the big E…

This blog….my changes….don’t mix well. I keep wanting to become a stronger, more capable, more masterful woman…..and yet I keep writing as if I am a child learning his abc’s.  I’m showing you all my hiccups, all my flaws, all the stupid things I go through as I figure things out in life. Many times it’s embarrassing for me, yet I feel it will be helpful. My challenge now I guess, is to find a way to speak, that doesn’t have me as the learning one CONSTANTLY……yes, I know learning is the ultimate…..but there are times when it would be helpful to appear, and be recognized as competent in things. Some things at least, ya? Cuz I am ye know. Smart. Smart enough to know that these microscopic spiders are awake and it’s time to put earplugs in!!! Very freaky when they go in the ears. Rather a panic type feel….you just want it out. Anyways, I just was pondering that….how my blog represents me as an uncapable ditz…..when in reality, the things that really count in life……I kinda got them on speeddial.

Interesting. When I returned to Austin a few months back, it was a flood catastrophe. I said I would bring some rainbows. Now, it’s a fire catastrophe. I’ll pull some rain along with me, as well as some bows. People will enjoy that treat of colors parading in the sky….after all the fear of the fires. Fuego. Bastrop fires. Once again. How odd that it would happen pretty darn much in the same path as 4 years ago. The winds are changing today so they are kinda in wait and see mode. The old fire, was when I had 50 or so goats to try to figure out what to do with if it came up our way. Thank God it didn’t….stayed about 10 miles away. Right now, it’s about 15-20, closer to the town of Bastrop. Information is being pretty poorly done for this day and age, and it ticks me off. No excuse. Seriously?????? With facebook, there is no reason that information isn’t flowing continually. Stopping at 8 at night. Ridiculous. Plenty of volunteers available. So, no idea if I will be arriving into a fire or not. It’s really kinda funny. Are they tests for my fear factor?

I seem to be in fast evolve mode. Last night I had a fascinating lil event. I had a thought. It was that I was feeling nervous. INSTANTLY, my body shifted the energy in my body and it was all smoothed out like cake icing. (Actually more like a snake wiggling down me) Interesting….when I say the word nervous, my mind immediately wants to add the word energy. Nervous Energy. Energy. energy. There are all kinds of energies out there. Happy ones, sad ones, excited ones, terrified ones, thieving ones, cruel ones, powerful ones. Little e Big E. They are all just floating around, like clouds. Which one you feel would best suit you right now…this moment? Determination? Look, there’s a determination cloud…grab a handful why don’t ya? Eat it…..put it on like perfume…….pull it to you like smudge. Don’t matter. Just get it in you. Your cells hear your thoughts…..they know it’s coming and they greet it at the skin level and all the way to the deepest cells…..determination. See? I’m half and half…half student half teacher. Maybe it’s just me that judges this writing style. This half and half thing. I know…it’s crazy that I feel stupid….even as I’m teaching. Probably cuz this stuff used to be laughed at and ridiculed. Now I’m like, can I really say that out loud?

 My bags are packed….I’m ready to go. Now I just gotta wait a gazillion minutes until it’s time to leave the cabin. Then what? Well, the choice will be in dollars and strain. A taxi to the airport will get me there at the correct time, no waiting…..and will cost me $150. Yikes. A bus, will cost me…..a $10 taxi to the bus, probably $10 for the bus, and it will dump me at a bus station where I will get another taxi, $5? And….it will be delivering me about 5 hours before my flight. Hmmm. Decisions decisions. My suitcase is empty….stuffed with chemically treated Panama blankets….although not stuffed well…….it’s darn near empty but shoot, buy another….no! I think I’ve got it mostly figured out. I’ve arranged in my head how to stow most of the things I want here so badly. I’m literally only taking the clothes on my back…..more room for the return. Uhhhh…….5pm. Raining. Nearly dark. Good thing I’m ready cuz even with all these candles lit, it’s still pretty dark. When I return I’m getting a stand lamp. Yeehaw! I think God took me by the perfect store yesterday! I didn’t go in…..I’ll wait. Looked rather like a pawn shop. The stores are usually so cute, with their many many balloons…but not this one…dark. Ha, that’s why I’m waiting. Oh, and I finally figured out how the people make a living……the farmers…..with them all selling the same fruits and veggies. It always baffled me how any of them could make enough money. I think the answer is……each booth….gets their regulars. We each choose our booths. I see now that it probably pretty much evens out. Oh, and they love to win a new customer. I’ve only truly been woo’d by one, the momochino dude. There are a gazillion people selling momochinos…………..but I buy his. Why? Cuz it excited him when I did. He smiled. I like to make people smile. Now…..when I come down the lane, he spies me and he waves his hands in the air and hollers. He then immediately cuts me a momochino open and hands it to me. I eat it while I pretend to ponder how many kilos I will buy. It’s always 5 these days. Haha…ya, I know. In our defense, a lot of the weight is the shell. Yup….loyalty. Its peoples lives.

I remember during the Winter Solstice Experience of 2006, I remember getting the instructions/vision of myself journeying…without belongings. I thought that was ridiculous….and indeed it may appear so after all I’ve talked about bringing stuff here, but no. For the first time in my life……I feel like I could walk away. Walk to. Walk toward…….with the clothes on my back…and a few tiny things. But that’s huge for me…a packrat….who builds things around herself so she’s cocooned. I’m bringing some things…so I can build some dreams. I still want to experience things….see things. We’ll see what life has in wait for me….to be sure I’m doing my all to cocreate it, but I’m not smart enough to design what God gives me!!! Each day……so, really, all I do is kinda throw out there some things I’m feeling drawn to….and life provides. Signing off here in CostaRIca……..headed to Austin soon. Lovelove Gosh…….leaving is ……………….



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