If I’m ever done talking about ayahuasca and the changes it’s made in me……I’ll let ya know. In the meantime….it’s all I can think of. Sure, I’m not thrilled that I had to tell you that the depression was creeping back. I wanted you to have hope…like I did. I still do, which is why I’ve tried to word all this very carefully and even withholding blogs. I don’t know the fullness of the why, so I hesitate. The truth is…..it changed most of me. I think so differently now. Even in depression, the old ruts playing….i can hear the analysis in the background. It’s deeper than me pondering the whys of my emotions so I can learn from them. It’s a different cycle. Like a fresh laptop, yet the same old software running. Ya….thats me. I’m a new motherboard! LOLLLLLL. Mama is a motherboard. Haha, I guess my new layered thrift clothes are the shiny new case! Anyway…….I have a hard time now with life. Well, maybe hard is not the right word. Ye know when the dog looks confused and he cocks his head to say….huh? Ya. I feel that way about most of life now, post ayahuasca. I feel smart. Ridiculously smart, but in ways that some wouldn’t even count…yet I would count it wholely important. I feel a lot of that goin on. Like…..I feel I know things on an energetic level….hard to explain……and watching life go by….couples, tv shows, the people in town in shops or street,…….the conversations I overhear, body language I notice. It’s as if I know more and I giggle a lot. Some at the expense of the unknowers, I gotta admit. In fact, I’m realizing I’m not as pretty inside as I’d thought….or wanted to think. You see….the ayahuasca shows you everything. Not just at ceremony…but ever after I would imagine.
So, whats happening with the depression is…lots. Shahaf(from Sound of Light…ayahuasca place) today suggested that perhaps I not look at it as the depression returning, and more like….a new thing to look at. I can’t remember how she said it exactly. As I heard myself speak to others about it….things ticked. By evening I knew what was up. My depression, as I said yesterday, is broken. Wrong. False. Broke. No matter how I try to make sense of it, I fail. I gotta figure out a way to write it out, scientifically. Like pros and cons or something similar. :+)) And the spoonful of aya a day. I heard about that a month ago in the aya group on FB. I fully intend to check into it. I’d either have to order it illegally…..or move here. Or the Amazon. But you see…….it was like day and night. Today. At market. Talking to new friends, trying to make sense of it…how odd that I chose to do so for one thing…….the pieces of a puzzle came together for me….showing me….that my depression wasn’t right. It was flawed. Hmmm, that means I should be able to send it back. I’m sure it’s under warranty. I met an old man who was in the shrink business and I know how to get a hold of him. I know that God arranged for us to meet today so that I could explain what makes me sad….and he could help me put in in a pkg that I can handle….cuz this pkg is broke broke broke. Beyond that…..I believe that possibly the best plan for me is to take a spoon of aya each day. See if that keeps the serotonin levels on an even kilter. That’s what I wanna do….what makes sense. If I hadn’t met with Anat today though, I wouldn’t even have that thought in my head so I am very grateful to the players in todays God speaks to MamaSheri Sunshine. A lot of players today. Even Summer messaged me after complete silence since she left. Shit, even Agula was at market. And I met a man named Mike, who gets horny when he smokes pot….and Walter the 83 yr old shrink who lives in Columbia and here both each month, and Ralph and Barbara and and and. I met so many that I forgot all the names. My lil ole carver friend(carves art into a half round of some vegetable or something and charges like a dollar and holds up this little plastic bowl of coins and shakes it towards you, who has bonded with me and we did the Jesus and me pose, heads bent and touching……..who chatters away at me in some language, Vietnamese maybe and acts like I understand and I….who act like I understand.) Haha. He gave me a hug and kissed my cheek today.
I’m learning so much about myself. Not all good. I’m envious. I hear someone has figured something out and has a great product…..my first response is…why couldn’t I? I’m embarrassed to feel that way, but it’s true. I feel like such a failure…and I guess envy goes with it like a ring and a finger. I jump between wanting to do something big…something really out there….to thinking I’m useless. Seems to be the word I use most often. Therein is where the conundrum lies. I’m not useless. I am that jack of all trades master of none yes, but that doesn’t make me useless. It just makes one think they’re not qualified to do any of their skills. Another conundrum….why does it matter? Why do I not just sit on my laurels and raise goats and knit scarves and hats? Sorry….no disrespect intended. Its good laurels. Uggh……my thoughts run so fast now that I can’t get them out fast enough or enough period. So many worthy thoughts. See what I mean? I giggle all the time when I’m not crying!!! Lol. Ok…I’m sleepy and not making sense and this is complicated enough. 12:04am =7 = Holy.
I had thought I’d do aya tonight but I had to argue via text all day to try to keep my iphone. Still not sure if I was successful. A day of severe stress……..why doesn’t he care??? I was too upset to think about aya. Maybe tomorrow. Pretty sure I need a fresh dip in humanitys ocean of wisdom and knowledge………maybe this time will help me understand why such depths of rending soul are needed. I saw a photo on FB of what fibromyalgia might look like if it were visible on the skin. It was a horrid picture of blue veins and bruises. Well….since I basically have that in my arms and legs….add the mind issues and….lets just paint me as a tall glass of bright red. I am a work of art in progress…….stay tuned for the completed vessel. Signing off from this beautiful dark day. Unpatiently waiting for my life to live.