hmmm…..

Back in Texas, I can’t even call it home anymore cuz what is a home? No clue. But back there, I lived in the country. I knew all the sounds. I was comforted by knowing all the critters, all the sounds. The humans were far enough away that we didn’t see them but we did hear people using the access road. No biggie, to be expected sounds. Enter Quebradas Costa Rica. This is a menagerie of mystery sounds and not so mystery sounds. Unbelievably large vehicles go up and down the hill 25 ft from my door….and it’s a bumpy road. Many many motorcycles go up this same road along with the hourly bus and every other car in Costa Rica. One of the neighbors has a teenage son who likes techo music loud when his mom leaves the house, the mystery chunk of glass that landed on the glass table made quite the sound, the big bangs that make no sense, the loud speaker announcing the wares, horns honking, kids crying, dogs barking, the jungle noises…some are awesomely pleasant….like being woke to the sound of many hummingbirds playing outside my window….lasted about half an hour and was not meant to be shared or the photos or video would have turned out. AND…..some are not so pleasant and the mystery animal sound scare I recently had. For several nights I was frozen in place…..terrified by the loud sounds coming from outside my door. I figured it was an animal after the fallen weird bananas and I was right apparently, since I finally got brave and tossed the banana bunches away from my porch. (Most likely it was the animal I seek to see…..the kinkajou, monkey looking critter…..but no, too fearful to look and see. Quite an eyeopener for me. To see, experience the extent of the fear I had. Literally couldn’t move. Keep thinking about the volcano burps and the earthquake……and the earthquakes everywhere else and all the other volcanos. Thinking….here I am…in a strange country….at what could be the end of the earth. I’m not home. Therein comes the issue for me. What is home? Where is my comfort? What is the point of life? Why are we here? Sometimes I get such a kick out of my new way of thinking….the ayahuasca changes…..it’s really fun. Not all moments are fun. Have I told you I’m smarter now? Yup.

I left many things behind at Awakening Soul….my pillow, towel, blanket, meds, most of the fiber, my art foam, my dirty whites from ayahuasca including a sweater and a winter cape. My basket too lol. I brought a lot of fiber, which I don’t have(it’s at awakening soul)…..and not so many clothes, so I’ve been adding to my closet with thrift store finds. They call them Americana’s. I’m tellin ya….this new style I have…..it’s just adorable. It’s a thrifty style. Tonight when I got home with my pants soaked….I grabbed a new skirt from a few weeks back. It was one that I folded way over and over in the store to get it to work right but knew in the back of my head that it was most likely originally intended as a large persons tube top dress…not a skirt. Well….as I throw it on to get dry, I decide to see…..and pull it up and yup….it works as a tube dress but it’s too big. Hmmmm. Hair tie to the rescue and wala….I now have a really cute jigjaggy dress! Thought I was gonna have to cut and sew and buy a bit of navy fabric….but nope…hairtie. I love hairties. I’m falling in love with myself. Slowly. Amidst the pain and rutty grooves, I see me and see the Right about me more and more. Right wrong, good evil, big little, and the middle.
Once upon a time, I didn’t give a whits ass what I looked like….or if people liked what I looked like. I was free. Not entirely free by any means…but I was free from the things that go with looks……nails, hairdo’s, shopping, shoes, am I pretty, do I look good enough, is this outfit good enough, do I match well enough, God look at those wrinkles!!! Those things didn’t bother me. But I think they did bother someone. It was encouraged that I change the way I dress. So I did. Then, it was encouraged that I change the way I eat. So I did. My encourager left the photo, so I went back to eating the closest thing to comfort food I then knew…..other options had since been removed. For this trip, and for the healing….I went back to the bad food that I’m now supposed to consider good food. I’ve been reassessing. Processing. New perspectives, new eyes. Not likin some things I see. I’m done being the willy nilly child. Willy nilly child exits the building. Here’s the bottomline and I’m back to it…of course I am…it’s the bottom line. I am me. I trust me and I trust my inner voice…well, not the one that says I suck, the other one. The God one. The tiny voice. I hear it, I listen to it and I usually obey it but lately, there’s been an extra voice in my head. It cannot stay there. Love does not allow it. Back to the clothing……it brought back into my life….envy, pride, vanity, passion(in a celibate woman) and….it took money from me. Before this…..I wore mens sleep pants and Walmart $5 tshirts. Yes, dressing this way has been fun, way fun…..but dang. I evolved backwards!!! (and yes, the thrift store finds are only $4 or so too, but I now actively seek it out!!!)But did I say it’s been SO fun????? SO fun!!! (It woke the designer in me)

