Today was unusual. I woke with pure joy and giddiness. It held. It was tested and it held. It’s been a good day. Only a momentary moment of sadness and it was the good kind. The happy tear kind. It rode with me on the bus. To market to market we go. Feria Day!!! Usually it’s my fun day, my leave the house day. Today, it was my grab a thing or two that I’ll need before and during the trip to Austin day. Rather quick. Rather on purpose. Rather blasé. I did however, have a moment on the bus, when I needed to experience texture. Found myself feeling the need, and filling it, by sliding my fingers across the smooth plastic of the umbrella handle, where I discovered that Ooooh, it had nicks in it, making periodic parts rough and ridged. Then I touched my lip. Warm, grainy smoothness. It was an odd sensual moment, amid the bustle of the bus and all the pretty people inside. Odd, because I have chosen to be celibate. I generally tend to stay away from any form of sensualness. I wonder why…..where the desire came from? It was so foreign to me that it was as if it was someone else inside me that was wanting to know how it felt. I didn’t feel different, just the need to experience it was different. Oh my God…………..I keep craving cigarettes!!!
Anyways…..had my Thursday breakfast of pancakes and gallo pinto(beans, rice, pepper, onion) with a prepay for a banano shake when it’s time to go. It’s a way I treat myself. It’s like clockwork. I had grabbed the candles right off the bus…..$80 a month for candles to pray for the people and the world. Then, a loaf of bread….doesn’t seem like the right one though. Supposed to be baguette italiano, but looks and tastes like baguette cor-something. There are pans…bakery’s all over town……and I discovered today that they do indeed cook them there. I saw an oven! Still a bag of sugar in disguise. Next was my fruit smoothie stop where there was an English speaking gal who translated for me to the matriarchal lady…..that I love this country and I love the people and I admire their love for familia. United States is not so much into familia. This time, I took some clothes in a bag, that I no longer wanted and donated them to the little gal at our thrift shop. She was like….for here? Surprised that I would just give them to her. Todays market buy was………………….ONE mango. Lol. Yup. I met my little Vietnamese man on the streets and with a quick hug and kiss on the cheek, he was off saying he was going the other way around the town with his little bag of craft. I think he loves me. Haha. I just don’t know what he’s saying. Maybe one day someone will translate. Haha….8 months!
8 months. Before that I was a gallery owner with my art on display and curly haired goats looking gorgeous in the pasture. Go back a few months before that, when I was diagnosed, and I was a woman who did not want to be seen. I wore mens sleep pants which always came in superhero bright print…and a 3XL tshirt. See……invisible. Ugly. Not worth looking my direction. I think that was my goal. My house is one of those overwhelmed farm houses with stuff……stuff we might one day need, haha, and usually proven so by being needed a week after trashing it. I talked to someone to day about cleaning the place. For pay, of course. I’m tired of going back there to that…when I’m not the same person who was comfortable living with That. I don’t talk about the goats anymore. I loved and lost. I experienced death so close and personal, so dizzily insanely profoundly devastating….time after time, again and again and oh dear God not that one….again. Now you read of me creating attachments with mushrooms, birds, butterflies and bugs…..and of realizing I need to stop. Learning to stop. There is a dead red texture grasshopper dead on my windowsill. The very same window with the dovesmudge……created from a hit by a dove head on so hard that it left a print of itself wings aflyin. A photo of itself. I don’t want to let them go. Especially the smudge! That’s like looking at GOD. This years processes have mostly dealt with attachment, in one form or another. The quitting of the addictions….oh that sounded so simplified…..the beer…..that I drank 6 of every friggin night since 97!!! The cigarettes that I drew into my lungs daily, 2 packs worth for 40 some years. Ya. Unattached now!!! The meat! Bacon!!! Oh LORD….bacon. Leaving my home to go search for life and not the death…………that….is unattachment. Staying! See….they are hounding on one subject mostly this year. Guess it’s important.
Tonight, I am experiencing one of those rare moments where I wish I had done something different. Wish I’d left sooner. It’s the tiny teeee tiny spiders. All over me, in my ears….it’s freaky. In my tea. Not the first time, but tonight I had a chat and told em I could kill them and clean their nest….they best get their babies outta my tea! They did. They then came onto me. It’s not pleasant at all. I think these are the things that bite me while I sleep, on my hands. I deal. The trick is to not drink the tea when the cup is full of them!!! Yukkkk. It’s not all the time. Seems to be seasonal or something. Oh, but it’s creepin me out tonight. Can you hear me whine? Ok. Later. Signing off from this here cabin….gosh I love this cabin……..in Costa Rica!!! Lovelove. Ps…..headed to Austin in a few days…think I’ll eat a bit of chicken maybe. Don’t know if I can, but the memory wants it.