While I said I was sorry and asked forgiveness, that didn’t change the fact that my feelings were hurt. It’s completely understandable. I equate money with my worth. My abusive ex used to call me his thoroughbred, only cuz my dad made over 100,000 a year. Then, I became an exotic dancer cuz I needed diapers and formula. Men put dollar bills in my bikini bottoms while I pretended like I knew how to dance….and while my knees swelled. Then, I was an internet model, same type thing. Then I made a marriage of convenience. I was “taken” care of. Well, sorta….he only wanted to pay for things that were his idea. That’s a tiny but huge picture of my financial history. Oh…in between….there were many many short jobs. I was always a troubled soul. I guess the reason I’m telling you this is cuz I haven’t been writing. Not much to say. Of course I’m sure that soon, life will grow so exciting that I’ll have no way to contain myself from writing, and this whole thing will be moot, but until that time….I may not post often.
I’m thinking my life. Thinking and rethinking. Knowing that thinking is wrong, yet knowing that nothing is wrong. I’ve made a decision that I know will be unpopular, but it is what it is. There are many many things contributing to this decision. Well, it’s not really a decision. It’s more of a steadfastness. To myself and my ways. I’ve been swayed from my ways. Of course. My baby girl wants her mama to live a long long time. As does my boy. Arrgh, boy oh ya, that boy. We argue like it’s worth something. I am continuously astounded at the differences in thoughts. The wide differences. Incredulity tops my day most days. Mothers and children. So deeply deep and complicated. My stress level is at an alltime high. Wait….no, maybe not as high as with that abusive ex….or maybe, just no blood. On top of that, everything upsets me now. I literally stay on edge, on the tippy tippy edge. I’ve never had a blood pressure issue but I’m not stupid. And the attitude of the boy sends me careening over. On a nightly basis…I want to run away.
I’m making the worlds largest hat. And then I will be making another not quite as large…but close. Haven’t made a painting in forever….and not even caring. I have lost nearly all hope. Nearly all joy. Even my joy turns to aggressive joy. Like…..isn’t this FUCKIN PRETTYYYYYYY??????
Disillusionment fills me up coming at me from every area of my life. My marriage, my children, my art, my goats(it’s me that does most of it)(and yes, it’s my idea…the goats, always was, so no fair, I realize), my future and my past. My now….is heavy and hard. I’m so so tired of telling you this. Of saying how sad I am or how angry I am. Why do you read these words? Why do you keep coming back…and why do I? I learned long ago to tolerate. I tolerate pain, cruelty, being walked on, being abused in all it’s forms. I tolerate so much that it’s a real wonder how or why I even got sucked into the….oh….lets have a fundraiser so we can save your life! Let’s throw the kitchen sink at this illness. Screw the illness. Screw me….screw life…and sometimes even…screw you. Ya. I’m in a bad way. And no, you can’t help me. Are you wanting to stop reading now? I’m an expert at sabotage. Are you gone yet???? How did I keep you guys this long?
These days, my stress is also escalated cuz I don’t have enough pot. I don’t drink now so I rely on it to help me sleep, along with the chamomile tea. Even then it’s not the same as when I drank. I slept so soundly. Then there’s also the pain that caused me to take the marijuana medicine when I was 13 till now. I dunno. There’s just so little I feel I can safely say here these days. I wanted to carry you along so you could see and experience this odd journey….but I dunno if I can. Well, I can, but how hollow will it be? If I leave out all the blood and gore…what good is it? A friend is in the mental hospital…..and she didn’t even blog! OH! My neighbor lady? Not Cathy….Lois…Lois the older woman artist……who I wanted to show her stuff in the gallery???? Well….she has selected 2! She’s gonna be brave! I’m so tickled to be able to do this for her. Hope they sell. No clue if this will be posted. No clue if my Moonbaby will be alive tomorrow. No clue how I’m going to get through another day of fighting. My heart hurts so badly. I have news….but I’m so wary now…..I’m afraid to get excited or relieved or any emotion at all. I really need this news to be good news….in real life…..actual. Donesky. Please dear GOD! And as for that decision……………….DNR. That’s it in a nutshell. Back to me. Back to Sheri’s wishes. DNR. Do Not Recussitate. No heroic measures. I’ll elaborate later. Gotta run. Signing off at YeeHaw haha on you Ranch. Yup….still cynical and jaded.
This was yesterdays blog. I couldn’t bring myself to post it and deleted a shit ton, but…..I got good news and bad news. Bad news is….I’ve used up my allotment of space on here for PHOTOS!!! No more room! And the good news…..Moonbaby has just now….turned a corner. This is due to many people, myself included. I’ve fought tooth and nail for these two boys for sooooo long. I mean, I could be wrong, but he seems to be improving…..Again. Yay!!!! Ok. Guess I’ll post. And no photos. Blah. YeeHaw!
And another day. I just can’t seem to bring myself to post. Not much improvement today. But a bit with Thor. He may end up a knee crawler but he’s alive. Don’t know about Moonbaby. He still can’t hold his head up for long. So many medicines. Oh. That reminds me. USEFUL INFORMATION FOR BEFORE THE FACT…..IF YOU GIVE CORRID….for cocci……also give Thiamin. The corrid depletes the thiamin and you get a Moonbaby. Wish I’d known BEFORE I gave it. But now YOU DO. Otherwise known as B1. And no…it’s not easy to find. Got mine at a large animal hospital. I still have big news. Big. Ya gotta wait. Me too. Fingers crossed, breath held…..!!!! Prayers please for smoothness. I’ll let ya know when to shift the prayer and how and why. Thanks! Ok. Tired. Signing off once again at YeeHaw Ranch.