in Process….

I’m coming to a place of knowing…..of understanding….that no matter how much we love…and no matter how deeply we love………………………we are still Alone. It is only us who goes through this life and it is only us who leaves it. We don’t usually feel this way. We have our friends, our family, coworkers, facebook peeps and our besties. But even bestie isn’t going to go through your processes for you. It’s up to us to live…..and it’s up to us how we live….just as it’s up to us to die and how we die. No matter how much we want people to be there for us….they can’t. They can be there with us. That’s about it. And sometimes they will surprise you and not even do that. Sometimes our relationships aren’t as deep, as loving, as thorough as we perceived. Sometimes it’s shallow and just feels and looks deep….surface makeup. Eyeliner I suppose. I just found out I had a shallow when I thought I had a deep. That shallow is gone now…..to live out her life with her self and she can judge people all she wants….from there. Goodbye my once upon a time friend. Goodbye.

Speaking of shallow and deep……I believe those are the two types of people. In a different regard though. It’s rather like the ostrich. That puts his head into the sand and people liken it to hiding. Well, maybe not hiding, but I believe there are peoples who like the status quo….want things to stay the same……are happy with answers given and do not feel a need to search further. They speak of things of the moment. The car ahead who didn’t do as expected, is ranted about. The food about to be eaten is talked about, what the waitress is wearing, the decorations, I dunno…..I call it surface stuff. Then there are people like me who are deeps. We deeps can’t stand small talk, or surface talk…..because we’re hearing it and thinking….now what on earth does that have to do with changing the world? Haha. We deeps want to change the world. We deeps also feel too much and go through a higher range of emotions. We deeps want to challenge everything…..all for the answer of ……why are we here……and what am I supposed to be doing? Would you believe I, an extreme deep….come from a family of surface? It is true. Mind boggling. Also true is…..they are normally functioning human beings……working their jobs, making their money, paying their bills, in other words….succeeding at life. Funny….I always thought I was better than the shallows. When in reality……I need to think of it as the ocean. The deeps….oh heck…..treading water, wave after wave. The shallows…….home, always home…always a reach away from shore, feeling the calm calm end of the waves as they come and taste the sand (dessert)then return to sea. Hmmmm. I guess I was wrong in my estimation of which was better. The real answer is neither…just which one is easier or harder, instead of better or worse. But wowza….now that I see it in writing….the reality cut and dried up into a few simple words I have no choice but to understand…..wowza. I think I wanna be surface now. You listening God?

I actually had a blog for y’all yesterday but I decided against it. It was about the goats and the animal hospital and the friend who is friend no more. It was all loaded and ready…photos and all and I decided not to stir up the pot. To let the junk settle to the bottom of the whatever to be strained off at a later date. IN other words….I took the high road. Thank GOD…..I need high right now.

Tools. That’s what I mean by high. I need to be on hilltops or as my daughter gave me the other day…..a tree. She said I could climb the tree and see where my thoughts were going. What the path looked like….of my thoughts. To remind myself that I was being hijacked by them. Then yesterday I saw a way to breathe differently to escape depression. A longer out breath than an in. Hmmmm…..hard for a person with emphysema to do….but a friend saw my post about it and of course, life had us discussing her fathers emphysema and his needing to purse his lips to do it. I tried it and yes!!! See……I have way more umf with the in breath. My out breath is very short. No wonder I have depression issues! So, if I purse my lips……and BLOW…….I can do it! Life works that way. A casual mention and the universe provides.

So…….after asking and asking for prayers….after telling and telling that I’m in trouble……it finally comes to me….presents itself to me……and says……(IT, being LIFE)…….and says…….It is YOUR LIFE. No other person can live it. YOU are the only one who can pull yourself out of that hole. Why oh why did you go down it in the first place? I mean really! I was just there during a shamanic journey and I found an older version of myself on a ledge partway down the hole….thought I got her out. Maybe I didn’t. Anyway….it’s only ME who can dig me out….pull me up….save me. Yup….we have to save ourselves when it comes to the winding roads of the mind. So bear with me please…..as I save myself! Cuz if I don’t……this place will fall apart bigtime since it’s about to be just me….well, and hubby after 8pm and on weekends.

It nearly fell apart anyway. The goat situation has been dire. A mystery. Poopy butts galore. Wormer galore. For those who aren’t on FB…..Flutterbug has died and Thor was down the next day. Carried 3 goats to the animal hospital and it was determined that I wasn’t using a high enough dose of wormer. The vet, my vet, changed me to that wormer and that dosage. Basically, he killed my WYWY and Flutterbug and anyone else since the switch. So….for any who use Cydectin pour on….the correct dose is……TRIPLE the label instructions. So, my beautiful and gentle and sweet lil bottle baby who never hurt another ever….don’t think I ever saw her ram another goat…..is gone. The one who smiled. The one who ran at birth instead of walking or even waiting to gather strength…literally….at birth. I guess she was born hungry………….BUT……I will no longer be telling you if any goats die here. My honesty has met a wall that I know of no way to climb, (other peoples opinions on such)……so….I’ll be keeping my pain to myself. It is mine anyways after all.

Another issue is that my self esteem has taken a huge dive and any questioning of my actions, words, issues I support……has me questioning myself. It’s as if…….the main Sheri is somewhere else and the stand in’s are having to deal. They don’t deal very well. Once again…I don’t know if I should post this blog. Yesterdays will never be posted. Will todays? I dunno. What I do know is that I am RAW. Like ground meat. Meanwhile…..across the world…….elephants are being killed for their body parts, people are being beheaded, forests and jungles are being logged and damaged forever, people are dying, and and and. Blessings. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch…..

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