Why do I have such a burning need to be more than who I am? Why am I not enough? I intend to be enough. I’m quite tired of this scenario. I’d like to turn the channel myself, thankyou! I came really close. Really I did!!! When Aya showed me who Sheri was…her attributes. It wasn’t good enough. I guess 53 years is a long time…..is a long life to wipe clean. Clean of all the mistakes I unwittingly made. And even wittingly…..after a lifetime, sometimes it’s too hard and I’m too stubborn and I say no!!!….I’ve been doing this my whole life…therefore, I shall continue it the rest of my life. Not easy to do. I had intended to smoke cigarettes my whole life. It was a decision I had made. Same with the drinking. I quit those though!!! It can be done…its just nobody said it would be easy. Easy and real don’t go together well….with one exception that I know of….The Easy Bake Oven.
Well, the deed is done. MaryAlice and Kevin……you guys rock. They loved the babies and they also loved my art and asked me not to quit. Yes, I am considering it. I had planned to go for donuts as my cheer me up thingy, but we chatted too long, lol, go figure…goat people chatting….well, I never!!! So……I’ll find some kind of treat. Maybe I’ll go to Bits n Pieces and see if they have a 2 dollar suitcase for me!!! I’m doing my best to distract myself actually. And I cannot distract myself in this house. This is how I roll folks. It’s how I deal. I will go to town…find something to make me feel better…be it a dress, a smoothie, a cookie…whatever fits the bill….and then…..it will be ok. Donesky. Movin on. This is how I maneuver through the sadnesses of life and it works. Way better than when I was in severe depression. I usually can’t gift myself outta that. I’m so lucky that I’m easily appeased. Did you guys know how I quit crack? Did you even know I did crack? Ha….well, ya. Long story, life put me there. There being Kansas and 8 months of crack hell. Well, a friend came and scooped me outta there, took me to his house and according to my instructions….helped me get off the damn drug. How? By buying me one more. One more rock. One more pretty for me to consume all by myself…nobody trying to steal it, nobody stealing it….all mine. Yup. It worked. I know what it takes for me. I know me quite well. Which is why I used to be able to have 3 day depressions…..1 day to recognize and accept…one day to live with and acknowledge and one day to say see ya later to it!!! That’s why I still say…..if you even THINK your doctor is fixin to say those dreaded words…you stop her lickity split!!! Holy cow! Oh man….it’s gonna take some getting used to. No goats here. I guess the pups will watch over the birds and kitties now. Jesse is singing a nonsensical song…I don’t have to feed those goaties no more. He loved the goats too, so actually he will probably be missing them soon.
In the soap opera of my life, one of my characters just got killed off. The goat rancher one. The one who belongs to goat groups and fiber groups and has 500 facebook friends about 2/3 of which are goat people. That cloak…the goat cloak…has just been removed from me. It’s hard to explain. It’s as if it was something I had to do. Just a mere 2 months ago, I had been invited into a world sanctuary. I was going to bring my goats. What world sanctuary would be complete without goats that produce mohair for making hats and coats? Well….I guess this one. It would have cost a fortune to ship them….and to drive them seemed too dangerous. Somehow I know that I’m supposed to be there. That meant they had to leave….go to a new home where they would be fed and wormed and sheared and loved on. And birthed. I’ll miss that part the most. Bringing new life to the world. The brilliance of it all. Yes, I can take that hat/cloak off if I want or I can leave it on and be a person who used to have goats, who knows a lot about goats and can still share wisdom. Never did get to deliver a breech though. I remind myself of that movie…The Librarian. He was a perpetual student. I just adore learning something new to put in my pocket for later.
While I was gone, neighbor Cathy’s life changed too. She went from being a dirt poor preachers wife…..to being a dirt poor preachers wife who brings in the bacon. She has lost, well, I couldn’t even say how much weight she’s lost. I’ve never seen this in person. Wait, once. My sister when she was 19. Anyway…..ya, she looks small now. I always saw her as strong. Now she just looks tired. She called me a monk yesterday. Me, a monk? Why, I asked. Cuz I had been a hermit shutting herself off, I was celibate, I was immersed in study. I had a Divine spiritual experience. And, I had dedicated my life to enlightenment. I was also lightening my load. I agree. God and I are being very careful which items are in my bag because I have to carry it now. I never used to carry my bag. My life. Oh wow. This might be a clue!!! Travel. Hmmm. I feel it. So maybe Im not gonna settle down in Costa Rica just yet. Oh….but I think I did figure out the appeal. I kept saying why would the people be such an appeal to me…….i know……duh…..family. I was the runt of the litter and it was a half bitch half mongrel litter anyways! A stepfather. My sister says I walk o the beat of a different drummer….well guess what???? I found my drum!!! Well…one of them anyways! Haha. I still need to find my figurative drum, meaning money…way to support myself. But oh man oh man…if I could get this drum to Costa Rica…to Sound of Light!!!!!!! It doesn’t look like much in the photos but it’s about 5 ft around…..a tree trunk. Not really something anyone should own….I just have it. The sound on it is so good that it makes me want to learn the drum. I shook a rattle, that’s as close as I got and it wasn’t very close. I don’t have rhythm and if I do find it…I quickly lose it. But this drum….. The boys didn’t holler at me when I drove in today. Oh ya….a smoothie. That’s what I found in town….a smoothie. Waste of gas. Suitcases were too expensive at stores and not big enough at thrift. Still on the prowl. Signing off at the very quiet YeeHaw Ranch. It’ll be ok.