my Existential life…

I was released from the fear grip regarding Jade Helm last week in my sleep. I woke up to the first thought of the day….a realization that I no longer was caught in the vice grip. I’ve taken a step back from it all. Or more aptly said……I’ve been whisked a step away. I guess that is not my job right now, to be crazy in fear mode. No…I am a light worker. A helper. Forgive me for getting sucked in. It might have been cuz I was already sucked so far down with the depression. Wait…..I’m not wanting to use that inaccurate word anymore. My tears. My tears don’t need a label. They stem from you and from me and from past moments and memories and things I see or feel or hear or know. My tears shed. Like a skin. Like a snake. Shedding is rebirth. Becoming new. Changing for the next segment. A new wardrobe for the body. New pebbles to step on…..a new path. Remember though people……..a new path, might not be completely smooth until it gets worn and comfortable….haha….and even then….if you get comfortable, you will probably be given another fork in the road. All these forks…….of our life…..I bet look like a tree. God!!!! Have you seen my tree???? It is the most massive! Most beautiful! Look, it’s all spread out covering the whole of the earth……providing shade for some and a peek of sunlight for others. Lessons all. I am a teacher. My very presence is the subject. I show what to be or what not to be, what to do or not to do, how one can feel or not feel. My lessons are as vast as the ocean of my tears.

I’m not like you. Or you. I don’t go through my day thinking of bills or cars or appointments or dinner. I’m not sure why, in my mind….that makes me bad, but it does. Or has. I need that to change. My day is filled with thoughts about unseen things. The mind. I am stuck in the mind. The wandering, thinking, questing, searching, confused mind. I’m not sure if it’s better or worse than being in the rat race mind…but it certainly is different. I am indeed fortunate to be placed in a body, in a country, in a financial arrangement that allows me to be who I am, this pondering I amness. If I was starving, with my belly protruding to kingdom come, my mind would probably be thinking other thoughts than the surreal existential ones that preoccupy and take hostage, my weebly wobbly brain. Hmmm. Maybe it’s not weebly wobbly. What do I know about it? I know that it is capable of going in many different directions and doing reasonably well or at least fair to middlin… it’s paths work. I know it gets squishy when a mother is mentioned, or a good outcome after someone helped. These are 2 things I’ve been able to identify recently as triggers that cause my belly to crunch up tight and tears to well. My plan is to keep identifying them and ohonopono them away. Look it up. :=)) I’ve already mentioned it but google does it so well.

I’m writing my own life version of Overcoming Life….for dummies….so you’ll find my methods rather unusual. Unique, like me. So…what’s my plan for discovering which things elicit which emotions in me? Movies!!! Yup!. Hey, I use what I got. I’m a rainbow gal. My essence is rainbow. Everything about me suggests color. My Wiggles book. I love the color healing rooms, but I channeled that book, so it wasn’t my idea, just a good one. Must be true in another dimension. I’m finally grasping the idea of the dimensions. The deeper version. Haha, I used to wonder if there was a dimension where I did unload the dishwasher vs a dimension where I didn’t. They say there’s one for every possible possibility. Goodness, that’s a lot ……and I mean A LOT of dimensions. Hmmmm. House of many mansions. Hmmm. See…..I’m a deep thinker. That’s my job. Haha. Good grief. I’m constantly trying to figure out what my job is….my purpose. Other than crying……………..or finding joy or love in nearly all things…all beings. Ya. I’m deep. Deep without roots. Ohhhh. My roots can’t find home so they expand and expand and go in so many directions…looking, looking. Always seeking, always lonely for a way I don’t even know. A road not visible. Hmmm, no, not a road. A road implies perpetual journey. I think one day my mind would like to rest…..just rest.  Oh! I heard something interesting the other day…of all you non meditators like me.  I never really understood why I should, except that it was supposedly a path to enlightenment. I also heard it could help one get a blank page in the mind….something I have yet to achieve. ANYWAY……what I heard is……it creates new pathways in the brain! That you don’t HAVE to do it for hours on end…….5-10 minutes a day, created new pathways. Now THAT….is a reason.

 It’s been awhile since I’ve talked with you. Over a week. My daughter has been here and I’m busy keeping myself in solid brain mode instead of liquid mush while she’s here. God helped me out with that. He gave me a new focus. A very tiny focus……which means complete and intense….no real room for tears in those moments. Haha!!! He took me back to my childhood! He gave me MUSHROOMS! Hahaha!!! As a child I lived in nature. Alone. Spent my time in the woods and collected nature as well. At my home, I had the worlds smallest frogs. I loved my frogs. My childhood passion was teeny tiny. Anything teeny tiny. Fairy like. Terrariums. Babies. As an adult, I once spent $70 on a one inch size baby. Well, God gave me tiny mushrooms. Not just them, but you gotta bend down low as the aya song goes…………Humble, you gotta bend down low and humble yourself to the spirit of the forest. Yes, bend down low. When you bend down low, your focus shifts. It is another world. Like the ocean to dry land. Separate worlds. Here in the forest, it’s layers. Many layers. I’m on the lowest one right now…..and up a bit as well…..some mushrooms grow on trees. Not only are they fun to hunt for photographs, but they are magical in many ways. Mushrooms are the internet of the planet. What you see above ground….is minute…..down below the soil is the roots…..the road…….the community. Mycelium connects all plant life. Spread mushroom spores across the planet and we could help restore it. That’s how important they are. You can carry fire in certain mushrooms. Research is needed in my opinion. Mucho mushroom research. I have a phone appointment with a friend whose gift is  helping people go back. Finding the core. Back through lineages if needed and usually is. It’s storming. We will if the storm allows I guess! Aya? Iboga? Dunno the answers to any of that yet. Won’t do any good to complain. Here’s to tonight. To the freedom I gain from doing the hard work. I’m also telling myself that the new fruit I found, lol….has magical properties that wash away depression!!!! Momocino!!! Pretty little hairy fruit. Hoping I remember the photo. Ok….later. Signing off from my cabina in Costa Rica……..Quebradas that is. I hope you like looking at mushrooms!!! Love love. Ps…just saw…..mushrooms eat plastic!!! Hello??? Ocean anyone???


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