Today was a double release day. I didn’t know it would be, but hey…life happens. I’ve been friends with a lot of people on facebook over the years and most of them are still my friends. It takes quite a bit to push me to the dreaded Unfriend button. I’m not comfortable with telling people no….so it ends up feeling like food in my face all the time. I suffocate. And jsometimes people think I don’t do anything because they send me messages all morning, all day, all evening, all late night. Seriously???? Why would you do that to somebody? It felt uncomfortable from day one yet I have a kindness in me. Why was it uncomfortable? Easy. You don’t know me. Never spoken to me before in your life and you think it’s ok to jump on into my life… when I asked for prayer in a prayer group. It was excessive and intrusive to be blunt. It is against my nature to say such truths….perhaps I should shift to the word….was. Was against my nature. I told you I’m bolder and can’t seem to hold things in anymore. If I don’t like something I have to say it but for some reason….I couldn’t. Oh ya….there was a death in her family. And then there was another. How do you say something to someone who’s freshly grieving? Anyway….bottom line is this. Tonight, said person was sending me link after link and then started talking about my mother. This person had gone to check out my mother. I felt the icky in my belly. Then….I realized…..I had an icky belly!!! Holy crap, I had subdued it….out of a misguided sense of debt for prayer. So, once I realized that I had now and had been……..icky bellied…..I immediately unfriended this person. I’m very sorry. I just cannot live with icky belly again. If I feel it…I remove myself. It’s God. One of God’s voices in me. My gut. Thank you for the prayers, truly. I wish you a wonderful life. I also released the goats from my life because they too had accomplished their goal. 1:11am = 3 = Holy.
I now live in an Oh My God world. Where I wake up….realize whats up…in this case, the goats are gone…….and say…Oh MY GOD. I am fully confident though, that my travel partner(GOD), will find other, better reasons for me to wake to the words….Oh My God. Today I wasted energy on anger that had no point and an inevitable end in sight, yet I yelled. Hurt my throat. Halfway to Jesse’s work, the phone rings…..don’t need to come in. Are you friggin kidding me? Haha…Chunk that anger out the window….head towards town for yesterdays donut and ya….end up at the movie theater with your boy…watching San Andreas. Heheeee….not the best choice post AYA…..and amidst the feeling that there could soon be earth rattle and roll…….and I cried and felt like vomiting through the first half. Empath? Probably not. I just sometimes think I’m getting visions of the future. We moved out of California in 01 because I had what I thought was a vision. It never happened. The move however, was indeed necessary for me to have this life I’m in….had we stayed, I’d be in a different life now. And I wouldn’t know you. So……here in my oh my god world, in the end, it did require more than a smoothie for that herd of goats….nope…..I also needed those dang donuts…and a movie. In the end, I think aya has ruined me for future movies….too intrusive into my aura….but Jesse says it was somewhat believable so wow…that’s a good review!
I tried to explain to Jesse that I was now living in the moment and therefore, expect anything where I was concerned. Basically, I was letting him know that I would be putting myself out there now. Maybe. If I do it. I can choose from several paths. Go and live there, then live here, then live there, then here, then there….yada yada….go there and become a traveler somehow, finding some way to support myself, or….literally give myself to GOD…like a nun or monk….and literally do what HE says. Am I that brave??? Is that what I’m supposed to do? The stuff in my head from way back says yes. From now….says yes. Shit. It’s not really a question is it? I’m formulating it now. It’s not really the same as living in the moment. It’s living for God. I think I want to give God a name if I’m gonna go that route which it’s sure lookin like I will. Henry maybe. HAHAHAHAAAA. Lol. No, but we’ll see. I’m gonna think on it. Amazing how this has all turned on a dime. I can still clearly see and hear me saying…..I’m gonna find a way to bring my goats here………ya…..times they are a changin. In less than 2 months time I went from that to having no goats and saying I’m dedicating my life to God/Henry/G. Ya, I’ll call HIM… G. Me and G. Well, me and G, we goin on a lil huge adventure. My life. Unless I get scared. I could get scared ye know. ;=))
(Look what happened after I left! Jesus was struck by light!!!!). He’s on my mountain(the cabin), sleeping Indian, I hope he’s ok.)
I suppose in the end we shall discover if I am a better me. A changed me….well, ya, in spades and clubs and hearts and diamonds. Better….remains to be seen I think. I know for a fact I’m more blunt. If you don’t like the truth, straight up like a shot of tequila….then you probably won’t like the newest version of me. We, I, change everyday….I am simply changing bigger everyday. Ok…..the night is running away from me. Although it matters not if I catch it….my passion is hiding. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.
This is yesterday’s blog. I wasn’t up to posting it.