First of all, my apologies for yesterdays blog. It was me, being who I was guessing you wanted me to be. Trying to include you in the conversation in a bigger way than usual. Trying to make a blog someone wanted to read. I’m sorry. You are a someone. And you read it. Thankyou. Although, considering, maybe I wish you hadn’t. LOL. I’ve come up with an analogy for you that may give you a peek into what it feels like to feel like nobody wants to partake of your gift. I am a writer. God brought me into this world with that. He’s added others since, but a writer….yup. I AM. My audience is shifting……as I am shifting. Second…….I told you yesterday a tiny blippet about water drips. What? Half ass, jeeze. Here’s the dealio. All my life, if someone has water on their hands, I freak. Or if they touch me with water on their hands. Or if they touch something with water on their hands…..ya. Rather a big interference in life. Sometimes it sent me screaming …….away…..just anywhere but where those wet hands were. This has caused a lot of conflict. Most people don’t remember that it bothers me. In fact……………….Nobody remembers. Wow. What a realization. This hurts. I’ve just this second……..real eyes’d. Nobody…..ever. Nobody ever cared enough to remember that about me. A very painful realization. And it goes with the one from yesterday. Also painful. I’m wondering….can one be UNENLIGHTENED?
Yesterday I made a startling connection. When I went to speak to my quiet introspective daughter and she rolled her eyes, and did the heavy sigh and the uncomfortable shift of the body to look away…again…..suddenly……..a flash of insight. A flash of my ADHD son……hands flailing wildly as he looks left and right, his hands may even be doing a roll motion to speed things up, while he starts heavy breathing from having to wait, wait for the words to be formed and said. Next flash, my husband, who only responds to a question. He has no opinion about my art, he has NEVER read my blog and the word conversation, hmmmmmm NOT. Keep on moving, to my mother……..who has come right out and said. “your blog is too long, I don’t have time to read it”. If you’d like to take it further, I have 3 sisters. They don’t read my words either or call me to hear spoken ones. I met 25 new “sisters” last weekend. Only one has read (acknowledged she read) my blog……and I posted it all big and bold….twice. Not even the one about the SISTER gathering! In 3 years, the most blog readers I ever had was about 50 a day…..and that has dropped to about 10-20. Is anyone sensing a theme? I have come to earth……to experience…..not being heard.To experience, having no voice. Oh…a voice yes…..but no voice. Woulda been kinder to make me a mute, but I guess this was the plan. So now….like the other things I am now AWARE of…….I can now chunk it down to the pile labeled: STUFF I’M NO LONGER TRAUMATIZED BY……This shifting, enlightenment stuff is for the birds. I think I’m done. Let the owls do it. Ok….so, I’m not liking the new awarenesses. It was kinder when I just knew it happened a lot…….without connecting the dots. Screw the dots!!! Crap!!! What do I do with this knowledge? Become a bitter cave dweller. (she said that) She has a sense of humor. SHE is the me I am becoming. I’ve died a gazillion times. How many times must I crawl? Ya right. This one isn’t about to crawl. I can tell you that. She’s a tough spooky one. ME….you do realize I’m talking about me? I’m a weird little butterfly who has a quadruple gazillion life stages that she dies from and is reborn. UGH. I just want to scream! But I won’t. Oh no. My swallowing skills are in high demand….and you can’t scream and swallow at the same time. Bobby, are you laughing? This almost feels like these awarenesses were made, so that that other me will rise.
Ok….back to the water drips. While my daughter was gone and I was going through a hell that isn’t spoken, I chose to fight one of my fears. I CHOSE to tackle that water drip. I was all alone. Just me and the water faucet. We both survived. 54 years. 54 years of terror. Oh….why, I guess you’re wondering. Well, best I got is….I went to Primal Therapy….where you are taken down in subconscious levels and you confront your past….and you do the PRIMAL SCREAM. Yes. I surely did do it. Completely shocked the shit outta me cuz at that time, I was too shy to scream. This therapy, 6 hours a day for 3 weeks……revealed that my birth father raped me, then used a very dripping wet wash cloth to clean my blood…..dripping on me as he cleaned. Nuff said. True? Dunno, it’s not a memory I remember, just a picture I saw from the ceiling in my mind during therapy and yes, I’m aware that the floating means it’s probably true. SO………………..YES!!! I just FACED a fear head on and stepped across that threshold. And NOW……I demand another. It is so necessary that I used that word demand. It just is so very important that I face this fear. It feels ultra important. Are you ready for this………..snakes!!!! I have a date……….to wrap a snake up each of my arms. And live to tell you about it. I’m tired of the fear. Exhausted by the fear, it weighs a ton. But know this folks……….this change, is certainly not cuz I’m tired. NO, I’m way way too fearful and lazy for that. No….this is part of my destiny. Things are speeding up so quickly that my head spins like the owls I love so dearly. I wish my wings were here and not in Texas. I would love to swoop them along my aura right now. I feel dirty by my enlightenments. (All that word really means is….shining so much light and learning on something that one can’t HELP but finally GET IT….haha, OR, it means…coming to understand) But here’s fair warning. It seems, that there is a tipping point. Where the enlightenments are so many and so swift, that the steamroller effect comes into play. I think it just caught my skirt and rolled me over.
I tried to quit the blog today. Life said no again. I guess it wants me to speak…..no matter how many listen. Haha….im a talker. OH….I forgot that analogy I promised, about the blog. It was the memory of highschool, gym class. Game time….the Captains have been picked and now…..they choose who they want on their team. Gee…….let’s guess where in the scheme of things I got picked???? Yup………….last. But high school is over. I guess I’m growing up now….or down. They do say, in order to get to heaven, you become as a little child. Well….just ask the mushrooms, they will vouch for me. I talk to each one I see. Well, me and my childlike self and my warriorcrone self are gonna say signing off now, in CostaRica. Be safe. And remember…..if it’s dark….I’ll hold a light for ya.