Back in Grandmothers arms…

Before we arrived at SOL, I was advised not to do the first ceremony. It was a Santo Daime Cura ceremony with strict protocols Andy few thought it best if I just skipped it and then did a typical SOL ceremony the next night. Upon arrival my excitement grew to the point I really wanted to go…to do both! As we lay down for a few hours before ceremony started, I was praying like crazy. Covering all my bases. Putting energetic shields up, putting violet and other flames up wayyyy early, cuz I now knew what a Cura ceremony meant!!!! Besides world healing and individual healing, it was also to assist any spirits stuck in the astral realm….to help them find the light to move on. Souls can attach themselves to you in this type event more so than the average ceremony, so I wanted to be good and protected!!!!! Of course I wanted to help any stuck folks….but I was allowed to be wary and protective!!!! 

So…I’m laying on the bed and suddenly I feel it. I feel the chicken in me surfacing. Fear. That durn thing that follows me around. I was indeed chickening out. So. I prayed. I prayed hard to Grandmother and asked if I should participate tonight and the immediate green flash of the firefly gave me my answer. Yes. A very definite yes. Figured I best share that part lest y’all think I was all courage, no hesitation. When you get an answer that clear….you do it. Fear or no fear. 
Remember how I was sayin I needed a do anything ceremony? To force, retrain, allow my body to be able to express itself in any way it wanted at any time it wanted. Like sing out loud or pretend out loud or twirl if I wanted…you know….to be free! Well!!!! I haven’t had that ceremony yet but during the Aya ceremony, I noticed it was somewhat happening. I was having to sing in close proximity to others, dance, vomit out loud, and even diarrhea in an outhouse. Vomiting is a very loud event ye know. A real event. Thing is….I wasn’t alone. We were All having to puke out loud and sing n dance. We all had to be vulnerable together. It was a beginning. Tonight at the beach, Summer was twirling like a Sufi. I wanted to but that THING in me wouldn’t let me!!! I was frozen in place as usual. No!     No no no!!! So….I twirled! Ha, then I went the other way and nearly puked! Lol, but I did it…..sorta. I did step back a bit to be outtA view some of the other beach goers. But….still….I did it. I overcame a fear. It may still be there but for this day…I stepped beyond it. That my friends, is courage. I’ve been doing some of that lately. ;=)). 
While we were there, so many people said they wished their mom would come with them! It was kinda a mind blower that a mother daughter duo had arrived to do ayahuasca! I had the walking stick that had been divinely created right before I needed it, and it saved me!!! It got me down that one mountain, then up and down this one. It’s still with me, that walking stick of awesomeness! Oh Lordie…I’ll be back tomorrow going up and down! I bet it takes me a good half hour to an hour at least to go up. With my trusty stick. So Ya!!!! Even 53 year old women with 3rd stage liver disease and HepC can do ayahuasca and walk up n down mountains to do it! Haha, she can even beg for funds to do so. Go figure. 
I feel changed. In subtle ways deep
under the skin. Way deep. Like it’s ok to drop off my history now. Done, gone, no biggie….see ya. They are sliding off me and as I do more ceremonies, the onion layer of me, shall fall off. The society layer, the education system layer, the I Can’t layer, the Pity me layer and on and on. On down to specifics. Specific memories no longer needed…cleansed on a grand scale. My insight on Saturday was brought on, spurred by a song my daughter was singing….wash me away. The unnecessary parts are now….walking away. It’s a beautiful thing. Speaking of beautiful things….after that night was done, and we were released to do whatever, we went to the river. I swam naked!!!! Me!!!! Lol, one white white thing in the water!!!! Not only did I swim naked but I sat on a rock naked too!!! Haha…and next to a naked man!!! Good Lordie gracious me. While down there, I saw a blue butterfly!!! Was it a blue morpho? I dunno. But it was very blue so I’m gonna say Ya! Maybe I saw…was gifted with the sight of….a blue morpho which was on my intention list. But before that, a blue Heron flew right over my head, missing by inches!!!!! Yes!!! Another gift!! Oh, and as I listened to the jungle wake up!! Yes, I finally got to do that!!!! And it is a very beautiful song. A symphony actually. Then….I got to see the first strokes of paint as God placed them in the sky. His first touch of the canvas for the day, tiny little baby clouds all strung in a row. Their births as fresh as me. 
