The jack of all trades construct that I’ve been given for this life, has always been a contentious thorn. Do I weep that I don’t have that ONE thing to pour all of myself into……or do I rejoice that I am so diverse, like the 57 flavors in the Heinz ketchup. All 57 flavors are needed. If it were only 56, it would not taste like Heinz. Seems to me they both illicit tears. One because I can’t be like the OTHERS cuz I don’t have that ONE thing….and TWO because I am so diverse, so spread out that I can’t go as deep as I would like with all of my roots. Do you not understand? If I was a singer….all I’d have to do is sing! And all that went with it…..learning lyrics, getting over fear of public spaces, building your voice, deciding your style, finding a teacher, marketing yourself or finding a label. Sounds pretty daunting right? Right. Now substitute me in there. Writer, artist, prophet, medicine woman, poet, teacher, hopeless broken doll, photographer, nature life chaser, wool artist, …….and see….that right there proves my point. I wasn’t even done when I had to do a duplicate. Artist………………….all friggin kinds man, what kind you want? Then there’s the Writer…………………fairy tales, books, short stories, childrens stories, blogs, essay/articles, poems, business names…..and on and on.
What if however, I were to look at it from a different position. Say, standing up, on a hill, looking over a tree but beyond the sunset. Now. Let’s look. Let’s really look. What could cause such a diversity in spirit. In mind. In heart. Rather like fracturing the heart into many splintered pieces…all part of the whole, but each in its own unique shape, as a puzzle piece would be….where it can be refitted if lost. Like a Trinity analogy I heard recently…………God, Holy Spirit, Son, is likened to Water….. frozen, steam, and liquid. I guess God would be the Frozen, Holy Spirit the liquid and Jesus the steam. Yup…..awesome and thankyou whichever movie told me that….oh….i think it might have been the Documentary with the comic about God. Ok…I digress. So…what else is as diverse as me? Motherhood! A mother has to be everything! To all people! Ahhhhh, I see. Lol. So now I can actually feel like a true Mama. Yes. MamaSheri……didn’t feel like a mama. Only to animals. That’s where the name came from ye know. I was mama to all the goats and pups…we had over 120 critters at one point. I was Mama. I didn’t get to raise either of my born children and I lost close to ten in miscarriage…..oh God….just realized that word……..mis………….carriage. Mis as in mistake, misfired. And carriage….carrying the seed. Recently it occurred to me that I was not a mother. Or a mama. I shouldn’t go by that name. But I am a mama. I am a mama to the world, in my mind. I pray for the world as if it were my children. I send it love. I say I love you. I send water where water is needed, and arms where hugs are cried desperately for. I send freedom to those held captive. I pray for you. I lose sleep for you. I cry for you. I want for you. Yes, these are all mother attributes. I am a mother. I am Mama. Oh…and I send healing for your booboos. Ya, that’s a mama. I wrestle with who I am…what to call myself, as you know. I guess this will suffice it……………………I am Sheri…..I am MamaSheri….I am RainbowFeathers….I am MissSheri….I am MamaWillow…I am Rose. I am RoseHope. (Rose and Hope are names given me by GOD himself…..the Rose, when I was born….in 1998….and Hope, during Winter Solstice Experience 2006, when He was showing me what He expected from me.) I see it now. That whole experience was intricate and delicate and perfectly balanced and critically needed on planet earth. I was a tool. A vessel. But see….that’s just it. I was a vessel. I stepped up when I heard the still small voice. I did and it’s a part of my Heinzness. I AM….all of these things and they each make up a piece of me. My uniqueness. I will preach on this till the cows not only come home…….but also till they have the next batch of babies who get lost and they go looking for them so they can come home again. And again and again. There’s a special blog about this….i keep hinting at it. I will write it from CostaRica. Gosh I want to shorten that word so badly. Can’t I just call it Costa or Rica????
So I wonder. How many people are out there feeling like I have been….that I’m too scattered to be any good? Well, shift the view a bit k? Think of how much a mother is able to accomplish and it should zip you right up. Like today. I came across an old crystal heart…labradorite…..perfect timing for me to have it. I wanted it near me…like as a necklace. Hmmm. I shall become a wire wrapper and make myself a pendant. See……….this is how I think….instead of going out and hiring a wire wrapper, I become the wire wrapper. So really and truly folks……………I am makeshift. Whatcha need? I can often figure it out. It is Rainbow mentality….my choice of words…..based on what I interpreted the Rainbow Gathering persona to be about. Make what you need with what is around you. The irony is….I am now a Rainbow Healer. Maybe THE Rainbow Healer for all I know…….and rainbows surround my life like…well, like rainbows. See? Another aspect of me popped up. Yes….I am as diverse as the rainbow…with all it’s different colors. Did you know they say the colors we have on earth are not all the colors? Like we got a half empty 64 crayola box!!! Bummer man. I wanna see the rest. I once made a really bad painting of …..well, let me describe it exact. Starting at the left we see the old white haired face of God with his mouth in BLOW position….then to his hand which he is blowing his holy BREATH on……and in his hand are three tiny balls of paint. Red, yellow and blue. Primaries. The wind of the breath hits the primary color balls and splat…………………..many tiny color balls fill the air until they congeal at the far right of canvas with……a sky, rocks and sea scene, complete with dolphin. Which just aha’d a thought……the breath. The breath makes it come alive. Like the WORD. Hmmm…lemme ponder more And I’m done apologizing and saying sorry for my grandiosity of self…..as you can see………it balances out with the self flagellation.
I wrote a piece that I’d planned to send to Elephant Journal but my self esteem wasn’t high enough so I posted it on Facebook instead since I thought it was really really good stuff and shoudn’t be missed. It was barely received at all. I get more compliments about a dog or anything really. I read it aloud to Cathy today and she cried all the way through. It was received as intended. She says it’s cuz she heard it instead of reading it. I’m thinkin on this. Cuz if you weren’t touched by what was written…………….then you didn’t understand the words perhaps. I use big words. Old words. I’m 54. Old. I’ll ponder it. They……are calling for more floods. I gotta get the heck outta here. Signing off near Austin, Tx….where the rain is scarce till it isn’t, the seasons meet each other in a day and the mushrooms are bland……except for the pretty tiny orange ones. ooooh….Crica! costa + rica! lol. Lovelove