Where am I….who am I….?

Where am I? Have I lost myself or have I found myself? Nothing, no thing….well, maybe a few things….is are, the same. I’m wearing different clothes, sleeping in a different bed with a different pillow in a different house in a different country with a rewired and thereby different brain. Mind, I should say. The brain is a chunk of flesh. The mind is a vastly powerful force of nature with a will to live stronger than horse feet glue. I am experiencing different weather, different insects, different scenery, different mentalities and personalities of a different people, and this is all happening with the beat beat thump of my now very different heart. Sure, same lump of flesh, but have you not done your research? Or, have you not read my blog on this very subject of the heart??? The heart is its own kingdom, as is the mind. Now that I’ve done ayahuasca, I believe my heart is now doing the thinking. It now overrules the mind. It must be. There’s really no other explanation to the newness of me. I’ve already been literally and truly born again…way more so than most others……but this is different. It’s as if the old me died, even though I did NOT experience a death during aya……..but as if the old me died and my heart was zapped with a different light…..a different electricity…energy…….to restart it. Yes, every now and then it tries to go down old paths in my mind but the newness, perhaps the new color of my mind backdrop……reminds me….stops me. Haha…that is my way of saying….sometimes I have moments of depression even now….and or fear. Old thought roads that have been traveled so well, so lovingly, so long….that they’ve worn ruts…grooves and the needle of the haystack of the now of me……the tao of me……..sometimes slips in. But the greenness…..the purpleness of it all……me……takes me to the core truth again and again. I am.

I am the daughter of God. I am the believer of this regardless of the smart people who say there is no god. I am the green of the leaf the brown of the vine. The blue of the hummingbird the light of the wings. The morph as well. I am the morph. I am the waterfall, the river, the river rock…..huge and gray with wrinkles and scars and smiles and warmth built in my lap. I am the mosquito….bothering people with my words, bzzzzz bzzzzz, they slap me away. But I get in their skin and fester. A constant reminder that life is not what we were told…..that life is happy, life is connection, life is love. Love….that word that they call sappy…..well, they also named the truth…conspiracy theory, to confuse ya. Love is the energy. The big kahuna. The all out. The manly the feminine, yin yang. Love is THE SECRET. Love is the popcorn waiting for some heat……to surprise you with the pop of flavor…to please you. It’s all to please you. If you only knew this. I struggle to remember this. What have they put in the water….the clouds? Even children forget their words mid prose. Love needs to be busheled up and sent out. Chi. Love. A blanket of love. It spreads. The warmth spreads, like a light. Each person feels the warmth of those next to them and then they too light up. It can begin with a smile. I want to smile at the whole world. Every day, I smile at those I see. Some don’t want to be smiled at. I smile anyway. I love these people, so unassuming. So 70’s American. Viva Costa Rica! 

     Aside from a few items like this keyboard and my iphone, a few colors of fiber and some clothes…..nothing is the same. Not the food, the soap, the drinks, the plants, the sounds…did I say…the food? Ya, well…….so. I’m new and living in a new land, with new things. What to do with this knowledge? What to do with my day? I would say days…plural, but that would not be living in the now, as I seem to be directed to do now. Today, when I was once again piling the things gone wrong up in a stack…..trying to convince myself I’d made the wrong choice by getting this cabin…..the propane went out and I couldn’t cook or heat water for hot chocolate or tea. As I fessed up to myself that perhaps it happened to stop me from the dang hot chocolate kick I’m now on…..I was reminded to place it in Gods hands, so I did. I then did my part and left a note on the landlords door. It is only 3:30 and I already have new propane. Now why isn’t it working with the bugbites? Hmmm. Gotta ponder the solution cuz now I even have tiny ants while I sleep. Yesterday it was my hand…today my owie foot. And then….you get a mind curve. So you say fuck it….and you lay down. 

