Wrestling with myself. Why does there have to be a gazillion different things running thru my head, all pertaining to a gazillion different things. It’s friggin exhausting. I always wonder which parts of me are like most people. Like which things that my brain does, are “normal”? I hate normal though so why do I compare myself to it? Actually, the true truth is…I’m better than normal. I’m not normal. I’m unique. Different. One of a kind. OAK. Haha….I’m oak. So are you! I’m always amazed at the way the brain can shift things…with just a few words…or even many, but in a short time, with no apparent way in sight….behind that sight…lol, you know…in the hind….well, in the hind……things can shift. The shift can come even amongst stubbornness of spirit, or refusal to dislodge. Dislodge, as in…move away……unhinge, rotate, lift, wedge, loosen, lubricate, shift.
I’ve been unable to commit to just about anything concerning the trip. When, where, how long, what to do, why. I’ve given poor Summer fits. She asked me tonight….”what things did you get from what I said to you? What things will play in your head?” Smart girl. I observe my thought process now, most of the time. I catch myself doing it. It’s certainly fascinating, that’s for sure. Tonights were most interesting. Rather mature, they feel more so each day. My thoughts get cornered, as usual….but lately it’s as if a tiny path has opened up just ahead and if I take it….everything calms down. Sometimes the mother sometimes the child….sometimes the teacher sometimes the student. Night night. 1:33am = 7 = Holy!
As I sit within this God awful depression, the main thing that I’ve realized……the whipped cream on my pie…….is that the tiniest thing…..can shift things. I can’t tell you what that tiny thing might be because it’s always different….and sometimes there are multiple tiny things before the skies are clear, but they can and do clear. The mind skies I mean. I’ve been seeing FB photo thingies lately that say…..you must analyze your SELF to gain enlightenment. Ha! See…..I always know best. For me that is, not everyone. I’m starting to put two and two together and realizing that I am something. I’m actually pretty spot on about a lot of things…quietly. Actually, the truth of it is….my spirit tells me to change my ways. I do. People think I’m weird. Then…5-10 yrs later, that very thing is now not only the norm….but the norm de jour!!!(of the day). The “thing” to do….the IT thing. What “everyone” is doing.
In this depression, I hear the voice speak to me…..and I hear the stupidity. Sometimes in the throws of the tantrum of sorts…fit, slink into misery, screamfest…..sometimes, I speak to myself and the observer me hears the words and dis’s them before they even get fully out. I never get to finish my words when I’m in the wallers these days. This is new to me. So is the realization of the swiftness of the snap. I’ve been snapped out lately, time and time again. Not sure what it will take to pull me all the way out of the hole…..but I’m on my way. I see it. I see the snaps. Sometimes there can be 3 snaps in one day! Each snap, capable of changing direction on the broken record groove of the depressed mind. I am retaining each of the snaps…..adding each one to the others as they appear. They feed upon each other, creating…..cooking, brewing, birthing.
I’ve come to the realization that by the time I return from Costa Rica, I would be in better spirits. To just go ahead and count on that. That to expect myself to be still stuck, would be stupid, and reckless. And in no way possible. Well, I guess it is possible to be sad upon return but really…..this is a pretty deep trip. I’ve already begun changing. Realizations happening at a rapid pace. A main one being…..I must trade places. I must put the child in the mirror and have the adult in real life. To become the Mother…..not the child. To merge. Yes, to merge. It’s sleepy time my friends. My eyes are heavy with thoughts. Night night.1:18am = 1 = Beginnings.
