why would I?

So…..I bet some of you are wondering why on earth a 53 year old lady….one who has been diagnosed with stage 3 liver disease with only one stage left to go……would choose to drink ayahuasca. Some of you don’t know what it even is, so let me clarify that for ya. It’s a jungle drink. Made from the ayahuasca vine and another plant that grows elsewhere. The two are brewed together in recipes I would imagine…passed down from shaman to shaman. It is the Mother plant. Mother vine. She reputedly takes you on the journey within that is needed for your soul to understand. Should you need to understand, and I do, need….to understand. I’ve actually been learning about it for several years now. Stories, insights, and one horror story. My Amasa didn’t take to it very well. I think it was beyond her 3rd drink….in one visit. Can’t remember which drink for sure. Anyway, she kinda lost her mind. My daughter stayed extra in Costa Rica to help with Amasa and then they flew someone in to help her. So…am I scared? You betcha!!! I have mental issues as Y’all know. Depression, lack of self esteem. Panic attacks. Fear. Many many fears. In fact….I believe fear is one of the main reasons I’m choosing Aya. I’m so damn tired of being scared. I don’t wanna keep living that way. If I’m gonna get healed and NOT die….then I wanna LIVE without fear. With courage. And seriously folks….for one who analyzes her nearly every thought………well, ya…….hell ya…..I want the insights of the….THE Mother plant on the planet Earth! And just think….I get to share it with you! I am already….way already…..having to fight myself to keep from going into the future to possible aya futures. No ……that is not a good thing. I want it to be free from fear as much as possible and free from preconceived judgments on what will take place.

What I will learn. I will learn….what she wants me to know. Pretty simple. I recently took psychedelic mushrooms…shrooms….as an experiment. The first time I felt ill. Each time actually, I felt ill….but those feelings were less and less each time….and my art fun and my imagination grew more and more each time. I wish I had some. Hmmm. So anyways…….ya. I’m about to be an aya child. I want a wildflower ring in my hair. Haha….it will fall off while I’m puking. Yes….a necessary part of healing….emptying the body of toxins. Maybe I won’t have many toxins left after my healing!!! Hahahaha. So, like I said, I won’t get to guess what she’ll teach me. That would be impossible anyway…or I’d already know and wouldn’t need teaching! Pray. Let’s start praying now that I get what I need and safely come back to my brain in a good way. I don’t wanna return to Normal….I wanna be different. I wanna know more. Be more. Do more. See more. Love more. Live more. The way I see it…..The first 38 years of my life were hell……not living. So, I’m really only 14 years old…..for actual living. That means I need more, eh? I’m just beginning to live. But damn…..why can’t I live as MamaSheri???? Facebook just stole it from me. If it wasn’t appropriate, they shoulda said so a year or more ago!!! Not right and I feel naked. Now I’m back to Sheri Lee. Boring ole Sheri Lee. Or Sheri. Either one…they have both been wimps and wussies in the past. Got no room for that now.

My new friend Cameron called tonight, from Virginia, for those who remember. He gave me some tools to use while I do aya. You know, spiritual, mental tools. Remember I said I was hoping to eliminate irrational fears in my life? Well, he said I will be diving right into them. He gave me really clear advice on what to do during ceremony. Ha…told him I’d most likely be calling him when it got closer in time. He said I could even call him while I’m there if need be. It was 3 drinks of Iboga that was recommended for me after they got my intake form, so I’m going to do 3 aya drinks. Well…that is the plan. (no iboga) Oh ya…big brain news. I told you I had a realization that regarded me and my daughter…well, that night, as I sat back in ponder position, my brain said….so, how shall we be now that we know this? What shall we do now that we know this? The answer was brand spankin new to me. Not new in knowledge, but new as in wanting to apply it or thinking to apply it……and it was……you don’t need to choose what to be or how to be. All of those are in the future. All I can really be, is here, now. If I choose who to be….then I dive into that storyline. Maybe that’s not the best future for me….that storyline. Maybe the best thing is so awesomely good that I can’t possibly even come close to fathoming how good it could be…….wouldn’t wanna miss that.

It occurred to me that I never told you about the mushrooms. Not really, As I said, there was a physical discomfort. An icky stomach. I later learned that moving around can help that. I always began outside in nature, and I always ended up in the house doing art. I did see lots and lots of rainbows and to be honest, I don’t really remember what all. Elephants. Elephants and rainbow roads that were very winding roadish. Everything was covered in rainbow. Quite a few hours, like 8-10 or so. It was obviously a contribution to myself in some ways because I did it several times. Each time with less and less physical symptoms but not really more spiritual ones. Ah well. I just now watched a documentary that fit into my life completely. Summer sent it. I feel good at the moment. In this moment. This now. The only one there will ever be. KK. Love ya. 1:55am = 11 = Master. Night night.

It’s been a rough day. I woke to 2 messages. One I don’t know what to think of…..where they said they loved me, but I was desperately needy of love and attention….and that I would stoop so low to do what I did. Hmmm. None of those words go together. Like a mismatched puzzle. I will grant you I would love to be loved. If I were desperately needy however……..well, I wouldn’t be celibate and I would be out strutting my body looking for love. As for going so low….well, low, high….it’s all relative isn’t it? I consider helping someone a high, not a low. I appreciate you reading my words….but maybe you didn’t go back far enough. This fiber war…as it seems to now be….is the only war I’ve played in. I’m just an old crone artist with periodic depressions. Actually, this new depression is new….stemming from being told I am dying. Not too hard to fathom. Anyway…….thanks, I love you too. The other message, was an offer of a hand up if I needed one. And a thankyou for bringing awareness and starting the discussion. You are welcome. Sweet. Then, a major blowout with Jesse that was so bad I won’t even say. Lets just say that there are plenty kinds of bullies out there. Then….I skyped with my daughter and it cheered me up. The spinning I began was thwarted with the argument earlier and I haven’t been able to get back into it. It has rained more here in one day than in a year. Darn near flooding. The pastures, the yard, ya, bad. So, the photos rain suck and I’m outta words for today. OH! One of you……sent me some money. Thankyou soooooo much. I have another somebody who shall remain nameless, who believes in me and loves me so much that she has paid for a major portion of this trip. Then we got some bull money. A dollar helps….2,3, 5,10…..any amount helps. 100 pennies helps. I really need to do this. Otherwise, y’all don’t have anyone to be mad at! Who would blog to ya if I die? Who would share so deeply? Love ya. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch….and…..when is Blogtalk coming back????? Ugggh! It’s Thursday! See, we are creatures of habit and we hate change. I’m going for change though. Watch me. I will be a stronger better person. LOVE LOVE. sherilee@wildblue.net is my paypal if you’d like to donate or contribute to the furtherance of the blog. You have a tv bill? Newspaper? Magazine? Blessings. See….already stronger. OH…PSS…..some people get cured of their illness with the aya! That makes Costa a double cure, since the other place is the healing place. :=)))

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2 thoughts on “why would I?

    • I cant. Your number went away when i got a new phone. Yelled for help once on fb wanting your number but went to animal hospital instead when i didnt reach you and i deleted it. Oh jeeze well we git a friggin ton of rain. Be prepared i suppose

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