sadness wears no blood or bruises…

I don’t know if it’s a depression, but the crying is severe. I’ve cried so much I’ve hurt myself. My back and sides…too much strain. I visited with a really awesome friend yesterday and found myself telling about my life. She was interested, so ya. I was saying I felt as if I wore a mask and nobody saw the depressed me. Aya(the jungle medicine I’ve recently taken to reset my brain) has since pointed out to me that it is in actuality two different aspects of me. The animated world changer wanna be, and the woman who cries. I am both. I just hide one if I can. Lately, I find myself crying in public places too, unavoidably. Not sobbing mind you, but streaming tears nonetheless. I try to wipe them away unseen. I always have. Just like Robin Williams said. We walk around with a smile and we scream inside. In that regard, I suppose we are fake. False. Walking talking masks. The crying feels different now. Almost no control. I got dressed to go do ceremony the other night. Wasn’t easy either. The pretty God dress I chose, is 2 layers….trying to dress in the dark was comical but I eventually did get my body covered in the pretty white stuff. Got down to the new temple and there were not enough mats I was told. Good excuse to not drink. Did you catch that? I have just flown across the ocean to drink this…..and Im looking for an excuse not to. It’s hard people. Really hard. I’m not sure I’ve stressed that enough. Taking ayahuasca is a severe thing to do. Extremely severe!!! Don’t just jump into it cuz I am….research it. And the surroundings are similar to 3rd world countries. No pretties like you are used to. No ac, no refrigeration, stores close by, electricity part of the day, internet in scattered pockets of time, mosquitos and others similar but worse…I know not their names. Ya. Stuff like that. I watched a documentary yesterday about the proliferation of ayahuascca. The destruction of. The old growth…..cut down……for pretties on a coffee table….not even made into medicine. The demand for ayahuasca is destructive. I’ve tried to bring awareness to it….but at what cost? They are not replanting enough……and, even if they did….it can only grow so fast. The lady said it takes 5 years for it to grow to medicine growth stage…..and she wished the world would take a ten year break. Ya right…not this world……now now now. And no, I do not count myself in that category concerning aya…..I heard about it for 4 years……and researched it a full year before consuming. I did my homework……but even that year….was not enough information. I am still loving all the aya insights I get daily……and I am trying to love the sadness that seems to have grown exponentially. Trying to love the tears. I was thinking last week what to do for the day… brain started ticking off options….number 3 was to stay home and cry……my other self caught that and said…do what????? Stay home and cry is an option for the day???? Crying is cool? Fun? What could I possibly be getting from crying that I would think of it as an option??? Oh Lord….this topic bores me….and it stimulates me. I am a contradiction indeed.

        Some people say that it’s the food, or lack of sunshine or lack of nature. I can’t buy that. As a child, I cried…..oh how I cried. In the WOODS(nature)….Outside, in the sunlight. And…..I was forced to eat salads everyday and vegetables. If I didn’t eat my 6 bites I had to go to my room. My parents were very strict with table etiquette. So ya, they fed me good food and I had all that stuff they recommend, yet I was still a crier. I still couldn’t sleep. I still wandered the forest alone. Might wanna add in the extreme physical pain I was born with as well. The way one of me sees it….I must be one strong cookie….to have been sent down to do both of those…pain AND depression. Double whammy. Lol. Knowing that, doesn’t seem to help in the moment of panic….cuz there are seriously moments of panic. Ahhh, speaking of panic. I was able to read a story about the recent aya death in Peru. Seems it was a young lady and nobody did anything wrong. She had opted for a nicotine cleanse before using the aya. It’s meant as a purge and I believe it’s a different nicotine than we’re accustomed to and way way stronger. Anyway….she began to vomit/purge and couldn’t stop. She just couldn’t stop which set her into panic and she breathed in the vomit and thusly died before ever meeting Grandmother. Poor girl. And unfortunately I now have that vision in my head.
I keep telling God that even though I haven’t entirely committed to following Him, (told hubby and he didn’t say no), he’s chosen the wrong person! I’m not very brave. Becoming more so all the time, but I just don’t know. Today, not sure whose idea it is, Gods or mine, but today…..for the first time in my entire life…..I feel like I have enough of one of my medicines. I have some in 3 different places! My mood has chosen to want to smoke a cigarette I suppose and being that I can’t and won’t do that again……this is laying here handy….this….being the best stuff I’ve had in well close to ever. So….I’m just basically smoking herb….alllllllllllllll day long. A first. Interesting. I’m not crying anymore but I also have had friends offering words of love, which always lifts me….which by the way is why I post those posts. Sure, I know y’all know I have depression….but when I post it it does 2 things. It gets me some prayers and kind words that can pull me from a depressive state…..and….it opens the topic again, for others who are suffering the same.

I didn’t go again to the ayahuasca. I’m running out of time. It’s tomorrow….or not till another month. I haven’t ordered a taxi. That’s important. There aren’t a lot of taxi drivers that know where Florestral is. If Merlin is busy, I guess I could always go to taxi row and holler out….Florestral!!! LOL. That’s if I get the nerve to go. I’m not as brave without my daughter I guess, or it could truly have nothing to do with her. Holy cow….the worlds largest roach is flying thru the house. Well…it’s dark…..I don’t wanna run the electricity up so I don’t light many lights. There are actually many reasons why I’m not doing the aya, I’m just not listing them. I need to go. Ok. Later. Signing off.

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