getting excited……still scared though

The brain is such a funny thing. I just caught mine saying……are you a failure? Haha! I answered it that no, I was not a failure because I always try things even when I’m scared. But seriously, why would the brain want to ask that of me? What does it care? Does it want me to be a failure? Is there a built in thing inside me that drives me to not exist that is at war with the thing I KNOW exists which is the desire to exist. Hahahaaa. Hmmm. Lets try that again. We all have the instinct to live. Perhaps us broken ones, perhaps we have a bad wire and we get both, will to live and will to die and they cross and shoot out electric currents all the time. Like a broken wire sparking. Interesting question really. Kinda just sprung itself in the moment but it does seem to have merit, eh? On the other hand…..all things still appear as if Meant to be. I was listening to one of those spiritual talks and the guy was talking about the brain as if it was a foreign entity with an agenda of its own. Probably Echart Tolle. Night night. 12:35am = 11 = Master number.

First day at the gallery in awhile. 4 new paintings were put on display. Only 2 or so people came in the doors, but the few who did, liked. I’ve come to a space within myself that it’s easier to accept the reaction to my art. I somehow……don’t take it personally. Or most of the time anyway. They like it. Everyone likes it. Well, actually not everyone. That is made readily apparent with the people who walk down the hall, glance at the art on the easel and in the door as they stride by and then stride by on their way back out of the building, without a 2nd glance. In a way, I like them better than the ones who love it. Oh my how they love it. 6 months. 6 months of no sales. Teeny tiny sales, but not really paintings. 6 months. That means it’s time for a sale. Hehe…..whoop! Funny…..I can feel the depression……gone for about 2 weeks now…..but it’s hovering. Like a bee. It’s just hovering. And it’s hovering reeeal close like tonight. Like a lover who’s been away. (Friday)

Sunday Night, midnight…..Summer is on the way! She has just encountered snow and is trying to decide whether to keep driving or pull over. Oi ve. It’s getting close. Next Tuesday!!! Hubby neglected to tell me that the suitcases were out of stock so damn good thing I asked. New set on the way and had to pay extra to get it here in time cuz he didn’t tell me. Men. They didn’t have jungle green, like I really wanted, to blend in. Nope….once again, purple. I put on my ballerina slippers to see if I could use them as sandals and nah. No way I could walk any distance in them. Oh God. What is in my future? How scary is this? How awesome is this? So many things about my world will change when I enter another country. I’m terrified, yet I’m anxious and excited. The time is now speeding by at lightning pace. Will I chicken out? Will I go? Which parts will I do? How long will I stay? I am stepping into absolute newness and no control. For a person like me……..oh man. I know, all control is illusion, but I really like that illusion.

I’m going to go into this trip, I hesitate to say adventure cuz those are usually best named after the fact……but I’m going in with flow. To the best of my ability, I intend to flow. Flow with the medicines, flow with the stalls and waits, flow with discomforts. Flow with the joys and not get too high and then drop too low. Every time I begin to get angry, or scared….I need to remind myself. Ok. Just put a hairtie on my right wrist, to pop myself and remember. Haha….or should I say, remember(to use it) and Pop myself, to stop the behavior. Nightie night. 1:02am = 3 = Trinity….yay, need all 3. :=))

Ha! Nearly a week all rolled into one! You guys probably hate that! It’s winter here. I hate winter, hate cold. My hands are cold right now laying across the keyboard. Summer has been in Flagstaff for 2 nights at a hotel and left today. As long as she gets past Albequerque before the next set of weather sets in, we’re good. There is a huge part of me, (scared sheri), who does not want me to go and will come up with anything she can to try and talk me out of going. Another part is very excited. The suitcases arrived. 5 piece set really should be 4 piece set. Thinkin it’ll work though. Well, 3 ½ to be more precise. We haven’t been able to sell the other 2 bulls yet though. It will in fact leave us BULLless….except for 2 babies. That’s not the issue. The issue is having people here…..at the same time…..and being able to lure the bulls a loooooong ways. Last time, they didn’t come. We are out of time though. I don’t know how to catch them otherwise. I need the money. Crap. Well…..I guess I’d best get this out late or not, otherwise it’ll go on forever. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. PS…..she is driving still. AND,,,,found out we leave a whole day before I thought!!!! Holy cow! It’s less than a week!!!

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