a big D…

I keep using the word depression when perhaps Disappointment would be more fitting. It’s also a D word. I’m sure one can go into depression due to disappointment, yes, sure….I bet I’ve hit that donkey on the tail! Disappointed. Disappointed in ME. Can’t be the world…what is there to be disappointed about unless you go surface and get into gov’s and death and dying and cruelty and such. Nah. Not my topic. Just the world in general, be it a physical world or a hologram…..same to us either way. No….I am enthralled with this world….and it’s creator or creators. And no….to go a little further, I do not believe that this planet was made by the God who did things in 7 days. That’s a different God I guess. Ahhh….and don’t be so quick to judge me, lest you read Genesis again…..whilst searching for the word…..gods…….as you read. I shit you not. Right there, plain as day. GOD’s. That is plural. I believe it was little g too.   g.   gods.  Back to my point. The planet. The spinning ball. The magnificent. The most artistic endeavor of all time. THE artist of all time. But really folks. The exquisiteness of it all. The beauty of the birds swooping, the ants carrying, the babies suckling, the fireflies lighting, the mommies mommying, the stars shining, the ocean dancing, the extra bonus underwater world(yes, 2, 2 worlds in 1), the insect family……continuing on the flower family by moving the pollen. So many things in this world enthrall me. A drop of rain, sliding down a glass window or simply landing on ones nose, this life of ours, this container of ours, world of ours……has been designed with the utmost of care and caution and flare and whimsy and every adjective known to man……even those adjectives….they too are stunning. There isn’t a single aspect of this life that I’m not in awe of. Even the painful things….ye gotta appreciate them though, eh? The intricate design.   No, life itself is so perfectly horrible and perfectly delicious……is not what I’m disappointed in, although the duration….now that I have some issues with. No….it’s me. It’s me who fell through the sidewalk cracks into the dark. It’s me who was designed irregularly. Maybe they wanted a raggedy ann. I’m not a raggedy ann anymore though….it seems that the world isn’t the culprit…..no, it’s me. Always me. I judge myself, my life, my accomplishments…..harsher than any critic could or would.

   
    
   
I have finally decided what I want to do with myself…career wise. I’m no longer a goat rancher. The art….truly should be put on hold to save my sanity….which leaves me twiddling my thumbs and aimlessly swimming the vast ocean of nothingness. I don’t need a degree or even a resume to do this. All I need is….haha…..money. So….here is what I would like to do with myself for the rest of my life…….:  Make people smile. Do something to give an individual soul…….a moment of joy, of hope. I would like to do this everyday…as long as forever lasts on this planet. I’d even like to thank the woman who introduced me to the idea of being a secret santa…then yanked the dream away. Thankyou for showing me what I want. Somehow, a devastating moment….is turned into a dream. That’s what I want. I want to make you smile. All of YOU. I’d dearly love to meet every human on the planet……impossible. Ok….so I know what I want. Any suggestions on how to accomplish this life I choose? Seriously…..people take time out of their days to try to lift me up….I want to reciprocate. Score 2 points for SheriSunshine…she just realized an unrealizable dream. Yay and the crowd cheers. But seriously folks…..its not a completely generous gesture or desire….I get something out of it too. I myself would get smiles all day instead of tears. Sounds like a grand trade. Now I just gotta collect a stockpile of money into one envelope for that and only that. Like I used to pay my rent and utilities. An envelope for each and each week, I’d put ¼ of the bill in….and at the end of the month, I had enough. Don’t worry. I’ll get money. And I will begin this work. My new job. Self appointed and by God. Sunshine bringing vitamin happiness. Hahahaaaaa. We save each other. We lift each other. Even a smile. A smile can save a life. I try to engage eyes. I smile at people. I want to do more. Smiling is enough….yet I’m not satisfied. I feel in my belly that some of these people haven’t smiled in years. Or months. No heavy weights needed…..I just need to lift the corners of their mouths. And in doing so….I lift mine. And my heart opens more. For that matter….I’d like to extend that to animals. I learned today of a cruel practice humans use….they ship live animals across the seas…..to their deaths and some of them are horrid horrid painful deaths, but point is…..if they gotta die…….just kill em where they be….and ship the meat. No need to make them suffer so. A cow….on a boat. Right. And most likely they are packed like sardines to boot. Seriously….compassion needs to reign. (I pray I’m able to follow through with this dream)

   
    
 I’m sharing my habitat with the worlds tiniest ants. These are amazing little things. They hang out at my teabag area…used. Earl Grey black……out CRAP! Gotta find some or gotta get some shipped cuz damn…(decaf cuz why not) Ya, well, they hang out there and I rinse my cup if I see one….but they hang on for dear life. They tickle the skin as they cruise along the Sunshine highway. Or Sheri or whoever is here. Equal points of interesting and pain in the butt. Oh, and a wasp like critter landed in my boiling water….I scooped him out real quick cuz he was in shock…and he flew away but I saw one the next morning, kinda lost. Pain will do that to ya. As for the rest of this blog….I should and possibly shall stop talking about this depression that possibly isn’t. Disappointment in me……and in my art(that one devastated me for some reason)…….and…..in my storyline. It’s a good storyline, I just want more from it. Shall I dictate? I don’t want a Bucket list….I want a Life list. Cuz I intend to be better than who I am. You’ll see. One day…it’ll be like magic. You’ll say…wow……MamaSheri Sunshine (lol) went through some kind of metamorphosis and look at her now! She’s confident, capable, commanding, electrical, and bold. And one day, I might just do that…..lets just hope it’s in this lifetime and not coming at you in the form of goo goo gah gah. On that note…..I sign off from Costa Rica where I’ve run off to…. Love you! Later tater.Gee….is it raining?

   
    
    
   

 Then there’s the lady in my prayer circle who was scared and thinking the world was ending. Interesting day. 

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