Well people….a LOT can happen in a few hours. I’m still at the hotel but life has already changed for me. First of all…..I need to say that not all is always peaches and roses with me and the daughter. Yesterday we had a …or I should say, I had a blowout. I was angry and regretting my decision to come. I explained, she heard. I then swallowed it and life moved on. We went on into town and had a day. Fairly late last night…..I found out an extremely important piece of information about where we were going. No electricity in the room. This means…..not being able to charge either iphone or laptop. Who knows, there may be charging zones set up, I dunno. But this effects me ……at this moment this is all I know of how it will affect me, but here goes. Without a charge on iphone, no flashlight. Without a charge on laptop…..no blog. Now, YES…..there are a myriad of other ways it will or may affect me that I don’t know yet, but these are the ones I wanted you to know about.
It took me a loooong time to fall asleep and when I did, it was fitful. I woke up constantly with that knowledge in my brain…blaring at me. Somewhere in the night, I cried. And another couple of somewheres as well. As you all have been witnessing, I have been learning and changing and doing fairly well. At one point, after the tears, I realized I would have to then be stoic and just endure. Just change. I know I’ve left so much out you will never know the context of this. Not knowing what time it is, during the night…will affect sleep. Then again….time is false and I’ve known this and wanted to live without time. NO IDEA where the bathrooms are. IN room, great. Not in room…..with headlamp instead of iphone…..yikes. Not used to headlamps. I’ve just woken, not even had a sip of water…no tea……so I’m not remembering it all. Suffice it to say that the person who comes back….may not be the same person who went. At all. She may not even want to blog. I’m not happy that I found out about this after the fact….but hey…..life isn’t supposed to be fair or even kind. All of these factors that I will be dealing with…no sugar, enemas, flushes, no tea, unknown food, no time, no internet, yoga(and many many more) are things that will affect me. Change me. Anyways….at one point….I decided…..just do it. No matter how uncomfortable….I think I’ll go ahead. No….this doesn’t even count the ayahuasca. Not a shred of my life will be the same.
Then……there’s the question of how to live….when you go back to the place you once called home….but now is just a pit…..drowning in old ways and old beliefs. I read that all the time on the aya group…..they struggle with returning to society. The aya, affects the serotonin….which affects depression. Many people are cured of their depression or are at least eased. Oh…..i remember the other part of my struggle last night. Stay and do this….or go and become a man. Haha. I mean, I would have to find and pull out my masculinity in order to be brave enough and able to…..find my own way….alone…..in this country. I was weighing these two when my spirit chose to step out of time. Hopefully I will lose the resentment at not being told something that would surely be important and that she obviously knew. Hindsight. I see it now. I’ll have to chalk it up to God. Everytime we pull cards or listen to Gangaji or say, the PELE REPORT…….it confirms these choices. In the pele report, he said the next month would be like BOOT CAMP. Yes, a great way to describe what I’m about to enter into. Like I said….I’m half asleep and not articulating well. My memory fogs. There are aspects I haven’t even thought of yet, I’m sure. This will be…………aside from giving birth and living 38 years in suicidal depression….one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I shall be strong. Very strong. I may even go silent. Summer read last nights blog and said they go silent on Saturdays. I may stretch it. I’ll do what I need to do. I do need to balance. I need male energy in me. I’m all squish and fear and wisdom. The 3 don’t swim happily together. Spirit tells me all the moves in my life. Could be my inner self, dunno…..but once again….there are no fingernails on this body. As of last night, I bit off the remaining 2.Life is funny that way. Maybe the aya will be sooner than later and I might’ve scratched myself…lol, I dunno why spirit wanted them gone, all I know is once spirit wanted them sharpened into points…daggers really…..and turns out they were needed!!! So….I always follow that tiny voice. And the tiny voice says….keep going. You’ve been through hell………you can do it again with your eyes open…..and walk in with your head held high!!! Little Feathers is on her way to the bank to change over a ton of money. Decided it best she go alone, less eyes looking at us. Must be my pouch jingles. Summer hears the jingles and when they get too far away, she slows. After the bank…her friend arrives to be picked up and taken to aya….so she wants to run and visit with him before we get picked up. She probably wants to go solo. Solo…….important word here. Alone. By itself. Did you know I’ve never really been alone? Well, small spaces, a year at the most if that….ever. The aspects in my life that need to alter, are many. The war between the thoughts in my head must find resolution. MUST. I refuse to continue this way. Like I’m broken…..more than chipped……I’m broken and falling over….hanging by intestines. Lol. I shall stand up straight, tuck those intestines in and stitch it up. Stitch me. Fix me. Hmmmm…..uh oh. Just realizing I’m not supposed to fix me. I’m supposed to accept me. Oh well, we gonna just do it. Love you guys. Thanks for the prayers. Prayers back to you. Headed to a farmers market before we leave. Signing off for the last time at Rudy’s Hotel, San Isidro Costa Rica. PS…..who knows….there could be electricity after all and I’m fretting for nothing. If there’s not though….somehow….I can do it.