookies. My pot…oh crap, no. My beer. My cigarettes. My goats. My home. My Texas. My daily life with hubby. My dying. My living here with my daughter….she is not here at the moment or months of moments. My cookies. (now I make different cookies. Healthier ones).


While I can say all this I now understand…..that there still remains so much that I do not understand. Why does this theory work so well in my life…..explain every single event….yet not mean one whit in a starving violent country? Or does it? I don’t know. They don’t have chocolate chip cookies to gorge themselves on. They don’t have beer to drown their sorrows. They are so busy fighting for their lives or suffering through having fought for their lives….that they have no time to ponder the existentialism of man. Why am I here? Or, the power of positive thinking. The Secret…is not a secret for them. Why is this? Is this because nobody told them the secret? Why is it a secret? Why are the fundamentals….the rules…secret? God I want a cigarette. You see there? I was uncomfortable with the loss of my momentary joy therefore I wanted to throw comfort at it…and my brain chose a cigarette….a 40 year old reliable piece of comfort. Another day I need to do a blog on…………………………..why are we so stupid. I mean seriously………..the shit we overlook or don’t see cuz they got us lookin over there. Signing off in Costa Rica on this ThanksForGIVING Eve. Happy Day tomorrow, manana folks. Lovelove.



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