The ayahuasca is in me now. Within me. A part of me. Intimately comingled with every cell in my body. I suppose it has been for awhile now. Ever since I asked Grandmother Aya to be with me….to help me prepare, I guess she’s been here because everything is energy and a mingle is energy matched. I said her name. I asked her to come to me. To help me. My energy met the energy of her name and wala, we were one. Then we met in person, and the drop of her that was poured down my essence, has been swimming through the oceans of cells within me, meeting and greeting. Touching and avoiding. Waking. Singing. I know I will drink more drops of her but I actually wonder at its necessity. Today I was looking at a piece of art I had laid a distance away so I could see where I was with it. I decided it was one of those not so good art pieces, but it told a story, therefore it was still worthy. Somehow, that led to me having too many names, too many passions, too many loves……and these thoughts caused the aya to sing a song of forgiveness and acceptance. What on earth is wrong with a person who has too many names? Nothing. What does it hurt? Well, it creates distraction, thus a shielding, a hiding away of who I am. Maybe it’s a self protection so I can’t become famous. That would be dreadful. Of course there is a tiny part of me that wants to….but the main of me knows how miserable that would make me. I am such a private person. Haha…..become blogger.
Anyway……and too many passions….well, that steals learning time from other passions but seriously Sheri…or is it Sunshine……seriously…..what is the real harm? Think of it as just different. No, you don’t know each skill to the max…but you can make some wicked cool combinations. Right? Well then go there why don’tcha? And love. True, you have so many animals now that they each only get a moment or two a day of love……but they have a home, love, food, ease and joy. See……I need to cut myself some slack. I’ve always needed it….and am now being provided it, via ayahuasca. Man, that stuff tasted bad, but it was like a form of window cleaner….which I’m sure also tastes bad…….and it cleaned my window. My body, my brain, my soul…from the inside. Like the scrubbing bubbles bathroom cleaner, lol. Or pac man. You see, all my cells are now combo cells. Aya/I am cells. I now have a built in teacher inside me who steers me right. Speaking of right. I finally read my journal from the ceremonies. As I suspected….nearly empty. It does however, say…..there is no right or wrong. Everything just is. Surprising eh? The worst of the worst of crimes, of deeds…..is neither right nor wrong. The bravest most sacrificial of actions….is neither right nor wrong. Pretty heavy duty when you realize that.
As a person who was suicidal for 38 years….you could say I’ve shed my share of tears. There are however, a few times of, well……of monstrously excessive tears. 3 actually. One was in Sedona, overlooking the cliff and seeing the bulldozers below, the tears of the Indians, Natives gone before…..came rushing down my cheeks like a river when the dam has broken. Thousands of tears, not my own….but I welcomed them with love and allowed them to dance with me. The 2nd was when Spirit summoned me to South Dakota to pray for the world, halfway up Bear Butte mountain. And the 3rd, was for myself……when ayahuasca was raging through my body….waking and stimulating the miseries who had lived inside me my whole life. Tears. So many tears. So many tears they couldn’t be wiped away…..they were allowed to be….to exist in their pristine given form…….and they dried upon my face, becoming one with me once again, but they had changed form…..they were now freedom. Freedom reigns inside me now, along with the ayahuasca. Haha, I was just thinking….if Jesus were here right now, would he say I was enlightened enough? Then I remembered a recent shamanic journey where he did come…..and we sat down together, leaned towards each other and pressed our heads together. You know that pose? Then…..that’s when I told him…..I’m so tired….and he replied…..I know. I’m scared. I really wanted to be completely enlightened before I died, so I could ascend and be done with this playground….but apparently I am just so very weary. Maybe that’s why I’m steering away from the cleanses. It’s so funny. Everything I think life is overbearing for me and nothing sounds good that I can create in my brain as to do next….there is nothing fun I can conjur up to do…..and then….GOD steps in….and says oh ya? How bout this….or this or this??? That’s pretty typical for me but this one….this time….is one for the record books. The tremendousness of this journey…..this adventure…..this reality…..well….let me just say thankyou, I am so grateful to be proven wrong. This was worth living. This was worth breathing through the pain. Joy is not every moment…..but it could be….if I could train it right. LOL….how to train your dragon. Haha….think of joy as a dragon…who can FLY!! Ya….she be goofy.
Oh….let me tell you about this flower. It’s the favorite of the hummingbirds and I now know why. Ok, so, we are in the jungle. In the jungle, there are often waterfalls and pools, next to the lush vegetation. Well, this one flower, contains both a pool, and the earth and plants beside it. The bird can feel as if he is at the pool……everytime he eats!!! How cool is that? God must love hummingbirds. OH…and God must love me if he let me go to the hummingbird realm during ayahuasca! I’ve heard some horrible stories lately and I was truly blessed with all of my experiences. Blessed I tell you. The harshest thing I had to experience…which was pretty damn harsh….was realizing that the person cruelest to me….was me. But no deaths and rebirths, no bad memory things to rehash, no, I was blessed. Then again, I asked AYA for assistance months in advance, I called in every guide I could think of, I asked for outside prayers and I prayed hard myself, for myself. Oh….I forgot….back to the tears on aya day……the ones that dried? Well….it also says in my journal that some of them…..just are. Tears that just are. Like they just wanted to exist! And I gave them life. Yup….a true mama here. Are you smiling yet? Alrighty. Nuff for today, this rainy day in Costa Rica. It seems that Costa Rica celebrates the mother later in the summer, but for us, it’s May. Happy Mothers DAY all you mommies and even all you who couldn’t or didn’t. You each held the energy of your child……Bless you. Signing off from this lil cabina in Quebradas. Love love. Ps….I promised Ganeshy an apple if he got us home from the border. ;)))).