…did it drive me to drink?

As much as I miss those beautiful beings, there is a feeling of…a sigh of….relief. A large heavy weight has been lifted off of me. I never saw them as a weight before the Doc said those words though. Then it was like, no, I’m too busy thinking about the end of my life to shear them. Also, I was too tired. So tired. I was tired way before Doc said those words too. I knew months ago that I needed to grow a hard heart toward the goats. Well, in a miss them kind of way. I knew and have been working on myself for the past months, preparing myself to be ok without them. Everytime I would be out there with them, it would hit me that they were leaving and I couldn’t say their names anymore and I stopped taking photos. I did some, but not in my normal prolific way. I just couldn’t spend time with them cuz it hurt too bad. The day before they left, was finally the day I took out the fancy camera. Hadn’t used it in a year or so, due to the iphone and ease of use for the blog. Somehow that was the day. The last day with the goats. And when I went out, they were down by the pond, which we walked around so many times. It was fitting that that be the last photos of them here. (I don’t know if you can see the pond, but it was there!) I’m not freaking over Moonbaby anymore either. He hasn’t been buried yet. He’s still sitting out there all alone in his little pen….looking just like a goat. I guess I won’t need that little red wagon….which I just saw on tv.

On tv, I also just saw a scene of a school bus. Children were screaming and throwing things, bits of paper and such and it was a scene of pure chaos, which made my next thought be that of how wrong the school system is. To throw all those children together. Some are sensitive, some are bullies….I’m sure there are plenty of other examples, but so it just causes problems….sadness….chaos. Such long times, hours on end, day after day. There is no joy there. I so wish the schools were schools and not systems. Not industries. I wish the health industry wasn’t an industry. Hospitals, Doctors, diseases……all spiraling in the economy driven greed. The business of illness, injury and harm. It’s a real shame. Literally. Shame. Shame on us humans. I think all humans should take the oath….first do no harm. I also think humans should prepare to die….everyday. That way….we are reminded of the moment and not to miss it. Not to let your overwhelm go to complete meltdown….it is a MOMENT. It shall pass. Okie dokie. Night night all. 12:18am = 3 = Trinity.

Yup, no question about it. Life was kind to me via making me very uncomfortable. All that happened….was perfectly designed to keep me from succumbing to a depression once again. The breakdown kept me from having my own breakdown about the goats leaving….and the is he dead is he alive thing….kept me from a breakdown about Moonbaby. You won’t convince me otherwise. I have no doubt that he died from the rumen fiasco. But dead he is. Bloating has begun but he is not stiff. His legs are bendable. He is now buried and lil Zeus came to say goodbye. Crystal is doing a LOT of laying down now that she’s trapped, which is good. I don’t know how to get accustomed to the tiny amount of goats. Technically, I would have put Crystal in the pen Moonbaby was in, so she had even less room to pace….but due to recent events….ie, the goats being loaded onto ta trailer and carted away…..I want them to be able to see her, so I put her in the L pen. She’s 3 years old and has always had her mommy…till now. Need to make sure she’s welcome. She used to be my friend, till I sold her twin Butters…..and she never forgave me.

Oh…..haha……stranded in Oklahoma, with no maryjane for either pain or sleep….and no sleepy tea……well, I did have a bit of a keif ball someone had gifted me with so after 2 stores, finally found a coke can and we went between 2 storage buildings at the hotel. AND, I had hubby get me some beer. BEER??????? You drank beer??????? Yup. 2. Worked too. I eventually did sleep. And so…………………………….after breaking my sobriety……………..haha………..did I buy beer at the grocery store when I got home? Was I now addicted again????? Nope. Not an issue, not one lil teeny tiny iota. Tasted horrible too.

I woke up in panic this morning. Honestly…..why won’t God give me a sign I’m supposed to go on the trip???? I just happen to be a sign person and here I am a few weeks away and nothing. Found myself a set of luggage….for 60 bucks and ordered it. Bright purple…..can’t lose it. I yimmy back and forth between being excited and scared to death. Oh ya…..I evolve. Speaking of death……on this trip, when we were in the hotel shuttle being driven to get the RV so we could try to race home…….the shuttle driver was rather suspect, so I was praying and I envisioned a crash….and wow…..I was ok with it! Then I pictured myself dying a whole bunch of different ways and wow…I was ok with all of them! Yeehaw! That’s one less fear! My mind kept sayin, to each….but what about injury? My answer to each was…..would be divine plan so ya. OK. Goodness….I am changing soooooo much soooooo fast. Haha…there is a kitty who rarely visits with me, who is cold. She came to my bed and jumped up….circled my lap then curled up. I could feel the shivers so I have her all covered up but isn’t that interesting that she knew how to get help? She came to me and I fixed her. Wish I could have fixed them all. I wonder how many of them would be alive had I been given the correct dosage by the animal DOCTORS. I dunno, surely I carry some responsibility in this but I really don’t know what. I did what they told me….thats where I went wrong…..instead of my own gut, which always steers me right. Chalk it up to life I guess….and the friend too, that was so mean and blaming. Obviously still bothers me. Oh well. It is what it is. I’m still catching up on loss of sleep. Went to bed early last night and today I’m still sleepy. The wrist issue is so bad. I need a nap. So…how many of you are amazed that I could drink those 2 beers with no need for more? I’m really connecting it to the use of the psycillicybin shrooms I used as learning tools at that time. Same time frame folks. Isn’t that fascinating? Mushrooms have so many powers and healing abilities and just plain abilities. Wow. And they’re so friggin cute! Haha…ok. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. I will get the photos back after the trip….unless anyone sends in the $20 with the express request to put toward photos. In case of that…….paypal is…… sherilee@wildblue.net Also, anyone wanting to just help with the trip can surely donate and I won’t mind a bit. Love.

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