shadows on me…

WARNING….this is a post about the past…..if nobody knows the tree fell in the woods….how would they know to mourn its passing?

I believe Iam meant to do something good for this world. Perhaps I’ve already done it…perhaps not. I have produced two special seedlings ye know. Or perhaps it was that time when I did as God commanded and danced. Or the time I did as God commanded and bought an RV and went to South Dakota to pray on the mountain of Bear. Maybe it was smaller, like listening to the young man who desperately needed to share with someone….what he was doing to himself, how much….oh how severely much pain he was in, as he lifted his shirt to reveal the scars of ten thousand unseen tears. I don’t know why I just told you this, he says. Or another whose words nearly imitate, but instead of scars, he presented words of his horror….done to him. I don’t know why I just told you this, he says. Such words repeat throughout my life, as people unburden themselves to me. Un burden. Not carrying, not heavy, not hard. To unburden oneself of held down pain……frees the soul to live. This is one of my gifts. Must be an invisible energy bubble title floating near me that only some can see….that says….it’s ok. You can tell me. Rather like a priest at confession…..they just do. Who knows, maybe one of them went on to become a Doctor who saved the life of the…who…who…who will one day save the planet from the photon rays of planet Ubibyelie. See? Now if that happens…..I can rest in peace. Until then…I don’t have a clue so I gotta go on the assumption…I know…that ass thing……that I have not yet begun to live…..not yet begun my destiny. Did you hear the groan heard around the world?


If we do not learn from the past….we are doomed to repeat it. This is good logic insofar as the people involved understand that they did something wrong. Not that anything is wrong mind you….as we have established. Things are as meant to be for experience sake. But if we wanted a different future…..a different perspective…then we’d better be clear on what worked and what didn’t. In the past, words of love were rarely spoken. That’s what poets were for. So how did people know they were loved, I wonder? Maybe they had to guess too and that’s why there was so much fighting goin on? Without love…chaos reigns and rains. As I woke on this planet, a tiny babe….a new generation of children…..I woke with a need to know I was loved and cherished. Musta been a new modification they added to the early 60’s model human. Need for love. Uh oh. A new category………with no products yet in it!!! What I mean by that is that way back when, nobody said I love you… when I and we suddenly came to the planet needing love…..nobody knew how to give it. Nobody even knew they were supposed to give it. It was a new addition…..the majority did not read the fine print on the new life contracts, I’d say. Well……what we don’t change, we are doomed to repeat right? So……..I tackled that at age 18. I wrote a letter to my mother and stepfather telling them that love and hugs were needed now on earth and sorry but they needed to step up. And they did. Best they could I suppose.


That’s just one aspect of how I became this beautiful glorious messed up mess of a flower. As a child…..I was beaten. Not like my neighbor was….she was beaten with a belt…..huge welts. My mom beat us with whatever her hands could land on. The visions are stuck in my head. I wonder why then…..I had it in my head….musta been a movie…..that parental hits were allowed….and a man was only allowed to hit a lady if she hit him first and it would only be a slap. Boy was I in for a surprise when my 2nd husband didn’t just slap me…………he did a full all out fist punch… the face. Blood everywhere. Then 2 more. I clearly remember the feeling of being stymied. That was the first time that it really really sunk in…..that not all things were cut and dry and not all things were the truth……in my 30’s!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bobby proved that lie to me again and again…..much blood. This formed the me who sits here typing, as well as the early days of thinking nobody, not even my mother loved me. And truly I say to you….to my standards of love…………………..she never did. Truly, nobody has loved to the standards I would expect.


So….that is lack of love…………or lack of showing of love. No outward I love you’s and no hugs. Then…..there is physical harm……which doesn’t scream I love you either does it. Which brings us to one more aspect of why I formed thusly. Granted, I came in with plans and designs…..but this is what formed me. Here’s another. 3 times. I just realized it happened 3 times. That can form a groove in the brain folks. Being told that you should die….so the world will be a better place. First was by my sister Beth, on a night I call World War3. 2nd was the same sister……on a night I overdosed to die…….I asked her for help. I woke her. I woke another first and was told to go back to bed. I asked that one then and she said just do it then. I had forgotten about that 2nd time. Then Bobby…….loved to tell me on a regular basis that I should….Do the world a favor and kill yourself. So…what do you think folks? If a person hears it enough they are no good….then they are no good? Or…..if a person doesn’t hear a thing…no praise, no love, no feelings of belonging or comfort from a loving heart……then they have no reflection………and cannot see themselves as loveable. Heck…they can’t see themselves at all. So……there you have some forming/deciding factors in the creation of me. If we don’t learn….we are doomed to repeat. So…how does this help? Who would need to learn this? The coming generations? The children before a new sibling arrives? The answer is probably…..always. OR….pay attention!


It hurts me to speak of this stuff. I don’t want anyones feelings hurt…even someone who hurt mine. I have to. I feel that if I just tell you I divorced my family….and I give you no reason….just that I’m here to change the world….then nothing does change. I’ve done nothing. Actually, what is different between now and before I divorced them? Nothing. They won’t notice a thing different in their worlds. I believe the adult portion of ignoring baby sister Sheri came when she had no money to buy Christmas gifts. Sheri never had money, therefore never had gifts…..and since she never had money, she couldn’t go in on the huge gifts either…..she became nothing. Again. I went through a week of crying and have now leveled out. The huge video stream playing in my head of memories. None from the light really. Oh, a couple. Hello hello hello hello. That and Beede creampuffs. None of those memories played though……and I’m not crying now. Hang on….I’ve got a happier post right behind this one! Lickity split!


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