to enlighten or not to enlighten….hmmm…dunno

There’s no questioning it now. I am definitely in caterpillar stage. I am changing. I go to respond to something and out will start the typical, my typical answer. I then quickly have a pause……and a rethink of the thing in question. Do I still believe that way? It’s like I am deleting useless files from my Bookmarks on the computer. Things that no longer serve me, but it’s like I’m going one by one and deciding if it still applies. Ain’t that fascinating? I seem to be coming out of the depression. I don’t wanna get too cocky with it. There was a lot of processing I was doing with my emotions and such but I lay a huge credit at the beautiful feet of my George and Amasa, who did a healing on me from afar. Let me tell you about my George. Once, my two pups….LGD dogs Great Pyrenees, only had 2 back then, well they ran off. I put up flyers and the whole shebang. Drove and called, drove and called. Nothin. 2 months later, I’m on the phone with George. I tell her. She calls and says she saw the pups in a pen and she broke the wire fencing with her mind so they could get out. The next day…..my pups came home. I’m quite possessive, can you tell? My George, my pups. Haha….well, my night night too. 1:54am = 1 = Beginnings. Oh….Summer was reading to me on the phone…seconds after I typed the above and it was about the butterflys place on the native wheel…..saying you also needed to look at earthworm, which was basically the deleting of unnecessaries I was talking about. Ya, love synchro’s. Night.

I sure wish I hadn’t been silenced. Sure wish I hadn’t been judged so cruelly by a “friend” who thought they knew more than me….and who probably did know more than me considering the difference in amount of years dealing with goats…..but….and this is a HUGE BUTT……………..thats not how you treat friends. Not how you treat someone dealing with a loss. Shame them??????? Well, it has effectively silenced me. That is too bad and really too sad. I now have nobody to bounce things off of. Trust someone???? An online someone???? SURE. Sure, why not. Well, don’t you worry cuz I got enough worry on my own to cover us all. No….I won’t tell you anything that is going on here with the goats. Thanks. And considering that the situation started with the WRONG advise by the vet….well, there ya go. And the new vets???? At the hospital??? Well, one of them is now on the Goat vet corner on FB, and is telling people with mites….that it might be lice. Really?? Really. The crazy irony is…..that the vet who yelled at me last year (same hospital) for being stupid and hung up on me cuz I’m too ignorant to know how to deal with my goats……who went all up in arms because of my mite treatment……1cc ivomec injectable……………………..which is……are you ready?????…… the Goat Vet Corners…..standard treatment. The irony…is not funny. Now you see? The vets are as ignorant as we are half the time. Bottom line…..the situation is not over here. I am fighting to save my goats and if some people would friggin buy some….then it wouldn’t be so damn hard on me……and on the goats. But don’t you worry. I will figure this out and I will fix it. How many will be alive at the end….well, that’s up to GOD. AND ME!!!

I’ve offered to hang 2 paintings at the gallery of my neighbors. Lois is really an awesome closet artist……truly, they are in the closets. Seems her grown kids have decided to take most of them and put them on their walls. When I offered to hang some for sale…..she got so excited. Even said she might start painting again. WHAT??? Ya, they had hurt her feelings and she quit. She thinks they are bad and will point out the flaws in each. Sounds familiar. So, we shall see if she can bring herself to really do it. She kept saying there weren’t any totally finished, yet she had a gazillion on the walls. Come on LOIS!!! Be brave and find a shred of confidence, just a shred…..I’ll fill in with the rest. And yes….I’m giving up a lot of space in my still pretty tiny place…..but its worth it. I’m certain people will buy them. They’re the old fashioned kind…..highly detailed.

The Costa Rica trip is looking like a thing. A bold thing. There are times when I think I will go and decide not to return. Just stay in the jungle and live out my life. It feels big and strong, this thing I think. I am changing so clearly…..so fully. It has me pondering the transformation from caterpillar to butterfly. I think the easiest one for me to ponder is the monarch, which has the colors that will be in the final bug….in the pillar. Really. Think on it. This orange, black and white striped thingy crawls around and eats and eats the greenies it finds. Like a living thing that has been born. Yet….it is not yet what it will be. Similar to all babies, yet not, because the difference is so huge. So….this living being, grows a case around itself…..like Supermans phone booth…..and while inside, it somehow goes from this one living thing….into a very different one…..large wings, the color of the stripes, and a body WAY smaller than the pillar ever was. For me, it is a true miracle. Nearly night and day….yet the same being. And once again….the butterfly then emerges, BORN……..and learns to eat and be. Just fascinating. There’s no question that I’m in that phase. Who will I be when it’s over? I SO DO NOT KNOW. Will I be the nice sweet kind gal? Will I be the incapable insecure gal? Or will I be brand new and on top of my game…..of life. Ha….who knows……..thats the future me…..on the way but still in process in the chrysalis. I know which one I’m rooting for. Lol…..ya, I already know the kind me….and the down me. Ready for new. Alrighty then…….this me says……Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. OH….ps……got some poo sheared off 2 butts…damn was that hard….many more to go. Seriously. OH…..and the ramp was awesome! Goats walked right up!!!

Oh great…….another disappointment of astronomical proportions. Why do I keep thinking this man is more than he is???? See…………not so nice or kind right now. Why do I get my hopes up without provocation??????

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