to be….enchanted

I had a talk with my daughter about my decision to not do extra efforts to save my life. She thinks that there is a possibility that the aya will give me a new frame of mind on things, maybe perhaps I won’t be so sad, won’t be so narrow thinking….tunnel visioned. She thinks it’s my environment causing me to feel so hopeless and disenchanted. Oooooh, disenchanted…what a great word! I am dis enchanted. Hmmm. All it needs is a sliiiiiight change, a sliiiiight tweak………I am enchanted! Enchant me baby! I shall remain open. Open minded. It’s funny. After so long now of believing and learning this stuff….I come to a point when I say…..really? That’s what they say the point of life is? Really? The thing I’ve believed during my entire spiritual journey that was GOD GIVEN, along with my rebirth…….is not right? We are not experiencing for God? No? We are here to stop the mind? To cease the brain? Where….is the God learning in that? Doesn’t that happen instantly when we die? Pema….explain this to me. Summer will find a quote, I’m sure. :=)))) (Pema Chodron…noted monkish type lady, spiritual seeker, writer)

Or, maybe it’s just me being lazy again. Not wanting to silence my mind…it’s very hard. Could be. I’ll reconcile that. Hmmm….or maybe it’s God experiencing us trying…..to cease the brain. Haha. I bet he gets a kick out of that one! Probably a better channel than the comedy or the drama! Ya…the spiritual channel…..with his favorites on his favorite channels. One is mine…Me, of course. What God wouldn’t enjoy watching a creation who is so many things….yet is nothing. A creation who creates…..yet no joy at the ation. A creation who is yin/yang/yung/mung and all the cousins wrapped in one. When I speak like that…in favor of this self…it is the highest of me that has chosen to speak. I yearn for her to live within me…..to live as the forward in the world personality of me. I seek her and just caught her in the act. Hehe. I caught the observer. Or maybe I didn’t. Maybe she’s not the observer, but the closest version of me, that resembles the observer. Let’s put it this way….this me doesn’t show herself very often. She is the confident…can do anything…has done everything version of me. The old soul. The ancient soul.

I’d love her to come forth. I need her to come forth. I will be in the jungle…..and Summer and I have different objectives while there…..therefore I may be traveling on my own some. I don’t know if the me of nowadays can do that. The me of this writing though…thinks I can. On the other hand….daily I am reminded that I can indeed extend life…..as I have again and again with these 2 baby boy goats. Death and back basically in the double digits for both. Yes, they are here, and alive. At what cost? At what quality of life? Is that what is destined for me? Is that why I was shown it? AM dealing with it? My mother said yesterday, during a text chat……you’re going somewhere? Where are you going? Need I say anymore about love? Or lack thereof? Ya…I’m me. Created. Creating. My daughter sent me an astrology link tonight about the moon in Leo or whatever….it said to be fearless and to play. There is indeed a twirling, paint spraying from my loaded brush as I dance the dance of life, spirit ….inside me. She shakes the rattle and her feet lift. On toes, lightly lifted…..into the sway of the hanging swooping arms that gather life unto her breast. Shewe…….are both spirit…listening to spirit, dancing with spirit, talking with spirit…being one with…being spirit. She is not the dangling teardrop stringing on my forearms, waiting to be rescued….to be done for….to be nurtured. I command her to stay. To step inside this hummingbird and fly. Goodnight little sugar drinkers. Love you. Ya…even you….who said I’m being used by many……if I can be of use…isn’t that my purpose? Funny how in the 3 years of blogging….it’s not till I try to help a friend…that I get hatemail. Well, maybe not hatemail, but close. And even more interesting, is the professing to care about me. It’s alright….I need people to care. Maybe it will spur me to. Night night. 1:19am = 11 = Master!!! Yay! And no….I’m not talking about different personalities in the physical sense…just spiritual/emotional aspects of me….like the childish fear part of me. Night night.

A non day at the gallery. Only one visitor the entire day. But….it was a bad day. The fighting began upon return home and then…….oh the horror…..the 2 baby pups ganged up on my Bubba. Poor Bubba. He has a bad leg, and I guess they think he’s not fit for the pack now. I’ve seen this coming and I don’t know what to do about it. They went to town on his ear….bloody. I stood there screaming at them. Ya…it was NOT effective. There were a gazillion coyotes howling….maybe that was it…dunno, but it was plum awful. Moonbaby has kept his head up basically all day. And Thor….well, he ran today….alot. Both on the tippytoes of his hoof…..and on his knees….rotating, just trying to get there fast…he thought food was involved….several times!!! So upset about Bubba though. Jeeze. Ok…signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.

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7 thoughts on “to be….enchanted

  1. Your mother reminds me of my mother. And people talk about the good old days. People weren’t better then, in some cases they were worse. I think there’s lots of people running around seeking the love they didn’t get from their mothers……

    • I think you are very right! I’m 53….still looking for it. Bummer there are so many. :((. On the other hand, it’s also why we have so many kind, loving people…determined to do things differently than their mothers….to love and show love. I personally prefer LOVE TO BE THE LAST WORD SAID…before sleep, before leaving, before hanging up. I didn’t want my kids to ever doubt or wonder. ;))

      • I’m in a position now where I am not looking for it externally. I never learned to love myself and I finally see how important that is. It probably explains so many of the struggles in my life. Of course, the way we learn to love ourselves is from our parents teaching us that we are lovable. I always thought they hadn’t. Recently I figured out that my father did always love me but for whatever reason it just didn’t get through my head. Realizing that truth, that I had missed for so long, actually filled in a missing piece. I hope that is enough for me to take it from here on my own. My mother is certainly not going to fill in any more missing pieces!!! LOL!

        Your children will never have to doubt that their mother loved them. That is the most important gift you have given them. If either of them does doubt it, then that is part of their journey, just like that doubt was part of mine.

      • Awwwe. So glad you figured that out! Jeeze, that’s gotta feel good. Yay you!!!! Another thing. You can do pretend sessions. They call them guided visualizations. I have a garden. In the garden is my inner child. I don’t do it nearly often enough. All you do is go there, once a day or week or whatever, you just go there in your mind and you visit. If your inner child is young, then you can hold her and sing to her or if she’s older you can take walks and chat. I don’t think I do it often enough to know its benefits but it sure sounds like it should help

  2. Go for it Gale. It’s fun and you’re the designer and architect as well as the scriptwriter and the actors. In there you are everything. All parts. If I were kind to myself I’d spend alot of time there

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