In the past, I’ve had no rhythm. (First typed as: I have no rhythm….as you can see, I’m changing how I speak to myself!!!)….but I want to learn some. I want to beat the drum. I’m beginning with shakers I guess. What I have access to. Finally getting sleepy. Checkout at 10, bus at 2. Not sure if I gotta carry heavy backpack a mile or if we can get taxi. See, bus means long waits in sun, long far carries of heavy backpack and then a wait to be picked up. Taxi saves all that but that’s $40. It’s not cheap here. Night night from Flutterby House. 11:35pm = 1= beginnings!!!!
Trying to juggle ceremonies with $$$, logistics, conflicting times and schedules of others is the agenda right now. Not enough money to do all the things I want and need so am
juggling. Therefore, I cannot exactly tell you the plans as they shall evolve. Go figure…I’m now living in the moment!!! 
And true enough…the cacao ceremony has been cancelled. Postponed. We took the bus from the beach to San Christobal and Vismay picked us up from there. Back in the jungle again although there is still jungle at the beach complete with howler monkey howls but not as strong of a jungle feel or sound. Not like here. Deep jungle. Both are home to Mosquitos, for certain. My ankles are raw from scratching and burned in the salty ocean. 
Will be chatting soon to see if it’s ok for me to do more aya. The cost is more than I can afford so I’m hoping to just do one or 2 of the grandmother ceremonies and at least one of the peyote and sweat lodge. And the conversation has been had. He’s willing to work with us at a discounted rate, even though this medicine is more costly than usual. YeeHaw!!! Some of the people from Awakening Soul are possibly coming here for the last ceremony which would be an even deeper bond. There are many intentional community farms here to choose from should one decide to stay. Some you buy into, some you commit to a certain time frame to work and see if it’s for sure for you. There’s even a cacao plantation in the works but it could still be in dream/planning phase, not sure. But anyway….. The deal has been struck. Half price. The part at the river is done in silence for 3 days with as much or as little medicine as we each want with the goal of pushing the edge. Rather like a traditional Native American vision quest except we won’t be alone. Then again, neither ate they…someone stays and hides, watching to protect. He suggests sticking it out even if I at some point cease the medicine. And I haven’t said so yet but I’ve been so looking forward to trying the peyote and I finally get to!!! I am blessed!!! All this medicine…for me!!!! 
I just faced my shyness and did my first helping in a community kitchen! I cut up a pumpkin!!!! More to come! I can do this.  Oh ya…Summer thought it was odd that I told y’all about my insight to love myself then telling you I needed this medicine to save my life. Not odd at all. One insight…albeit a huge special one….is not enough to conquer a lifetime of suicidalness. Just gimme a foundation to stand on. I will stand. 
So…..it looks like I’m in for the whole shebang. This whole 7 day event then the Columbian medicine too immediately after. Sounds like I’m about to be quite experienced at this. And imagine!!!!! Me…silent for 3 days!!! Your prayers will be very welcome. Here’s the rundown: normal ceremony tonight, sweat w/peyote tomorrow, 3 days n nights in silence at the river in our own spaces, then sweat/peyote, then normal ceremony that may have our AS friends as well. Then a hitch to the homefarm for the Columbian, who does it a different way and with different medicines added. FOR ALL THE PEOPLE WHO SAID THEY AREN’T BRAVE ENOUGH…,you CAN!!!! I can…you can! Much love sent to you all!!! Signing off at http://www.solcircle.org 
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