Fears. I’ve pushed through them time and time again. By the hundreds even, yet they remain. This is irrational. It’s not average….and it’s no longer acceptable. I always had some fears, but upon being beaten by my 2nd husband, and the life that ensued……well, fears escalated…warranted or not. I startle easy. I don’t want to be touched, unless it’s a hug. Ha…or a massage, but that’s only cuz of the pain. I have a lot of pain. The fire in my back is immense…like an inferno at times. I also have the pain I’ve lived with my entire life….in my legs and hands. Because of the pain in my legs, I used to be very weak. The pain had met an uncaring host. When life changed me and I came out of hermithood and began to enter the world and began to socialize and even showed my arts….either writing or other arts…..and I found the goats that my heart had searched for forever…..well, the pain lessened. I had more joy and it was able to topple the pain most times. Anyway…..I couldn’t really run from my husband, and I couldn’t stand up to him….and I learned that trust is never to be given. I now do give trust lightly….very lightly…..and never fully for a looooong time. If I fully trust you…wowza. You have proven yourself.
Let me expand a bit. This abusive man was not the average abuser. He was also a pathological liar and he created fake stories. Horrible stories. Life and death fake stories. Putting me at risk….stories. He fooled me so many times. I was soooo trusting. Aside from the fact that until that time, I had rarely ever been lied to…..I also grew up believing that men never hit women, but a woman was allowed to slap a man if he got out of hand. I thought this was true.(thank you television) I believed it as a life rule. Until I no longer believed it……with a fist to the face 3 times before he threw my car keys as far as he could and drove away. How bout the time he jerked the wheel at 95mph during hurricane Hugo, whispering…I love you Sheri Lee….as we crashed with a smile on his face. Things like this can cause a person to have fears. Being chased. Being hostage. Being forced….raped. Ya. I got fears. Lots and lots of fears. I’m tired of them. They rule me. I overcome them over and over and over yet they remain. If I meet my SELF….I intend to find out why. And to stop it. Honestly, wouldn’t you? Fear. Change. Fear of change. Ha….I intend a change of fear! No fear! And plenty of change. I think some more changes will be good. I’ve changed my diet, backslid,…..changed the way I dress, changed my evening because I changed my sleep method, and changed my intake of medicines. Usually I refrain.
When my daughter was here, I changed my diet. I ate healthy. She cooked and she told me what to do and I did it. I also quit drinking and quit smoking cigarettes. I stopped taking good care of myself when she left. I went back to my old way of being. The purpose of the trip, that I really don’t believe I’ve fully discussed is…..to shift. A new country, new food, new rules there…I will not be allowed to eat sugar. I will by means of location…..be shifting conditions within my body. I will be forcing a healthful habitat inside myself. Why could I quit the cigarettes and the beer in one night….yet not be able to quit the sugar? I have no friggin clue. But it must happen if I want to live. The sugar is possibly worse than the alcohol on the liver. Haha…maybe not, dunno, but I bet they’re close runners. I will also be flushing my body and taking medicines to rejuvenate the liver. I even have a new friend there who has fresh morenga. I’ve only had like 5 suggestions to take morenga!!! (serious people making serious suggestions). I even had a box given to me by a good friend but I never took any cuz I knew I had no money to buy more….the paypal was empty by then and no more donations came in. Until the bit yesterday and a bit last night, of which I am extremely grateful. I am now $70 closer to my goal.
Well, I’ve deleted and deleted. I’m tired of rewriting this stuff. Disillusionment = when you ask your friends and strangers (who have been reading your intimate thoughts for days, weeks , months or even years)… for $5 to help you stay alive……and they say…..wish I could help. Nuff said. Ya….blog done for the day. My feelings are hurt. And to those few who know who they are… bless you, I love you guys!!! And to Natalie and all her friends who helped me a few months ago to throw half the kitchen sink at this illness???? THANK YOU!!! BLESSINGS to YOU! Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you! I am however….pretty disillusioned. I thought I mattered more. This disillusionment is causing me to rethink this blog. Hours and hours of my time…..nearly daily………….and its not even worth 5 bucks? Or 1 buck? I’ll try this once again. Here is my paypal. Please, help a lady out. firstname.lastname@example.org If you can’t do paypal….email me at that same address and I’ll give you my snailmail address. I’m tired of begging so this may be the last time I do. Or not. Depends how desperate I get. Signing off at YeeHaw friggin Curly Locks Ranch. Oh….and yes….I do know for a FACT………..that the aya does what they say. I know Bigtime…..just haven’t had it yet personally. Love you guys even when I’m in a bad mood. LOVE!