God paused the Melancholy…

It’s really funny how we shift and show. As life dances with us….we exclaim it all. We shout the highs of joy with the utmost of excitement and integrity…..and we scream and whisper the anguish, the pain that is oozing out of us like lava. We have always done this before I would guess, it’s just that the playing field has grown exponentially. I can now screech my joy to close to 500 people and they will say ahhhhhhh, or oooooh! Our own lil fireworks shows! And for some of you reading my Costa Rica journey……you may be thinking it was a failure. Wrong. Very wrong. Both ladies from the Sound of Light suggested in different ways that I look at it in a different light. Not look at it as…oh no, the depression is returning. And upon reflection…they are right. Its a lot of things….and depressing is one….but depression….hmmmm. What it really is….is me…….being sad. Yes. I am sad. Here it is in a nutshell. I finally figured it out. (Oh, and then there’s the death thing….I sure don’t feel like I’m dyin)

My whole life I wanted to be an artist. When God finally granted me with that ability…..the people did not respond as I’d thought. It was shocking to my system. It has remained so. To have that gallery and watch day after day as the people looked then walked out…hurt like hell. Apparently I counted it as a measure of my worth. And then, when I tried to get extra cash in life to pay for my joy…..the art………I couldn’t get any. Nobody was buying. I just kept on buying the supplies and building the art….why????? I cannot stop, that’s why. It is a thing in my gut that drives me. But what if the God given skill you have….isn’t wanted? What then? Isn’t it the desire of every child ever born…..to have someone like what they did? In the movie Phenomenon, they called it….buying her chairs. Not enough people bought my chairs. It made me very sad. This, is my 2nd life depression, in a nutshell. I was watching a movie the other night while being so sad. I hear them say…..I’ve never seen anything like it in my life! Of course, my head riveted to those words since I heard them every single day in my art gallery……well, the thing on tv that was so new….was the TV. LOL……that finally took off, eh? So ya. My plan now is to sell during this festival for conscious people. If it still don’t sell….I’m out. Oh, I’ll probably still make em….just I’ll keep em and hide em. Gotta do what ya gotta do. If they don’t sell….I will give up. Not on life….just on that art. I’ll still be sad but maybe not as sad. I will be vending. If you have a product that you think would sell to either….Gringos(non costa Ricans who are desperate for something from the World) or for the Tico’s(locals who make $2 an hour and want something either pretty or useful but at way discounted prices) then send it my way for consignment. My new friend Elena…her whole booth is stuff other people make. Just gotta account for shipping. Kinda high….but UPS might be less….dunno yet.

   
      Taxi is arranged for a day with my daughter tomorrow morning…then we leave out Tuesday morning. I have nearly 24 full hours in Orlando…good grief….why?????? Alone. IN an airport. Ridiculous. Ok….back to what I was explaining. Every single day…..I notice something different in my thought patterns. I notice myself noticing things. I am evolving at a speed quite fast and jeesh……coming from a person who cried her whole life…ya…..probably to be expected. And speaking of that….whats wrong with crying all day? LOL…aside from getting nothing done…..it is a beautiful event. It feels sacred and looks sacred. Tears. The colors of our soul. There is something very elegant and powerful about watching someone cry. Or feeling yourself heave with the weight of it all. There is beauty there. I shall endeavor to love myself while I’m crying and remember that I am releasing……like dumping computer files. Room for more! Haha! But my mind is working out plans. I know….God laughs….but I think even God would approve of these. I have a few ideas of what would sell here and I plan to somehow invest in them to bring and sell…..but I’m also planning a small kickstarter. Very small. I need something in particular here in Costa Rica to do my work. $600 small. But necessary to thrive. Lol….if I tell ya now the whole world will be having a kickstarter to get one! Oh….and a sewing machine and magic sewing for dummies book. The feltloom would be great….one day. Haha. So technically…..I’m playing in a new sandbox thanks to the ayahuasca. Kinda glad I didn’t do it last night. I know the sadness just got swallowed up by change, so I’ll ride this wave while I process more and more of the DNA changes and mind freeing radicals. Hehehe. Oooooh….great line in a movie……”Why do I stand here with my hands in my metaphorical pockets…..chained to my comfortable spot of fear?” Ya!!! Love it. I’ve personally been trying to break outta fears. When I feel one now…post aya……I go into it and try to come through the other side….haha….except the loud noise outside thingy. I was frozen I tell you!!!

There is something in me that just won’t let me do….whats popular. That, my friends, has sprouted a new thing……….if someone comes up with it, puts it out there and it is a success….there a many many who will come and duplicate that and make their money on your idea. Something won’t let me do that. It’s taking over the world though. How much original thought is actually goin on these days???/ huh, huh???? Maybe that’s my main problem…I should be afraid of failure….those people are so afraid of it, they only do successful things, no risks….so they succeed on someone elses back, but they succeed. However…..Fear of failure has never been my problem…I fail all the time. Nope…I fear success. I fear Making it! It’s that damn quote where we fear our own greatness. In my first rebirth…that God gave me….I woke to the curiosity of the natural world. In this rebirth….that God and ayahuasca gave me….I woke to the curiosity of me. Of the human. The human mind and most likely the path will steer me also to dissect aspects of the physical as well. How else will I learn what heals and what doesn’t? Haha…another reason for my pain….to benefit others when I figure the crap out. In the end, it doesn’t matter what excites me or saddens me…or us……cuz it will blow away like a leaf and be replaced. So many leaves will be blown in that soon, it’ll be covered and the original leaf will be compost….turned to dirt once again. WAIT>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Hold everything! Why would I give up if it doesn’t work this time? I only started it 3 years ago!!! If it doesn’t work….then by golly I should and maybe will…go on a world tour. LOL…figure it out somehow…sell em outta my bag. I betcha in the world there are people who would love to spend hard earned money on soft and beautiful. That’s my art. Soft and beautiful. Haha….I’ll ride through Prague and Greece with a fuzzy painting strapped to my bicycle basket! People will stop me and say….HO!!! Are you the famed fuzzy painting bicycle Lady? Can I buy a painting from you??? Lol…..I like being of cheerful mood. WOW….here’s a thought…..since you guys know my downside……how bout if the sadness changes my channel and won’t let me change it back……I just tell you guys??? Both on FB and here….you can lift my spirits and carry me through till smooth highways return. Whatdya think? We lift each other up. How can I, we…lift you? Anyone? Watchin the cutest movie about a guy who is about to kill himself when the phone rings and he learns his dad died and he has to go get the body. Life threw wires around and rerouts his life…or should I say, his death. Life does that. I feel like life is rerouting me. Signing off at Quebradas Costa Rica…plan is to taxi to Summer in the morning, spend day, come back here then taxi at 8am to San Jose for plane to Orlando with 24 hour layover to arrive home Wednesday afternoon. That’s my plan…lets see what God has to say. Love love PS…took the trash out and found some beauty.

         

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