Whatever…

My husband…ever the angel, even if it doesn’t always seem like it. I always considered him an angel since he found me at a low point and gave me a hand up. Gave me a safe place, a safe space. A space to find myself, to discover myself and to forgive myself….and others. For over a decade, he has given me a cocoon. Every once in awhile, I peek out and I even put my hand out or my big toe, but my safe cocoon is always there to shield me, warm me. I’ve been out of the bog and into the world for about 7 years or so now and I thought I was done with the bog. Why on earth would I go back to the bog? Sure, I get a foot stuck in the mud every now and then….just like as a child of 11….literally stuck in a bog. My shoe however, never did escape that darkness. That can’t be connected!!! Can it? It was bird camp. Lol, what other 5th graders went to bird camp…not many. Here are the memories that stick out…..1st year….something about a dance. Stuck in bog. Found owl pellets and dissected them….wicked cool. Woke early…like 5-5am early to go bird hunting. Didn’t have fun with the kids….loved the birds. Prettiest girl? Vote? Dance. Mocked for going to…bird camp. 2nd year…..something about a dance. Hmmm. That just jumped right on in there didn’t it? I as speaking about the bog. The metaphorical bog. The ick. The mire. The eversadnessdont touchmedontleavemeiloveyouwhydidyouhurtmejustleavemealoneleavemealone NESS. Don’t you just love the ness? The ness…is the house….of everything. Everything lives in a ness. A cocoon must be in a ness then. Ahhh yes, my cocoonness. Takes me back to my fairy story writing days.

Well, as I was saying, before I so rudely interrupted myself……I’ve been sheltered, in a cocoon…..In my birth sack, since my Rebirth in 1999/2000. Growing, learning, seeking, finding, doing, showing, being, forgetting, remembering, discovering, passioning myself into a being. A unique being…..even more unique than my former self, because that one was unbidden. By me, anyway. I am blessed with my safe space from which to ponder and question my existence. Why am I here? Why are you here? They tell me I am you. You are me. My brain seeks to comprehend that still. They also tell me I am energy….you are energy. Energy living in a human body. If I’m energy, I should be able to go anywhere….do anything. Dive into the land…walk onto the cloud. Like in the book. Illusions….the adventures of a reluctant messiah.

Right at this point in time, it seems that I am to be an artist, and all that that entails. It’s quite a run and once again, I’m very impressed with the script writers. Oh gee. My Aunt Dolly just died. The last extended family member that I loved….knew….remember vividly…..but mostly, LOVED. My Aunt Dolly. My Grammy’s sister. She had many, but I was only close with Aunt Dolly. Good Lord, how I love that woman. You wouldn’t know it by my actions though. It’s been a year or close since I’ve talked to her and then years in between all the rest of the time. From the time I became an adult until now. I hear her voice in my head right now. Gosh I loved her voice. If I think of my childhood…..if it’s a good memory….she’s in it. We really should talk to people while they’re still alive. Life. Death. What a thing. Maybe it’s a thingy. Night night. Love you. 1:40am = 5 = change.

I asked for a photo of Aunt Dolly. I was sent a recent one. Where she was so old. Truth, yes….real, yes…..my Aunt Dolly? No. Not from my memory. She has always lived across the country from me so there’s only been one visit since childhood. How sad is that? Worse, is that there were no letters either. A few phone calls here and there….not enough….for a lady of my heart. How and why did I let that piece of my heart wander away? Thank GOD I still have her voice in my head.

Trying my new art out again today. We shall see. I’m enjoying doing it….that part I know. Jesse likes the latest ones some better I think. Opinionated little thing….lol, big thing. He’s about 6 ft!!! Ok…wasting precious moments…back to it. Took the day off at the gallery since there are rarely people there on Thursdays, only Fri and Sat…..time off to work quickly, trying to make things for less money….that might, just might sell. I was gifted the amount needed for the Hemp oil!!! Thankyou so much!!! I hesitate to mention names cuz some get all upset. I see you and I thank you so greatly!!! I tried the turkey meatloaf again. Better this time. Key is to put enough fresh herbs in to change the taste, lol. Basil to be specific. A bit of thyme too and the rest traditional meatloaf ingredients. I am not perfect about eating what I should….but….I now KNOW what to eat and not to eat. Quite an education…..and knowing…gives me the feeling of control, lol….and I make my choices based on my knowledge. And then….I eat my cookie. Yes….still making myself smile each night with a chocochip cookie. Haha….I really hate this, but I need Jesse’s opinion on this art. Damnit. Not sure it’s working like it did last night. Different subject….makes a difference. The art is such a sticky subject between us. Oh well.

It’s very cold…in the 30’s and this Mama hates cold. Jesse did all the feeding for me…both yesterday and today. Yay and thankyou! He’s going to his friends for the weekend so it’ll be just me. Grateful for the days off. The one baby goat is still being strange. Standing in the corner and not eating grain, but to me that’s not the weird part, just the standing in the corner part is. She’s a twin. Other twin eats grain. This has been from day1. No grain. Could it be that she’s fine…..just cold and hates grain???? I dunno. No answer on the 2 coughing girls yet either. AND…because I took the day off….I have no photos! Sorry. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.
Ps…Namaste Farms Blogtalk tonight. 9/8central. Ps…the As many hats as I can make in a month thing? Also fell thru.

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