When the doctor says….You’re dying…..you have many choices on how to react….and you will have many many options as the days go by. Each day is new. Each day…you drift out of the mysterious sleep and as your eyes open….and you remember…oh ya….I’m dying….you can choose from a myriad of adjectives to feel. Then you can choose how your day will be. Will it be a joyful day or will it be a sucky pissant dreary I just wanna die now and get it over with or…maybe on occasion, just maybe you will feel……..Screw that. I’m not dying! I’ve got too much to do…and off you go on a tangent to complete whatever creation or undone work you’ve pinned your eyes on for the day. Every day will be different. You will ponder life as never before….because…even when you’re dying….you still think….oh, I’ve got time. Time to ponder the intricacies of life and death…when in reality….you could keel over any second (as I was a witness from afar that it can indeed happen with a HepC diagnosis) and not have……ya…STILL not have that chance to say all the words that from heaven….you will dis yourself for not saying. All of the …..ahh gee….I didn’t know she was down…or ahhh, he’s in so much pain, I should have realized. Or the host of people you forgot to say…I love you, to. And just what is love? Is it a distant money or blood related thing? No. It can spring from anywhere and anything. You can LOVE a flower, a person, a rainbow, a drop of dew with the sun shining through it and magnifying the bee as it flies by. Love can be for a moment or a lifetime. A day or a year. A month or forever.
I yimmy yammy between all of the different reactions each day. Reactions being the accurate word. Each day, I react to the news that I’m dying. Well….we are all dying. I’ve always been dying. Why does it now affect me so? Why does it wear like a blanket and color every choice and every thought? Why is it now that I realize that I’m not even living now? Never really have LIVED. Nope….just existed…like most of us. If I were to truly live….it would mean……waking each day…from wherever I was….and going out….to see what life held. What mystery, what moment of love, what sorrow of ouch, what color of fun could be waiting your arrival? Lonely that life is because it waits and waits and nobody every walks down that road. Everyone wants the…..safe, secure, this is my home, my bed, my pillow, my fence, my animals. Life doesn’t happen there. Just existence. I want to go down that road. Not sure if I’m brave enough. At the moment…no, not brave enough. Still here.
Speaking of here….as a lot of y’all know…..I was slightly pizzled off yesterday. You see….I had several cancellations of sales of goats recently. I got over it. The one though….weeks, of this one, no that one, and unbelievable kindness on my part. The money was a problem. Well, I am seeking money to heal my illness so I can’t just give them away, but if you buy enough….give me enough money for a few…I’ll give you others. FREE. The others he was gonna pay $150 No….you can’t just choose babies, I can sell babies…people want babies…..and the price you are paying, well, please, just take a couple babies and a few adults. You will need them……so the babies know what to do when they start having babies. No, I cannot drive them to you, no I cannot meet you halfway. Can I meet you 3 hours away? Maybe, not sure. No, sorry, I cannot. Just drive the rest of the way and you will be so happy with what you get to take home with you. I will do right by you. What???? You don’t want them now? No explanation? Fine. Fine….just fine. And after a few days….I even forgive and offer my friendship hand again…..only to see………LOOK….I’m buying some goats!!! Ya….that twisted my pizzle in a knot and I reacted. Blame it on the dying factor….we react easy….since we stare at heaven on a daily basis.
And as for the DOCTORS out there…..seriously???? Don’t tell people they are dying. Ever!!! All you’re doing is giving them a plot twist ending. They/we believe the plots. We believe the words and we bring them inside us. Inside our minds….our hearts. They are now ours to play with, to make friends with, to think about and ponder every second. Don’t you think our existence would be better spent if we didn’t have the words….I’m dying…..in our heads every second?????? You should try it Doc. And then….if you’re going the alternative route, then oh boy……you try this remedy….did it work? Am I healed? Heck if I know. Lets try another. Did it work? Am I now healed? Heck if I know.
The lady who was brokenhearted about her dream mustang being a nuisance and needing to be rehomed……came today bearing a most amazing gift. A ramp for the stanchion!!! It was so well built…it doesn’t even need attached!!! Holy smokes! How grand is this? I had told her that only 2 things cause pain here for the goats……shots and lifting onto the stanchion cuz they will step their front feet on, but not the back, therefore we had to lift them by the hair…which I know has to hurt. I don’t even wether my babies…cuz it would cause them pain. This lady, gave me a hug and told me how rare I am in the world of animals. WOW. Some people only see that its not spic n span. She wanted to thank me….on behalf of the animals. What a sweet thing to say. Haha…..I had to tell her about last nights post….which said…….THAT does it…if one more person backs out of a sale, after I’ve given my time, love and energy…..then by golly I’ll load them up and they will all go to slaughter and meet me in heaven. Yes, I said it. Yes, it wasn’t nice. I wasn’t feeling nice. Granted, I am generally…too nice…but I am human after all. Oh, lol, and being human….I really did consider not having the cookies. I tried it. I didn’t buy them. It didn’t work….and I went and bought them. What can I say…..I gave up the beer, I gave up the cigarettes, I gave up the beef and I pretty much gave up food…as I know it, but apparently I want the damn cookie!!! And yes, I still smile all the way through that big huge cookie. And since tomorrow is Thanks forgiving Day…..I forgive you Mom. I forgive you Bobby. I forgive you hubby. And any who have harmed me…..I for give. Give for. Hmmm. LOL. My son has been gone for a week visiting his friend…he’s on his way home tonight. My daughter is headed back to work after a few days off to go hug Amma. Oooooh….theres my boy!!! On that note….I’m outta here. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch……where my forgives are teetering, but in the end, I always do.