I’m realizing too much. I’m realizing that I begged God for a brother….for a magical brother who would appear, but magically he was older than me, so he could protect me. It had become obvious to me that nobody else was protecting me. My sisters weren’t and my parents weren’t. I don’t know what they didn’t protect me from…..but it obviously was big. I’m realizing that I’ve learned in life that the ONLY human I can count on…..and completely trust….is ME. All others have let me down. Problem is…..so has ME. Reality for me……there is nobody. There is nothing. Nothing can be done. Doomed. Doomed.
This plan has been too long in the works. Too long for me to think on it. Too long to fret on it. As the miles click by and my daughter gets closer with each minute….panic sets in deeper, harder, thicker. Pure fear. Pure racing thoughts. I feel ill. If I don’t go….I will not be able to forgive it. I will just wither. If I do go….I don’t trust myself to not do something stupid, like run off into the jungle in a fit of depression. I can’t go and I can’t not go. I don’t trust my daughter to understand my needs. She certainly didn’t in Virginia last summer, and this is ANOTHER COUNTRY! That fact terrifies me. I’ll be in another country!
Some think I need a relationship with God, that perhaps I’ve stepped too far away from HIM. Kinda hard to step away from someone who is inside you. I already have a relationship with my Creator and it is beyond me how it could be deeper. I simply am not hearing HIM speak on this matter of Costa Rica. He usually lets me know what to do and I don’t feel that He has. Oh wait. That priest said God was feminine. She. Hmmm, but I asked by what name did He want to be called, by me…..and He answered….Father. So, to me, that implies a male energy. Anyway, Father is, by lack of speaking on the matter…..either……telling me it’s a mistake, don’t go…………..or…………He wants me to decide, since it is my evolution, my enlightenment, my life and my death. I only really have experience with the former, so what makes me think it’s the latter is beyond me….hope I suppose. I am a jumble of contradictions. So scared. So noble. So courageous(the one who will arise within while there). So ignorant. So stuck. Stuck with me and no amount of ayahuasca will change that. And…..if there is this much fear now….how smart is doing it in the first place?????? What would the fear level be like at the time and how stupid would I be to do it? Or to not do it?
Stuff goin on with the goats. I shoulda just taken them all. Peaches is losing her coat, from fever. I could strip her entire back end if I wanted, painlessly, it would come off in my hands….but then she would be naked, in February. I panicked and called Lisa. Nah, she had been doing well, it must be from the previous illness. Then there’s Rosie. Too sick to go, so I kept her and her mom. Yesterday I tried Prohibit. My last resort. Today I couldn’t even get a fecal, she is straight diarrhea. Tail is tucked and looks like she’s been starved to death…like all the babies who have died. All the food she needs, yet is skin and bones. Mineral blocks. Actually, they are the only real thing different here. Thor……well, he’s still the fastest crab with hooves I’ve ever seen, but he too is losing his coat….and what coat he has is coarse. He is a friggin baby! They have been treated for cocci. And barberpole. And other worms. I’m out of ideas…..and no…I will not go back to Texas A&M. I did collect that bit of diarrhea and will get more tomorrow and will take fecals of her and Peaches to the new vet I found. Although…she told me today on the phone about the worm recommendations for texas. Worm only the sick, and keep track of who is sick. After a time……cull the ones who got sick repeatedly, cuz they are the part of the herd with worms. Something like 90% of worms are in 10% of herd. So you just keep culling them out. GOD……………………I need out of the animal world, this is insane. But this has been going on for so long. Oh….and I do take a part of the responsibility for the loss of so many. Ya, the vets screwed up royally, and that cascaded over the past 2 years….but my part, well, I should have started trying to figure it out before I did. Maybe if I’d carried Flutterbug in, but in reality….here we are so many months later and do we have an exact diagnosis? No. Thor is alive, and Peaches. They were both treated for cocci. But so was Rosie. And Moonbaby, but Moonbaby was compromised by Texas A&M’s asinine 3 liters of cow rumen. You will never convince me otherwise. But no….because I don’t fit the mold of the friggin world, I won’t do a thing about it. They’ll just taint me, cuz I am tainted, I am different….not realizing that taint….is just as needed as clean. I probably shouldn’t be blogging. I probably shouldn’t post this. I probably shouldn’t go. I probably shouldn’t stay. I probably should shut up. Shutting up at YeeHaw Ranch.
Okay so last night was scary. All I could think of was that oh dear Lord this is the brain I’m taking into the Ayahuasca experience with me? this brain? this brain is freaking out right now!!! this brain is terrified of every friggin thing that could possibly happen on this trip and this is the brain I’m taking into Ayahuasca with me? Aye yai yai yai yai!!!! But my little feathers arrived late last night and that was enough to shift the brain away from the chaos freak out stance it was in and I guess now were getting ready to go to coaster Rica yeah baby. I’m headed back home now after going to Austin to try and fix my phone. Turns out the only thing that needed fixed was my brain. I didn’t know how to work the darn thing!!! I was able to solve the suitcase issue though. I found an off piece on sale at Sears and put it on hubby’s Sears card yay. The hardest part I believe will be packing the fiber! How’m I going to figure out which fiber to take? I mean seriously!!! I haven’t painted the pictures yet so I don’t know what colors I need and I don’t know what fiber type I need. Oh yeah I got my sign!!!! Last night I was very specific…I said I need the words coaster Rica to show up on Facebook tomorrow. This morning I woke up, went to Facebook and sure enough there was the word coaster Rica. Oh God and it does not make me feel good that the voice recognition system keeps saying coaster Rica instead of costa Rica. Coaster like a roller coaster ride….oh hell no I just want a nice soothing healing vacation! Ok well, we be getting ready. Monday AWAY!!!! Haha….signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.