Saturday night…just about midnight
I’ve been watching myself change. Watching myself learn. I’ve been both student and teacher…just for my own self! Ha! Some understandings have been hatched. I can look back at my life like a montage playing before me…..and I see the makings of a victim. Whether there are or aren’t any sinister things hiding under age 6, past age 6 is pretty friggin victimladen. Beginning with the bullies stealing my zoo money and my cookies. The main thing though, was the pain. I had severe pain. The doctors couldn’t figure it out. They did test after test and those tests they loveeeed to repeat…why? Anyway…..I was in pain a LOT. I became the weak child. The needy child. And I lived that role my entire life. For a short time…..I became MamaSheri. IT was a persona I put on, like a coat…..and it allowed me to be something other than….the needy pain filled whiny crying little child…..living inside the shell of a 53 year old body. But it still….wasn’t the truth. Wasn’t the authentic me. I don’t know her yet. I’ve seen glimpses and I intend….INTEND….yes, intention is 9/10 of the spiritual law……I intend that I evolve into a strong, capable, able, willing, knowledgeable, wise, bold, kind, loving, forthright and forthcoming, mature of mind, young of heart, fearless warrior. And if I am that now…then I intend that I gain 85% more. Coolbeans. Someone said today, Summer maybe….that I was out of the depression. No, I said…..I’m having a good day. Let’s not count chickens before they’re hatched…ye know why? Cuz not all hatch. Trip things have shifted AGAIN. Back to the original plan. I read the bio of the lady where we’ll be and decided she could help me…just she alone. Let alone the aya, or the being in a new country. I mean with my head…the depression, low self worth. It pervades my life and I seek a new way. I’m tired of being a pissant. A piece of putty for people to mold. I wanna mold myself this time. I’m choosing who to be….in just about every second. Ha, I might be getting somewhere….when I do it EVERY second. ? I dunno yet. Love and night night to ya. 1:13am = 5 = Change! Wheeee! Oh ya….I’m working on removing the word MY from my speech. You know, like, my hubby, my goats, my Moonbaby, my Bluedog. Just feels right. Haha…it’ll be hard to not say…MY rainbow!!! PSS…..I’m in a period where I don’t talk about my pain. I did that my whole life. It got me nowhere. I learned to rely on mySELF to comfort my SELF. I have many pains now. I’ve always considered myself Broken. Maybe I can FIX that now. Haha. Ya, I punned. Also….I seem to be looking at the trip as the Magic button….when we all know I’ve been sufficiently changing for a good while now. Weeks at the least. Right here in my little ole room. Ok….once again, night. 2am = 2 = ? crap. What’s 2? Haha. The Mother…and Intuition. Ya. Night.
If it sounds to any of you, like I’m trying to trade myself in for a better newer model….ha….you could be right. It feels that way sometimes, but really folks….she is in there….I’m certain of that. All I know is….I can’t give up before I even try. Ok……goats. Not talking about goats. Love the goats. But I’m not talking about the goats. Will say this………………..before you let anyone put 3 liters of COW RUMEN in your tiny baby goat………DON’T!!!!! The tougher of the 2 tolerated it. The other…..is still alive, but his rumen is now that of a cow and all that that entails. And his legs…………….what legs? He WALKED in that day, with a slight cough. YES, I took a goat to the hospital because he had a slight cough. I was worried it could be pneumonia. Well…….they said no rattle but a tiny, slight case of it. THEN….they did the rumen thing. My baby never stood up again. He walked in….but he didn’t walk out. (well, they carried them both in…..and put them on the scales. Moonbaby walked onto it and stood on it. Thor…..did a big splat so they put them both on a cart. I took a photo….not realizing that was the last time I would see Moonbaby walk again. He went in for a cough……and came out a cripple. Considering that the entire herd fiasco and how many deaths over the past 2 years…..are due to a VET giving me the wrong DOSE!!! Jeeze…said I wasn’t talking about goats. Ok….Long, a weeks worth really. Tiny blippets. A canvas lays before me. It has for hours now. Maybe I’ll put some fiber on it….. Signing off at this yeehawless ranch. PS…..for Twenty dollars…….lol. Haha. For 20 bucks I can post photos again. Nah man….I’m goin to Costa Rica….who knows, I might need to wear something other than the rubber boots I wear there.