It’s been a hard day. No, nothing horrific happened or anything like that, instead, I’m talking about being in my skin. Hard being me today. I saw me from inside myself. I had heard and felt a ‘part’ of me thinking that it/I would get ahold of myself cuz my daughter was coming. Which I did. The closer it got to time for her to go, the less I was able to hold the strings of myself together into useable yarn. I was coming undone. Today, that energy was unable to contain itself. I could not hold tears back. It didn’t matter where I was, I couldn’t hold them. I told Summer, as an afterthought that I might have an entity on me or in me. That I now see things out of the corner of my eye. She immediately connected it to the depression. Zahrah from Awakening Soul agreed that it could be a possibility and probably a probability. She said her once again hubby, Agula, could remove them for me if I came up the mountain. She and I did an initial command any entity to leave me. I sat there in that chair by my friends booth, wiping away tears and explaining that this thing in me let me calm cuz Summer was coming but that now it knew she was leaving and I was afraid. Yup….afraid of my own brain right now. So, has something attached itself to me? WHY?
Because of my pure emotional exhaustion, I didn’t get everything on my list in town. Now I gotta go back. Better rephrased to…..I get to go back. Something to break up the monotony of this isolation. I forgot the eggs! I had been walking down to the minisuper for things but I’ve just learned to not buy cold items there….so……not sure I trust the eggs either. I wanted to support them….especially the one smaller one where they guy teaches me Spanish when I come in. I go in his store even if I don’t need anything and find something……3 bananas, who knows, something. Kinda like the little tiny Vietnamese artist for coins dude. Today he showed me tiny slivers from the fruit shell he carves….which my brain immediately said……..pot tray….or ash tray…..and I bought 4. I give him more than he asks. Technically, the slivers are most likely mistakes…..being utilized, lol. I Today we struggled with our inability to communicate, even though I upgraded my app last night for 5 bucks……..to be able to speak…then translate, but I couldn’t get it to work. Turns out they just weren’t speaking loud enough, cuz when I got home I told it it was crap cuz it didn’t work…….and it translated it. Hahaha! I think he might have been saying he wants a photo of me…..and I think he also wants my phone number. So sweet. He walks around with these striped shopping bags that all the vendors use…..stuffed with what look like coconut halves….carved with art. Or same things but as a water jug with carvings…..it’s not coconut though. Anyway….we have bonded, little guy and me. He didn’t see me cry thank goodness.
Back to the entity. I don’t think it’s attached, as Summer does. I think it’s inside. It really really wants me to shut up and die. I knew it was just waiting on Summer to leave. No, I’m not certain it’s an entity within this depression….but since the depression is so different…….it is entirely possible. I have been literally watching this energy in me. Maybe it came with this house. I was fine before I got here……REALLY REALLY fine!!!!! Remember???? On top of the world….looking down on creation…and the only explanation I could find….was LOVE. Love and happiness. Remember? Remember I learned that my natural state is one of joy? AYA taught me that. Course, the entity, if there is one, probably wouldn’t have entered me if I hadn’t done the aya. Speaking of that……Vismay must have come home early cuz he was at the ferria……but no medicine with him. Oh……and not sure why I jumped to the wrong conclusion, but…….iboga……well, it’s very expensive. Way more than the aya. We’re talking 3 thousand or so most likely. My original quote from the Iboga House was 7 thousand. This is a different place. And I’ve sold all the cows, so I’d have to do a fundraiser, unless any of you know any rich folk who love to throw money at things? I’m a good thing, ya?
Today was Thursday BIG ferria day. (market) Had my pancakes, which I seem to be able to eat less and less of each time, and spent most of the market down at Elena’s booth. Attached to the market is a grocery store. This is my bank for the most part. Every ferria day, I buy a few items….whatever I need that they actually have, and I pay with a crisp untorn 100 dollar bill. They give me back colones and there ya go…..I contribute to the economy, via…….granola, bananos, smoothies, pancakes, bus rides, etc. Oh….you’d be proud of me….I didn’t go into a single Americano thrift clothing store today! Summer was impressed with my $2 shirts from Texas. A tiger and a deer. I forgot to tell you I got foam for my art the other day. Zahrah told me of a place and I found it…yay me……and they had twin bed size foams about 3 inches thick. Not like my foam at home but hey. (5 inch). So, I directed a portion for them to cut….they did…then they cut it in two for me, and are storing the rest till I come pick it up. These people are awesome.
To sum this all up for you…..this depression is different. Yes, I am different, post aya, yet I think it’s more than that. I don’t feel AYA in me in this house either. Seem to be feeling a bit better after releasing the tears when I returned home……had a headache too from it and took 2 turmeric pills for it. And people…..when I say this depression is different…..I would know…..and boy howdy…..it’s different. Maybe pray for me. I don’t know people…….I’m just doin the best I can. 5 more days till I have an accomplishment anniversary. 7/7/14……anyone remember? Be well my sweet daughter, I shall miss your mushroom and onions! Signing off from Quebradas where I only had to pay 8,000 colones to get a taxi ride home with my groceries, even though I did buy one of those old lady pull along grocery bag carts today, but it was too full I couldn’t imagine getting it onto the bus. But….I just realized…..poor guy….taxi guy, Porfi….my local errand guy now…….well, Porfi wanted to teach me Spanish so he made me count out my money owed. Cuz of that….I forgot to tip him!!!!! My bad! Porfi!!