I have all this time alone here….to ponder. I used to ponder at home in my bed. Now I ponder in this home, in this bed. Ponder, sort, process. Angry with God. Prayed for 3 years for God to give me something I could make money with using my goats hair. He gave me a skill, an art….but people didn’t buy it. It occurred to me yesterday that it was Gods fault for giving me a crap skill. Ya…..I’m in a pickle. I’m in a bind, a twisted bind. When I arrived the very first day up on Chirripo mountain, I knew I had to stay. Of all the places here in Costa Rica, I could have stayed there and not worried about money and lived there happily my whole life as a community Grandmother. A wise elder. No. Not to be. Next place, not. Next, not. But since day one….I’ve been trying to find a way to support myself, so I could stay. I am a married woman and I do not need to find a way to support myself, yet this is what occupies my brain 24/7. This is what causes the depression. The I’m not good enough complex. This is what is trying to whoop Ayahuasca’s ass! And why? WHY? What is so great about this place? The mosquitos? The food? Ok….so there are only 2 downsides, but really? Still????? In Texas I’m only 3 hours from the beach…..here, 30 min, but 3 hours isn’t that bad. Will I see someone I know at that beach? No. Why does that appeal to me so much? Why is the fact that there are like minded people every where I show up……such a draw for me? At the end of the day, I really am a loner. So….what? What am I hanging on to? And why? Am I hanging onto my daughter? If so,, why……won’t she still love me tomorrow? Won’t she love me regardless? Not sure. Moms love their kids…..not sure the legalities on the reverse.

When I was first diagnosed, I cried and asked my daughter for help in staying alive. Now I want to change that. I don’t want help staying alive. I just want to be happy and I want my kids to be happy. Dying, that’s Gods business. I never paid attention to the human version of it anyway. How many times did Doc tell me I was dying when she first met me??? Three. I ignored them all. That was 13 years ago. (1st liver, 2nd thyroid disease, 3rd body in dying mode) Well all I can say is wow…..my body has been in dying mode for 10 years. A whole decade. For Gods sakes……no…for MY sake…….I’m just gonna live…until I die. But….as Sinatra the great would say….I’m gonna do it MY WAY. Love you all. Signing off from this introspection at 11:44pm……Quebradas Costa Rica. PS…..I feel like I’m now in one of those carnival funny rides thingies. Ye know with the funny mirrors and everything is distorted. Being me is not easy work. Oh….and about those noises…….how’s a gal to know if the world is coming to an end if she’s already used to shrugging off huge loud sounds as….normal??? Haha…..I did feel that earthquake tho….but not the volcano hiccups. Pss….oh great. There are already over 100,000 monks….they don’t need me. Psssss…sorry, know this is running way long. Just realized that my plane leaves in a week. I can fly it home or I can extend it and guess at a date….any date. So….where do I wanna be? Where would I wanna be if the world were ending? This is a couple days old…tomorrow is Market Day. Rained twice today. Hehe. Rainy season about to start!

PSSsssss. This is a week or so old. I kept thinking it was no good but what the heck. Today was market day and all I can say is…after talking with a few people today about my depression…….I’ve come to the conclusion that….my Depression is BROKEN. It is not correct. No matter how hard I analyze it, it never makes sense. I meet an 83 yr old shrink today. Think I’ll let him help me if he can. Also…..heard that I need may need the ayahuasca every 4-8 weeks to keep my seratonin levels up. Damn. Looking into it.

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9 thoughts on “hmmm…..

  1. You can teach english? There are lots of things you can do, but you have to find something that will make you happy. When does your plane leave? What does your husband think about you staying in Costa Rica?

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