the other F word……

I’ve been thinking. Wondering, pondering, wracking my brain,……who, why, what….caused this depression I’m in. See, I’ve already survived extreme depression and suicidal thoughts for 38 years and lived to tell about it….and have lived and loved for about 14 since God freed me from that state. I had little mini depressions that lasted 3 days and no longer….for those 14 years, occasionally. I would feel the emotions coming on, recognize them, then accept them and feel them and then they would leave….all acknowledged and whatnot. Man….those were the days! What a life! Free! No longer a hermit for half of those 14 years…..loving my life and I found my passion…..whoda thunk? That was a real gem. In life….there aren’t that many gems…..finding your passion definitely qualifies. And a 3 day depression. Ya, blissful. Oh, and finding answers to questions I had about life and why and the universe and how and what and who…. Spiritual journey…..a beautiful thing. Fears faced and stepped over, in a gazillion ways to become a flourishing, thriving young old lady who wrote for the people….and to be honest, for herself as well because like the goats and then the art as said passions…..she, I, also wrote for me too….I guess I had 3. See, nothing simple in my life. God gives me THREE passions, not the typical One. And He wonders why I’m confused. But anyway, there I was, living the high life….and no, money was not involved……and take it even further and laugh at me if you will, but in 2008 I think, 6 maybe, I had an experience and believed that I was here to be a force for the Feminine RISING. Honest to God! This thing was so powerful, the God induced fast and hallucinations that followed….that I put Jesus in the moon and took his place in the SUN. He has since been returned. ;=)) ya, I’ve told this before. Me….a powerful woman? Well yes…a part of me believes in the Crone……the aged wisdom. 333 words. So……..

Which brings us back to……the depression. The one that has lasted around 2 months, but was also just here a few weeks before that as well, and a few weeks before that as well, and repeat and repeat….all the way back to MAY of this year. When I was diagnosed as….dying. So…….even though I have changed a lot of things…..and have said I was fighting to live…….I haven’t been 100% committed and I have been living in fear and depression. But here’s the rub. This is the ponder fodder. The depression isn’t a depression. No, not at all. The depression is….FEAR. Fear of dying. Fear of death. Fear of life before death. Fear of life after death. Fear for my children, my husband, my friends. Fear of causing any pain. Pain hurts. I don’t like pain. I really tried to make friends with it but haven’t been completely successful yet. Getting there. Pain. Fear. Fear of not doing everything I want to do, or should do or could do. But mostly….fear of death. It’s like a circle with no visible ways out……fear turns to depression which turns to lethargy which turns to stagnant lump which turns to death. Ha….so either way I go, I still die!!! WOW! I love writing these things….have I told you that lately? ;=}

So somehow, I gotta pull my GODDESS boots on and live like the crone that I AM. AND….I can only say this…..any of this right now….cuz my brain is having a good moment. It is not forcing me to cry, although I can feel this little mini me inside who misses crying. Strange that. Well, night night then. Didn’t do any work tonight. PureD laziness….all the clean pulled fiber in the right color, that I wanted to use being the key point….. was in my car. I just didn’t go get it. I did think on it though…which counts. Ye gotta think on these things. Designing…requires the brain. And mine…..now asks for Angels to help with this new venture…same but not….just another avenue in the neighborhood of my love. Help to get it right. It needs to be right. Ok….night night! 1:14am = 6 = Earth. LOL. Crone. Magic.

