Have any of you ever had to give away….or step away….from someone or something you loved with your entire heart or as close to entire as one can get? I’ve had a very full life, so of course, I can say…yes, I have indeed experienced that….several times at least. It seems to be something that’s required of me in this lifetime. I had to give up my baby. Twice. 2 babies. The first, I swore to fight for, until it was proven I couldn’t provide for myself….oooooooooooh……there’s a clue! Sorry to detour but I just realized. You guys know I’ve been trying to identify why I have such a lack mentality. Such a low self worth/belief in my providing skills. I would call that a possible culprit, eh??? Anyway…..I handed my baby girl to her daddy after ringing his doorbell. I had just been fired for taking my medicine at work. LOL…no, not the pot medicine. This was valiums….haha…much stronger than pot! But the pain was huge so I needed them. So….that baby gone. Then, my parents took the next baby. Now….it’s my fur babies. I’ve already sold most but now I realize I can’t keep the rest either. Several reasons…..one being I won’t be here to care for them…..but mostly….for the reason I even wrote the above words. I don’t know what other people do when they suffer such a fate….but I personally….disengage. That’s how I deal. It’s how I dealt with the loss of my children and how I dealt with the loss of 29 goats in February. The sale of. I had my reasons for selling them….I was sick. I had too many. I was going out of country. Now…..although I am going out of country again….that’s not the reason. Up until I returned here, I was hoping I could bring them to Costa Rica. I now know it would not be feasible. Now that I know I can’t have them…..I need to step away. The girls acted like they didn’t know me the night I arrived….then Petunia came to me yesterday. Only one of my girls? Ya…..I’m separating now. Now…so it won’t hurt so bad. I was already headed there. I honestly couldn’t remember who all was gone and who all remained. I had already begun to disengage. I need them to leave me now.
Today….I went to the dentist. One of my fear things. Although I clutched my hands to the color white, it wasn’t so bad this time. The fear I mean. Ha…neither was the dental work. 4 screws, holding in one implant…unscrew em….pull em out, rinse mouth….fix broken acrylic tooth, rescrew 4 screws….done. Well, almost done. He did some perfectionist stuff to the bridge and then had to grind stuff off. In other words, he changed the bite. Now they don’t fit the same. Why did he have to go and mess with em? Other than that though, wow!!! So easy, so fast, so worth the one horrible day 6 years ago. And truly it wasn’t that horrible. AND….I got an internal giggle today. One I’ll probably keep to myself…between me and my kids, but man…….I am spot on with listening to Spirit and have been for many many years….a guaranteed 6 ½. I always thought I would tell you guys this secret about myself, but when the kids urgently urged me to not tell….it occurred to me it would affect them too. One of those things where you did something against the norm…wacky against……then it was proven you were right. Ya…that kind of giggle. It’s powerful. BUT…..back to the teeth……fixed! The main reason I came home…already fixed and I just arrived! I got my glasses straightened, so now they don’t sit crooked on my face after stepping on them during the ayahuasca vision quest, and I have an appointment on Tuesday to get my insurance paid for new pair. I won’t have to wear my readers on top anymore….and that will give me a spare pair that in emergency, with readers may work…. I say that cuz I already know that my eyes will adjust away from the old glasses and towards the new ones therefore the old pair will be nearly useless….unlike those original teeth….I wore them for the hour or so it took them to fix the bridge.
Natalie read my blog. Ha…probably the worst blog I’ve ever written…..and she read it. When I read it after seeing her post on FB to tell me….Don’t be sad…I’ll still send you curls for your beautiful art…..I was stunned at what I read. So disjointed! I’m a good writer! Or at least I was! I really don’t know why it was so disjointed…maybe culture shock. So, sweet Natalie…..don’t you guys just love her? I really really wish I could go meet her….go play in her new studio. Can you believe that she has opened it to the public on Sundays? Yes…you guys….any who live in or near California, can go and hang out and play with her wild and wonderful fibers. I would be in pure D Heaven in there. I wanna GO!!!
I’m already gathering. My brain is hard at work, thinking what I want to take back with me and why. How much does it weigh, how large is it? I’m opening drawers and rattling around. Moving things. Making a tiny pile. Gathering fibers. Which to take? The airlines weight limit is 50# per suitcase and you’re only allowed one free….and then one more for $50. 100#’s of fiber???? Haha….I wish. And most of my fiber is dirty, which makes it heavy. I went through what I could easily reach and tossed things toward my pillow to take with me…..especially on the hunt for blues and greens. I’m always lookin for browns, but now I also need blues and greens cuz of the paintings I will be painting. I will have 2 kinds of buyers. The New Ageish ones and the tourist who want the Costa Rica things…..sloth, blue morph, toucan. Touristy things. They all require blue and green. God…put them together and you get turquoise…guess what, I discovered that the Dominican Republic is right next to Costa Rica and they have turquoise water! I wanna go!!! The google images are stunning. Now that’s…….what I want to snorkel in!!! By the way people….it’s June…..that makes it over a year since the Doc told me I was dying. A year folks. Here I AM. Still typing….and look at what all I’ve done!!! YeeHaw! I’ve broken so many fears it’s ridiculous. Psssst……God is hilarious. Back in winter, while sitting in my gallery, I painted a painting of a bluebonnet. I was so completely disconnected from that bluebonnet yet I painted it. I didn’t like it. I kept changing it and changing it. It’s been sitting here waiting for me. As I stared at it across the room from me, I knew I needed to flip it upside down. Yes. There was the painting. There was the jungle…..waiting for….well, you’ll see.
Oh….I got a few items today to sell when I get back. Was able to get a $2 cut in price on one item and another, I’ll split up, kinda like watering down the whiskey. After I see if it sells, I’ll get more and offer both. Can I do this? Basically, I’m thinking right this second…it’s like the gallery. A tiny shop. Only this will be oh so much tinier! A small booth at a market…a half day market at that. And then….when I’m ready, the beach. Although it occurred to me today that I have a high price art….could make me a target. Oh…ok….I’ve solved it already I think. Short term anyway. Oh gosh. I keep having moments of….this is too much, I can’t do this, when I need and intend moments of….this is most awesome….oh how exciting, yay a chance to prove myself. Haha. Room to fail. Room to succeed.