watching my downfall with 20/20 vision…waiting

Watching my downfall with 20/20 vision is no fun. I have new glasses now and they are very clear and sharp…all the better to witness with my dear. I’m not a patient person. Waiting day by day…day to day…minute to minute….to see what I’ll be doing…’s very hard. I’m so tired of hard. My daughter will arrive tomorrow. She cannot abide negativity. Hope I can find a strong enough mask. There. As you can see, this is two days in a row now. I’ve brought up the subject of masks. Now we can all take a sharp look at how many we wear. How many do you have on right now, this very second? Me? I’m alone, don’t have to wear many. I think the strongest masks are those First Love masks. Where we hide all the bad stuff about ourselves cuz they’d leave us if they knew. We go to great lengths on our hairstyle each day, our makeup, buying clothes….and God forbid a fart! Lordie, that will never do. After all, in that moment, we are no longer human, we are…..girl in heat. Girls in heat do NOT FART! Anyway….a good way to describe whats happening to me right now is a drain. A water drain. It’s swirling down slowly. Of course, I will get out and be happy for awhile once again…..until it repeats. This is what I am seeking. A cure. An actual cure! Aya may very well be. I just don’t know yet. I know that last year when we were choosing…it was very difficult for me. I felt a very distinct call to Peru, the shipibo healers….while at the same time, the familiarity of rainbow gathering type feel with people my daughter already knows and loves….well….I chose that one. It may be that I’m called to both. All I know is….I’m right back to before I went….with the attitude of……………………………..If this depression is gonna continue forever, then I do not want to heal my liver. Simple. I got so spoiled with those 14 years non depression. Awesomewowwow. No.

There is a new thing happening in my life. I fall in love with humans now. Adult ones. Male, female, married, not married. It seems to matter not. I am falling in love with their spirit. This is new for me and quite painful. I have been one to try to avoid human connection too deeply. I’m not able to avoid any more. Not having those energies around me all the time is painful. One thing I’ve learned for sure is….I can’t do ALONE. Rather a catch 22, eh? Aya has opened my heart and it’s wide and flapping in the breeze. Can this be good? WOW….I seem to be haunted by that suggestion that my depression is due to lack of sunlight, nature and healthy foods. I am haunted because it is such a lie. I have been asking people to “SEE ME” for 53 years now. Ya, probably from babyhood….probably laid there wondering why nobody loved me. If I think about it…….if there was no affection or bonding or love or words of love expressed at the age of 6 and up….then wow……….wow………lightbulb……..then ya……there most likely was not much touch or love shown at any ages younger than 6, yes? Oh…wandered off there………..I was depressed from the moment I remember being alive. How the hell can you associate that with those 3 things? Food, sun and nature. I believe mine goes even further back though….than birth. If it didn’t, why would I think someone pushed the wrong button….thats how I got here….someone pushed the wrong button. I also ran away in my mind on a daily basis and a nightly basis. I hid in the woods. I healed. I had visions and knew when people had died. I tended insects and amphibians. I cried myself to sleep. I mixed chlorine and bleach and breathed it…..I drove my car to 90mph….I slit my wrists…..I swallowed pills……I sat in cars breathing exhaust fumes. And honey….this was all before I turned 18. The naivety. Nobody understands people like me. Maybe there aren’t that many of me, I dunno….but the world sure as shit doesn’t have a place for us. People like me are so sensitive. I used to think I was empathic. I don’t think that’s correct anymore. I don’t know what the correct term is though. I don’t feel peoples pain. I feel their possible pain. Almost as if the pain I feel is the pain that would have been, had I not felt it…and it lives in another dimension…..the dimension of Possible pain. Haha. I try. I try to explain. I guess it’s my and a gazillion others before me/s attempts to gain understanding, that has brought us to this. Sunlight, nature and healthy food. Oh…and maybe also…..maybe I was sad in utero cuz I knew what I was entering. We don’t know. What we do know, is that the baby is fed DMT in great amounts throughout pregnancy. Then a huge dose at birth….then no more….the pineal gland is shot thanks to the Gov interfering with fluoride. Enter ayahuasca. WOW. I just went from a depression description, to ayahuasca!!! Interesting how that flowed. Rather like the cannabis receptors I found out we have in our bodies. Maybe we need that too. If we’ve got a receptor……………………duh. We also create DMT. But it is our mommies who give it to us in womb. So wow….think about that. For 9 months, we are curled up in the teeniest tiniest thinnest sack that binds and holds us in a psychedelic state. Wow…, there we are just tripping balls and whammmmo………………we are squeezed through a tunnel so dark, so tight that it feels as if bones are breaking………and whammmmmmo again….we pop out….into the brightest fakest light ever, with really loud noises and people smiling and crying and we are taught to give our toys to whoever wants them, to believe in false fake things….Santa; easter bunny and that Pumpkins are great. Sure they have some minerals but they ain’t all that cats meow for Gods sakes. Perhaps it even goes further back than that….a previous lifetime. Again….nothing to do with sunlight, nature and healthy food. What I am saying here is this………………..Everyone is UNIQUE and some of us have been through hell and can get a wee tad annoyed when someone says its due to the lack of a few vitamins. Yes, vitamins are good….go vitamins. But they are not the be all and end all of things. WOW. Mama went on a soapbox, sorry for runnin on. Better than crying though, eh? Also, I mean no harm to those who say such things to me I just want awareness that not every illness is cookie cutter. In fact, I’d lay odds…none of em are.  

An aspect of the depression is that everything is tainted by shadow… my knowledge that I could take the spoon a day protocol….was usurped by the depression blue……and my thoughts were more like……they won’t do it now since I didn’t go to the ceremony. See? Very irrational. Thoughts painted blue. Oh ya….I wrote a 30 second poem today….haha, out of the Blue:


When you rose with your eyes
To the falling of the skies
And the steady drip drip drip of your blood
In the mud
Around did you look
For a thing to pull you out
A hand, a branch, a rope
A little hope
The light….not bright enough
The dimness easing blue
You scream to the ethers of others
Your sound smothers
A hollow shrill bent and twisted sound
Heard but not to the depths of that blue
That hue
That heavy blue
That waits for recognition of understanding
Of ahhh, yesness
The vine thrown down the hole
It seeks me
To teach me
To be me

6/24/15 Oh!!! Happy Birthday my dead love! You are forgiven.

I didn’t go to the ceremony so I’ll be taking the bus to the Thursday Ferria(market) in the morning and I will meet up with my daughter!!! HOPING she can tolerate me. Signing off at my cabina in Costa Rica. PS….thankyou to all who are helping me get through this bout. LOVE LOVE Ahhh, my kingdom for some scissors. Just kidding….but I do wish I had them tonight rather than tomorrow….I think I’d like to do some art maybe….she says with a thread of hope in her voice cuz she’s been told she can have her precious scary spoon. Haha, I’d like to put it in a Vicks formula 44 bottle! Hello Angels!!!! (Any combination of 4’s)


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