So I’m a Christmas fool. Always have been. Christmas movies, lots of presents and the meal. Yup. I want it and I want it all, with joy abounding. This year, which could be my last….hubby decides to play broker than broke. I mentioned ….ie, I ticked off the list of stores we used to shop at for Christmas and then ticked off the 2 we now shop at……and his response was…..that was stuff for the house. WHAT? WHERE IS THE LOGIC? YOU HAVE MONEY FOR THE HOUSE BUT NOT THE WIFE. AND SINCE WHEN DO PRESENTS FOR THE HOUSE….NOT COUNT AS PRESENTS FOR THE WIFE????? I had suggested that since nobody ever gets stuff they want, that maybe we each get an allotment and get to buy things we actually WANT OR NEED. WOW. Bad idea. So…..instead of selling a friggin cow….he is letting my possible last Christmas suck SUCK! I just wanna cry in my tears. Ya, I’m a big baby. I love Christmas. So…..wtf…..I’m giving most of the allotted money to the kids. Got myself a Namaste Farms Breedbox……washed though, so it’s not called that. I guess that is the extent of Christmas for me this year. I may get a few more kinds of fiber at ten bucks each….if I let myself. I find it very hard to spend on myself. I either give it to the kids…or I save it. I don’t wanna save it. It’s Christmas. Nope, no feltloom, no truck finished, no….well, you get the idea. Just a non memory. A sad memory. Gee, appreciate it. Merry Christmas girl who may or may not die. LOL…ya, drama queen. Already sooooo disappointed with the movies this year. Honestly makes me cry and fret for the world……no more good quality, wholesome moral lessons for people to learn by. And yes….for those of you who think so….I guess I’m Christmas spoiled. I am 53 years old and that’s a lot of Christmas’s. Well….you can count on me telling hubby…..when we goin to Sears???? We got a Sears card, lol. Ok…..see ya. Signing off at a somewhat chilly YeeHaw Ranch.

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6 thoughts on “the other F word……

  1. I think my husband must feel the same way about Christmas as you do! He’s kind of a kid about it. Me, I would probably mostly skip it! My mother got annoyed with me last year for not wanting to do presents. But there’s just not all that much I want. I guess other people can think of what they want easier than me. It took me many years to get to this point, though. Really Christmas is better if somebody else is making the holiday for you. Whoever thought up Santa had a great idea! He needs to be real, though!!!!

    • Well i tried it your way one year cuz i was disgusted that it kept getting worse n worse. So i said…no christmas at all! Holy jeepers!!! Never again!!!! Lol hope you get something you like. ❤️

  2. I always get what I want–I just want small things like yarn and books and chocolate. Once I was grown up and had to make Christmas for the kids, I felt all this pressure from the expectations. Then I got a job at the post office and Christmas is their busiest time of year. One year I had to work on Christmas Day!!! I was just so exhausted all those years of working there. I’d get home and the last thing I wanted to do was shop and bake and think about celebrating anything!

    No, I would never get away with cancelling Christmas!!! So, I’m learning to pace myself and only doing what I can handle and letting people know what’s what. But I have noticed that my family is kind of liking keeping it simple….

    I’m with you, though, on one thing–it’s really time for you to get your truck and/or the felt loom!!! You have waited long enough. Christmas would be the perfect time for either one of them. I know your hubby won’t listen to me, though!!

    • Lol!!!! Shoot, listen to you? He hasnt read a single blog. He doesnt know you exist. :(( ive never really dealt with christmas expectations, and ive never had to work on christmas! Jeeze! My parents started me off witg big christmas and thats just the way it is. The presents arent expensive usually but alot of them! ;)). Every year i hope for either if those gifts. I try not to, knowing the odds. The post office at christmas….yikes!!!!

      • Yikes is right! It used to be okay because the customers with their packages were excited and happy or maybe just relieved they got their shopping done, so working the window was fast and easy and fun. Then the customers changed and everything just got really hard. But the physical exhaustion was always rough for sure. Sometimes I’d be so tired that it felt like sparks were going off in my leg muscles when I was lying there in bed.

        Not too surprised hubby doesn’t read your blog. Didn’t you mention once that he is an engineer? Ha! They are always little bit different. I’ve known a couple of them and they just don’t think like you and me! Book smart but not a ton of common sense.

        Well, I hope you get to make the new things you thought of and that they turn out the way you want.

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