I compare myself to others. I wonder why. I know better, of course I do. Sometimes I feel like I’m going backwards on the climb. Upside down….sliding down. Hmmm. Well, at any rate….I’m not them. And…..much as my psyche tries to to tell me differently, I don’t wanna be anyone else. I’m having more complimentary talks with myself the past few days. Feels better, but I do feel a pull down today. Been leveled the past 2 days, after that entity crap……and then today, not really depression….more like frustration or disillusionment. Haha….there’s this new part of me that taunts me….stupid….this is stupid. So what. You get down here and be the brain. Ye know…..I’ve never really considered split personality…..because the pieces of me are not really separate or have names. But there are definitely pieces of me…..and I bet you too. I think we are all pretty much the same, we just do better at hiding or succeeding or both.
Today is one year. One long year since I was at deaths door again, this time with black mold……..and I QUIT!!!!! I QUIT SMOKING CIGARETTES AND I QUIT DRINKING. Yes….two…..two quits in one! One piece of me wants to shout and jump and go to town and celebrate….and another piece….wants a cigarette. Funny, I only think of them…not the alcohol. I never crave the alcohol. Weird. Ya…..just 2 seconds ago I thought, wow…..a year. And a voice in me said…..ya…..lets smoke! Hehehe. Nope. Shoot, I think the only reason I haven’t started back up is the money aspect….when it should also be the memory of me constantly saying…….why……….why am I taking hot smoke into my lungs? But yes….I did that. I quit 2 heavy duty addictions in one pop. One swipe…wiped out. Gone. One year later…..it seems I have exchanged some of that energy….to the cannabis. I smoke way more than I used to. On the other hand….I am very lonely right now. Sitting in paradise, lonely. I’m not the bold type. I’m the shy type. Find things to do, they say…….go out of your house, they say…….hmmmm……nah, not really. You come with me, then that’s another story.
If it’s one year for the quitting…then it’s past the one year anniversary of the Doc saying I’m dyin. About 2 months over actually. It was May. You don’t forget things like that. So, here I am. I AM. I try to be careful what words I put after those precious two. I’m dyin. Hmmm. Doesn’t look like it and certainly doesn’t feel like it. Not anymore anyways. Maybe I was. Maybe I’m somewhat healed now. I don’t have the fire in me anymore. I’m not 90 lbs anymore. My food doesn’t hover as much anymore. It still really ticks me off that my Doc wouldn’t repeat my tests so I’d have numbers to go by when I came here….on the other hand….the only thing possibly curing my liver since I got here, is the aya….since I didn’t do the flushes. Oh, I took a ton of stuff prior to coming here, and changed my eating as well for awhile. These things did I KNOW< affect the liver numbers. Anyway….I’m alive. I still don’t smoke or drink. Speaking of drink…….I watched a long documentary the other day. It was Doctors having a conference about the effects of ayahuasca on Depression!!!! I was right!!! I don’t know about the long term….but according to these Doctors, the aya lasted for at least 21 days. And there we have it. I figured a month. Close. Oh…..Melancholy. That’s the more accurate word for today.
It was recently said to me that it wasn’t God who did bad things to me, it was the devil. I don’t believe in the devil. I don’t believe in hell either. I believe they’re both symbolic. These beliefs of mine go against at least half the worlds beliefs I’d say. I guess I’ve come to a different conclusion about life on the spinning ball and the why’s and wherefores. As I’ve said, I believe Jesus was an example of the human in being form………and what they can do. Who they can be. I think Jesus was sent as a message….a visual message. Like an email in your pocket. Jesus in your pocket. Someone to emulate, strive toward….kind, loving, generous…..and using the tools we were born with…..what are now considered GIFTS….that used to be just tools. Tools erased by the church with enough time. Can you tell I don’t like the “church”? Haha…this would be cool….imagine this…..good aliens come……show their power and take over Vatican city, then they go on live tv and show everything that is stored in the vaults. YUP….everything. Talk about Christmas for the globe! We’d be the snowglobe! Happy happy joy joy. Ya. In my dreams, eh? Back to that God thing. I have chosen to believe the idea that we choose our experiences before we come. That we are experiencing for God…as God….in human form. That leaves no room for an angel of light who decided not to bow to the humans…..why should he? Think about it….if a society wants to steer a people away from a truth, they will say the opposite. So…..the angel of LIGHT was made to look bad….when LIGHT is the key to understanding life. Ha….almost as if LIGHT was the forbidden fruit. And no, I’m not crazy…..apparently I’m not the only human who thinks this way….but if I was the only human who thought this way….would that make me crazy? What the hell ever happened to uniqueness???? I’m afraid this world is hovering in the cookie cutter m&m mentality and by GOD……I’m BLUE! Ha!
God didn’t want me to go any further so He sabotaged my writing. I found a way around and He gave up, but jeeze, I’m not stupid. I don’t like to be told what to do, like a child….but I am wise enough to have best interest at heart, so the topic of light ends there. I seem to be a stubborn cuss. Ha….and is there a GOD at all? Am I a God? Are you? LOL…….to get into my brain you gotta go further. Which God. When and how was that God born? Are we real or a hologram? Oh dear……and one more……sorry……….no sin. I don’t believe in sin. I believe in a balance system……but is it really balanced I wanna know. Haha…..so many beliefs for one on the path of enlightenment, which they say is when you have no more beliefs. Ha….ya, you’re dead. Or remember the monk at my art gallery? He was supposedly enlightened, yet he was miserable, lonely and unintentionally bitter.
WOW….so, no celebration of any sort. Just me. Sitting here. Well I toke one for you………and clink the glass. Haha…..wasn’t that funny? I gave up alcohol, so the shot glass or beer bottle glass, becomes the pot pipe, blown glass. Clink!!! Speaking of that…..I gotta tell ya. Glass pipes is all I’ve found here, and I kept having it fly off my lap upon standing, but it never broke….till it did. So, I bought another and while there, I spied the coolest pipe. It had feet! It stood up! No tipping over while you fill it. It was 12 dollars. Gosh, that is high. If I have to spend more than 10 bucks on something, I freak. But I gotta say…..I have giggled more times over this pipe. It just makes me happy. I do have a fancy pipe I bought at the beach a few months back but I’m planning to return it…exchange it, so I can’t use it. It’s too creepy, eyes too creepy…..was cool at first, rather a wizard dude. But those eyes. Ok. Guess that’s it. Some very loud birds just came right over the house to say see ya to you all. Oh, and there’s the mystery 4 chirper. (frog?) So….signing off at this cabina in Quebradas Costa Rica……clinking my glass pipe to you and to me….and waiting on my spoonful of medicine. Soon. I will start setting up the altars for protection. See ya! Oh….and here’s the large hummingbird and what I did with it. And yes, it is on white for a reason thus….no other background. It’s not entirely done….I need to secure the vine snake and I want(quiero) to spin to do it….wheel is back home. More rain…3rd or 4th time today. Course……what do I know……..I ain’t dead yet. Oh ya…and eating banana raisin oatmeal cookies that I whip up in 20 minutes flat every other night!!! Ya! Pss…..soon I will evolve and will not need envy or jealousy. Amen. PSS…..also included is salt,baking powder and a small amount of raw sugar. I’d say that’s a healthy meal. PSSSSS!!!! OH my GOD! a drop of water just got on my hand and I didn’t freak! I let it remain. Aya…..I salute you……more thank you.