     I don’t feel like talking right now. This was written a few days ago. Ayahuasca is not a cure…it is a tool. I had thought it was a cure. IT is still important though. Tools are important. I still have to do work….but I do have the tool. Think I’ll be going for a refresher course soon. Get my tool all spiffed up. My brain is now humorously running in the record grooves of the song of my life and the aya is dancing a waltz. Me….I’m along for the ride. Very lonely here. You guys know what I do when I get lonely or sad? I eat and I shop. I am now the proud(?not really) owner of 4 used Americano skirts and some fabric for art backgrounds. I tried and tried to take the bus home today and was finally successful at 2:30. Just when I think I’ve figured out all I need to know about the bus….a festival happens. And what holds one day…may not the next. Oh….I heard a Costa Rica joke. Cept it’s true! Once upon a time there was a crime problem. So they put up bars around the houses and wala…no more crime. No lie….everything is barred in. Saw one of my Awakening Soul friends today. He was wandering around looking for the internet café. I said I guess you’re why I’ve been losing the bus all day…come on. He said he just wanted out of San Isidro cuz he’d been robbed. His smartphone taken from his hands as he walked the streets at night. Hmmm. I’ve done that. Yikes.

          I’m processing life right now and it doesn’t feel very good. I’m alright, just very sad and a few other adjectives. Confused, irritated, dismayed, joyed, disillusioned, small, fat, useless, tickled, awed, smart, stupid, destiny’d, useless(that one keeps replaying), sour, giddy, loving. Ya. Lotsa words. Lotsa feelings. I don’t know if I’m still dying or not, and to be honest….it doesn’t matter. I’m still God’s daughter and He only let’s go when it’s perfect Timing. Signing off at Quebradas Costa Rica. Ps…..thank you GOD for ayahuasca…..without you, I’d still be in horrendous shape.


2 thoughts on “Where am I….who am I….?

  1. Hugs my Deer friend.
    It has been a while since I wrote a long letter to you.
    Be careful following your heart because it can mislead you. We are told in the Bible that we should use our Heart, Mind and Soul when making decisions. Talk to God and see where he leads you. He has taken you there to find out about yourself, to learn that you are you and no one else is you because no one else has been through what you have. There is always someone who has had it worse then us. You should be proud of all you have done, endured and made it through. We are all different and all loved by God for being us, but we need to think, what does God want me to do, and try our best to achieve it. You have been given a chance to make yourself right, and you are doing it, it isn’t easy, there will be bumps in the road, stay positive, keep going and look to the future as well as living each day and doing the best that you can. You need to look forward, because as you learned, you can’t focus on what is in your past. It is like trying to drive a car by looking only in the rearview mirror while going forward.
    Are you still dying, yes, we all are, aren’t we? If you weren’t you would be immortal. Death is a horrible consequence of the original sin, if Adam hadn’t eaten from the forbidden fruit, because he was following his heart and listened to his love, Eve, not his mind and soul, that must have been screaming “no, don’t do it”. He introduced mankind to death.
    The thing about death is, all that are born will die, some young some old, some in their prime, some before and some way after. Some people will die healthy and some very sick, some in accidents and some will take their own lives, but we will all die. For some it will be a slow drawn out death, where they will have time to put things right in their and the ones they loves lives, then for others it will be in the blink of an eye, no time for goodbyes, so many things unsaid and undone. I don’t know how or when I will go, but when I do, I want everyone to know I was happy. I loved, I laughed, I loved and praised God during the bad times as well as the good times, I regret nothing because everything I did and experienced in my life made me who I am, if any of those things were different, then I may not have been the me I am.
    It maybe time to head home, if you are lonely then perhaps your journey there is done.
    Hugs and love Night Owl,
    Your Deer friend,

    “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9). Jesus said: “Out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander” (Matthew 15:19). This is not leadership material.”

    • Mea, from day one, there’s been no relaxing. It’s as if I’m in a panic to find a way to stay. Day one man. And God now has me on this minute to minute thing with no planning allowed. All I do I think….how can I support myself? How can I support myself. An unintended and not helpful mantra I can’t help but play over n over

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