a FreeForm box…ish

I find myself in an odd shaped space. It’s a new size, weird dimensions. Not a box, but not anything in particular either. Just a floating freeform area for me to be. I can grow it or shrink it…..can twirl like a Dervish or cocoon in a spiral tuck. I hear the words I say to myself, as if from a cobblestone street in Sweden or Norway. They sound foreign, yet familiar. I still talk to myself in English, lol, no….it hasn’t gone that far, but it is still an oddity. Like me. Like my new space. I honestly do doubletakes…..at my own voice in my head. This astounding place I find myself in….where emotions are heightened to the Nth degree, LOVE is an entity and is giving me downloads(me!!!!! I get downloads!!! Go figure!) Where bravery is nothing more than breathing and my clothes change like new skin. Like a lizard suit, shedded and regrown again and again. Snake. Baby snake. Tiny tiny little snakes are coming into my view now. Kept away so many months, Mother Earth has guarded my heart and my mind, by controlling what I see. I wasn’t ready. To see snake, in this jungle place, would have frightened me so badly, I would have gone home. Run back to Texas with my lizard tail between my legs. Haha….I’m kidding right!!!!? I just have a thing for texture and the lizards and frogs, grasshoppers…….they wear clothing that excites me. My wants are changing with me.

My wants are still many, but have shifted some. Mushrooms, of course, to see as many as I possibly can before I die. National Geographic….you need to hire me. I gotta get the shots. It’s a compulsion. A need. I also want…..to hold those snakes. I take yesterdays words back. I sowwy. I don’t demand anything. I do ask kindly, please universe, may I experience holding that little boys skinny snakes? May I have that giant leap of growth? I think this is why all of a sudden, these tiny miniature snakes are showing up in my tiny mushroom closeups. It’s time. I want…..to continue my art and to continue to grow it as well. But the biggest thing that you guys really don’t have a clue about….is the clothing. In my mind…..that’s pretty much all I do these days. I design clothes. Just in my mind. I am searching still for a helper, that sews………it’s not going well. Perhaps I shall find myself a teacher instead because it is so very original……so very one of a kind. Ayahuasca gave me this passion that so far, has only seen the inside of my brain and a few pages of my journal. It’s like a volcano with holes. The lava keeps oozing out the holes……cuz I don’t have the supplies or the know how yet, to erupt!!! If anyone has any great fabric sources…holler at me, will ya? I almost went to see a gal in Guatemala that is creating clothing along the lines of what I intend……didn’t have the guts then…..when my badass self finishes transforming….perhaps then I will go. When I have my jaguar wings and owl talons.

All three of these wants require a trip to Texas. To get fabric, to get my Nikon camera for the mushrooms, and to get paintings to sell at a booth at the local markets and to place in Costa Rican galleries. We can’t just order from Amazon…or any internet place for that matter. No, it must be shipped somewhere else and repackaged…then sent here. This is an issue for a lot of us Gringos. I hear though, that there is a way. And because there is a way……oh man…..what I would really really love to do, is to ship my drum here. I would probably take it to Sound of Light, Florestral. It is a special drum that is needed now. It needs to be played and it needs to be played in ceremony. Ceremony. It has been missing from my life. I’m learning how to incorporate it into my life….all of my life. That’s not an easy thing for me, it’s so new. I have only a thing or two so far. The candles. Life has become so intense and so loved by me that I must light candles now. Prayers. All through the night, I try to keep at least one candle lit. Each night I probably have 5 or more going and each one is loaded with prayers. Some for people, some for world events or just known needs. For example……may all the people lost in the woods or the desert….find water, and if there is no water, may some bubble forth. Or, may all the orphaned children feel love. Stuff like that. Some are for people, like actual peoples names. Just big huge prayer energies…..held in the flames…..dispersed into the world.

Speaking of flames…….i want to dance. Ecstatic dance. I’m feeling that call. TO move the body. To dislodge the mind from its resting place and send it on a journey. The journey in my mind is colors thrown wildly with exuberance………….or………….it’s a waterfall of greys, pouring down the cliff, the rush of pressure tumbling me about. Unless I’m sleepy, it’s usually one of those two….extremes. Ya. Right now, I’m sleepy, so my mind is a spiderweb, going from dot to dot to dot, touching each of the lines and connections, slowly running my finger along, to gauge the feel, the texture. I have to wait 3 months for the dance. Gosh. No. I don’t wanna wait that long. I still am looking for signs of when to run to Texas…..and I do mean run. The idea of staying gone more than a month is just heavy goo. Yuk. I cannot tell you enough how much I love this country. Everything. The people. The morals of the people. The personalities of the people……and it just grows more awesome from there!!! The adorable little markets with the adorable little people with their adorable little fruits and veggies……..the tiny little stores employing way too many people, but it gives them a job…..the flora, the fauna, the weather, the feel. The vibe. The feel in my heart. I giggle more here in 7 months than probably my whole life put together. Yesterday I even fulfilled a vision and did a little running dance along the way. Sorta like skipping.  Lol. Today was a banner mushroom day. One of my favorites, that I carried a dead version around to spread the spores…..popped up today in several places! Yay! And, I went into the forest floor again…..alone! At one point I was gonna wait for Summer to go in with me later…it was dark and creepy in there….shoot, I no longer need anyone to be brave with me, I said to myself as I hiked up my skirt and dove into the thicket….where the ants proceeded to bite my hoochie!!!! Ya…..pants are useful. Loving you as I sign off in CostaRica.


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