I guess I’m finding it hard to blog these days. 2 reasons. 1, I don’t wanna be a sadpuss and bring anyone down and 2, people take my words as absolute and only…..but y’all can’t see, feel, or hear. You are only getting part of the picture. For gods sakes…it’s a blog, not a blow by blow of my life. It’s a writing. A piece of writing….a work. Certainly not enough information to make any diagnoses, eh? Well…..so what to say? Which words will be misread, misunderstood….or even worse…..deemed wrong. Just plain deemed wrong. On the other hand…..I’m tough. I can do a lot of things. A friend told me that my illness was affecting some of y’all. Really? I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I thought the opposite. I am a wee tad too hard on myself. But it’s really more than that. It’s deep. The soul of a human is deep. My soul….I would presume, is the umf of me. The tender heart moments shining out like a light, twinkling at Christmas. Temporary moments of shine….in a world of routine dull.
Sometimes its too big for me and goes over my head but I think everything is energy. Y’all know that I believe this. As I’m discovering, living a lifetime of one way of thinking…..it truly takes a long while to change over to new beliefs fully. You know, an all out switch. Holes sewn up. I “know” these things…but I speak and act another way sometimes. While knowing that giving energy to something ….well, gives energy to something……I still give energy. I still wail about misfortune or misery. So obviously my mind skills have not yet reached my knowledge fully, and there is a gap. Somewhere on the other side of this gap….are my dreams. I can’t reach them. I can’t find them. I can’t create them. I know not what to create. Will you dream for me? Will you help me figure out what I could dream for? Options? Ideas? I really do draw a blank, and when I do come up with one….I immediately poo poo it for some reason or other. Call it a bucket list for life cuz I don’t plan on dying. Well, if I can find things to dream for!!!! And yes….I do already have one expensive one but it’s still there….a feltloom. Ha…my life would change so quickly if I had one. I have no doubt. It’s almost like letting God down that I don’t have one yet. Like He created something…just for me….and I didn’t get it. I felt that way the first time I saw it and saw it in use. So….ya. Dreams. Maybe I should say….realistic dreams.
I guess I should tell you whats going on healthwise. At the moment, I’m pretty good. Having some difficulties with food sitting in me again, even with the Hemp oil cbd. I’m wondering if I need a higher dose but its so expensive already. I’m having fears of going to heal myself as planned in Costa Rica now. Crap!!!! I don’t want to allow fear to be the thing that kills me. And that’s exactly what I was doing. Fear of the city of arrival, fear of being in another country, fear of the bus ride on winding roads, fear of the wildlife there, fear of the humans there, fear of the airplane ride to and from, fear of getting back to the airport, there are more but I hesitate to say them again, thus giving them more energy. I have come so close to talking myself out of going. Another way to turn this…which I try……but its not dominant, is…………………… Costa RICA!!! Ocean! Butterflies! Trees! Birds! (oh, apparently I’m a birder. I get birders at the gallery and it brings back my childhood bird adventures and joys) Jungle plants, hummingbirds? An artist in residence, and just plain ole…….adventure. Ya, I’ve learned that adventure is a word you use AFTER the hell you’ve gone through, so maybe that’s a bad choice of words. How bout just plain ole fun….aside from the liver flushes and coffee enemas….and all the medicines and unknown foods without sugar. Ya. Hehe. Ya. Jeeze. I’m a wimp and a coward and I MUST rise to the occasion. The occasion of my life…..not my death. Chinese medicine, ayurvedic medicine, jungle medicine…..all combined to invigorate the body and convince it to live….my words, not theirs. Ha…..and if I was really courageous, I’d do ayahuasca while I’m in the country. They don’t do it where I’m thinking of going, so I’d have to go somewhere else a few hours away and that too costs money and fear. People tell me I’m courageous. I don’t feel it. I know I persevere and push through…lol….mow through….but courage? I feel that’s something I lack. Well….here’s to hopin I sleep tonight. I sure do miss the dead sleep of the beer. Hmmm, dead sleep. Better stay away from the beer, eh? Hmm, what is it……lets see, July 7th or so…..5 months. WOW. 5 months, no beer, no cigarettes. I need a prize. :=)) OK…night night folkie olkies. 1:27am = 1 = Beginnings.
I was trying to make some money since the paintings hadn’t been selling so I agreed to try to do a shawl by Christmas. I tried to hire it out and that didn’t work so I bought yarn from Sandy Kunath and it was nice. So…..I’ve been knitting up a storm trying to finish in time. I did. Hopefully she likes it. Went to town to mail that off today and now I get to play. NOTHING on the to do list. Hmmm….or is there? Jeeze…..dunno. I wanna play. Two weeks ago I made something…….the first of many tries. My question to myself is…..do I leave it as is…..quite pretty…..or do I rip it up to reuse the fiber, thus there is only one…..when there could be 2? Or 3 or 4 or 5. Lol. Who knows how many it will take till I’m completely happy. The one I made is quite cool….but just not at my vision yet. Dunno, but if I can’t think of any obligations….I’m starting it tonight. Hmmm, maybe the domino pendants is the thing that has me thinking I got more to do….but the findings have not arrived yet. What a strange word for jewelry parts….findings. Well, either way…I’m still workin on it…..although, I’m wondering why. I showed it to Natalie and asked her not to share it since it wasn’t done. She was wowed…..and said y’all would be too. But now I wonder…..the point. Can anyone purchase it? LOL….if not…why make it? Haha…because I can, because its eating at me, because it will be gorgeous…..lol, but why????? Ok….later than. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch where I think….if I continue this gallery….I need nicer bags. For when they sell. I wonder if I had a big sale….would anyone want a painting? If you’re sorta in the market…..go to http://www.Noahs-arts.com and see. Then tell me which one you want and how much you can pay and I’ll see if I can do it…..willing to do it. ;=)) Seriously! It’s Christmas!!! Later gater!!! Yes, I know its misspelled.